Mil took DS without car seat

[Cybermondayyay]

Can I ask how would you feel if your MIL took out your 7 month old son out without a car seat?

OH argue she’s peer pressured into thing’s by FIL and always has been. Doesn’t want to bring it up to her as she’s very sensitive and will upset her!

BIL at fault as the driver-he is responsible for ensuring everyone in the car is legally restrained. He didn’t allow one of his own kids to travel unrestrained did he? He chose to put your child in danger over his own.

Oh and don't let your DH bully you into not saying anything if he isn't going to.

My FIL is a bit of a bullying twit too - and my husband was similar. He isn't now but I think that a lot of that is because I stood up to FIL first (having a difficult father of my own and being a secondary school teacher I was quite practiced!).

Dpil did that once to my DD stuffing a cost around her to keep her within the seat. They begged to do childcare and although I felt happier she was in a nursery when I was working. that the last time they looked after her. DH and I put her straight into a nursery after that. We were both furious. Yanbu.

Oh sorry! Didn't pick up it was BIL driving - then yes take it up with BIL (ideally with FIL and MIL present too).

There's always one ^^ 😅

Seeing these responses telling people to end their marriage always makes me cringe......

All the adults here behaved shockingly and you need to tell them so, whether your OH likes it or not is not relevant at all in this serious a situation. Personally I would call them all individually and say that you were shocked and very concerned to hear about what had happened, and appalled that they risked your child’s safety. To MIL if you wanted you could say that you know she gets put under pressure but she made a terrible judgment call. Tell them all that for the foreseeable future (for me this would actually mean forever) you will be present to supervise any contact they have with your DC. If they ask…Yes, that might mean they see less of them. Too bad. No, you aren’t doing it to piss them off, you are doing it because you feel you absolutely must for your child’s safety. After this it’s your absolute responsibility as a parent.

You OH is a complete wet blanket and should be ashamed of himself for putting his mum/dad/brother before his vulnerable son

Sounds like your husband has picked someone like his mother, someone who struggles to find her voice against domineering men.

I definitely need to find my voice in situations like this. I am constantly worried about what people will think of me.

I'm being blunt so you can feel empowered to stand up for yourself and what you know to be right (because you are 100% correct on this one) - far better to have people like FIL and BIL think you are over protective, than to have people pity you because your child died in a car accident due to having no seatbelt and you could have prevented it by speaking up the first time he was driven unrestrained in a car.

How old are they?

Too old to have had to use car seats for their kids?

Your OH sounds as much a bully as his dad.

That’s why I have kind of put the blame on her. I expect it from FIL and BIL but not her I was really shocked.

Way to go OP, letting the males completely off the hook there. Just because someone always behaves arrogantly, selfishly and carelessly, it does not mean they get a free pass to behave arrogantly, selfishly and carelessly! Quite the opposite in fact.

If MIL is in a controlling, coercive relationship with a bully, she is very unlikely to have the emotional resources to stand up to that bully. If she did have, she would, but she clearly hasn't because she doesn't. I guarantee that, out of the three of them, she was the one least comfortable with the idea.

I agree with everyone else here that travelling in a car with your baby not in a car seat is completely irresponsible. But all the adults involved are responsible for it.

MN constantly chides men for their irresponsibility, yet here are many posters quite happy to ignore BIL and FIL and put all the blame on a woman who has been conditioned over years to give up and give in. The conversation you need to have is with all of them, not just her.

And don't be wet. I am one of the world's least confrontational, most anxious and people-pleasing people. But even I would find the guts to deal with this.

I'd go bat sh!t tbh.

Their judgement was utterly off. You just do not drive with an unrestrained 7m old. If
you mil is not capable of putting a baby’s safety first she is not capable of looking after one on her own.

I’m a bit confused though if BIl was driving with his own children unrestrained. Surely he has car seats for them in the car as standard. That but doesn’t make sense to me.

I also agree though with a previous poster that really you should have left a car seat if she was going to be looking after a child for a whole day. How far away from her house were you (could they have called you for example before leaving and ask you to pick up the baby or were you miles and miles away?).

YABVVU to allow either MIL or FIL to take your child out in a car without an appropriate car seat.

Your DP is a knob for not telling them this. YOU need to step in and upset them if needs be by saying NEVER AGAIN.

Well your baby’s father has to decide what’s the bigger issue - upsetting his mother or having a dead or disabled baby.

We experienced something very similar with DH's parents.

Ultimately they proved they could not be trusted to make good decisions so it was not possible for their GC to spend unsupervised time with them until they were of an age to advocate for themselves.

We learnt that FIL's need to be right about everything and MIL's preference for not rocking the boat would always trump their GC's safety. Their horrendous marriage has made many casualties, but we would not let our DC be among them.

I am constantly worried about what people will think of me.

Me too, but you are completely, totally justified in being outraged in this situation. What are FIL, MIL and BIL actually going to think? "God she's such a nasty, entitled bitch for wanting to keep her baby alive and unmaimed? How dare she think she can tell me what to do?"

You can dare, and you do dare, because your baby's welfare is far more important than any wounded ego. That's the feeling you need to be holding on to when you and your husband have this conversation with his family.

All three are to blame and your husband thinks you should be like his mother and do as you are told.

My ex Husband was the only one who came out alive in a crash. 4 people died.
He was the one wearing a belt.
Was the driver and other passengers wearing belts. Don’t think that all bodies go forward. In the crash ( above) one passenger went through the back window.
sorry if this is too graphic but people need to be educated.

If this family are so laid back about seat belts: are you and them aware that in the event of an accident their insurance will be nil and void as they were breaking the law.
That might make them think.
on second thoughts scrub that last sentence .

YABVVU for blaming your MIL when in reality all three of them are to blame.

Just because FIL and BIL are usually unreasonable should be even more reason to be angry with them this time, not less.

OP, you said your older DCs were at your parents. Have your ILs had them for visits and taken them out in cars without car seats that you have been unaware of?

Also I’d be asking if your MIL wore a seatbelt and hope you don’t get the answer that she did but don’t worry she put it around herself and your baby!

My own DM was very annoyed about me refusing to let her take my DCs out in her car until she’d had seatbelts put in her car (was a long time ago). She resisted for several months until realising I meant business on this and eventually got static seatbelts fitted.

Time to go utterly bat-crap crazy with dh, bil, fil and mil, @Cybermondayyay.

To dh - “What matters more to you - your parents’ and brother’s feelings and opinions, or your child’s life? If you can’t or won’t man up and put your child’s safety first, I Will!”

To the in-laws - ”I trusted you with my child and you put their life in danger. There is a damn good reason why it is the LAW that children are properly restrained in a car, and that is to prevent serious injury or death in the case of an accident. I don’t care if bil is the safest driver in the history of the universe, he can’t guarantee that he won’t meet some other muppet on the road and have an accident. My child’s safety is my No 1 priority, and therefore there will be NO more unsupervised visits. And if I hear of bil driving his kids unsecured in the car, I will report him to the police. And there will be no more discussion of this.”

if BIL lives with them, were there seat belts in the car for BIL's children? if so, were they strapped in?

Sounds like the men in dh's family are bullies.
Your mil won't ever stand up for herself -that is not meant nastily. But if she has been dominated by him throughout her marriage, she won't be able to change the dynamic now.
You can't leave your kids with her. But since you say she is a nice, I would encourage activities with her but under your supervision and preferably away from fil and bil.