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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil took DS without car seat

346 replies

Cybermondayyay · 28/11/2022 11:21

Can I ask how would you feel if your MIL took out your 7 month old son out without a car seat?

OH argue she’s peer pressured into thing’s by FIL and always has been. Doesn’t want to bring it up to her as she’s very sensitive and will upset her!

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 28/11/2022 13:28

She'd never have my child again, no discussion

RandomMess · 28/11/2022 13:30

Is it possible that BIL engineered this to stick his finger up at you and DH?

Notanotherwindow · 28/11/2022 13:30

I'd go mental. She could have killed him. I'd bloody upset her and if FIL wants to bully someone he could bloody try me. I'd wipe the floor with him if he did that to my child.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 28/11/2022 13:31

Given Christmas is soon I hope your plans don't include them playing dgps of the year with your dc...

JinglingXmasbells · 28/11/2022 13:31

It's not solely the GM's fault.

Yes, she held the baby but it was a family decision and she is supposedly afraid of the grandpa.

They BOTH need to hear the conversation.

I think it's debatable saying 'never look after the child again' because there may be some times when it's necessary (OP already says they babysit etc.)

But it needs to be discussed with the gloves off!

OatFox · 28/11/2022 13:31

MIL wouldn't ever be looking after my child again. I would be furious.

EndlessRain · 28/11/2022 13:34

JinglingXmasbells · 28/11/2022 13:31

It's not solely the GM's fault.

Yes, she held the baby but it was a family decision and she is supposedly afraid of the grandpa.

They BOTH need to hear the conversation.

I think it's debatable saying 'never look after the child again' because there may be some times when it's necessary (OP already says they babysit etc.)

But it needs to be discussed with the gloves off!

So danger to your child is ok, as long as it's convenient to the parent?

JinglingXmasbells · 28/11/2022 13:34

I definitely need to find my voice in situations like this. I am constantly worried about what people will think of me.

@Cybermondayyay Has your DH married someone he can dominate and who lack confidence?

Just as his own dad appears to have done?

Has his role model been a dad who bullies and controls his wife?

Patterns run in families.

Maybe you could find some help through therapy and counselling, as this appears to be a deep seated issue that's going on.

JinglingXmasbells · 28/11/2022 13:35

@EndlessRain I didn't say that. Stop making inferences that aren't there. I said it needed to be discussed and that for a child age 7 months, there are many many years ahead where the OP may want some help.

Stunningscreamer · 28/11/2022 13:36

I'm pretty far from being a neurotic parent. But this is fucking ridiculous. It's hard to stand up to people but when your children are at potential risk it's absolutely essential.

If you really can't bring yourself to stand up to your in laws just don't let them have your children unsupervised.

EndlessRain · 28/11/2022 13:37

JinglingXmasbells · 28/11/2022 13:35

@EndlessRain I didn't say that. Stop making inferences that aren't there. I said it needed to be discussed and that for a child age 7 months, there are many many years ahead where the OP may want some help.

Well, I agree if it's resolved and trust restored then it might be an option again. It's just odd to say it's ok when babysitting but suggesting otherwise not.....

80s · 28/11/2022 13:42

OH argue she’s peer pressured into thing’s by FIL and always has been. Doesn’t want to bring it up to her as she’s very sensitive and will upset her!
Any way you could persuade your dh to get professional help? This kind of attitude on the part of my exh caused big problems in my marriage. I got no support at all when trying to oppose his parents on perfectly reasonable issues, so they always got their way. If this carries on, you're likely to feel lonely, misunderstood and unfairly treated.

Outdoorable · 28/11/2022 13:44

I would be furious.

I would also have very little respect for a woman who manipulates people into getting her own way/not taking responsibility/failing to apologise because they are 'sensitive' and 'would be upset' and 'someone else told them to do it'.

Thehop · 28/11/2022 13:44

I'd report to the police

Chippy1234 · 28/11/2022 13:44

How can you be peer pressured by FIL? I suspect though he is one of those men who thinks he ALWAYS knows best, mouths off his views at every family gatherings and no one says a blooming thing.

So she does what her husband tells her and everyone says nothing!

Very sensistive my arse...

BellePeppa · 28/11/2022 13:49

It’ll upset her? Not half as much as it’ll upset you if she has even a minor accident!

toomuchlaundry · 28/11/2022 13:51

Legally BIL would have been the one in trouble as he was the driver and shouldn't allow a child to be unrestrained in his car.

roarfeckingroarr · 28/11/2022 13:51

Your FIL, BIL and - most likely - your husband are bullies.

Given your updates, I think you should talk to MIL gently in person about why this is so important to you and how you cannot have it happen again. It's dangerous, very dangerous. Then separately, can you provide a bit of a lifeline to help her build her self esteem? Not your job but if she's as lovely as you say, it's a lovely thing to do.

Nancydrawn · 28/11/2022 13:52

It's a MIL problem, but of course, at its root, it's an OH problem.

I don't understand why he isn't more upset by this.

bellabasset · 28/11/2022 13:54

Your BIL should be reported to the police for driving illegally. My view is that as adults responsible for the welfare of the little cousins and your dd all failed to obey the law and the 3 children were at risk. Speak to your SIL and tackle them and your dd together.

BatshitBanshee · 28/11/2022 13:56

I'd blow, I mean I'd really lose it. MIL would never have access to GCs again, and I'd tell her that. FIL and BIL wouldn't escape that either - and I wouldn't speak to either again.

And as for DH - I think I'd be hoarse from roaring at him. I couldn't give a fuck if his mother is a yes woman - she's big enough to make her own decisions and in that moment she decided to take her own peace over the safety of my baby. DH can either get on board or get out.

FWIW my ILs have a similar dynamic. They're not allowed unsupervised access to GC. Ever.

Curiosity101 · 28/11/2022 13:57

@Cybermondayyay Be careful you don't fall into the same trap as your MIL.

FIL: His dad has definitely bullied MIL throughout their whole marriage
DH: god forbid say this to OH and he will say no it’s not like that

MIL: She is just a yes woman to him
You: I am constantly worried about what people will think of me

MXVIT · 28/11/2022 13:59

Her feelings are of no importance here.

She either uses the car seat going forward or never has DC unsupervised again.

Stupid woman

Also your OH needs a swift kick up the ass and cutting from the apron strings.

Outdoorable · 28/11/2022 14:01

I definitely need to find my voice in situations like this. I am constantly worried about what people will think of me.

If you voice it [relatively] calmly and rationally then I would imagine they will think the following of you:

  • They can trust you to voice your opinion/issues directly and not have to play guessing games
  • You say things directly and aren't passive aggressive
  • They respect you
  • You won't tolerate anyone taking the piss or putting you or your family in danger

If they think anything other than positively (especially in the current situation) then they are really showing themselves up for their own negative character traits.

and yes, it is the driver who is responsible - I would take it up directly with him. I would imagine, given what you've said, he will try to defend it/minimise it/make out your are being unreasonable...to which I would reply 'that may be so but young children must be in a car seat - it is extremely dangerous, and as a consequence illegal, to drive with them unrestrained. Can I have your assurance that you will never put my child being in danger like this again'. Definitely practice what you are going to say and what you are going to say if [when] he tries to justify it.

CrackingcheeseWallace · 28/11/2022 14:02

OH argue she’s peer pressured into thing’s by FIL and always has been. Doesn’t want to bring it up to her as she’s very sensitive and will upset her!

But it's perfectly acceptable for YOU to be upset though?! er no.

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