Am I unreasonable for feeling a bit miffed off?

PopGoesTheProsecco · 2022-11-27T20:49:07+00:00

My mum is always pleading poverty. I do numerous errands for her because she says she can’t afford the delivery fees so can’t do online shopping. When she was in a care home for a few weeks after a fall I spent about £300 on things that she wanted and got them delivered to her. We also visited once a week (2 hour round journey). She offered to pay me back for the things I bought for her (but in the same sentence mentioned financial hardship, pension credit etc) so I said she didn’t need to pay me back. Today I ran a few errands for her including to get her some perfume and to get £250 out of her account. She gave me a gift card to buy the perfume with (it cost £40 more than was on the gift card). So I paid the extra with her bank card - but checked with her first to make sure it was okay, (because she’s short of cash and I didn’t want to leave her short). Next I got the cash for her. I took the option to get a receipt for the transaction so she’d know how much she had left (I was worried she could be struggling). The receipt after the £250 withdrawal showed nearly £15k in her current account. My partner and I have no savings and quite often have to ‘rob Peter to pay Paul’ at the end of the month. I’ve paid out quite a bit of money looking after my mum, she knows we struggle (despite us both working full time) and to find she’s got £15k in her current account has made me feel a bit hurt. Am I being unreasonable?

Dacadactyl · 27/11/2022 21:01

YANBU. If it was my mum and she asked me to get anything again, od say to her "i saw you have some savings mum. We are not in such a fortunate position so if you could transfer me the money up front i will of course buy what you need".

vincettenoir · 27/11/2022 21:03

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be pissed off but I think a lot of boomers are v anxious about money. My parents and in-laws both have the kind of savings that seem huge to me but are very tight with money.

They seem to assume me and DH have more money than we do because we go on nice holidays / arrange home improvements while they live like Benedictine monks. But really they are far more financially secure than us. It’s about attitude to spending more than anything else.

So while I get why seeing £15k in her current acc is a bit of a kick in the teeth remember that her attitude to money is probably v different to yours and flavoured by the fact that she has little to no earning potential going forward.

BrutusMcDogface · 27/11/2022 21:03

Oh wow. She’s really done a number on you! I totally agree, next time ask for the cash upfront. I feel for you that she’s been so selfish and uncaring.

BrutusMcDogface · 27/11/2022 21:04

I don’t think her attitude to money should equate to taking hundreds of pounds from her daughter, whom she knows is struggling with money.

Angelik · 27/11/2022 21:07

Yabu. That is her only saving and is there to see her through the rest of her life. She won't be topping it up as she doesn't work. It's her emergency fund so she doesn't have to ask her family to help in a crisis. Don't begrudge her the little she has.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 27/11/2022 21:07

Miffed? I'd be fucking furious!
Sponging of your own kid when you have plenty of your own? Unforgivable.

vincettenoir · 27/11/2022 21:08

@BrutusMcDogface neither do I. £300 is a lot of money and I would be pissed off too.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 27/11/2022 21:08

Ring her and say on second thoughts she can reimburse you for the help you have given her financially.

Original poster

PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/11/2022 21:14

Angelik · 27/11/2022 21:07

Yabu. That is her only saving and is there to see her through the rest of her life. She won't be topping it up as she doesn't work. It's her emergency fund so she doesn't have to ask her family to help in a crisis. Don't begrudge her the little she has.

Er… I did help in a crisis…

OP posts:

straightroof · 27/11/2022 21:14

Yabu. If she discovers she needs a new roof putting in next year she would have to pay for it upfront. You could get a loan as you have a earning potential but she wouldn't get one. She has to keep something back and £15K isn't actually that much in the current climate

Original poster

PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/11/2022 21:15

straightroof · 27/11/2022 21:14

Yabu. If she discovers she needs a new roof putting in next year she would have to pay for it upfront. You could get a loan as you have a earning potential but she wouldn't get one. She has to keep something back and £15K isn't actually that much in the current climate

Her roof is fine. Lives in a new build.

OP posts:

Original poster

PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/11/2022 21:28

vincettenoir · 27/11/2022 21:03

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be pissed off but I think a lot of boomers are v anxious about money. My parents and in-laws both have the kind of savings that seem huge to me but are very tight with money.

They seem to assume me and DH have more money than we do because we go on nice holidays / arrange home improvements while they live like Benedictine monks. But really they are far more financially secure than us. It’s about attitude to spending more than anything else.

So while I get why seeing £15k in her current acc is a bit of a kick in the teeth remember that her attitude to money is probably v different to yours and flavoured by the fact that she has little to no earning potential going forward.

Thanks for your response - it’s given me another perspective on her thinking.

OP posts:

Angelik · 27/11/2022 21:29

PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/11/2022 21:14

Er… I did help in a crisis…

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Which she offered you money for and you said no. But as other poster said there could be a very big bill in the future and she is perfectly entitled to have some, albeit very small, financial security for that.

Quite frankly you sound like a jealous martyr. Mentioning that you did a once per week round trip of 2 hrs to see her does not make you daughter of the century. In fact, it is the bare minimum. I hope you have kinder siblings your poor mum can look to.

FictionalCharacter · 27/11/2022 21:30

Angelik · 27/11/2022 21:07

Yabu. That is her only saving and is there to see her through the rest of her life. She won't be topping it up as she doesn't work. It's her emergency fund so she doesn't have to ask her family to help in a crisis. Don't begrudge her the little she has.

How do you know it's her only savings? And if it's all she has, what's it doing in her current account?
It's not uncommon for elderly people to have quite large amounts of money saved away that they never spend, and for relatives to only find out after they die.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 27/11/2022 21:33

Angelik · 27/11/2022 21:29

Which she offered you money for and you said no. But as other poster said there could be a very big bill in the future and she is perfectly entitled to have some, albeit very small, financial security for that.

Quite frankly you sound like a jealous martyr. Mentioning that you did a once per week round trip of 2 hrs to see her does not make you daughter of the century. In fact, it is the bare minimum. I hope you have kinder siblings your poor mum can look to.

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Put the wine down.

Angelik · 27/11/2022 21:33

FictionalCharacter · 27/11/2022 21:30

How do you know it's her only savings? And if it's all she has, what's it doing in her current account?
It's not uncommon for elderly people to have quite large amounts of money saved away that they never spend, and for relatives to only find out after they die.

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So what if she has more. Unlikely though if she's receiving pension credit.

Original poster

PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/11/2022 21:35

Angelik · 27/11/2022 21:29

Which she offered you money for and you said no. But as other poster said there could be a very big bill in the future and she is perfectly entitled to have some, albeit very small, financial security for that.

Quite frankly you sound like a jealous martyr. Mentioning that you did a once per week round trip of 2 hrs to see her does not make you daughter of the century. In fact, it is the bare minimum. I hope you have kinder siblings your poor mum can look to.

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I said that she didn’t have to pay me back because I thought she was struggling more than my family. She clearly isn’t.

OP posts:

Summerfun54321 · 27/11/2022 21:52

£15k of savings and no earning potential isn’t a very big financial buffer. I would still be helping out if I saw that in my mums account but she was complaining money was tight. It’s not going to go very far if she needs care.

Original poster

PopGoesTheProsecco · 27/11/2022 21:53

Angelik · 27/11/2022 21:29

Which she offered you money for and you said no. But as other poster said there could be a very big bill in the future and she is perfectly entitled to have some, albeit very small, financial security for that.

Quite frankly you sound like a jealous martyr. Mentioning that you did a once per week round trip of 2 hrs to see her does not make you daughter of the century. In fact, it is the bare minimum. I hope you have kinder siblings your poor mum can look to.

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Unfortunately siblings want nothing to do with mum.

OP posts:

Angelik · 28/11/2022 06:41

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 27/11/2022 21:33

Put the wine down.

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Stone cold sober. Petty jealousy from OP instead of taking comfort that her mum has some financial back up. If she is terrible as OP alludes to by revealing siblings have gone nc then perhaps OP can recalibrate her own relationship and how she supports her mum. But I stand by what i've said. No one is a hero for visiting someone once per week.

workiskillingme · 28/11/2022 06:46

@Angelik are you ok hun?
No idea why you are projecting onto the OP so much here and seeing stuff that's not there

Angelik · 28/11/2022 06:49

workiskillingme · 28/11/2022 06:46

@Angelik are you ok hun?
No idea why you are projecting onto the OP so much here and seeing stuff that's not there

Why would you think I was projecting? What a strange thing to say unless you think you're being clever? And also doesn't make any sense. I've clearly stated why I think OP unreasonable., which is what they asked!

ChubbyMorticia · 28/11/2022 06:50

I’d be furious that my family would have gone without to cover her (cutting things from our budget for the unexpected expenses) while she was perfectly capable of paying for herself.

Nope. As a parent, there’s simply no way that’s acceptable

Nishky32 · 28/11/2022 06:51

Any dementia issues. My Nan didn’t understand that she had 10k- never bought herself anything

gamerchick · 28/11/2022 06:54

You know now, tell her you can't afford to pay for stuff for her anymore. Because, you can't OP. She can plead financial poverty but it doesn't change the fact, you can't afford to gift her her wants. Whether she has a decent buffer or not.