Am I unreasonable for feeling a bit miffed off?

[PopGoesTheProsecco]

My mum is always pleading poverty. I do numerous errands for her because she says she can’t afford the delivery fees so can’t do online shopping.

When she was in a care home for a few weeks after a fall I spent about £300 on things that she wanted and got them delivered to her. We also visited once a week (2 hour round journey).

She offered to pay me back for the things I bought for her (but in the same sentence mentioned financial hardship, pension credit etc) so I said she didn’t need to pay me back.

Today I ran a few errands for her including to get her some perfume and to get £250 out of her account. She gave me a gift card to buy the perfume with (it cost £40 more than was on the gift card). So I paid the extra with her bank card - but checked with her first to make sure it was okay, (because she’s short of cash and I didn’t want to leave her short).

Next I got the cash for her. I took the option to get a receipt for the transaction so she’d know how much she had left (I was worried she could be struggling).

The receipt after the £250 withdrawal showed nearly £15k in her current account.

My partner and I have no savings and quite often have to ‘rob Peter to pay Paul’ at the end of the month.

I’ve paid out quite a bit of money looking after my mum, she knows we struggle (despite us both working full time) and to find she’s got £15k in her current account has made me feel a bit hurt. Am I being unreasonable?

There's a reason your siblings don't want anything to do with her.

YANBU to be miffed, I would be too. But you know now, so if she offers you the money, you accept. If she insists you collect items rather than paying the delivery charge, you could also ask her for a few quid to cover the petrol. I can see a lot of people are saying it's her 'rainy day fund' or 'new roof' etc, but if she can't afford the delivery charge or the item then, as we all do, she will have to budget. If you're robbing Peter to pay Paul at the end of the month yourself, you no longer have to feel bad about taking what she offers, or at least cover your own expenses. You're still donating your time to her.

I’ll completely agree with this, my dm won’t even spend on things she could really do with like a hearing aid and replacing the broken dishwasher has been a massive decision, when their current account is in the thousands with much more away in savings etc. dm argument is ‘it’s my inheritance’ arggghhhh I’d far rather she could actually hear what we’re saying to her on the phone or when we get together.

what I have learned is don’t be afraid to ask for any money you pay out on your behalf, including extra for the fuel. You need to be upfront every time.

Is 15K actually thought of as a lot of savings for an elderly person? Not questioning your decision OP it just seems a teeny tiny amount for retirement,.

The op's point is her mum has been asking for things that op has been paying for, pleading poverty. Her mum should either not be asking for them or paying for them herself.

If your mum has 15k in savings, its doubtful shed be entitled to much pension credit . 10k is the amount they start reducing it.

How old is she? How long is 15k supposed to last her?

She may not own her home

😂😂😂

Angelik are you the mother? Or a mother who expects your children to run around after you?

If it was for basic essentials I would still be pissed off but OK about it but fucking perfume!

Why is it ok for for parents to do this but any mention of adult children taking a single penny from their parents is met with scathing derision? I don’t see why one is ok but not the other.

She won’t have to pay anything if she needs care if that’s the sum total of her savings. I can see both sides - I completely understand why you’re miffed @PopGoesTheProsecco and I can also understand being a bit fearful if all you had as a financial cushion was £15k to last the rest of your life.

Now you know to make sure she pays for everything herself OP.

She has the money, she just feels entitled to yours.

My mum receives about £1100 per month in pension credit, PIP etc and I'm grateful that she's financially independent. She also gets warm home top ups etc.

She's not a huge spender and mortgage is paid off, so has good savings.

Whenever I do my mum's shopping, I keep receipts and she gives me the money straightaway.

I am not surprised you were a bit shocked OP.

I guess it depends if that £15k is all the money she has for the rest of her life or not. Because if she's getting about £180 a week pension, plus the £15k, that's not much money really (obviously depending on her living costs).

I was in the same situation as you but it was close to 100K in the bank!! (this was 10 years or so ago). She doesn't know I know, but I never pay for anything for her. I don't know how much she has left now. She's pleading poverty, but then she did that when she had all that money! So that's what we've been left with. I can't trust her any more. I think that's the issue here. How can you trust what she says in future?

OP could you convince her to let you have a second debit card for her account? Just put it to her that it would save her having to transfer money to you or remember to give you cash. It's something my Mum did with my Gran, and something I do with my Mum. She lives in the middle of nowhere, isn't as mobile as she used to be, and often asks if I can pick a few bits up for her on my way over. Makes things a lot easier.

My gran lived very frugally and often had help from her children to pay the bills. Every Christmas, we all got a pair of socks - often ones she’d knitted herself, badly. We all thought she was penniless.

When she died there was £80k in her current account. Everyone was gobsmacked!

Do you mean in your first post that your mum receives Pension Credit?

She has too much in savings to receive this surely? At the very least it has to be declared and the PC will be tapered, I would have thought.

She will need to be careful, my mum's NDN was prosecuted for benefit fraud when she was in her late 60s, they don't just go easy on people who are older.

I think what some people forget is that for many pensioners (not all!) they get quite a lot of benefits (pensions, pension credits, PIP, help with fuel, rent paid) that means that for some of them, they are actually a lot better off in terms of disposable income than their children are. Especially with the amount of money many young folk need to pay in tax, rent/mortgage and childcare

How old is she?
Say she's 70 and lives for another 15 years or more, £15k really isn't a lot of money to have as a nest egg.

I do think it's a generational thing as well, particularly in today's climate with the cost of living. A lot of people are catastrophising and worried about paying for things even if they have money in the bank

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Sounds familiar. Our relatives had a lot tucked away but they lost the ability to manage it/spend it. To them, every expense was huge. They thought paying minimum wage for a few hrs of home help once a fortnight was expensive.

15k savings isn’t huge but it’s more than enough to cover her bits of shopping. Maybe she is not good with understanding money? But now you know her situation, you know you don’t need to be paying for her and you can sidestep the guilt trip.

I can understand your point of view.

Maybe you could offer to go through her finances with her so that she doesn't feel so vulnerable financially.

Maybe she sees her incomings and outgoings every month and thinks that £15k has to cover the shortfall for the next X years and maybe... if her pension is low... then she has reason to be worried. Maybe she should consider downsizing ... Maybe she doesn't know what her ins and outs are and has always been worried about money and is incapable of relaxing about spending money. My Mum has been like this her whole life.. grew up in precarious financial situation where her father was likely to drink his wages and her mother worked hard... she resented relying on my father for money and cannot forgive some of the financial decsions he made over the years but she was incapable of making better ones.. and I am ashamed to say.. I have many of these fears too.. I was a SAHM for 10 years and am now struggling in self employment in a new career and I fear for our financial stability.. 3 kids to put through university and a retirement to fund. My fall back of keeping a house as buy to let for my own pension was abandoned to buy our current house.

Do you feel secure about your long term financial stability? Maybe it is something you should look at too so that you can know if £300 for your Mum now and then is OK or if you really need to be saying.... actually Mum... things are tight... would you mind paying me back.

YABU. You had no right to check how much she had in her account. That is private. If you were struggling you shouldn’t have offered to help. That money might be for her care that she’ll need later rather than expecting you to fork out.