Am I unreasonable for feeling a bit miffed off?

[PopGoesTheProsecco]

My mum is always pleading poverty. I do numerous errands for her because she says she can’t afford the delivery fees so can’t do online shopping.

When she was in a care home for a few weeks after a fall I spent about £300 on things that she wanted and got them delivered to her. We also visited once a week (2 hour round journey).

She offered to pay me back for the things I bought for her (but in the same sentence mentioned financial hardship, pension credit etc) so I said she didn’t need to pay me back.

Today I ran a few errands for her including to get her some perfume and to get £250 out of her account. She gave me a gift card to buy the perfume with (it cost £40 more than was on the gift card). So I paid the extra with her bank card - but checked with her first to make sure it was okay, (because she’s short of cash and I didn’t want to leave her short).

Next I got the cash for her. I took the option to get a receipt for the transaction so she’d know how much she had left (I was worried she could be struggling).

The receipt after the £250 withdrawal showed nearly £15k in her current account.

My partner and I have no savings and quite often have to ‘rob Peter to pay Paul’ at the end of the month.

I’ve paid out quite a bit of money looking after my mum, she knows we struggle (despite us both working full time) and to find she’s got £15k in her current account has made me feel a bit hurt. Am I being unreasonable?

But to be fair to @Angelik they didn’t know I’ve got Long Covid and didn’t understand the huge amount of energy it takes to actually leave the house - let alone drive. Because I didn’t put it in my OP.

Has she always took the piss outta you or this new?

We thought FIL was on the breadline, went out and bought his shopping for him as we were worried. He died and it turned out he had over 200k in savings. 200k! He was living like a pauper in a tiny rented flat.

There are some very weird people on here- probably with similar attitudes themselves! I would be fuming@PopGoesTheProsecco and I'm 60 and also people have no idea if she has other money. She may well have !

We have a very 'tight' elderly relation who I am pretty reliably informed also has over half a million in the bank/shares and no partner or kids either, plus two houses and yet makes a big deal about cost if he has to buy anything new or travel to other relatives etc -

.

£15k really isn't that much when you are reliant on a pension as your only source of income for the rest of your life, especially if you have to go into a care home if you have a fall etc.

I would say set your financial boundaries. Love your mum but not at the cost of your financial and mental wellbeing.

Unless you want to resent her for asking you for things and you saying yes. It's a cycle I've been in. At first you might feel guilty but eventually you'll realise it's part of life.

I would also be annoyed but leave it behind and start afresh from here. If she needs anything just say you don't have the money to do it upfront it etc. One of loads and loads of reasons I don't speak to family anymore is that they constantly take take take and don't help at all. I let it annoy me so much I don't speak to them now so don't let that happen to you

So just because that's all she has her daughter who has nowhere near the same should subsidise her?

OP ask her to reimburse you for what she's had off you and don't pay for her again. She's your mother and an adult not a dependant.

When you've stopped work, that money takes on much more meaning. There is more jeopardy in their situation and they feel it. It's the 'what if' fund. I think most older people, or people retiring feel like that.

Going forward you need to balance your need for security with that of your mums.

You could talk to her about it. Maybe that's all she has and she needs to make it last. But maybe she has thousands stashed away in other places too (perhaps not immediately accessible - eg. fixed rate bonds, premium bonds or something).
All of this is just speculation unless you talk to her. But I certainly think you should make it absolutely clear that you are struggling to get by and simply can't afford to be paying for things for her.
She shouldn't be buying expensive perfume if she's really as hard up as she claims.
Find out what's going on with her.

@Angelik You’re not exactly coming across as kind yourself…

You need to take control.
X can you do Y, answer is yes, but can you send me the money first as I can't afford to do it for free.
She moans about being short, you laugh and tell her, we are broke till next payday sorry mum this year is hurting everyone moneywise,

I wouldn't be subsidising someone with 15K in their current account no matter who they are. Buying their shopping? I mean wtf.

If an unexpected bill cropped up that they struggled to pay I would help out with that for sure, but I wouldn't be regularly paying for things for someone with a 5-figure sum available to them.

And those people saying 15K isn't much to live on are projecting, I think. For all we know OP's mum has numerous other sources of income/savings @PopGoesTheProsecco hasn't given us this information so we don't kow either way.

My mum had almost the same amount of money as OPs and pension credits were 52 a week. All I thought when I found out that was the extent of her savings was I didn’t realise she had so little. I don’t think it’s a lot when you don’t have much income and are paying water, gas and electricity, phone and internet, groceries, insurance. Plus house maintenance. Not that she ever asked for anything and was always getting clothes or toys for my son.

I'm a little 50/50 on this. She no longer works and only gets a pension- so no if it isn't income coming in. If she needed anything major done and the savings were used she doesn't have a way to replace them. However, knowing things are also tight for you, she shouldn't be accepting when you pay- from your example though, (the £300) she did offer to pay and you said no. At least now you know that your mum is actually ok and can stop offering to pay. If she brings up being concerned about money I wouldnt tell her that you know exactly what's in there, but a general you're right mum it's tough for everyone trype comment. Many retirees have a magic number in their head that if they don't have X amount then they will struggle. You know within reason she's ok, so you can get on with doing what you need to in order to stay afloat.

Why’s that ?

I agree with this. People have very different attitudes to money and how 'broke' they are.

You are being very nice and helpful to your Mum - not just financially but sociably too.

You are entitled to say to your Mum - sorry I can't afford to do that. Your Mum can make a choice then what she wants. Also you are both adults and your Mum should not be expecting her dc to support her financially.

Nothing much to do with mum really. Brother blames mum for break up of our family (in my view it was a 50:50) and step sisters understandably gave up interest when our parents broke up - though we still speak to each other.

OP’s mum gets Pension Credit so she’ll be getting at least £800pm.

Does she? I thought the maximum was £182 a week.

It's £185.15, so just over £800 per month

Eh??

Did you read the op? Her mum is getting her daughter to pay for stuff, knowing she is struggling for money all the while has savings in the bank, therefore not needing the financial assistance from her daughter.

I could save money easily, if other people bought stuff for me.

Thank you.

I can see why you feel cheated by your mum, but you've offered to do these things and have refused payment for them.

She probably has such vast savings BECAUSE she's careful with her money.

She likely thinks you're loaded if both you and your partner have full time jobs, especially if she's from the generation where a dual income household wasn't common.

The fact that you have to borrow just to pay your bills isn't on her.

The part where you mentioned travelling a 2 hr round trip each week to see her in a care home was a bit sad. It shouldn't feel like a hardship to visit your own mother who was in bad health!

Maybe you missed the bit where I mentioned that I have Long Covid and struggle to leave the house?

You’ve got to be projecting here. I can’t see any other reason you believe the OP is financially responsible for her mother who is financially better off than her. Absolutely nuts.