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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenager is lazy. AIBU telling him to get a job?

145 replies

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 27/11/2022 16:23

DS is 17 and a half. He’s not a bad kid.

He doesn’t go out very much; never gets drunk; doesn’t smoke or take drugs etc and is a sensible and nice young man.

At the same time though, he is extremely lazy.

He doesn’t revise for his exams and always has an excuse why homework isn’t done.

He doesn’t help with household chores; always has an excuse why he hasn’t made his bed or why his room is full of rubbish.

He won’t look for a part time job, and will tell me he’s prioritising school instead…even though he’s not really doing any schoolwork.

He constantly want’s new things e.g. socks; coats; shoes etc. He constantly wants snacks bought for him. We pay monthly for his gym membership and we also pay monthly for his phone.

I’ve told him that at 17 and a half, he really now needs to look for a part time job and he needs to start earning his own money. I wouldn’t take any £££ off him, and I’d continue to pay for his phone and gym…

BUT… I am really starting to feel angry at his lack of general effort and how much he just expects us to keep paying for.

He just enjoys staying up late on the computer and sleeping in until late afternoon.

He’s our only child and obviously I’ve done something wrong. Any advice about what I should do going forward?

Thank you

OP posts:
Move22 · 27/11/2022 16:26

He’s still in education. You supply basic food and supplies eg deodorant, shower gel, toothpaste.
if he wants new clothes or beer money, mobile phone or gym subscription he works for this?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/11/2022 16:28

You haven’t done anything wrong. Is he n full time education? He’ll be fine, don’t worry.

Original poster
Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 27/11/2022 16:39

Yes he’s in full time education. But all of his friends from school have part time jobs as well.

My son wants the same as what they have…but they have money that they’ve earned.

OP posts:
Florenz · 27/11/2022 16:41

Not really any excuse for him to not have a job at present, loads of companies are crying out for staff.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/11/2022 16:41

I’m sorry but I think if he’s in full time education then that should be his focus.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/11/2022 16:43

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/11/2022 16:41

I’m sorry but I think if he’s in full time education then that should be his focus.

It doesn't sound like it is his focus though, since he's not studying very much!

I had part time jobs from 15. Didn't stop me getting A levels and degrees.

KenAdams · 27/11/2022 16:45

I've found his Christmas present...

Teenager is lazy. AIBU telling him to get a job?
mumonthehill · 27/11/2022 16:45

elder ds had a part time job at that age and was doing a levels. We have always paid for basics, food, clothes, phone but if he wanted extras he had to earn it. Ds 15 also now has a Saturday job. They can be in education and work, it does them good and for elder ds made a huge difference when he went to uni as he picked up work easily.

Namenic · 27/11/2022 16:46

Um, you could say extras like socks and snacks are conditional on completing his chores, tidying his room and doing homework?

Ragruggers · 27/11/2022 16:48

If his friends have part time work then he needs to work,Stop buying him clothes sure he has enough.If he wants more tell him to earn some money to buy them.He can ask for money for his birthday and Christmas.Give him a budget iechildren benefit monthly and he can pay for his phone and gym membership from that.He needs to budget not have his parents pay.You will do him a favour in the long run especially if he plans to go to Uni next year.

HamBone · 27/11/2022 16:50

My DD (17) is also in FT education but still manages to work 8 hours a week in a local restaurant. She only works two 4-hour shifts, but with tips, that earns her enough for extras and she loves having her own money.

So yes, tell him to look for a job. He’ll enjoy the financial independence.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2022 16:53

If he was actually concentrating on studies and wasn’t asking for so many things bought for him I think that would be ok.

But as he’s not, and he does seem to want a lot, I think it’s right he gets a job

Original poster
Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 27/11/2022 16:54

I think that’s it. If he was actually studying at home, I’d be more understanding, but I’ve never ever seen him study at home.

He just seems to want his phone and gym paid for, or calls us to pick up Hotel Chocolate for him or a Burger King, or a pack of Spite cans etc

Being in sixth form there is no uniform, but he will only wear clothes from certain shops and brands. He doesn’t want Primark clothes, he wants River Island or JD.

I personally started working at 14, even though I stayed in school and then went to Uni. I’ve never not had a job. I worked 5-9 Monday to Friday and all day Saturday and Sunday whilst still studying. I’d been happy if DS just got a Saturday job and started saving a bit.

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 27/11/2022 16:55

He definitely needs a job, a few hours over the weekend won’t affect his studies. Don’t buy him anything non essential anymore

LBFseBrom · 27/11/2022 16:55

ThroughThickAndThin01 · Today 16:28
You haven’t done anything wrong. Is he n full time education? He’ll be fine, don’t worry.
.........................
I agree with that. Kids of his age are often considered 'lazy', I've heard it many times. However they usually perk up later and often do well. I presume you give him some pocket money so he can do things.

He probably would get a part time job if he saw something that interested him but jobs like that don't come up very often.

You've kept him this far, you can do so for a bit longer. Don't worry, all will be well.

shivawn · 27/11/2022 16:57

I personally think a part time job is fantastic for teenagers. We have a lot of teenagers on my husband's side of the family and you can really see the difference in maturity and independence between the ones that work and ones that don't.

Notimeforaname · 27/11/2022 16:59

Um, you could say extras like socks and snacks are conditional on completing his chores, tidying his room and doing homework?

This, at the very least if he wont get a job.

Allsnotwell · 27/11/2022 17:00

He just seems to want his phone and gym paid for, or calls us to pick up Hotel Chocolate for him or a Burger King, or a pack of Spite cans etc

Then you say no! Why are you enabling his lazy ways?

Being in sixth form there is no uniform, but he will only wear clothes from certain shops and brands. He doesn’t want Primark clothes, he wants River Island or JD.

Give him the cost of primark and he can earn the rest!

Have you ever given him pocket money so he knows the value of it?

As I had 3 kids they had pocket money from an early age so they brought what they wanted rather than what the others had.

Saved me a fortune!

You need to

Tell him, he can have the gym membership/phone on the basis his rooms let tidy - if not then no phone/gym

I’d also thrown in dishwasher twice a week, dirty clothes in the basket - not in basket - not washed

Start as you mean to go on

Original poster
Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 27/11/2022 17:00

Thank you everyone.

Im going to wait until I’m calm and then tell DS that I will only be paying for essentials going forward and if he wants anything else, he will need to get a job.

I know this is going to cause an argument.

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 27/11/2022 17:01

Are you picking up these things for him when he’s asking? If so what is the motivation to get a job if
mum is a mug and will always say yes?

Agree with above, he gets basics - food in the cupboards, deodorant, soap, toothpaste and his phone contract but anything else is for him to fund

Watapalava · 27/11/2022 17:06

At 17 it’s really lazy to not have a part time job regardless of being in education. But if you buy as you are why would he work?

cadburyegg · 27/11/2022 17:06

At that age when I was in FTE my parents gave me a monthly allowance and also paid for my driving lessons and phone. They would also supply basics for me ie food, some clothes. If I wanted anything else I had to get it out of my allowance. So I didn't have to get a job, but I did because I wanted more money. He doesn't have an incentive to get a job when you're providing absolutely everything for him.

Original poster
Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 27/11/2022 17:06

To answer a few questions, yes I’ve always given him pocket money, until I stopped about 4 months ago. I was giving him about £100 a month. He won’t spent that though. He has saved it.

I am a mug and I do tend to buy what he asks for. But with the cost of living increasing, this is becoming difficult and stressful and so his lack of effort seems to hurt, as he knows how hard his dad and I work (full time), but he expects us to just work harder.

He actually suggested once that I get a second job as his priority is school. Although I know he said this in anger and probably didn’t mean it.

I’ve got to be harder now, but then I end up feeling guilty. Then I enable him and then I feel cross with myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 27/11/2022 17:08

I realise this is my fault entirely. I need to sort it out. Thank you for the advice all.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 27/11/2022 17:11

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 27/11/2022 17:06

To answer a few questions, yes I’ve always given him pocket money, until I stopped about 4 months ago. I was giving him about £100 a month. He won’t spent that though. He has saved it.

I am a mug and I do tend to buy what he asks for. But with the cost of living increasing, this is becoming difficult and stressful and so his lack of effort seems to hurt, as he knows how hard his dad and I work (full time), but he expects us to just work harder.

He actually suggested once that I get a second job as his priority is school. Although I know he said this in anger and probably didn’t mean it.

I’ve got to be harder now, but then I end up feeling guilty. Then I enable him and then I feel cross with myself.

That’s an impressive amount of entitlement and cheek; he thinks YOU should get a 2nd job. While he sits on his arse?!

I vote stick with your plan of funding the essentials and he can do the rest