Teenager is lazy. AIBU telling him to get a job?

[Iwannabeacrocodilehunter]

DS is 17 and a half. He’s not a bad kid.

He doesn’t go out very much; never gets drunk; doesn’t smoke or take drugs etc and is a sensible and nice young man.

At the same time though, he is extremely lazy.

He doesn’t revise for his exams and always has an excuse why homework isn’t done.

He doesn’t help with household chores; always has an excuse why he hasn’t made his bed or why his room is full of rubbish.

He won’t look for a part time job, and will tell me he’s prioritising school instead…even though he’s not really doing any schoolwork.

He constantly want’s new things e.g. socks; coats; shoes etc. He constantly wants snacks bought for him. We pay monthly for his gym membership and we also pay monthly for his phone.

I’ve told him that at 17 and a half, he really now needs to look for a part time job and he needs to start earning his own money. I wouldn’t take any £££ off him, and I’d continue to pay for his phone and gym…

BUT… I am really starting to feel angry at his lack of general effort and how much he just expects us to keep paying for.

He just enjoys staying up late on the computer and sleeping in until late afternoon.

He’s our only child and obviously I’ve done something wrong. Any advice about what I should do going forward?

Thank you

I voted YABU because I think you've been too soft on him for years and now you have this lazy oaf. Chores are non-negotiable. He should have been doing them for years by now, he's part of the family and everyone should pull their weight. And he should most definitely have a part time job (again, he should be working already!). Stop funding him.

Yes, he's going to throw a big tantrum. Don't you dare back down. Being too soft has got you this point so now you need to stand your ground finally. You're not helping him by pandering to him. Instead you have an ungrateful, entitled young adult.Time to stop babying him.

@Iwannabeacrocodilehunter - we made sure birthday didn't include too much cash as mine would do exactly the same. He's about to turn 17 and we will book driving lessons for him, cash from aunts and uncles we quietly asked for vouchers. Cash just goes on food after school/gym.

If he's anything like my DS, you telling him to get a job is quite possibly the reason he isn't - back off telling him he needs to work but make sure he soon realises he'll need one if he wants stuff!

No exactly I agree. I am just sat on the sofa now, trying to get rid of my headache and calm down a bit. Then DH and I are going to call him for a chat.

We won’t link the job to lack of study. We’ll simply tell him that due to the cost of living we will only be able to afford the necessities and if he wants extras or expensive clothes, he will have to find a part time job.

We will also make clear that we don’t expect him to work every spare moment, but a Saturday job would give him a bit of pocket money to afford the extras.

Following that, I intend to stick to what I’ve said.

He should have a job, it instills a good work ethic.

both mine had paper rounds at 13, cafe type jobs at 15 and retail at 16. Both went to university and both have good jobs.

both still have an excellent work ethic and are now reaping the rewards. No way would a 17 year old not have a part time job in this house unless they were spending a significant amount of time as a high achieving athlete on their weekends and evenings.

Going to school is his job.

At 6th form my (and younger) mine got a monthly allowance plus twice a year I took them shopping for wardrobe essentials - they had some discretion but they needed stretch the money so discovered charity shops in particular. They both received an annual bursary for singing worth £30 a week in addition

Sounds like a good plan OP. I'd echo what other posters have said that, unless you live somewhere remote, retail and hospitality are crying out for staff. Absolutely all of my 16 year old DD's friends have got jobs without really even trying.

Does your DS need some support in the actual mechanics of applying for a job? My DS was never very good at asking for help, so he would do nothing and pretend he wasn't bothered rather than say he couldn't do it himself. In the end I put some jobs adverts in front of him and explained how to fill in the application form. I got some grunts in response but he did actually do it!
If all his friends have jobs, I imagine he is feeling some peer pressure to get one too.

I do understand this and if he was studying really hard, I wouldn’t feel so cross.

But as someone else said, he has only a few hours of lessons a day, so he often goes into school late or leaves early. I’ve never seen him do any school work at home and he doesn’t spend his free lessons studying, he spends them going into town with friends.

If he had a job in McDonald’s or Tesco, perhaps he’d realise that study is important if he wants a job he’s going to enjoy.

You need to make sure he understands that you can’t support him forever. My son is doing 4 A levels, plays football for a local team, represents his school in a different sport and has a weekend job! Occasionally I ask him to slow down a bit, but he seems to enjoy being self sufficient. I can’t remember the last time he asked me for money. I know if something happened to me, he’d manage.

Will he be able to function as an adult in a year? Does he do laundry, plan and cook meals, know how to do basic day to day tasks?

Just reading what you're still spending on him and again, very similar so how I'm tackling it....

£15 a week cap on school lunch. That can buy 3 meals plus a few snacks and all I'm able/prepared to pay - get in packed lunch stuff but he needs to start thinking about what he spends your money on!

Clothes: I buy all the basics so anything he needs but not just because he fancies some new clothes! 3 pairs of trousers? A specific brand coat? No chance. If my DS wants expensive brands he has to supplement and unless he has a suddenly growth spurt or something wears out/breaks, I would expect to be buying him clothes just as I don't for myself and have to wait for Bday and Christmas for nice bits.

Yeah that is true..and it does seem he has enough time then. Might be he finds he actually enjoys it if he does get a job. When my ds was that age he ran up a phone bill (abroad) and ended up folding pizza cartons for the local pizzeria when he got home to pay for it. He came to the conclusion he dud not want to do this in the future.. 😅

No. He doesn’t. I’ve have bought pizzas for him to cook for the family on a Thursday as I have meetings and get home late. I thought ‘start with pizzas as it’s easy for him’. He just argues and honestly, you can’t reason with him. He shouts louder and walks off. After working a twelve hour shift, I can’t be bothered with the aggro.
He will phone my parents who in turn will phone me and tell me not to go on at him.

He will vacuum at a push, once every few months.

Stop buying everything he demands.
Tell him, sharing domestic chores is not optional.
Make a list of jobs he must do every week.

Of course he doesn't want to get a job and work to earn money; why would he
when you pay him £100 + a month to do absolutely nothing

What are his plans for after school? Eg if he’s thinking uni what will he put on application form. Have you looked at finances - unless you are on a very low wage he can’t borrow full maintenance loan. What he can borrow will not even cover his halls rent.
It’s easy to get a job now there’s lots around. Maybe suggest a Christmas job - see how he gets on, get some experience. They are off 2.5 weeks at Christmas he won’t be studying whole time. I helped mine with a cv and checked application.
I’d look at everything and have a family discussion.
I think I’m pretty generous but wouldn’t pay £6 a day for lunch, I wouldn’t pay that for my lunch - I take food to work, she makes and takes a packed lunch.

This sounds like my bil, who is mid 30s , still living at home and refuses to do anything, can't (won't) cook or clean. Doesn't work . If he's asked to do anything he has a massive tantrum and threatens to run away 🙈 mil actually gives into it. He's been doing this 20 odd years.
My advice is to nip it in the bud now. Ignore the tantrums and the kicking off. It will benefit him it in the long run

Usually I’m not a big fan of DC having part time jobs. In my view parents should be supporting them while they’re in full time education.

I also think it’s crazy to be potentially putting DC’s grades in jeopardy for the sake of earning a fiver an hour.

Having said that, if he’s not studying hard, I’d be telling him to get a job.

My middle child is 17 and in full time education and works Saturdays and Sundays. She has had a job since she turned 16. As soon as one finished she rushed around until she got another. She has been working as a temp for a shop and was asked to consider staying on permanently today because she works so hard. It has given her such a strong work ethic already and really enjoys being able to buy what she wants. She said to me last night that she can't think of anything she wants for Christmas as since she got a job she just buys what she wants when she wants it

We actually negotiated a contract with DC1 when she turned 14 and was no longer happy to go shopping with me for clothes in mid-budget shops 😳🤣

She gets a monthly allowance. The contract states exactly what we pay for and what she pays for.

We increased the amount when she started college at 16 (partly because she started to commute into the nearest city and partly because she chose an unpaid (but long term vocationally sound) academic route to reach goals she'd thought through sensibly while a lot of her friends chose paid apprenticeships).

We've followed the same model for dc2 (boy) with a couple of agreed adaptions seen as fair by both dc1 and 2.

DD had stopped growing shoe size and height wise at 14 but I find a well fitting bra important so I said I'll pay for 3 really decent new bras per year on top of her allowance 🤣 DS on the other hand is (unsurprisingly for a boy) still growing so instead of bras I pay for two new pairs of mid range shoes each year (one in autumn, one in spring) and one pair of football boots. If he wants anything above the price I'm prepared to pay he tops up - so I'll pay up to say £40 but if he wants to spend £80 that's up to him, he just has to add his £40 to mine.

Clothing wise their allowances pay for everything else - they both favour sports brands but shop thriftily on Vinted and in sales.

We pay for annual travel cards.

We pay for driving lessons (we don't give them lumps of cash in case they want driving lessons, but pay directly for lessons taken and tests).

We pay for basic phones and basic data packages - they want more, we'll provide the cost of the basic and they can add to it.

We pay for them to go on holiday with us and on school trips - they pay for holidays with mates or boy/ girlfriends.

They buy whatever birthday and Christmas presents they want to give anyone.

They pay for their social lives.

Snacks - I buy some communal snacks which if anyone opens they have to eat in the communal areas and offer around. If they want a private stash that's fine but they buy it (if I'm doing a shop anyway I'll buy it but they transfer the exact cost to me, and I won't stop at a shop just to buy a snack on demand - they have bicycles...)

DD works (tutoring and babysitting through a proper agency, but she has flexibility around her studies) and DS doesn't so far, though to be fair he's only 15 and although there are lots of jobs for 16+ around us there's very little for 15 year olds outside some very specific summer holiday only jobs.

It works well with very little discussion or debate.

We never, ever, give or lend cash or buy random items (unless it's a birthday or Christmas present, in which case they get what we would spend on a present if they prefer cash).

DS (15) gets 80€ per month, which is about £65 or £70, and DD (17) gets 100€. I actually think that's fair for all clothes, snacks and socialising etc.

Yep!

DD1 had a Saturday job since she was 14,
then worked two jobs over the summer at 16 and saved for a car and paid half her driving lessons.
Then worked two different jobs when she hit 18 and saved for Uni.
DD2 worked in burger vans since 15 traveling g quite a distance sometimes for ad hock events. Then worked nights at a restaurant. Now works in a shop Saturday’s.
DS1 works at the post office sorting mail 3 evenings a week.
They all pay petrol own phones and ‘nice food’ when out with friends.

I have no issue ‘helping’ them out with petrol etc occasionally as they really do like working and spending their own money.

I pay DD lunch money as she’s still at college and we give DD at Uni spending money for basics/food etc but she still works for the good stuff.

a 17 year old who wants Hotel Chocolate and clothes from River Island??? never in my life! aren't they funny?? 🤣

got nothing useful to add, my 17.5 year old dropped out of ALevels and smokes a lot of weed. But she does work full time and cooks/cleans/buys her own stuff etc 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think we just have to hold on for the ride?

My son’s sixth form college advise students not to get a job so that they can focus on their studies.

My son doesn’t work but he works really hard at college. He also never asks for clothes or anything much.

Mine studies hard/top grade student but 12 hours taught plus school recommended 12 hours on top study isn’t a full time job. Unless they have a massive commute, lots of sport commitments or learning issues that mean they need to study more than recommended then most sixth formers can fit in a few hours of paid work imo.
Everywhere I know is paying above minimum wage as they can’t get staff. There’s often perks too like free meals or staff discount.
He sounds like he’s lacking confidence with life skills and masking by flying off handle. A little pt job could really help with his confidence.

I don’t mean to drip feed here, but raising him has been so hard. No because he’s been difficult, he was an adorable little boy!

But my parents and my sister both make things quite the challenge. Although I now recognise that I could have ignored this and raised my child differently.

My parents really spoil the grandkids (they only have two) and also always take their side which is understandable. When I say something DS doesn’t like, he will often ring my mum to complain about me.

My sister always ensured my niece has EVERYTHING and over the years I’ve felt the need to ‘keep up with the Jones’ a bit.

As I say, I fully understand that I have allowed this to happen and it is entirely my fault. I will be doing something about it now.

Given his lack of study, what are his plans post A levels as he is unlikely to get passes or good grades?

From the age of 14, mine had a choice of holiday jobs and choice of clothing, activities, etc, or me supplying basics, so supermarkets, cheaper clothes shops, market stuff and basic family activities.

I did this because I was like your son as a teenager, lazy, unmotivated, although I got very little pocket money and wasn't spoilt in any way. I just couldn't be bothered to get a job or work at schoolwork.