Teenager is lazy. AIBU telling him to get a job?

[Iwannabeacrocodilehunter]

DS is 17 and a half. He’s not a bad kid.

He doesn’t go out very much; never gets drunk; doesn’t smoke or take drugs etc and is a sensible and nice young man.

At the same time though, he is extremely lazy.

He doesn’t revise for his exams and always has an excuse why homework isn’t done.

He doesn’t help with household chores; always has an excuse why he hasn’t made his bed or why his room is full of rubbish.

He won’t look for a part time job, and will tell me he’s prioritising school instead…even though he’s not really doing any schoolwork.

He constantly want’s new things e.g. socks; coats; shoes etc. He constantly wants snacks bought for him. We pay monthly for his gym membership and we also pay monthly for his phone.

I’ve told him that at 17 and a half, he really now needs to look for a part time job and he needs to start earning his own money. I wouldn’t take any £££ off him, and I’d continue to pay for his phone and gym…

BUT… I am really starting to feel angry at his lack of general effort and how much he just expects us to keep paying for.

He just enjoys staying up late on the computer and sleeping in until late afternoon.

He’s our only child and obviously I’ve done something wrong. Any advice about what I should do going forward?

Thank you

Well I'd ask them to back you up

A point I do find bizarre is why you’ve seemingly been quite happy to enable his lazy lifestyle for so long, yet in the run-up to his A level exams all of a sudden he needs to get a job. Surely the encouragement should be to study hard for three important exams.

I certainly wouldn’t be running round getting takeaways and wouldn’t have entertained that in the first place, but the job I wouldn’t be pushing at this stage. He will presumably have a whole summer to work once his A levels are over.

Thank you everyone for the advice.

DH and I had a chat first to make sure we were on the same page and then we called DS down for a chat.

We didn’t mention study, but we focused on the affordability of everything he wants.

We emphasised that of course, we want to make sure he has all the basic he needs, but the luxuries will be stopping.

We explained that we don’t want him to work every hour under the sun, but a Saturday job could earn him a few hundred a month, which he can spend on whatever he likes.

We told him how much we love him, but we could really do with a bit of help around the house now he’s almost an adult. We’ve negotiated that he cooks every Thursday evening and has to keep his room tidy and help out with other chores every Saturday morning, for one hour. He can pick first from a list of chores.

We’ve told him that we will continue to pay for his gym and phone for at least another year if he gets a job, but will stop paying after 1 month if he has shown no effort to find one. We will pay for clothes, but he will have to top up the money if he wants anything expensive.

Again, we reiterated that we aren’t trying to make life hard and we understand he has study to do, but he needs to contribute towards his own luxuries as we have to pay the bills.

In fairness he listened and said OK. I think after the row we had earlier today, he might have had time to think. Time will tell now whether he does this, and I haven’t had a call from my mum yet, but if I do, I genuinely feel VERY REASONABLE.

We then had a bit of joke about some other things and listened to him chat about a girl he likes. He then went off to his room and I feel quite surprised it went so well. A bit elated to be honest. I hope it has made a difference. I guess we’ll see within the month.

The short answer to this is that prior to this year we could afford to indulge him quite comfortably. We are really feeling the pinch now and cannot.

Trying to keep up with what he wants is extremely stressful, particularly when he seemingly isn’t even making the effort at school or at home on his studies, when this has been his excuse for not getting a job.

Additionally, I am scared that at this rate he is not going to get the grades he expects at A level. He seems to think everything will just come to him on a plate. I think that a job could change his attitude towards study and make him realise the type of job he’ll be stuck doing if he doesn’t knuckle down.

I'm not trying to be cruel in anyway or unfair. But I think he can be quite immature and if I don’t tackle this now, he’s going to fail and his chances in life will be diminished.

He doesn’t have to work a lot, but a few hours will give him some responsibility and show him he needs to work hard for a job he’ll enjoy. Hopefully.

Hopefully it’s the turning point you all need

My 17 year old is in college but he works part time around it, pays for his petrol, his phone, his gym membership and his contact lens subscription. We cover everything else and we cover his college lunches that he buys each day. He helps around the house when asked. We don't take keep off him and he is saving around £200 a month.

I think if your DS is wanting new clothes all the time etc, then it's time he gets a little job.

I really hope so. I pray he’s not just saying OK with no intention. He has since come down to tell me that he’s applying for a job at Aldi for £10.50 an hour. That’s amazing. I’d be so proud if he can start taking a bit of responsibility for himself.

My mistake, we pay his phone not him

That's amazing
My parents insisted I worked despite being reasonably well off.
I did a job in a hospital from 16-22 while studying my degree.
Set me up for life - I can talk to anyone.
I am now incredibly senior in a job I love

Could be the making of him, a whole new beginning.
I find it amazing what my DS is capable of. Just keep the encouragement up

Bring in full time education at his age he’s more than capable of working a few hours

Aldi will want him for at least 20hrs
He won't be able to handle the booze till he's 18
Also he will have a shock if he starts there as they are
On the go constantly there's no let up, no lunch breaks
Just 15/20 min breaks

My friends son age 17 works in Aldi, as well as college. He loves it x

Giving a young person a good work ethic early on is so important.
My DCs needed "encouragement" to work part time from the age of 16, their self esteem improved and both now have a good attitude to work.
Had I left them to lounge around I'm sure this wouldn't be the case.

I’m actually still sat here wondering where the full on tantrum was. I was so sure it was going to be excuse after excuse. Particularly after earlier.
Im feeling quite guilty now for complaining about him, when he’s just responded so maturely to us.

I think it will be really good for him. I know he has so much potential and I think he’ll feel great buying himself what he wants, it’ll be liberating.

I think things like cooking you should bring him in on a bit more. But jot as a chore.to me cooking is and has been essential to so many things going forward.
so completely desperate to making him cook I’d ask him if you can do some dishes together.get him so basics and a repertoire going.especially if he is leaving or becoming more independent.food and cooking knowledge will see him through so much.people often laugh or mock those who can’t boil an egg.but why would they if they’ve never had to or been taught.so something like this could be done maybe? Might be fun for both of you too. It will alos let him see the cost of things as good will Deff shove the cost in front of his face!

If he’s not a confident cook have you thought about an airfryer? My 16 yr old makes all sorts in ours. Much quicker than getting fast food.
I’d offer help with application and cv. And chat about interviews. Tell him don’t be discouraged if they don’t respond keep trying.

Stop paying for things beyond the basics & you will find he rapidly gets off his arse.

Stop paying for gym & phone.
Stop paying for snacks/treats
Only buy basic clothing (supermarket etc, no brands)

Most teens manage school plus a small part time job on top.

So if dc choose to do a PhD etc parents should be supporting them until they are potentially in their thirties? At which point dc are surprised to find out they are unemployable as they have no work experience at all?

I really don't get this rationale - a levels are a max of 1 hour per subject a day. Often less - I think I had about 12 hours actual tuition a week and i did an extra as level so more than most. That still leaves another 3 hours EVERY DAY in school time to do supplementary reading/revision,plus 7 hours from 3.30-10.30 to fit in another hour or two. 6 hours working in a shop on a Saturday morning isn't going to be here or there. If they can't manage their free time effectively they shouldn't be doing a levels.

Apart from the fact that "5 quid an hour" can add up to a fair amount per month (and is usually the difference between the child having luxury items or budget versions rather than the parents refusing to pay for the basics!) a part time job is so much more than just the money -I found mine a lot more useful in terms of life skills and maturity than my actual a levels, which were just a means to an end and which I've forgotten most of the actual content of.

So if dc choose to do a PhD etc parents should be supporting them until they are potentially in their thirties?

People studying for a doctorate are usually in employment.