Teenager is lazy. AIBU telling him to get a job?

[Iwannabeacrocodilehunter]

DS is 17 and a half. He’s not a bad kid.

He doesn’t go out very much; never gets drunk; doesn’t smoke or take drugs etc and is a sensible and nice young man.

At the same time though, he is extremely lazy.

He doesn’t revise for his exams and always has an excuse why homework isn’t done.

He doesn’t help with household chores; always has an excuse why he hasn’t made his bed or why his room is full of rubbish.

He won’t look for a part time job, and will tell me he’s prioritising school instead…even though he’s not really doing any schoolwork.

He constantly want’s new things e.g. socks; coats; shoes etc. He constantly wants snacks bought for him. We pay monthly for his gym membership and we also pay monthly for his phone.

I’ve told him that at 17 and a half, he really now needs to look for a part time job and he needs to start earning his own money. I wouldn’t take any £££ off him, and I’d continue to pay for his phone and gym…

BUT… I am really starting to feel angry at his lack of general effort and how much he just expects us to keep paying for.

He just enjoys staying up late on the computer and sleeping in until late afternoon.

He’s our only child and obviously I’ve done something wrong. Any advice about what I should do going forward?

Thank you

I see why you're annoyed, but on the other hand he's still a kid. He's only 17! Yes I had a part time job at that age but did I like it? No.

He's in education and frankly he'll spend his entire adult life working and not getting much time to play games and sleep and chill out.

I'd say pester him about the homework but he doesn't need to work just yet.

I would really talk up getting a job to him (potential benefits for future career, confidence, having his own money…) without suggesting that you think he’s lazy (which probably won’t go down well!)

Absolutely nip this in the bud as before you know it you'll have an unemployed 25 year old living in your house and still expecting to be waited on hand and foot.

Be strong and be firm now you've made this decision. And good luck!

Honestly he sounds like a the same as a lot of teenagers. You are probably overthinking and worrying unnecessarily.
A job for a few hours a week is great for confidence and a bit of extra money but as his exams get closer it will be harder to combine work with study.
Bare in mind a lot of employers ( retail/ bars etc) expect to be able to call on employees 24/7 ( I think they call ot being fully flexible) whilst giving minimum commitment back in terms of hours, pay and conditions.

At almost 18 he needs to have some sort of work to put on his CV.

He needs to learn now that the guilt tripping doesn’t work. Tell him straight - your mates have jobs, you don’t, that’s why they have this stuff- and stop spending on him. Yes, he’ll kick off - but he needs to learn that if he wants hotel Chocolat he pays for it himself.

Can’t believe he’ll get you to pick up hotel chocolat for him- who does he think he is?! For most people that’s like a once a year treat for birthdays or Christmas!!

What planet are you on?? It's not lazy for a child in full time education to not have a job. They're literally working all week already.

I can't find it now but posted VERY similar about my DS16 - barely did any home work (claims he does it during his free periods) and is incredibly lazy doing very little except eating and Xbox! We paid for gym & phone like you and bits and bobs. the overwhelming advice was stop paying for his phone/gym/treats - that is why he has doesn't need a job if you always give him the things he wants!

Luckily for us soon after DS decided he wanted to go to a festival next year and I made it clear that was 100% on him so to my surprise (& relief!) he got himself a job.

I'd suggest find a concert, holiday or something similar he wants to do that he will need to pay for & stop the handouts and treats. What about driving? Doesn't he need fuel at the very least?

We gave him £400 for his birthday for driving lessons and he just put it in his bank and hasn’t touched it since. He hasn’t booked any driving lessons and doesn’t seem particularly interested.
DH offered to take him out in my car and he went once or twice before saying he didn’t want to bother right now.

If he wants luxuries and extras that you can't afford he needs a job. Even if you can afford them, learning that you have to work for what you want does no harm. All of the kids in our close have had part time jobs once they are 16+. Local chippie, M&S, takeaway delivery, Tesco, car showroom reception, Primark etc. These aren't hard up families either. It's an expected right of passage. Once they are that age they generally want more, more clothes , phones, gym, driving lessons, meeting friends for food etc. Plus if all of his friends are working what makes him think he's so special. You seem worried that he will be upset if you stop funding this. It's a parents job to frustrate them occasionally. How will he learn to deal with frustration and develop some resilience if he never comes across something he doesn't like or want to deal with.

I don’t think he needs to get a job, but he does need a realistic understanding of what he needs versus wants. You provide the needs at this point, as he’s in full time education. If he can live on that, fine, if there’s something on top of that which he wants, he has to earn his own money.

There have been a few threads on here recently should teens at sixth form work. Mine is yr 12 and works one shift a week at McDonald’s. It pays above min wage. It’s been good for her - dealing with managers, the public, sorting her availability out.
It doesn’t interfere with school work - she’s at school locally so no long commute. She has 4 hours taught lessons per A level and they recommend another 4 study on top so 24 hours a week for 3 A levels. Leaves plenty of time for volunteer role, hobby, gym, extra curricular at school and 6/7 hours a week paid job.
Fwiw we are in a nice area, high achieving grammar school and most have a job yr 12 or 13. It’s seen as a positive.

You’ve made a rod for your own back always saying yes even when you can’t afford it. I’d just say it’s stopping now and stand your ground even when he has a tantrum about it - which I expect he might

I’d be thrilled if he would just do 6 to 10 hours a week. It would be a bit of pocket money…but mostly, it would give him a sense of the job he could be stuck in if he doesn’t pull his weight at school. I think that’s why I want him to work so badly.

I'd be more annoyed about the lack of household chores. Whilst my DC both have/had jobs during sixth form I think wanting to focus on school work is not an unreasonable stance.

Personally i'd start with a certain set of chores are expected and if this is not forthcoming than stuff he expects (there will be something - lifts? Nice food? WIFI?) will also not be forthcoming.

I'd also cut his allowance or make him pay for more stuff out of it. £100 a month and phone and gym on top is a huge amount.

It is definitely stopping now. 100%.

I started working at 17 in my uni holidays. At least I think I was 17?

My dad helped me get the job and although I hated it at first I did love the money and it helped me get a lot of confidence.

All of mine had jobs at 16 weekend and holidays, they all went to university got good degrees and found jobs fast.

I've confiscated controllers for games before now and phones.

They're hard work at this age sigh

If you don't nip this is the bud now it will get worse, esp when he goes to uni.

Whatever you do don't say 'and you're not even studying' as before you know it he will have manipulated it so that he says he will study as long as you pay up. At the end of the day the lack of study affects him and you need to make that clear to him. Don't link study to chores/pocket money.

I stopped the £100 four months ago, when frankly I couldn’t afford it anymore.

But then, I have bought him things he’s asked for. For instance, he wanted boots; 3 pairs of trousers; three tops and a couple of jumpers from River island for school and a coat from Tresspass. I feel obligated to buy him clothes as his parent, but it’s very expensive compared to uniform which I used to buy from Asda or Tesco.

So, he’s always had a lot. I just can’t do it anymore. I need him to pull his weight a little and stop expecting DH and I to keep putting our hands in our pockets. I also pay his lunch money and he spends about £6 a day on his lunch in school. He’s expensive!!

well they aren't literally working, are they? because education isn't the same as work.
Plus in sixth form they aren't even being educated 'all week.' If he's doing A levels in Yr 13 he'll have between 1-3 lessons a day, max. Fewer some days. Ideally obviously that should be supplemented by extra work in the 'free' time but a) OPs description of her DS doesn't make that sound likely, and b) even an hour work per subject every day still doesn't add up to anything like a full time working week!

When I was 17 I did 5 AS levels, extra-curriculars, worked 15 hours a week at my part time job, plus driving lessons, still had way more free time than I do now!

OP your job as a parent is to prepare him to be a successful adult. A man who is lazy and would prefer his loved ones work themselves to the bone to provide him with luxuries while he takes things easy isn't going to be a great partner/employee/friend to anyone, is he?

There's plenty of jobs available for Christmas time. Pretty much every restaurant, food outlet and supermarket that I know of is advertising for staff. My nephew is 17 and has just started at Taco Bell, he enjoys it and I can already tell it's making him grow up a bit.

My three teens will spend MY £50 on expensive designer hoodies - they spend THEIR £50 in Primark -

Work that out!

Sorry OP, I misread your previous post. It does sounds like you are buying him a lot though and I think you are right to stop. £6 a day for lunch is also taking the piss. I assume that you have ingredients for a packed lunch in your kitchen cupboards - I'd be pointing him at those.