Teenager is lazy. AIBU telling him to get a job?

[Iwannabeacrocodilehunter]

DS is 17 and a half. He’s not a bad kid.

He doesn’t go out very much; never gets drunk; doesn’t smoke or take drugs etc and is a sensible and nice young man.

At the same time though, he is extremely lazy.

He doesn’t revise for his exams and always has an excuse why homework isn’t done.

He doesn’t help with household chores; always has an excuse why he hasn’t made his bed or why his room is full of rubbish.

He won’t look for a part time job, and will tell me he’s prioritising school instead…even though he’s not really doing any schoolwork.

He constantly want’s new things e.g. socks; coats; shoes etc. He constantly wants snacks bought for him. We pay monthly for his gym membership and we also pay monthly for his phone.

I’ve told him that at 17 and a half, he really now needs to look for a part time job and he needs to start earning his own money. I wouldn’t take any £££ off him, and I’d continue to pay for his phone and gym…

BUT… I am really starting to feel angry at his lack of general effort and how much he just expects us to keep paying for.

He just enjoys staying up late on the computer and sleeping in until late afternoon.

He’s our only child and obviously I’ve done something wrong. Any advice about what I should do going forward?

Thank you

My now 18yo has had a part time job since he was 16. He was similar to yours and reluctant to get a job. However he quickly realised that even a couple of shifts at minimum wage fit with 6th form, could be a laugh and earn him up th £100 pw that was all his.

He's motivated by money and likes his designer labels and working has definitely helped mature him. He's got a job now that pays almost £10ph plus tips, he can always pick up extra shifts because they know he's reliable. They have even agreed to move him to a branch in whichever uni city he ends up in.

I'm really proud of him and will admit I didn't have particularly high expectations. School to work really is a rite of passage. My view is the earliest you understand that what you do has value and can be rewarded

I'd push him a bit harder

It's a bit shitty to resent buying your kid socks

Every time he whinges to family, remove £20 from what you do give him.
I would put family firmly back in their box. It is none of their business, and I would reduce contact with them if they don't butt out.
I would have stamped on that a long time ago.

At 15 I was working saturdays in a supermarket and one evening a week. And week days in the summer holidays. It was a brilliant experience. I learnt responsibilty, management and people skills. I mean if hes going to flunk his exams then at least he will have work experience to get a job!

But then, I have bought him things he’s asked for. For instance, he wanted boots; 3 pairs of trousers; three tops and a couple of jumpers from River island for school and a coat from Tresspass. I feel obligated to buy him clothes as his parent, but it’s very expensive compared to uniform which I used to buy from Asda or Tesco.

Give him a budget, if he wants to buy more clothes or expensive clothes, then he can but needs to contribute

I have to say I don’t like how these threads quickly descend into a competition of “My 13 year old works 50 hours a week alongside school and doesn’t get a penny off me. “

In my view, while DC are in full time education, that should be their focus and they should be working hard at it. I wouldn’t want to spend a full week at work (which is what DC should be doing at school) to then work all weekend.

If DC can work a few hours a week, fair enough but I certainly wouldn’t be encouraging some of the work patterns on here. GCSEs and A levels should be a full time job in themselves and need proper effort.

He wants to take a gap year…but I’m not sure what for? I think he just can’t be bothered to write his UCAS statement to be honest.

As for grades and a job, I genuinely think he thinks it will come easy. He is a very handsome young man; good physique and very tall, and he gets a lot of positive attention. I think he naïvely believes that this will somehow carry him through life. He wants an agent (?), but doesn’t feel he needs acting lessons, so I’m not sure what the agent is for.

I think he’s just immature. I believe a job would set him on the path to studying harder and focusing on what actually matters.

With your updates it definitely sounds like you need a discussion. You’re role is to help him prepare for adulthood.

Some cooking and basic chores isn’t unreasonable.
You paying for some things and him paying for some especially luxury items isn’t unreasonable.
I’d tell your parents and siblings but keep out.
At end of day you have to co exist together and he needs to be capable of living alone in potentially a couple of years.

I agree, @FriedDuck DD worked far more during the summer holidays, but luckily her employer completely understands that DD’s education comes first so is fine with two 4-hour shifts during term time. Plus she’s on a sports team so she really couldn’t manage more hours with homework as well.

Oh dear. He needs to get a job he is nearly a man for goodness sake. Stop enabling this He will struggle to get a job in the future if his never had any work by now. All my kids had a part time job as soon as they turned 16 think about the kind of man he will be if he can't even work

Snacks - I buy some communal snacks which if anyone opens they have to eat in the communal areas and offer around.

I mean, common, really…communual area? Did you not have a need for privacy when you were a teenager? This almost makes me sad.

My son didn’t work in sixth form but he spent every spare minute revising, apart from playing 5 a side a couple of evenings per week. He wasn’t into designer clothes or demanding of what I bought him. If he was there’s no way I’d have been picking up hotel chocolate or takeaways all the time. Sorry but hotel chocolate is a luxury brand that is for birthdays etc. If he has a taste for expensive things in life let’s see how keen he is on them when he has to pay out of his own pocket. If you’re buying this stuff for him still and just saying get a job, why would he stop doing that? If he can get everything handed to him on a plate he’s not going to get out there and earn it. You need to stop buying it, give him a date, and stick to it. You’re doing him no favours in the long run

You DEFINITELY need to tell your parents to butt out. It's none of their business and you will deal with your son how you see fit, if they phone to have a go just hang up as they are completely overstepping.

As for a year off, he needs a plan because if he is not in education he needs to contribute to the household (and all gym memberships/phone plans etc get cancelled). He doesn't get to spend a year loafing about doing nothing

If he wants nice stuff, he needs to work like his mates! I would just laugh if he asks me to get him Hotel Chocolates or a second job. Say, ‘ha ha, nice one!’

I have/had three teens and put £10 on their lunch card occasionally but otherwise they took rolls/chocolate/crisps/fruit from the house. I’d be tempted to give him £10 a week for food and he can have dinners a couple of days and make lunches the other days-his choice.

I’m presuming he has a coat and socks, so when he asks for new ones, you tell him he already has a coat and to wear that one. If he wants a new one, he needs to ask for it for Xmas or get a job.

Don’t cave. He’ll soon learn as he won’t have an alternative!

If he wants a gap year then he needs a conversation about how he’s going to fund it! Be clear about what you will and won’t pay out for.

It’s not that.

But it’s amazing how often he’ll say
“mum can you pick me up some socks for the gym?”,
“mum, I need some white Tshirts, muscle ones please”,
“mum, can you pick me up a bbq chicken wrap meal and a double cheeseburger”
”mum, I’ve ran out of lunch money on my card…yeah I know I’ve spent £20 in three days, but I’m bulking”.

It’s the entitlement I’m beginning to resent.

I love my son to bits, I really do, which is why I always end up feeling guilty when I say no and giving in. But I also know that giving in all the time is not good for him and I’m therefore I’m not being a good parent, raising an independent young man.

In order for my son to reach his potential, I need to sort myself out. I don’t want him to ever go without, but I need him to appreciate that he needs to grow up a little.

You keep saying it is all your fault and you need to fo something. Whst about your dh, surely you are two in this op?

My son is on the year below and I give him enough for 5 supermarket meal deals so 3.50 per day.

I give him a clothing budget that is low enough for it to incentivise him to get a job but high enough to get basics. If he had told me that he needed the list of items that your son demanded, I would have said something like here's £100 - it's up to you how to allocate the money. Bet he decides he doesn't need as many items or that a cheaper brand is acceptable for some things.

I can't believe that you buy treats on demand. I buy treats but it's on my terms, random so not expected at all.

mum can you pick me up some socks for the gym?”,
No, you already have some. Wear them

mum, I need some white Tshirts, muscle ones please”,
No, you already have some. Wear them

mum, can you pick me up a bbq chicken wrap meal and a double cheeseburger”
No, get something out of the fridge/cupboard

”mum, I’ve ran out of lunch money on my card…yeah I know I’ve spent £20 in three days, but I’m bulking”.
Well you'll just have to take a packed lunch for the rest of the week, we'll top you up next week

And it’s not your ’fault’, you’ve done the best you could with the knowledge you have. Which you will keep doing now, when you have this talk with him. That’s parenting!

In my view, while DC are in full time education, that should be their focus and they should be working hard at it. I wouldn’t want to spend a full week at work (which is what DC should be doing at school) to then work all weekend

Yeah right - ‘full time’ is 30 hours a week plus 8 on a Saturday isn’t anywhere near ‘full time’ anything - and it’s all local

My husband was raised by a single mum and had multiple siblings. They were dirt poor. The poorest people I’ve ever met.

From the beginning DH never felt the same inclination to spoil FS as I did and actively tried to tell me not to. I accused him of not understanding due to the way he was raised and proceeded to spoil DS regardless.

Over the years DH has gone from trying to discuss this with me, to saying nothing now. So I do believe I am more to blame.

I’m sure Op does buy him socks. That type of ‘mum can you get me’ isn’t helping him with budgeting.
I’d agree an allowance until end of school yr 13 paid monthly plus gym/phone. Then if he wants something he gets it. It will focus his mind on what he’s blowing money on.
If he likes fast food then a job there could be a win win as they get free food on shift and heavily discounted food when not working. For a teen lad that could be a massive plus.

Where I live they get an allowance from the government, about £200 a month until they 18 (and then about twice as much if they go to uni). Many parents let them keep this money, for entertainment or extra snacks/cinema whatever. And if they want more they have to work.

And if he WANTS (not needs) more than his parents' jobs can run to, then he settles for the basics and some occasional treats; otherwise he does what millions of us did and does a few hours a week in a restaurant kitchen or similar to pay for extras.

And wash up occasionally.