Hey. I have a neighbour who has become a friend. For years now she has asked for milk, tea bags etc,cleaning products, my hoover, ipad, perfume. And it was hard to day no as she would say I'm just gonna use ur perfume that I like if that's OK. Not oh can I use it. But sometimes I quite like it as its like having a little sister but it does get me down sometimes. My ex when lived with me used to get so annoyed. She now has a baby, her partner can't live at our flats for other reasons. But she always has his support...money, hoover, cleaning things, baby clothes, anything she needs she gets it for her. I only have myself to rely on and when I buy a new box of teabags etc I like to make them last but within a couple of weeks all the box is almsot all gone without even realising. My concern is this (I apologise its long)
Before the baby and even since the baby she wanted lifts (she doesn't drive) her partner does but he's not allowed at our block of flats some sort of issue with police I don't know ins and outs. Before the baby she would want to borrow my ipad or tablet, would get stroppy via texts or in person at the very few times I said no. Sometimes she would let me use her tumble dryer but not often. That's all I really asked to use. She would want milk, Tampons, even asks to borrow my perfume and makeup (which I don't mind as I didn't have sisters growing up so it kind of feels sweet)... sometimes I wanna say no but I don't feel I can. She's had a very hard life and without sounding mean I have more than she does (I used to work before my ex which was a terrible relationship which is another issue so I don't work atm) but I did my flat up, have lots of makeup and perfume, not saying it's amazing but I did the best I could with my wages.. anyway she didn't even have a bed until the last year or so so I always felt a bit protective of her as she's younger, but she could be mouthy when drinking but then so could anyone(she wasnt towards me). But since the baby she's alot calmer and doesn't touch drugs or drink now.
But the thing is she's always asking to borrow things 4 teabags then another 4 or 5 couple days later and then my box of teabags is getting low before I know it, washing powder and conditioner which I do give some, milk I said I only had a little left until the morning which I gave to her as I knew I prob wouldn't need it, I gave her 2 toilet rolls when I only had 4 and when I went to hers for a cuppa she had like 7 toilet rolls and said she just likes to top up which upset me as I had less than her to start with, and then there is the lifts. Right now I'm not working so I know it must look like I have spare time on my hands but I have taken her to London for hospital appts twice. Now she asked and I said yes ofc but this was in September just gone and at that point I was like a zombie only just split from my ex riddled in heartache, couldn't even look after myself but I just said yes without even thinking.there were london congestion charges. Her partner gave me the money for this and diesel money but I forgot to pay congestion charges and then days later got really annoyed at the situation as I was so mentally weak my mind was like fog I didn't know what I was doing day to day and she said she felt I was being rude but I said I'm so sorry I didn't want her to think I was annoyed at HER i was more annoyed at myself for not paying it. And I got charged an £80 fine. But I did say yes but also said I'm not sure if I am in the right mind set to drive to London but I didn't wanna let her down.
The thing is she always checked on me, ran me a bath when I couldn't even look after myself, said right we need to get u back to you, she made me dinner and would listen to me going on and on about my ex and the heartache so I feel she's a good friend. But during these weak moments there was alot of oh can u go to the shop for me, can u meet my partner to grab money off him etc
Every day almost she asks me to get things from the shop for her to get baby wipes or baby milk or Toiletries for her, she asks me to meet her partner to give him his washing, or for him to give me the hoover he got for her and other random things. It's only 3 min drive away so I don't want diesel for that as I can't stand pettiness. He picked me up from the train station when I went away a little while ago too.
Sometimes I'm at hers having a coffee in dressing gown about 11pm ready for bed and she says oh can you go meet Liam for me to get this or that and I often say yes. Or she's on the phone to him and while I'm sat there she days to him oh I will send Chrissy to get them bits from you now and im just sat thinkong wtf shes not even asked me then after the phonecall ends she said right i need you to go meet liam for me now please, or I will be in the middle of doing things in my flat and she will say can u go meet Liam please and I say can I go in an hour or so and she says not really he needs sleep he has work in the morning and as I'm not working I feel like a right low life not working (I lost work after my ex and have struggled mentally massively haven't worked for couple years now) so I feel being on benefits I have no right to tell a working man to wait around for me yet at the same time I was in such a state even past 2 months later I'm still only just getting my flat back together as my whole life flipped upside down (there was alot of abuse in my relationship) I have always been so house proud and let my home go so I'm always cleaning and catching up with things.
I went to ireland for 2 weeks where my cousin moved to so I also had that time I wasn't able to sort my home out. So I'm always doing things and my friend back in Sept would say we need to get you back to you the clean and tidy Chrissy who loves driving (I love cars and driving) but now I'm doing stuff AND trying to build myself up mentally she gets offended if I don't knock on her door sometimes which I think comes from a good place but I do like my own space sometimes and hoped she would see I'm just trying to get things back up and running in my life.
Anyway, she asks me to pop out to get her fags or other non important bits and I've started to say no as little trips effect my diesel cost. She asked the other day am I going out I said no and she said OK. Then hour later text saying 'go to the shop' and I said no sorry I'm not going out this eve I need to save my petrol then she text saying OK don't worry about it I've had a shit day as though to say thanks for nothing. Then text me asking for milk and I gave her the last of my milk.
She has had a very hard life so I want to help. But she gets stroppy on the few times I do say no to things. She needed to go to London again to the hospital last week I said I couldn't as my tyre keeps going down and I don't have money to sort it atm and don't wanna make it worse by driving to London and her partner begged me to take her saying he would replace my tyre for me, I said thanks so much but that's too much and my friend also said no way am I gonna let Liam pay that much for your tyre then she said in a sharp tone well I've been waiting for this appt for so long I'm gonna have to cancel it but its really important so now I can't get there in snappy tone which I think she expected me to say don't worry I will do it. I think Liam paid for a cab for her in the end but she didn't speak to me for a day or 2.
Since then I've done a couple loads of washing for her with my detergent etc. I asked to use some of her clothes conditioner couple days later and she said she only had a little left which doesn't make sense because only couple days before she said she had totally run out so if she brought more since then she wouldn't have just a tiny bit left only a couple days later.
Back in Sept I was in a zombie upset state and would go to late night little sainsburys get us both a ready meal, she pays for her obviously, and she would sometimes say can you not go to the shop too late and I would say don't rely on me for food today as I cant guarantee I will be up for going. But one time I went she said to get anything, came back and she said she didn't like the ready meal I got her and said not to worry and I could have it so I did..couple days later she asked to borrow my tablet and order something from ebay then said to me... you can pay for this as I didn't eat that ready meal and it was £4, I was tired, (I was at hers she had just made a coffee and it was about 11pm) so I just did it.
Another time she asked me to fill out a form she needed posted and I said I will do give me 20min then I got side tracked as I spilt something under my washing machine so had to pull it out to clean it then she said she missed the deadline of sending it and that it's my fault she won't get money on time (it was something to do with getting money back from something)
She asked me to meet her bf the next day to collect a rug doctor for her to use, I struggle to sleep which she knows as I cry every night and some days for hours as I feel so alone and heartbroken over ex still but I knocked on her door about 1ish and she snapped saying its too late now as she needed it in the morning to do before the afternoon so it doesn't affect her sons sleep routine so I said I'm so sorry and what if I collected it tonight (it's a 24hr lease) and you can do it first thing tomorrow then and she said no dw about it.
She wanted to go to primark and we don't have one in our town so I said where I go to my dentist they have one so rather than you having to give me diesel money why don't we go the day I have my appt as I've already budgeted for that so that was fine. I had repair men round earlier that day to fix plumbing issues and wanted do on that day i wamted to rescedule my dentist appt as plumbing issues took longer than expected and I said to her could we go next week or if we go today just to primark can u give me diesel money as I can't afford to go to this town twice and she snapped and kind of shouted and said well no i need to go today i need to get some clothes for little man (he already has clothes but i know hes starting to grow out if them so i didnt wanna let her down) and she was reluctant about diesel money. In the end i managed to get to my appt as the plumber took a while and there was lots of traffic but we managed it. Before we left I said I'd not long got my car deep cleaned which cost money and asked her if its OK she didnt eat in my car but she still did and I let it slide. It wasn't until the next day in daylight I saw all her crumbs from her own food and smears all over the window on her side, not even where her little boy was. I thought to myself babies make a mess as lots of his milk is all pver my leather seats and that's natural for babies to make a mess but I couldn't even ask her if she would give me a bit of money towards getting it re cleaned as she has since been giving me a bit of silent treatment as I said iwouldnt get her wipes yesterday when I popped out as I wasn't going to the shop she needed me to go to and I had alot to do but said I would later and she said don't worry about it and closed the door on me. (I knocked on her door to give her a toy that was left on my car seat). Also on the same day the plumber was at mine earlier on before we left for primark she had a Dr's appt and asked if I could take her I said I'd try but then as the plumbers took longer than expected I told her like 2 hours before her appt i coupdnt take her (her doctors is out local doctors surgery so not in another town) and she said really sharply well this is why I needed you to meet Liam last night to get money off him (I had said no the previous night to meet Liam because I had bad period cramps and was exhausted when she asked me to meet him, she asked me to meet him at like almost midnight which sounds crazy but since my breakup I am always up late so I think that's why she feel I won't mind which often I don't bit last couple of weeks I've actually trued to go to bed earlier and I pretty much meet Liam for this or that so many times and he has brought me a chicken burger couple times to say thanks)
It was pouring down with rain and she said well now we have to walk in the rain. I gave her my bank card to take money out for a cab as she's very straight woth money so I trusted her. Anyway after the plumbers finished I picked her up from docs surgery to go to primark and my dentist and she said I didn't use ur card thanks anyway. She said I had to use money I have aside for primark so now I probably won't have enough in a really sharp tone. Then got in my car eating crisps I said jokingly be careful don't get crumbs on my car. So I can't ask her to help me clean it up.
I've looked after her little boy couple times for maybe 5 or 10 min she never expects to babysit or anything but couple times he was crying like when I'm in the drivers seat of my car and she's run into the docs or shop and I tried to calm him down saying mummy will be back soon etc singing to him etc and she got in the car and said omg his face is covered in tears and snot in the kind of tone that was telling me off and I was like I'm so sorry I didn't realise as I had to keep driving while waiting for her to finish her appt as I couldn't park anywhere stationary or I'd get fined as everywhere had yellow lines.
I used her tumble dryer few weeks ago for couple towels as I was playing catch up with my washing after depression and she then said omg my tumble dryer isn't working proeprly since ur towels went in you will have to give me money towards a new one! so i said oh i dont want you to have no tumble dryer im so sorry so i took the towels out. Shes been using it ever since with no repairs done.
I borrowed some toothpaste as I hadn't been shopping which isn't like me as I'm usually so organised but since my split in end of August I've been in such emotional pain.but i gave it back to her i barely used any. I dont ask for anything.
I want her to feel she can ask me for help with things but what upsets me is the very few times I say no she gets snappy or gives me the silent treatment or literally says because of me she can't get the money for example with me not filing that form out on time
I will never forget how much she was there for me when I hadn't showered or eaten for so long and just knocked on my door sayong ive made you dinner. She had been away fpr a few months staying with her brother and didn't come back until early Sept.
The last couple of years before her boy was born I would give her some lifts and let her use my tablet for days as she has no TV and let her use my WiFi but when I would ask for things she would often say no. Occasionally I've borrowed a couple of things but now I won't ever ask to borrow her tumble dryer. She said I broke her front door couple years ago too when I let it slam itself shut when I popped to mine to grab my tablet for her ehich she asked to borrow while i was at hers but the thing is the wall was already damaged by the door and the door frame was already off.
I just don't know how to take this friendship. Sometimes I am generally exhausted particularly emotionally and i don't wanna be going to the shop when I'm not even going for myself. Alot of times I do what she asks then she says I need you to go back out and meet Liam now etc so soemtimes i am going 3 times in one day for her. And I should have just said no but she listened to me go on about my ex so much and been there for me so I don't wanna let her down but its getting too much for me I don't know what to do. I've tried to talk to her about this but she just says we'll im shocked you're saying that tbh with her eyebrows raised saying that I'm just being rude
She has her partner to support her I only have myself yet she will ask for toilet rolls or something when all along she had more than I had before I even gave her any just so she can stock up. Which i think she likes to stock up as she doesnt drive so its hard to carry so much with a buggy but she obviously managed while I was away in Ireland. I could be sitting at hers thinking this is nice having a girlie chat watching TV and then she asks me to go out to the shop or something. Most of the time if I say no she raises her eyebrows and says ok well im gonna go to bed before ive even finisged my tea she made me.
She did say sometimes I push her away which maybe I do as she knocks on my door at like 1pm but because I've maybe not gone to sleep until 7am after being up all night crying I'm still asleep which makes me feel bad.
If I ever say no to something which I rarely do but I've said no twice to things now in last couple of days I hear nothing from her, she snaps at me. Honestly I've picked up Liams washing from his to give to her to wash, dropped it back to him (one time I didn't drop it back to him and she said yeah well i had to carry the washing basket which was really heavy, again with her eyebrows raised in a snappy tone), I go to him to give him her old TV her can use (he brought her a new one) and I get back home and she says right I need you to go back to him as I forgot to give him the aerial, i have met him to pick up new toys etc he got for their little boy which I honestly don't mind, I meet him to collect money like £100 each time to give back to her so she can buy what she wants which makes me sad as it makes me realise I have no one looking out for me which isn't their fault (I don't mean financially, just generally I'm very alone), I have gone out to meet him to get money off him to buy her cigarettes, Idont smoke myself so I don't know how much it costs. All of this wouldn't even cross my mind if the very few times I said no she just said oh OK no worries and we carry on chatting away. She literally kind of chucks me out her house when I say no sometimes and I rarely say no. Sometimes I just want to bath and curl up in bed watching something without being told I have to go out at midnight to meet Liam or something.
He has actually said to me oh u don't actually have to do anything for us we early appreciate it when I said sorry as I got to him an hour later than I said I could get there. And hes had a long chat eith me about my ex as he knew him and said I need to be strong etc. So I do feel they are my friends but its not so much Liam, it's more my friend that gets annoyed at me if I dont go to the shop or something. She doesn't grasp these little trips add up on my diesel,or that the back seat mess and spilt milk is upsetting as i only recently got a proper deep xar clean which i saved up for, even walking round primark she had the buggy and would dump each item of clothing on me to carry while I followed her around which tbf she couldn't put it all on the buggy but for some reason that bit made me feel shit. She's not a stuck up girl,shes like me, housing association. But I see her as a friend but I feel maybe she sees me as an errands girl??!
What do I do??