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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to communicate with my Step sons mother

112 replies

AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 15:02

There is a such a huge backstory to this but I can't give away too much as I don't want to be identified.

There have been multiple court cases throughout the years, the mum withholding contact of DSS etc. There have been allegations made on both sides.

The last court hearing stated that both parents need to change. DH really took this on board and has focused on his own behaviours and trying not to retaliate etc. he has been doing really well. Communication between him and his ex has been very friendly.

His ex and myself would usually communicate instead of DH as she felt more comfortable talking to me. We would have a laugh and it was friendly conversations.

Then, out of the blue she is suddenly making false allegations against DH and me. This has made me not want to communicate with her anymore as I thought we had moved beyond that. It's undone everything we have all been working towards over the last few months.

My dilemma is, do I stop communicating with her and my DH revert back to just communicating by email or would that look like a retaliation and being petty? I am very cautious and I don't feel comfortable talking to her anymore as everything that we have said has been twisted and embellished.

OP posts:
Pantst · 27/11/2022 15:06

I would only communicate through text or email, things you can keep a record of.

In terms of who communicates with her, you or him, i would do whatever is likely to achieve the best outcome for your stepson.

Does it concern you that she isn't comfortable talking to him?

Original poster
AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 15:11

Pantst · 27/11/2022 15:06

I would only communicate through text or email, things you can keep a record of.

In terms of who communicates with her, you or him, i would do whatever is likely to achieve the best outcome for your stepson.

Does it concern you that she isn't comfortable talking to him?

I totally agree with you regards it all being in writing. It's a shame though because they had really moved forward and had started chatting about their son in the playground and phoning each other if something needed to be discussed.

It doesn't really concern me that she wants to talk to me. I'm guessing because im more chatty than my DH, as women are lol. She is fine talking to him at school and she will phone him herself if needed.

She has just started making allegations again that DH has been aggressive in certain settings (where she was not present herself and just relied on someone else telling her - which was told to her untruthfully).

If I was to stop texting her, would I inform her of that? I don't want to cause problems or make the court think we are being petty but I feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Pantst · 27/11/2022 15:14

If you were to stop, i wouldn't announce it, no. I'd just tell DH each time she messages and let him message back.

Original poster
AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 15:18

Pantst · 27/11/2022 15:14

If you were to stop, i wouldn't announce it, no. I'd just tell DH each time she messages and let him message back.

Thank you, I will do this. Does changing our behaviour in reaction to what she has said make us look like we are retaliating though?

OP posts:
Pantst · 27/11/2022 15:22

I suppose she could take it as retaliation if she's that way inclined, which it sounds like she is. But if it's a reasonable step as she's made you u comfortable then you really have no obligation to speak to her. If she asks, DH can tell her that he thought it was best all communication came through him from now on.

aSofaNearYou · 27/11/2022 15:22

I can't see how it could be seen as retaliation as long as you are still responsive to the emails.

Original poster
AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 15:27

Thank you both of you. I'm just worried anything we say will be used against us considering how she has done a U Turn. She is blaming DH for everything and the judge said he wanted that to stop from both parents.

Would you suggest sending any form of email to outline the communication arrangements or would you just do it as in, she texts me and then DH sends an email? What do you think if I actually blocked her or is that going too far?

OP posts:
Pantst · 27/11/2022 15:33

Providing you behave in a way the court would deem reasonable then even if she tried to use it against you she couldn't really.

I wouldn't block, in case you miss something important.

Honestly i wouldn't set out new communication arrangements, it could antagonise her. Make sure you respond to her, in a way that you are comfortable way. Don't give her the opportunity to say you're retaliating in a negative way.

Original poster
AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 15:45

Pantst · 27/11/2022 15:33

Providing you behave in a way the court would deem reasonable then even if she tried to use it against you she couldn't really.

I wouldn't block, in case you miss something important.

Honestly i wouldn't set out new communication arrangements, it could antagonise her. Make sure you respond to her, in a way that you are comfortable way. Don't give her the opportunity to say you're retaliating in a negative way.

That's the thing, I don't know what the court would deem reasonable. Things I think are reasonable may not look so. Your comment has stuck with me though about there being no obligation for me to talk to her, I just didn't want to make things worse for DH. The court already looks negatively on him

OP posts:
chikp · 27/11/2022 15:49

Why would you want to talk to her? You don't have to. It's not your responsibility.

chikp · 27/11/2022 15:49

I'm assuming the court order is between them though? Or are you named?

Original poster
AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 15:50

chikp · 27/11/2022 15:49

Why would you want to talk to her? You don't have to. It's not your responsibility.

I don't anymore, I just did it for them both really. She was more comfortable talking to me and DH didn't want to communicate directly with her as she can be abusive (history of dv between them).

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 15:51

chikp · 27/11/2022 15:49

I'm assuming the court order is between them though? Or are you named?

No I'm not named on the order. I just do a lot to support DH and it always made his ex feel more comfortable

OP posts:
Pantst · 27/11/2022 15:52

I'll caveat this by saying i am a people pleaser who is too soft. But whilst i think the advice I've given is correct, in reality i would continue speaking with her, albeit perhaps messaging rather than chatting, as i would want my DH to look as accommodating as possible to the court, if they already look negatively on him. I would do anything i could to make him look better and help him get the outcome he is looking for. But that's just me, and I'm aware I'd be going well over and above what I could and should be doing.

Newwardrobe · 27/11/2022 15:53

I would grit my teeth and carry on speaking to her, remain polite and friendly and not rise to any nastiness. Easier said than done I know.

girlmom21 · 27/11/2022 15:54

I would completely ignore what she said because whatever she's heard is just Chinese whispers. She might be angry about a lie someone else has told her about DH.

None of this is about him, you or her. All of you should be doing what's best by DSS.

Original poster
AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 15:54

Pantst · 27/11/2022 15:52

I'll caveat this by saying i am a people pleaser who is too soft. But whilst i think the advice I've given is correct, in reality i would continue speaking with her, albeit perhaps messaging rather than chatting, as i would want my DH to look as accommodating as possible to the court, if they already look negatively on him. I would do anything i could to make him look better and help him get the outcome he is looking for. But that's just me, and I'm aware I'd be going well over and above what I could and should be doing.

I'm exactly the same as you, I always worry about how things will look to other people etc. Thats it, I don't want to look like I'm being difficult but at the same time I'm not comfortable. Our previous conversations were quite chatty but maybe it needs to be more direct now, no small talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 15:56

girlmom21 · 27/11/2022 15:54

I would completely ignore what she said because whatever she's heard is just Chinese whispers. She might be angry about a lie someone else has told her about DH.

None of this is about him, you or her. All of you should be doing what's best by DSS.

You are absolutely right but I don't know what's best for him. Maybe not changing anything would be the best way forward, act as if nothing has been said then we can't be accused of anything.

Ex was definitely accusing DH and believing what she was told. I can't state what was said as it's a court document but there's no doubt that she believes what she has been told.

OP posts:
Feef83 · 27/11/2022 15:58

The last court hearing stated that both parents need to change. DH really took this on board and has focused on his own behaviours and trying not to retaliate etc.

what were you DH’s behaviours that needed to change?

Original poster
AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 15:59

Feef83 · 27/11/2022 15:58

The last court hearing stated that both parents need to change. DH really took this on board and has focused on his own behaviours and trying not to retaliate etc.

what were you DH’s behaviours that needed to change?

It was the allegations and being critical of his ex. Placing their son in the middle of parental conflict. The mum has done the same too. Both been told off by Judge.

OP posts:
chikp · 27/11/2022 16:00

I'd just go back to email them. No need to be friendly. Just be civil.

Feef83 · 27/11/2022 16:03

Without knowing the allegations and your ex - I feel uncomfortable commenting when I think about it.

so I’ll duck out

Feef83 · 27/11/2022 16:04

AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 15:59

It was the allegations and being critical of his ex. Placing their son in the middle of parental conflict. The mum has done the same too. Both been told off by Judge.

Show quote history

So he made allegations too?

what a shit show

Original poster
AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 16:05

Feef83 · 27/11/2022 16:03

Without knowing the allegations and your ex - I feel uncomfortable commenting when I think about it.

so I’ll duck out

The allegations were based upon what his son was telling him about what happens at his mothers home and DH was very worried. I can't really elaborate as it will be outing.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousStepparent · 27/11/2022 16:08

I didn't really explain that very well. The allegation he made based upon what his son disclosed to him were made over a year ago. Both parents had moved forward and made positive steps with each other and things have been good for a few months. DSS mum has now gone back to making allegations but we don't want to go down that route as we don't want to go there again.

OP posts: