To not want to communicate with my Step sons mother

[AnxiousStepparent]

There is a such a huge backstory to this but I can't give away too much as I don't want to be identified.

There have been multiple court cases throughout the years, the mum withholding contact of DSS etc. There have been allegations made on both sides.

The last court hearing stated that both parents need to change. DH really took this on board and has focused on his own behaviours and trying not to retaliate etc. he has been doing really well. Communication between him and his ex has been very friendly.

His ex and myself would usually communicate instead of DH as she felt more comfortable talking to me. We would have a laugh and it was friendly conversations.

Then, out of the blue she is suddenly making false allegations against DH and me. This has made me not want to communicate with her anymore as I thought we had moved beyond that. It's undone everything we have all been working towards over the last few months.

My dilemma is, do I stop communicating with her and my DH revert back to just communicating by email or would that look like a retaliation and being petty? I am very cautious and I don't feel comfortable talking to her anymore as everything that we have said has been twisted and embellished.

OP last time I checked unless you have legal guardianship of your SS you don't have to communicate with his parent you are not in a relationship with.

Therefore quietly duck out and leave all communication to your OH.

If your OH has sense due to the unfounded allegations both him and his ex make about each other, then all communication between them will be in writing.

Why? I do appreciate your advice.

I don't have any form of guardianship or parental responsibility over DSS so I think I will do what you suggested and quietly duck out. And it is a very good idea for everything to be in writing so they are maybe best not speaking on the phone anymore.

Too depressing

Will hide thread now

I have given no advice

Ok my apologies.

Can't they see the damage they're doing to their son ?

Yes that is why DH has made some serious changes. I'm concerned that the mum is going back to the allegations though.

Have you considered using a parenting app for communication? Some record / time stamp conversations so there is a proper record. Our family wizards also has a tone meter to help you keep the tone of the message low conflict. Anyhow, its worth considering

OP your husband can only control himself.

He needs to not respond to his ex's allegations or any other communication which is not a direct question about his child.

If he isn't sure he should reply then he shouldn't reply.

At this stage with all of these allegations and court cases, you should only be using a parenting app, which would have been recommended during your court process.

This is a non question. All communication regarding your DSS should be about him, through a formal platform. There can't be any he said she said in this instance. You're making it hard for yourself and easier for the allegations.

We currently use an app and it does time stamp everything etc and they can't be deleted. We have also used emails too. So you would recommend not to talk in person or on the phone?

Oh and both of you should know you can't control other people.

If your DH ex continues to bring up old allegations and repeats them to third parties like their child's school, particularly when it's a secondary school, the third parties will ensure they don't see your DH and his ex together.

We have also used emails too. So you would recommend not to talk in person or on the phone?

Nearly every single poster is saying they should limit communication to writing and you shouldn't get involved.

It's difficult though as the ex involves me and makes allegations about me too so I get dragged into it.

Who is she making allegations to this time? And who did she hear them from?
Is your dss getting any form of support from anyone that isn't closely connected to either your dh or his mum?

It is within a court statement. Everything was going really well and positive but she is now trying to get DHs contact supervised and reduced. Someone on DH parenting course breached confidentially and went back and told her stuff he had said, but this person did not report it correctly and made up false allegations which ex has believed.

I don't think DSS is getting support in the form of a therapist or anything. There is a Guardian through the court and social care are involved. DH tried to get him referred to CAHMS but this was used against him unfortunately.

Was this a member of staff or another parent? Did your husband report the breach?

@Newwardrobe it was another parent who it would appear knows his ex. Not reported it yet but he will be speaking to staff when he next goes.

So your dh was on a parenting course, made some disclosures and another parent there told your dss mum? She was so worried about what she was told that she has gone back to court to ask for the contact to be supervised and reduced?
This is on the back of a good working relationship between the 2 seeming to have been built up?
Are you not concerned at all about what these things were?
So far you've said your dss is lying, his mum is lying and now another parent at a parenting group is lying.......all about some kind of behaviours that you won't tell us from your dh. Are your really sure that this mum is not just trying to protect her child?

Ok DH was accused of raising the subject of experiencing abuse from his ex during their relationship. This was based upon the course instructor asking everyone to share their experiences. Numerous people said similar and worse. What has been reported back to ex did not happen otherwise the course providers would have kicked him off the course or called the police.

DSS has told lies and has admittted as much to various professionals.

Let her make her allegations against you.

In your case just don't communicate with her at all.

In your DH case he should only respond to clear questions about his child in writing. Any allegations in her messages should be ignored and not responded to.

So basically the mum wants supervised because DH talked about what he experienced with her and she said he was aggressive to the woman and scared her. Course staff would not have tolerated that and there were numerous other people present.

You're getting dragged into it,and read this carefully...

Because you're allowing yourself to.

Stop feeding the fire.

So yet again she is making unfounded allegations and your DH is responding?

Your DH should simply ignore his ex and do nothing. His ex can't call the other parent up as a witness.

Due to their history the judge can see through them both, and by responsing your DH is making things worse for himself.