To not want to communicate with my Step sons mother

[AnxiousStepparent]

There is a such a huge backstory to this but I can't give away too much as I don't want to be identified.

There have been multiple court cases throughout the years, the mum withholding contact of DSS etc. There have been allegations made on both sides.

The last court hearing stated that both parents need to change. DH really took this on board and has focused on his own behaviours and trying not to retaliate etc. he has been doing really well. Communication between him and his ex has been very friendly.

His ex and myself would usually communicate instead of DH as she felt more comfortable talking to me. We would have a laugh and it was friendly conversations.

Then, out of the blue she is suddenly making false allegations against DH and me. This has made me not want to communicate with her anymore as I thought we had moved beyond that. It's undone everything we have all been working towards over the last few months.

My dilemma is, do I stop communicating with her and my DH revert back to just communicating by email or would that look like a retaliation and being petty? I am very cautious and I don't feel comfortable talking to her anymore as everything that we have said has been twisted and embellished.

@RedWingBoots oh he's not responded to it. We don't want to go down the route of retaliating or becoming hostile etc.

There is no way a court is going to find it ‘retaliatory’ if contact is kept between ex and your DH. They will have no issues keeping out of it.

After ex’s accusations against you, she has lost the right to have friendly chats with you.

*They will have no issues with you keeping out of it.

oh he's not responded to it.

Then what's the issue?

You stop communicating with her due to her making allegations against you.

Your DH only communicates with her about their child by writing. When in doubt he does not write anything to her.

If she continues to make unfounded allegations, kick off and try to draw other people into it then all involved third parties will see that she is the issue.

I just didn't want it to come across like we were retaliating and being spiteful by limiting contact. That was my worry. I didn't want DH to look like they were doing 'tit for tat' behaviour.

By not communicating with her at all in your case, and only when absolutely necessary in your DH case you aren't retaliating.

You are both allowing her to get on with her life knowing she will not receive excess unwanted messages from her child's father.

You are nothing to her so there is no legal reason for you two to communicate with one another.

Thank you, I feel a bit better now. I will just back off a bit and not engage in general chit chat.

She just messaged me letting us know that DSS was feeling better and will be back at school. I passed it onto DH and he said to thank her for letting him know.

Don't respond. She can message DH if she needs confirmation.

If possible I would suggest you all sit down together to discuss what is happening. Clear the air so to speak. Point out that if there is am issue it needs discussing else if things continue to be twisted you will resort back to written communication only.

This had already been agreed to attempt to avoid any misunderstandings. We had no idea she felt this way as she was nice and positive to us and then totally different behind our backs. She reneged on the agreement unfortunately

This - definitely. Rise above it all, don't get into conversations about your DH - just your DSS. If she tries, make it politely clear you don't want to talk about DH. I think this approach will have best outcome for his son.

This isn't hard, ONLY communicate through the app you have been told to use.
Don't get into any why's and just use the bloody app.

Reply to her message on the app.

Everything she communication reply through the app, no matter what for of communication she sends.

If she calls don't answer, ask her on the app (politely) what she wanted. Don't call her back, just use the app.

Leave all communication to your DH. You do not need to get involved. They are both adults and at one point even jade intimate relations, I'm sure they can cope with speaking to each other, through the app, only talking about things directly about their son, without you needing to hold anyone's hand or 'make it easier'.

Omg the typos!

*everything she communicates

*no matter what form

*at one point even had

🙄🙄

I don't see how a court can possibly be bothered about you not responding to her messages when she should and can communicate with the father.

DH hasn't been told to use any specific form of communication. The ex suggested this app. It initially started with me communicating on DHs behalf because her DH was doing all her communication. DH didn't particularly want to talk to him about his own child so us stepparents basically acted as mediators.

Agree with @RedWingBoots

Take a massive step back from this super.high.conflict mess. There is no need for the ex to contact you and no need to tell her you’re stopping contact. Step back, keep supporting DSS when he’s with you. Tune her out.

I will probably be further accused of not working with her and causing hostility between her and DH. I've had all sorts thrown at me accusation wise. But I'm not going to communicate anymore, DH can do it. If she doesn't like him messaging her instead of me, there's not much I can really do about that.

Thank you, I will definitely be doing this.

She’s already made accusations about you. Forget what she wants or expects.

Your DH needs to handle it all.

Try to see things from her point of view.

She hasn't made false allegations, she's been told false allegations and believed them (as parents should when it's coming from their child and another witness).

Until this point she was making chit chat and being friendly. This isn't a situation she's engineered to spite you, it's an unfortunate situation that you, your partner and her have all ended up in.

The best way forwards is looking like you're being mature and able to put the kids first, not looking like you can't handle speaking to her because she found something out, which is how it will look if you now limit contact after her being told this.

@IceReckon She has said more than the course thing. She's said DH hasn't changed, that he's been aggressive, said he's said certain things in the social care meetings even though she was not present, said he focuses on himself and not their son, said he plays the victim. All this can be refuted as the communication between us all shows this is not the case.

You can all just be adults and just not react, right? It's a choice to react and it looks like DSS has become a disturbed victim from all that aggressive negativity, so you need to stop from your end. If she really thinks you did things she can go back to the judge but you can just refuse to discuss it.

Be the adult, don't try to be right all the time, she doesn't have to agree with you or believe you, do what's best for the boy.

@DuchessofSandwich definitely not going to react at all. When I said refute it, I meant to the court otherwise if the judge believes her then DH will lose his contact with DSS.

If she complains you refuse to communicate with her after she has sent you messages containing false allegations and threats, she is the one that will look unhinged.(Just keep a copy of her messages with sender information and the date stamp.)

She may also be warned if she continues to message you she would be harassing you and other action can be taken against her.