Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister charging me?

303 replies

Arewerrallydoingthisnow · 26/11/2022 22:37

I genuinely can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable. We have v little cash at the moment - nursery fees, mortgage increases, I’m working 2 jobs, kids at state schools etc - much like a lot of the population. Sister does not work. Her husbands family are RICH. So in fact not only does she not work, but he doesn’t either. They live off family money, have 2 kids in private school (paid for), a big house mortgage free, and expenses / cars etc paid for by family money.
i have been trying to sort some stuff in my house on a shoestring recently and after having redecorated our living room myself in evenings between kids and jobs etc I asked if she would have any time to bring over her carpet cleaner and help me move everything back as husband at work during days. She said yes great - came and helped and cleaned the carpets for us with her machine and spent some hours helping me sort everything out again. Note again neither she nor her husband work and both kids in school during the day. I was very grateful and asked her husband what she liked at the moment to buy her a gift to say thank you. To cut a long story short she then called and said she would invoice me for hours she’d spent helping and that when she got help in it was around £15/hr so she thought that was reasonable.
i was shocked as I cannot afford that for a start and would never ever have asked if I knew it came with a cost attached, but moreover I’m devastated about the reflection on our relationship that help is boiled down to a transactional cost. And with no prior warning at all. Aibu? Should I expect to pay?

OP posts:
orbitalcrisis · 27/11/2022 07:50

You should have paid her £10/hour, for £15 you could have got a professional who would have done it in half the time!

Suffrajitsu · 27/11/2022 07:52

If she asks you for any help at all in future, make sure you charge at £20 per hour.

FormerlySpeckledyHen · 27/11/2022 07:52

Does she have form for this type of thing?

FairyBatman · 27/11/2022 07:55

I can't believe you paid her, I definitely would have to say something.

I'd probably text her and say I've transferred you the money, but I can't believe that you see our relationship as purely transactional. If you are going to charge for being family please make it clear upfront in future. I am so hurt and disappointed in you.

mrsbitaly · 27/11/2022 07:55

Do you ever babysit her children? I hope you do so you can charge her for your time. But seriously I would be disappointed too and think it's really appalling a family member would invoice you without saying in advance what her charges are upfront.

MrsJephson · 27/11/2022 07:56

You asked your sister to save money and she took longer and charged more than a professional company. You also provided lunch. This is so sad and very unreasonable of her. I like some of the responses asking her if things are okay financially.

Did you help with the work? Was she upset that she did it alone while you watched and she isn't used to feeling like 'staff'?

Changechangychange · 27/11/2022 07:57

Does the tax office know she is working cash in hand? I’d be tempted to tell them…. What a massive bitch your sister is.

Charlize43 · 27/11/2022 08:14

Your sister is a b**ch.

daisychain01 · 27/11/2022 08:20

lightisnotwhite · 27/11/2022 07:21

@daisychain01 “Had the OP said to her sister "we're really hard up for money, would you be able to bring your carpet cleaner over and help with the carpet - sorry I've got no money I'm afraid but I'll make you a nice meal to pay for your time" it would have given the sister the opportunity to either accept or decline. Instead the OP just expected it to happen because the sister is loaded. It isn't about the money it's the way people communicate and based on what I read on here peoples relationship issues are 99% due to poor expectations set and not being honest.”

Equally the sister should have said something when the Op wanted help. That’s the way that makes more sense; Op asks, sister says what she expects in return.
The sister only got payment because the Op asked what she could get her. The poor communication was entirely down to the sister being grabby not the Op.

Often with these kind of extreme situations, I'd want to hear it from the other side, we're getting one perspective only and not the sister's side of the story. It's so easy to make the sister the villain of the piece.

I question if the sister is awash with money and she and the OP have always been close, what might lead her to doing the cleaning of her own volition and then slapping an invoice on the OP when she's poor as a church mouse. Totally weird. But I don't have the answer, I am just not so convinced it's that straight forward.

Lookout3 · 27/11/2022 08:23

@daisychain01 you have a point it's the invoice for me, who actually invoices anybody? Also this is MN and you never will know both sides I guess

Beautiful3 · 27/11/2022 08:23

I wouldn't give her anything now. How horrible. You don't charge close family, you help each other out. You should have said that you cannot afford that, and that you planned on buying her a nice bottle of alcohol. If you hadn't called, would she have invoiced you afterwards?! Your sister and her husband sound horrible and grabby. I would never ask for anything again.

avocadotofu · 27/11/2022 08:26

Wow your sister is absolutely unreasonable. I'd never charge either of my sister for helping with ANYTHING!! She sounds pretty unkind especially as you're struggling.

Marigoldandivy · 27/11/2022 08:26

if I were you, she would be an ex-sister.

BEAM123 · 27/11/2022 08:27

Arewerrallydoingthisnow · 26/11/2022 22:53

I said I’m sorry what? To which she said she thought it wasn’t unreasonable to expect payment seeing as she’d given up the best part of a day.

And in answer to someone else’s point - no I didn’t stand over her at all! In fact I didn’t even check a single thing she’d done as obviously in my mind I was getting a huge favour saving me money and anything was better than nothing!

In that case she is absolutely, unbelievably unreasonable and maybe you should counter invoice for every cup of tea she drank...

I am so sorry this has happened to you.....

Branleuse · 27/11/2022 08:27

Tell her JFC youre my sister. I thought we had a great time and you were helping me out. I had no idea you resented it and saw it as me employing you. Please tell me youre actually kidding me. I was going to get you some treats to say thankyou but was not expecting an invoice. Jeez

pinkfondu · 27/11/2022 08:31

I think it will have defo come from her husband. What a terrible shame for your relationship

Has2sons · 27/11/2022 08:35

This is shocking and I’d be so upset if my sister or a friend sprang this on me (before or after the event) It would change the relationship forever.

When you transferred the money in the reference/reason box you could have put “payment for favour”!

Earlymorningbake · 27/11/2022 08:41

You paid £105 to learn a hard lesson. I used to watch my sisters kids for around 10 hours a week (for years). I didn't charge a penny. When I asked her one time to wait in my house for a delivery she took a bag of shopping from my fridge/cupboards in lieu of payment. (I kid you not). It made absolute sense in her head - she just took a carrier bag and "shopped" in my kitchen.

Some people just don't give a fuck - and I know it is different to your situation but the bitter taste is probably similar! It is horrible when you realise the relationship is transactional in any way that you benefit from it. And after that I stopped watching her kids soon after which meant I lost out as well, because I enjoyed it - I just didn't have the stomach for it anymore (Not the worst thing she did - but that is absolutely identifiable).

BEAM123 · 27/11/2022 08:43

FurAndFeathers · 27/11/2022 06:19

Your upset is totally reasonable @Arewerrallydoingthisnow
your sister has duped you.
I realise that you’ve paid, but I also think you should Send her a message. Something along the lines of:

”I’ve transferred the money to pay for your ‘services’. I hadn’t actually realised when I asked my sister for a favour that you were planning to charge me. If I’d known this, I’d probably have just hired a machine myself or managed without, as paying this unexpected bill to you, has put us in a tight spot - money is very limited for us at the moment. Mostly though, I’m sad that our relationship is so transactional - it genuinely wouldn’t have occurred to me to charge you for a favour, so this has been a bit of a shock. I’m going to focus on relationships of mutual affection and helpfulness so will be taking a step back from contacting you. Take care”

Yes, this. And let her know you took the money out of savings for Xmas / carpet for DC's room / next month's petrol etc. but you did it because you never again want to be in the situation where you feel she has held something over you. Charge her for the lunch she had.

The whole thing is crazy, you cannot charge people after the fact, you did not get offered a contract and the choice to accept or decline.

You could have hired a rug doctor for £28 for 24 hours and she took that option away from you by not being upfront.

I am so sorry

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 27/11/2022 08:43

Give her a bottle of plonk and say thanks for the help

Bottle of Vax carpet shampoo to replace hers ..

BananaCocktails · 27/11/2022 08:45

Tell her to fuck off - yes actually say it
tell her That you never agreed to pay her for helping you and to ask you-her sister To pay her for helping you is actually disgusting
Mention that everything is a struggle at the moment unlike for her and she knows this .
I can’t believe a woman didn’t do anything in life to earn her now privelidged position Would come out with this shit and tell her that too .

butterpuffed · 27/11/2022 08:45

Charge her for the lunch you made for her .

WestendVBroadway · 27/11/2022 08:54

I hope she will understand when no Christmas presents are forthcoming for her and hubby . "Sorry DSis, I spent what I had budgeted for you, on a cleaner "!

HortensiaBlogs · 27/11/2022 08:57

How much do you normally spend on them for Christmas? I would be buying extremely cheap gifts for them this year to recoup my losses.

daisychain01 · 27/11/2022 08:59

Lookout3 · 27/11/2022 08:23

@daisychain01 you have a point it's the invoice for me, who actually invoices anybody? Also this is MN and you never will know both sides I guess

Exactly, who actually invoice a family member. Bonkers!

Honest to God, if my sister did that to me, I'd be taking the piss out of her for being so daft.