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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister charging me?

303 replies

Arewerrallydoingthisnow · 26/11/2022 22:37

I genuinely can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable. We have v little cash at the moment - nursery fees, mortgage increases, I’m working 2 jobs, kids at state schools etc - much like a lot of the population. Sister does not work. Her husbands family are RICH. So in fact not only does she not work, but he doesn’t either. They live off family money, have 2 kids in private school (paid for), a big house mortgage free, and expenses / cars etc paid for by family money.
i have been trying to sort some stuff in my house on a shoestring recently and after having redecorated our living room myself in evenings between kids and jobs etc I asked if she would have any time to bring over her carpet cleaner and help me move everything back as husband at work during days. She said yes great - came and helped and cleaned the carpets for us with her machine and spent some hours helping me sort everything out again. Note again neither she nor her husband work and both kids in school during the day. I was very grateful and asked her husband what she liked at the moment to buy her a gift to say thank you. To cut a long story short she then called and said she would invoice me for hours she’d spent helping and that when she got help in it was around £15/hr so she thought that was reasonable.
i was shocked as I cannot afford that for a start and would never ever have asked if I knew it came with a cost attached, but moreover I’m devastated about the reflection on our relationship that help is boiled down to a transactional cost. And with no prior warning at all. Aibu? Should I expect to pay?

OP posts:
Toomanysleepycats · 27/11/2022 11:37

A few years ago my single brother asked for help cleaning before a move out.

I took my steam cleaner and carpet washer and spent about six hours working really hard. I was totally exhausted by the time I got home.

I did not charge him. It never crossed my mind to think he owed me anything other than a thankyou.

I was just pleased that when he moved out the LL said it was cleaner than when he had moved in, and they hadn’t noticed that my heavy duty steam cleaner had sandblasted some of the paint of the skirtings boards!

MinnieGirl · 27/11/2022 11:40

You’ve paid her, so there is no perceived debt in her side…..
But I would be heartbroken, especially if you usually get on fine.
I would leave it for a week, and then send her a message. Some thing in the lines of:
I am so upset and heartbroken that my own sister would choose to invoice me when I asked for a hand. Knowing we are on the breadline. Knowing we could not afford to hire a machine never mind pay out for services. Yet you chose to ignore that and ask for payment. You are my sister. I will always love you, but due to your greed our relationship will never be the same. Please take some time to reflect on the consequences of your greedy actions, and also know that we will be eating less this week as we had to pay you for your “services”.

AllyCatTown · 27/11/2022 11:41

That’s mad to have paid but I sort of get your reasoning. How do you see the relationship going forward?

daisychain01 · 27/11/2022 11:44

I will always love you, but due to your greed our relationship will never be the same. Please take some time to reflect on the consequences of your greedy actions, and also know that we will be eating less this week as we had to pay you for your “services”.

Good grief, you're honestly suggesting the OP sends that load of histrionic drama-llama nonsense. Unbelievable!**

AllyCatTown · 27/11/2022 11:44

If the relationship is totally over I’d look at the job done by her and assess it as you would paid services. If she’s not done anything correctly then complain like you would if you hired someone.

RFPO77 · 27/11/2022 11:46

She's a cheeky fucker I wouldn't pay. Am shocked she could do that to you. Anyway £15 is for a professional cleaner which your sister is not so why does she think she should charge that. You could have got a cleaning company in for what she wants to charge 🙄 xx

Craver · 27/11/2022 11:47

A phone call to the inland revenue to check if she has declared earnings on her tax return?

BlackberryCat · 27/11/2022 11:47

My mum would say this is why the rich are rich.

I would probably just do the same as you have done, paid and said nothing. They probably think they are absolutely in the right.

They are arseholes though. I wouldn't do them any favours going forward. Get them a crappy Christmas present too.

xJ0y · 27/11/2022 11:50

Yeh, this is why the rich are rich. They begin to think that everybody is trying to fleece them

(Not all rich people!)

ginghamstarfish · 27/11/2022 11:51

Sounds like my sister. We are now NC and my life is better for it.
So you have paid her. Well that would be the end of the relationship for me. Up to you of course but how can you continue to have her in your life? She clearly has no empathy, no consideration, no human feelings.

Mylittlesandwich · 27/11/2022 11:52

I'm so sorry OP. Neither me nor my sister are well off and to do something like that neither of us would dream of charging the other. If she'd driven to me or something I would offer her petrol money but from experience she wouldn't take it.

RoyKeaneisRight · 27/11/2022 11:58

That's so shit OP, I don't think I could forgive my sister if she did that to me.

MarrymeKeanu · 27/11/2022 12:04

Wow! I would tell her you to though you were asking your sister for help, not ‘hiring help’. And I would say “I’m sorry I can’t afford to pay you and I will never ask you for your help again”.

Ittybittytittycomittee · 27/11/2022 12:04

xJ0y · 27/11/2022 11:50

Yeh, this is why the rich are rich. They begin to think that everybody is trying to fleece them

(Not all rich people!)

this 👆🏻

Fizzywaterbubbles · 27/11/2022 12:19

It was a full day!! So about £105!! She was here for the full day to be fair - but we had lunch etc as part of that!

Firstly, its ridiculous that you paid this, Ive never heard anything so nonsensical. Secondly, two can play at that game- invoice her for the lunch you provided and the heating she benefited from whilst being in your house. Going forward, I'd be petty AF and invoice her for every phonecall, text, time spent on her etc. She cant complain can she?- she started it.

parlourb · 27/11/2022 12:23

NeedAHoliday2021 · 26/11/2022 23:17

“I had no idea you clean as a profession… I thought you were helping me out in the normal way family would. If I could afford to hire help I wouldn’t have been doing it myself and your suggestion of charging me is bizarre. Is money a bit tight for you? I had no idea.”

This is perfect

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 27/11/2022 12:24

I would never have paid that, and I would also have used it as an opportunity to ask her what's going on, as it is entirely unreasonable on her part.
Something like

Hey Sis, Im sure you are aware that if I had intended to hire someone to help me I would have been very clear about that upfront. And we both know that discussion was not had. I have transferred the money anyway, but I am worried about you, is everything ok, why do you need money? I am here to help you if you need it, please just talk to me, there is no need for these strange games, if you need money lets talk about what's going on, and what I can do to help.

Perthsmurf · 27/11/2022 12:25

This is awful, OP. I would be hurt too.

Possibly worth a conversation about the reality of money and the value of family. Contrary to how it may seem, money comes and money goes. It’s really not a given that they will always be wealthy. Money aside, life can throw bad stuff in the way of anyone. People get sick, injured etc.

In other words, one day your sister may need you. It’s how family is meant to work- you’re there for each other in good times and bad. And you’re definitely not meant to bill them!

I think you need to have a frank discussion x

Jaxinthebox · 27/11/2022 12:41

I would not have paid - but I would be having a serious conversation about our sisterly relationship! This is bonkers behaviour.

Janbohonut · 27/11/2022 12:42

Do you help her out? Or is there an unspoken thing that she's rich and therefore gets nothing from you? The fact that you are keeping such a close eye on her finances makes me think there's a bit of history here.

amonsteronthehill · 27/11/2022 12:44

I'd be very clear that you will not be able to view her the same way going forward. She's your sister. You asked for her help. Help you'd have given to her had she asked. You didn't expect to be charged for what siblings and loved ones normally do to help each other.

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/11/2022 12:54

I’m missing a trick, I help my sibling quite often and get paid it wine and conversation!

Bestcatmum · 27/11/2022 13:03

I suggest you invite her over for a large lunch nearer Xmas and then give her the bill and see what she says.

greentrees9 · 27/11/2022 13:05

I’ve had this from a sister as well, so I’ve just backed away from that relationship. It’s hard as we tend to help each other within my siblings. In my case something else was driving the request, which came out years later.

Too be honest I have stepped away and am very reluctant to ask for any help.

vickibee · 27/11/2022 13:07

My sister helped emulsion my bathroom and I bought her a bottle of her favourite wine and a big thank you, you help out those you love and give your time freely. It’s weird it would even cross her mind.