To ask parents of mixed race children…..

[SunsetOverTheBeach]

….. how do you deal with the upset caused by racist incidents?

My son is in his final year of primary. Over the past few months there have been a couple of incidents were racist comments have been directed at him without any provocation (confirmed by staff at school). Different kids each time.

The school have gone through the necessary formalities (officially logging incidents, informing parents etc).

My question is how do you deal with the distress it causes? As a white person born and raised in the UK this is new terrain for me.

He came home heartbroken today.

You're seriously suggesting a child be subjected to WEEKS of racism?
That idea itself is racist.
The school needs to step in immediately. Anything other than zero tolerance is unacceptable.

I've been bullied for a physical difference. Worked for me. I would have hated being the subject of this kind of attention. However had it gone on more than a couple of occasions my mother would have intervened. It's all about reading the situation. All I can do is give my experience, and what worked. This is what the OP is asking. My DS is disabled and I would ask him how he would like the situation handled. Another thing OP can do on a practical level. Her child knows what is likely to happen and can contribute to the decision.

In an ideal world kids would stand up and speak out, so why don't they? We see it all the time. Online bullying, shaming and so on and kids are intimidated, but they prefer to say nothing. They know it will only make things worse. So we have to build in resilience, self worth and step in when it's necessary.

I'm not saying this or any other idea is the ideal solution. Just putting it out there that sometimes you ignore idiots and they just go away.

What worked best for me was actually to understand the bullies were themselves vulnerable and hurt children. I could see this and did my best to befriend them. They never bullied me again.

@Kabalagala Don't be ridiculous. If the bullying was a daily occurrence then of course not a few weeks. If it was a couple of nasty remarks over the course of a few weeks, then they might just get bored with the lack of reaction. It would also depend on the type of remark.

@username8888

If they were not bullying you, they had moved on to somewhere else.
I have some first hand experience of a child who is capable of being an appalling bully, the fact that he has had a difficult life does not mean he can traumatise other children.
No child should be bullied for any reason - the answer is not to sweep it under the carpet and hope it goes away- it doesn't, they move on to another target

ime in secondary schools, in a diverse school with enough non-white pupils, they often punish racist kids themselves. Its effective

Those were your words...
I'm ginger, so believe me I had my fair share of shit as a kid. That's one reason why I won't stand for it with my boys.
Kids shouldn't have to learn resilience. There needs to be more consequences for bullies. Any school that does otherwise is complicit.

@Ted27 You are completely misrepresenting what I said.

I didn't say sweep it under the carpet, but treat it in a more nuanced way.

OP asked opinions.

I am giving my experience.

it may or may not work, but no one has the right to shut down what I say or denigrate my experience, or twist my words, which is what is happening here.

Quite frankly I am being bullied here by certain posters for expressing my opinion.
So well done bullies with your aggressive tone in trying to silence me.
However I learnt to deal with the likes of you at school, so I don't give a flying

@MarmaladeFatkins totally agree

@username8888 are you the parent of a MR child?

My children are mixed race aged 12 and 10. I can honestly say we've never had a single racist incident. We do live in a diverse city and also a nice area where everyone seems to be educated and well mannered (apologies if that sounds horribly snobbish).
If it ever did happen I think I'd have a long chat with my children about racism in general, about how it's usually down to ignorance. I'd really emphasise the fact that it's nothing to do with my children but a problem with the person being racist.

It’s interesting that only the white parents of mixed race kids ever say this. Never the non-white parent, never the grown up mixed race kids themselves.

You should probably ponder why that is.

I remembered my dc saying how they didn’t like to go into the town centre with their white grandparents as they would get stared at. It wasn’t a very diverse area. I imagine the lookers were confused. But it made my dc feel offered.

I know I am being rude again, but I just don't believe that any Black or Brown person the UK has never encountered any racism. added to which, ime the middle class areas are usually by far the worst for racism. polite racism, but racism non the less

@username8888 interesting choice of numbers for your username.

But my Indian husband would say exactly the same thing. We really aren't aware of any racism against the children.
I've been with DH for 20 years and have seen 3 racist incidents against him in that time. Two cases were people commenting on his colour in a negative way. One case was someone in a van screaming "P*ki" at him. I found each incident shocking and upsetting.
There are quite a few brown skinned children at the school and my children don't stand out at all. I'm not naive - I'm sure the children will experience some racism throughout their lives but up until now I don't believe it's been an issue. I've asked them about it and they said they've never had any trouble. My son was actually shocked by the implication that some people are bothered by skin colour.

Well like I said, I've seen racism against my husband 3 times. He grew up in a southern European country and said he experienced much more racism there. I'm not saying there's not a problem here in the UK. There absolutely is and I've seen racism against him and other brown people on numerous occasions. He, himself, says he's hasn't experienced MUCH racism here. Maybe he's oblivious. He works at a university in a very diverse team with people from all over the world so I don't think he'd be picked on for being different. The times I've seen racism against him were from random strangers in the street. His colour has never held him back professionally - he's risen in his chosen profession and is often head hunted. I find that encouraging.

I see racism against my husband on an almost daily basis.... It's not someone screaming the n word at him in the street but it's security guards following him around, if he goes into a fancy shop he is dismissed by staff, he is always being asked to justify why he is somewhere, at work it is never assumed he is the manager, he has been stopped and searched three times on his lunch break from work... I could go on.

And what I can say is, as a blonde white woman, not a single thing like this has ever happened to me.

Modern racism is a series of micro aggression that are hard to report.

We live in a very diverse area in the North. One of the reasons we moved here was because it was so diverse. We love the fact the kids have friends from all different backgrounds and cultures. Are we weird too?

Yes. Exactly this.
The catalyst for us moving was my little boy being seen, then actively ignored in a line at his school summer fair.
It's so so subtle if you're not looking for it.

Sorry to break it to you, but I don't believe your DC have never experienced a racist incident. They simply haven't told you, quite possibly because it's a series of low level incidents and they can't see the point as they don't see that anything will change.

@sheepdogdelight

I also think its possible that younger children don’t recognise the micro - agression level of racism
Two examples, my son is adopted. In the early days he was often asked were he was from, we would say Xshire, they would say but where are you really from. He was 8, it went over his head. Piece of school homework, write about a famous Victorian, the class was about 80% black/Asian kids. All the examples they were given were white. He was just cross as he had no interest in the Victorians, white or black

In the nicest way possible, have you sought to educate yourself on this topic? It would appear (from your comments) that you are only recognising abuse and overt racism. Have you done any reading on covert racism? Micro aggressions? Racial profiling?

Like most non-white people, nobody has ever screamed at me from a bus or ‘commented on my colour in a negative way’, but I’ve been a victim of racism. Meghan Markle, Rishi Sunak and Kwasi Kwarteng, three of the most privileged human beings in the country have been victims of racism. If you think it’s somehow skipped your son, I’d strongly suggest you seek to inform yourself.

Your son won’t recognise it now, because he’s a child and you haven’t taught him how. He’ll figure it out when he’s an adult, as we all do. And, to a greater or lesser extent (depending on your relationship), will blame you for not supporting him. If you doubt this, there’s rather a lot of resources (from academic writing, to autobiographical novels to YouTube, so pick what you’re into) created by adult mixed race kids lamenting the attitudes of their parents - but specifically white mothers - to this very thing.

Or they don’t even recognise these incidents as racism yet, as their parents haven’t given them the vocabulary. They just know some stuff isn’t right or doesn’t feel good.

Or, even worse, they do recognise these things as racism, but keep them to themselves as know that they won’t get any support from someone who doesn’t appear to understand micro aggressions.

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