To ask parents of mixed race children…..

[SunsetOverTheBeach]

….. how do you deal with the upset caused by racist incidents?

My son is in his final year of primary. Over the past few months there have been a couple of incidents were racist comments have been directed at him without any provocation (confirmed by staff at school). Different kids each time.

The school have gone through the necessary formalities (officially logging incidents, informing parents etc).

My question is how do you deal with the distress it causes? As a white person born and raised in the UK this is new terrain for me.

He came home heartbroken today.

Sadly the racist incidents get worse as the children get older. Secondary school is worse, in my eldest sons case it was one of his previously close friends who was the worst offender. I made the school ring the police.

I would look for the most diverse secondary school you can. Children don't see the full picture of why we might not make the decisions they think are easiest, like staying with friends.

My children are white/Indian. My eldest close friends are 2 Black boys, a Pakistani boy and two white boys. It doesn't matter that they don't all have the same heritage, but most of that group have experienced racism. They absolutely need peers who get it, children who will stick up for each other or just someone to talk to who isn't their parent.

DS1 also gets support from his friends parents in various ways. It takes a village to raise children, and you need to help make sure your sons village is diverse.

ime there are divisions in multicultural schools (and communities sometimes) there ARE divisions....Somalia's, other east Africans, west Africans, Caribbean, South Asians etc etc and because teenagers/hormones that sometimes is volatile/physical but it is not the same as racism against a black/brown kid in an all white area. I think it's a combination of factors....majority/minority....history....imbalance of power....institutionalised attitudes

@Opine

I’m sorry but if you chose to have a mixed raced child you have a duty to make sure they are around people like themselves.

I agree with you in principle but sometimes this isn't as easy as it appears.

My DD is mixed heritage but appears white (I am white British). Her father (from whom I am separated) is mixed heritage but comes from a country with an extremely heterogenous population, roughly 50% of people are non white and 50% are white so her skin colour is not an indicator of the country of his heritage in any way.

To further complicate matters there are very few people from this country in the part of the country I live in.

I try as far as possible to keep her connected with this heritage: we've been to his home country several times and stay in touch by phone with members of his family, she is learning the language and we talk about it a lot. But in practice it's not always as simple as it seems to make sure there are people around like themselves. Relocating to surround her with other people from this country would be wildly impractical and would separate her from a lot of the things that anchor her in her life.

I'm really conscious of how important this is but its not always as simple as you suggest.

I have mixed children. One had curly hair and my youngest has Afro. Nothing at school but a lady came upto my youngest son, stroked his hair and said how much she loved it. An absolute stranger stroking my sons head. Is that strange? Or is it just me ..

@Thepeopleversuswork Brazil? I ask because that’s the only place I can think of that matches your description.

Does your child appear white because they ethnically are or are they just white passing and are actually not?
In the latter case I wouldn’t be too worried about how much racism they will face. I have lots of white passing family & friends who don’t feel they have ran into trouble other than people not assigning the right culture to them. They don’t choose holiday destinations with the same caution or where to live for example.

Of course relocating isn’t simple but neither is dealing with racism. Location is particularly important when the the non white parent & family aren’t present.

@snowbellsxox its racist & don’t let anyone come along and tell you otherwise.
The absolute audacity of white people & their touching of black people’s hair is an altogether different thread.

Im glad you are outraged. Stay outraged & be very very firm the next time it happens because it will happen OVER & OVER & OVER again & each time you will be expected to tolerate it. It’s crushing. Humiliating in ways I can’t convey.

Thank you, I didn't know if I was over reacting. It was in soft play and I thought is this a joke, is this your way of saying I like black people or I'm not racist! Fs honestly.

I am so so sorry for you and gs, what a horrific time. So sorry that words are all that I can offer as i doesn't seem nearly enough.

I do hope you are both out on the other side and thriving 💐

My kids are mixed white and southeast asian and we live in a very “white” rural area. My DD’s are more “white passing” than my DS. But we’ve still dealt with a couple of instances of kids at school making comments.
I’ve always told them that the world would be a boring place if everyone looked the same and if everyone’s culture was the same. I tell them how lucky they are that they are being brought up in a family with so many different cultures, languages (they speak English, their father’s mother tongue and can understand my mother’s native language) and traditions all mixed up together!

Say very loudly:
"Do you always go around touching up strangers children?

Followed by silence and a hard stare.

Expect the person to take offence, then make up excuses why she thinks it is appropriate to touch your child or even act like she is the victim.

@SunsetOverTheBeach
The comments about you needing to move have clearly unsettled you, and I can understand why.
What I don’t understand though are the inconsistencies in your posts. In your first post you spoke of heart break and then you appear to suggest everything is actually fine, and it’s actually not that bad as your DS is only a light olive skin. (🤔🙄)
Whether you move or not, do you think you’ve truly opened up your mind to the challenges your son might face? They may not hold him back.
When you were living in your ex husband’s country - did you ever go anywhere were you were the only “white person”? Do you think the colour of skin made no difference to how people responded overtly or covertly towards you?

She meant racist incidents, not kids of different races (I think!)

Thankful my kids have never had any that they’ve told me about, but we also live in a very diverse part of south london. I did consider moving back from my native Wales but didn’t want them to live in a non diverse area. I’d certainly be in speaking to the school.

AHH but you have missed the fighting between kids of different ethnicities. 🙄

Oddly as someone who was bought up in South London who has a diverse friendship group, and have younger family members who were bought up in South London areas who also have diverse friendship groups there are certain things that ensured our friendship groups remained that way.

@Dogsitter1

I DO NOT think that because my son's skin colour means he can pass as white that the racist comments are somehow okay! The only reason I mentioned my son's skin colour in a later post is because several posters made comments which assumed he was mixed race black/white which he is not. They were getting caught up in other children commenting about his skin colour being different however that is not the nature of the racist comments he has received. I believe that racist comments of ANY nature are awful.

I was the only white person pretty much ANYWHERE I went in my husband's home country. It is not a multicultural country at all and visas are very difficult to come by. When I was not working I could literally go for weeks without speaking English or seeing any white or foreign people.

There have been a couple of incidents recently a school which have upset my son. He doesn't understand why people would say nasty awful things to him simply because his dad is not white British. He was therefore (understandably) upset. However overall (taking those 2 incidents out of the equation) he is thriving. He has a very close knit group of friends. In parents' evenings hIs teachers have commented that he is popular - his friends are always inviting him out or coming round here to play with him. He is working beyond expected levels in terms of school work and is very sporty. He is actively involved in groups outside of school and loves where he lives.

I have spoken to him about moving and he is fiercely against it. When we go on holiday he enjoys it however he REALLY looks forward to coming back to catch up with his friends - as I've said they are a very tight knit group.

That said I'm not dismissing these racist incidents and will take steps to help him in any way I can. I refuse to believe that moving to a more diverse school will resolve the issue. I think he will be subject to racism regardless. I'm glad that he is proud of his heritage and am looking into introducing him to children from his dad's country via a nearby university.

@SunsetOverTheBeach I'm a bit confused about how you are going to introduce him to children from his dad's country, via the university? do you mean some of the uni students are from that country?

@MarmaladeFatkins there is a society based at the university (that I graduated from) that celebrates all things from that country. It is run by a small group of students/staff at the university who are from that country. Having done some online stalking it seems they have family friendly meet ups (picnics etc) to celebrate festivals etc and invite the wider university community / alumni. There are children in the photographs who are from that country / mixed race with a parent from that country. Not a huge amount of people but it's a start!

You do realise university societies change?

@RedWingBoots I'm not sure what you are getting at? I graduated several years ago and was oblivious to the existence of the group at that time. I only recently discovered it via an online search. The information I found was recent.

Am I the only one getting a little distracted trying to work out the country OP's DS' father is from!?! ......where there are no white ppl, hardly any of them in the UK yet enough for a university union, and not dark skinned (presumably as DS is olive skinned) ...

Anyway....
OP best wishes working this out and supporting your DS in the best way. There's a lot of useful points made on here for you to digest and reflect on.

@Garibaldibikky 😁 I was too

There is literally no area of the UK that has beyond a handful of people from my ex-husbands nationality it in.

Really? Including London? This seems unlikely. And your son would benefit from a more diverse area in which he’s not one of a handful of non white kids, even if said kids aren’t of his exact ethnic origin.

Luckily mine haven’t experienced a great deal of racism but I find it’s harder to ‘get’ things for them.

Thats not a great way of putting up but as an example that I put on a thread yesterday - I asked their school if they could, just in their class, mark very quickly a special day in their dad’s culture. Another parent with mixed race children from same culture asked the same. We were told no. Because not enough children apparently. But then then ONE American family were allowed for the whole (UK) school to celebrate Thanksgiving.

I just wish the school would admit they’re racist rather than try and come up with trumped up excuses.

Another example is their hair. Fucking sick of their teachers remarking on “We really need them to have neat hair”. That’s what mixed race hair is like, it’s frizzy and they shouldn’t have to ‘white it up’ for school! I’ve known parents of mixed race children to have referrals for safeguarding because they think ‘messy hair’ is part of neglect.

My kids didn’t notice the cultural day thing but I’ve told them to tell their teachers that they have the hair they’re supposed to have. It’s really hard because I don’t want to tell them they’re victims, I want them to stick up for themselves with any comments though. And I do the same for them if I notice racism even if it’s low level.

There is literally no area of the UK that has beyond a handful of people from my ex-husbands nationality it in
**
but conveniently, in this white rural area, the local uni has a whole society of families from the place

I mean, I don't know what the benefit/reason would be of exaggerating in either direction, but this isn't the first contradiction in the scenario. he's heart broken/he's thriving etc

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet the ignorance surrounding different hair types is astounding.
My mum is a hairdresser, and the only one in her salon trained to style/cut Afro-Caribbean hair. She has a steady stream of adult clientele, but a few children too. When she first completed her training (she’s been a hairdresser since the 80’s but only qualified in Afro-Caribbean hair about 15 years ago), she had the white mother of a mixed race little girl bring her dd in asking for her hair to be chemically relaxed because it had to be “neat” for school 🥺 My mum talked her through her reservations about using such harsh chemicals on a young child’s hair, the damage it can cause etc, and instead showed the mother a few styles that would keep the little girls hair looking tidy and “done” for school while retaining its natural texture.
There was once a heartbreaking episode of the Tyra Banks Show that focused on the issues black women faced when it comes to their hair, and there were so many little girls on there in tears over it. One little girl (can’t have been older than 4 or 5) insisted on wearing a massive, blonde wig from a Disney Princess costume every day because it made her hair “look pretty like the white girls” 🥺