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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask parents of mixed race children…..

229 replies

SunsetOverTheBeach · 25/11/2022 23:30

….. how do you deal with the upset caused by racist incidents?

My son is in his final year of primary. Over the past few months there have been a couple of incidents were racist comments have been directed at him without any provocation (confirmed by staff at school). Different kids each time.

The school have gone through the necessary formalities (officially logging incidents, informing parents etc).

My question is how do you deal with the distress it causes? As a white person born and raised in the UK this is new terrain for me.

He came home heartbroken today.

OP posts:
NameChangeForARaisin · 27/11/2022 08:52

I'm a bit shocked at the posters who feel that the OP is somehow to blame for raising her DC in a rural environment. WTF is that about?

People should be able to live wherever they want, free from discrimination. It's a bit like blaming women for being raped because they were wearing a short skirt.

We have raised 3 mixed race kids in a rural village, only had one incident (police stop and search late at night when 2 of the boys were walking the dog) but that also happens in cities and we got a full apology.

DH works in a very mixed race inner city school, which is celebrated for its integration. He walked in to a classroom recently to find his whole class mocking the recently arrived kid from Hong Kong. A whole class of kids from all over the world, picking on someone they perceived as different.

SunsetOverTheBeach · 27/11/2022 09:06

@NameChangeForARaisin thank you.

There are also posters who seem to think I’m lying.

My son should not possibly be thriving and an internationally renowned university cannot possibly have a handful of staff/students from a particular country!

I’m leaving the thread now as I’m not going to get involved with certain posters who, in my opinion, go against the spirit of the mumsnet community.

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 27/11/2022 09:14

@NameChangeForARaisinPeople should be able to live wherever they want, free from discrimination.” So you honestly think that every person of colour who has posted about the difficulties of living in rural areas thinks that they should not be able to live wherever they want, free from discrimination?? How silly of them not to realise that their experience of living in a rural, mostly white area just needed a change of attitude to tackle the racism.

MarmaladeFatkins · 27/11/2022 10:16

@SunsetOverTheBeach I apologise, I was rude really. I admit to feeling frustrated that a number of posters here seem to want us to pretend that the British countryside is less racist than UK cities/there is no racism in rural areas.

Mirabai · 27/11/2022 10:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mirabai · 27/11/2022 10:48

@NameChangeForARaisin

I don’t think anyone has claimed that there’s no bullying or racism at all in multicultural environments - you can find ignorant, arsey, prejudiced, abusive, people all over. What a multiculture does is give is solidarity for difference within a majority white culture, and support for dealing with racism, so that when it arises there are plenty of people around dealing with similar issues.

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 27/11/2022 10:57

I had an ex-partner who was white passing but half-latino, brought up in a very white part of the UK. It was very clear his experiences still really bothered him in his 20s, and there were a lot of experiences of "othering" as he grew up from both adults and children. It wasn't overt racism, but he was very aware of e.g. teachers mentioning his heritage almost randomly to visitors, or if he ever had any success his heritage was brought up even if it was irrelevant.

There's also the issue of people talking about "immigrants" etc in a racist way, and him knowing they were talking about his mother. And obviously people would say, well, you should call that out. But you have to consider the potential threat of violence (In the same area, around the same time period, a friend of mine who is pakistani was attacked outside a pub, for example)., and, often, in a school classroom being told off for expressing outrage. He experienced teachers trying to "both sides" race issues and make it into a debate when he was at school.

There's also the issue of having to explain yourself and your culture to people all the time. "My first language is Spanish", "But you aren't from Spain?" "No" "So why do they speak Spanish in South America?".

And yes, as a teacher, some teachers are 100% still racist- some overtly e.g. I've known teachers who use the work "p*key" as an insult about students (both travellers and non-travellers). But equally you get teachers who will defend their right to read the n word aloud, even if it makes the only black kid in the class really uncomfortable.

If you have an entirely white teaching body, it can be hard for mixed race/ethnic minority students to explain why an incident upset them, and some staff won't get it. And I don't think it's the same as tensions between different ethnic groups. I'm not saying it's never a problem, but it's a different problem. And you'd still not be in the position of being the only person experiencing it.

username8888 · 27/11/2022 11:17

All you can do is get him to talk about how he feels, what was said and grow his confidence. Encourage friendships that he makes and if possible encourage him to ignore the comments?

It's a difficult choice. If you go to the school and the kids are punished, it builds up resentment in them and they may target him further. The situation could worsen. Ignoring the comments and not reacting maybe the kids would just get bored and forget the differences and accept him. Both choices have their pros and cons and I really don't know the answer.

There is one boy is DSs rural middle school, and I wonder what his experience is. He has friends and DS has never said anything.

Opine · 27/11/2022 11:34

@username8888 if the children are punished for being racist it may make them more racist so best to leave them to it?

Opine · 27/11/2022 11:35

And what is the primary resentment if being chastised is “further resentment”?
what is it they resent in the first instance?

Kabalagala · 27/11/2022 11:44

username8888 · 27/11/2022 11:17

All you can do is get him to talk about how he feels, what was said and grow his confidence. Encourage friendships that he makes and if possible encourage him to ignore the comments?

It's a difficult choice. If you go to the school and the kids are punished, it builds up resentment in them and they may target him further. The situation could worsen. Ignoring the comments and not reacting maybe the kids would just get bored and forget the differences and accept him. Both choices have their pros and cons and I really don't know the answer.

There is one boy is DSs rural middle school, and I wonder what his experience is. He has friends and DS has never said anything.

It's only a "difficult choice" if you think the little racist is more important than the child being racially abused.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 27/11/2022 12:18

Opine · 27/11/2022 11:34

@username8888 if the children are punished for being racist it may make them more racist so best to leave them to it?

This is another thing I’ve faced - that racism is part of life so POC should just put up with up or say something cutting and witty. Fucking offensive!

Ted27 · 27/11/2022 12:38

@username8888

no, you do not ever ignore racism and hope the perpetrator gets bored, because they won’t and when they get to secondary school their bullying will be on a different scale.
My son is mixed race, we live in a very diverse city and he went to very mixed secondary school. He was bullied on occasion for being adopted, being autistic and being black. The school has a zero tolerance to bullying in any form. I think I reported three incidents in 7 years to the school, one of which resulted in an exclusion. As it should have done,
ignoring itm treating it is banter is the way to perpetuating it.

Opine · 27/11/2022 12:43

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet I agree wholeheartedly. Any thread about racism will quickly bring these people out from under their rocks.

Orangepolentacake · 27/11/2022 12:58

Garibaldibikky · 26/11/2022 23:55

Am I the only one getting a little distracted trying to work out the country OP's DS' father is from!?! ......where there are no white ppl, hardly any of them in the UK yet enough for a university union, and not dark skinned (presumably as DS is olive skinned) ...

Anyway....
OP best wishes working this out and supporting your DS in the best way. There's a lot of useful points made on here for you to digest and reflect on.

My guess is somewhere like Costa Rica (as the OP said latin) but even places like Panama or Costa Rica will have a fair bit of white people - it tends to be the reality in South and Central America, the upper/middle classes have fairer skin

DOI: I’m south american

PiggyInTheLidl · 27/11/2022 13:00

I am the white parent of a mixed race child who also gets stared at etc for a physical difference / disability.

From an early age I modelled defiance. Parent in the park says in earshot ‘aaah, what’s wrong with them?’ And I would say ‘there is nothing wrong with my child’. ‘Ooh, they have dark skin don’t they?’ ‘No, it’s very light actually, given their parenthood’.

I told Dc from an early age that the opinions of people who are rude and ignorant are not worth getting upset about. To view them as having less understanding and knowledge.

Allies. Nurture the good friends, have them round for tea a lot, IF it feels ok, tell their parents about what Dc is experiencing at school. It might be that the friends, given a bit of encouragement about how bad racism is, will speak up against comments made against your Dc.

At DC’s school the Head used to praise in assembly any pupil who had stood up for another child against bullying. They didn’t name the bully or the victim, but named a child ‘for using their words to defend someone who was being picked on’ . This seemed very effective, it was a school where children learned to be supportive and kind.

Orangepolentacake · 27/11/2022 13:16

Opine · 27/11/2022 12:43

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet I agree wholeheartedly. Any thread about racism will quickly bring these people out from under their rocks.

@Opine I believe Lydia was talking about your comment that the racists should be left alone lest the poor things get resentful about being called out…

FastRedLondonBus · 27/11/2022 13:22

@Orangepolentacake the OP did not mention latin - I think you are getting confused with another poster.

beAsensible1 · 27/11/2022 13:34

@Garibaldibikky Maybe japan as it extremely homogenous?

Opine · 27/11/2022 13:58

@Orangepolentacake I didn’t make that comment. I was referring to the comment before mine.

Orangepolentacake · 27/11/2022 16:25

Opine · 27/11/2022 13:58

@Orangepolentacake I didn’t make that comment. I was referring to the comment before mine.

@Opine ah - my apologies!

RedWingBoots · 27/11/2022 18:29

beAsensible1 · 27/11/2022 13:34

@Garibaldibikky Maybe japan as it extremely homogenous?

There are a lot of Japanese people in London.

London has communities of every nationality but you have to find them.

username8888 · 27/11/2022 19:10

Opine · 27/11/2022 11:34

@username8888 if the children are punished for being racist it may make them more racist so best to leave them to it?

Did you continue to read, or was that a bit difficult for you?

I'm talking pragmatism. Sometimes it's easier just to let things go if it's minor bullying, because the bully will just get bored and move on. Sometimes it escalates. Sometimes calling attention gives the bully what they want and that is more attention. These are children, not adults, so the rules are different. An adult has the ability to stand up for themselves and use the law to defend themselves. Children are left in the playground environment and speaking up can actually make things worse.

I'm not saying this is right, because of course it isn't, but the teacher can not be there all the time and the child might become more of a target. Sometimes the most pragmatic approach is to ignore. It depends on the level of course and a variety of factors. Are the teachers supportive? Could there be an element of racism in the school environment? Will the child be protected and safe?

I was bullied at school. I just ignored and kept u dear the radar. Consequently I'm well adjusted and can now (in the adult world) stand up for myself.

username8888 · 27/11/2022 19:18

Clearly ignoring the problem would be short term only. If it continued more than a few weeks, obviously the parent needs to step in. Building resilience into the child is more important imo as they may subject to racism in any walk of life.

Opine · 27/11/2022 19:29

@username8888 Pragmatism doesn’t apply to racism.

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