To ask parents of mixed race children…..

[SunsetOverTheBeach]

….. how do you deal with the upset caused by racist incidents?

My son is in his final year of primary. Over the past few months there have been a couple of incidents were racist comments have been directed at him without any provocation (confirmed by staff at school). Different kids each time.

The school have gone through the necessary formalities (officially logging incidents, informing parents etc).

My question is how do you deal with the distress it causes? As a white person born and raised in the UK this is new terrain for me.

He came home heartbroken today.

I am the white parent of 2 mixed race ds living in a predominantly white middle class area. I was a primary teacher and have worked round here as well as in one of the most ethnically diverse areas in London. I think it's not quite as straightforward as some PPs seem to believe - that if you live in a diverse area you'll experience less racism because there are other people like you.
In fact in the diverse schools I worked in, I saw far more antagonism between different ethnic groups among children than in the more mono-cultural schools. By year 6 the children in the diverse schools were very aware which 'group' they belonged to and friendship groups tended to fall along ethnicity lines. There was sometimes overt discrimination by parents e.g. telling their dc they weren't allowed to play with dc from another ethnic group (often due to wars or tension in their countries of origin) and the dc were very aware of who was 'one of us' and who wasn't.
In the schools my ds went to, they were the only ones of their ethnicity and there was only a handful of dc from any ethnic minorities, so in fact there was less of an identifiable 'other' group among the dc. The downside was that perhaps my ds had less of a sense of belonging to their dad's culture and knew less about it. But both ds tell me they didn't experience overt racism at school and when they were little they were very proud of their identity. They felt it made them interesting and special. As young adults they've been shocked to encounter more prejudice in larger cities usually in the form of thoughtless prejudiced comments by random people.
As the white part of my family I know I can't feel what it feels like to experience racism so I can't advise you on how to deal with your poor ds's feelings @SunsetOverTheBeach but I can say from my experience it really isn't as simple as Well you should move to a diverse area, you bad selfish parent . The grass really isn't always greener (or any other colour) in more or less diverse areas and there are upsides and downsides to both.

However we are not moving. It’s actually astounding how blaze people are about it.

Are they blasé or do they have experience of you something don’t and understand its importance?

If anyone is blasé on this thread, perhaps it is a white woman who failed to consider racial issues when relocating her son.

So the white posters dismiss the comments from the mixed/brown/black posters saying that living in a predominantly white area has an impact? If your children ever come to you with a race related problem or share their experiences with you I sincerely hope you do not tell your children that they are being ridiculous or blasé even if you do not agree with what they are saying because ultimately you do not have their lived experience.

It would be more honest to say “I’m sorry if this is my child’s experience but I don’t want to move” than to deny that there is no problem at all.

@SunsetOverTheBeach you would have been better off using the thread title “To ask white parents of mixed race children…..”.

your son has been the target of racial abuse by several children, he’s heartbroken….but also….thriving & just a bit tanned.

Racism is actually hell to live through but anyway…
Stay where you are if it’s only an itsy bitsy problem.

Don’t come on here asking for advice about a very triggering issue and then trivialise it when you don’t like the answers.
In my own experience my white mother, her family & the absolute inability of them all to accept the magnitude of racism contributed massively to my very hefty therapy bill.

it's not about experiencing 'less racism' it's about not being the ONLY child having to deal with it, in amongst a completely white peer group. it's about not being the only Black person that all your friends and their families know, watching you to prove or disprove the stereotypes they all know. it's about not having all your class mates trying to touch your hair. it's about having peers that you can relate to and who understand your experiences. it's about being proud and not trying to hide parts of yourself. it's about being able to have conversations and arguments about race, racism, ethnicity, nationality without people getting uncomfortable/defensive and trying to shut it down by moaning about 'the race card' and 'chips in shoulders'

Bottom line - my son does not want to move.

@Haffdonga thank you for your comments. They mirror what I’ve myself have experienced having taught in a variety of schools both here and abroad.

The worst incidences of racism I’ve been involved in dealing with were in ethnically diverse schools here in the UK.

@Mirabai I was not in any way blasé about relocating my son. I agonised about it for well over a year - I meticulously researched areas/schools/cost of living/salaries etc in a number of different countries. Ultimately if I could go back in time I’d make the same decision again. He is happy.

@Mumsanetta if my son wanted to move elsewhere I’d make it happen. We are very close and I’d do anything for his happiness. I’m not saying everything is perfect but then I don’t believe anywhere is.

@Haffdonga The fact that you are a teacher & have mixed raced children and contribute to this discussion with this gaslighting nonsense is very concerning.

I meticulously researched areas/schools/cost of living/salaries etc in a number of different countries.

I’ve no doubt you did. But you did not apparently research dealing racism and identity - you say this is “new terrain” in your OP.

Take a look at your own bias and the voices you are willing to listen to @SunsetOverTheBeach - notice that the only person you have thanked for his/her comments is @Haffdonga, I’m guessing because they align with your own. The response to everyone else doesn’t quite have the same tone.

@Mirabai my son has attended the local school for the past 9 years without any issues related to his race.

Two incidents have happened recently.

people saying their mixed race kids are 'fine' and 'havent experienced any issues' growing up in a white area....I don't think you would necessarily know would you? you definitely know if there is overt racism with name calling etc and your child is upset. but you wouldn't know that a child is fundamentally affected by all the invisible/covert background racism, which is usually denied and explained away. a child doesn't know any different, they just absorb messages about themselves through their experiences

@Mumsanetta I have considered all comments on this thread. I have also taken steps (as suggested) to ensure my son spends time around people of his dad’s race.

I do not believe moving would be in son’s best interests. Neither does he. Forgive me for not uprooting our lives based on some comments here.

In what way are the teacher's racist?

And here they come....

You do know teachers, doctors, firefighters, shop assistants etc are all members of society? And some people in society hold racist views and act on them? Well some of these people can be found in any job or profession.

I don't want to describe situations in detail because it would make me identifiable. but in 2 separate schools, teachers using the N and P words and doubling down/defending their right to use those words. very different schools, one very white/private/primary, the other one big inner city diverse comprehensive...very different scenarios but the secondary school teacher created a huge rift in his class between the white and black/brown kids.

teacher calling police on Black boys for no good reason

assumptions

ADULTIFICATION!!...I would say that's the most commonly occuring problem and really hard to get people to recognise and address and STOP DOING

My gs who lives with me managed fine at primary, it was Secondary where the trouble started. It is hard to describe and I only found out when he returned to the car late with a bleeding nose and swollen eye as a result of being punched full in the face and called a n.......

Turns out he had suffered ten days of hell. He had to hold onto the school stairwell to avoid being thrown down the stairs, was pushed down outside steps, pushed into the mud and had his face pushed into it. When he did not fall down the steps, the lad involved tried to strangle him and he had marks on his neck. I noticed how muddy he was but he said it was just a result of playing on the muddy field. Always push further and check with your child.

School headteacher was appalling. Pastoral Year head was very good. HT was so bad I told the pastoral head that she could not last much longer in role and I was right. No child deserves a head like that.

Police were involved and were similarly useless, even refusing to report as racist abuse because my gs did not look black enough. It was the age old refusal to take responsibility, passing backward and forward between the organisations playing the blame game.

I dont think it is a case of rural v urban. The worst for us was in an urban, large comprehensive. Sorry if this shocks or triggers anyone.

The best thing you can do is acknowledge he is upset so at least he keeps talking to you.
Do not expect the problem to magically go away just because you've reported it. He'll likely encounter racists his whole life.
Don't minimise his experience.

Do encourage him to stick with the strong friendship group - and hopefully they are looking out for him? Emphasise his positive points and get him to use them to win over the racists (hard to be mean to the boy that's great at football/unlocked all the levels in the new computer game/makes everyone laugh).

How do you deal with the distress? You don't. He needs to find his own way. Be supportive of whatever that is.

💔 I'm so sorry

@ElsieMc that sounds horrendous. I can only imagine how angry and frustrated you all must have been.

I agree that it’s not as simple as rural/urban areas.

I hadn't thought teacher racism would have been as overt as that - horrible. Did the school take no action about this?

Because he’s reached the age when it starts.

@MarmaladeFatkins - you wouldn't know that a child is fundamentally affected by all the invisible/covert background racism, which is usually denied and explained away. a child doesn't know any different and it's about not being the ONLY child having to deal with it, in amongst a completely white peer group
I do agree with both your comments here. I can't possibly know or feel how covert racism has almost certainly affected my ds along the way (or the overt racism experienced by my dh come to that). I'm just saying from my own personal viewpoint of living in both types of area there are advantages and disadvantages when it comes to the experiences of my ethnic minority family and it's not a simple right/wrong choice on the part of the OP's where she lives.

@Opine - definition of gaslighting - Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a person or group causes someone to question their own sanity, memories, or perception of reality

I dont think it is a case of rural v urban. The worst for us was in an urban, large comprehensive.

I don’t think anyone has said it is. It’s particular types of urban multiculture - not all towns are multicultural, most cities are but not all areas of a city. There’s a difference between relatively happy urban multiculture vs tense, resentful multiculture (resentment from indigenous white people) which I have seen in some places.