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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my family ate dinner without me on my birthday?

361 replies

Icantsleep3am · 25/11/2022 20:36

How would you feel if it was your birthday, you worked the whole day, then cleaned the house, did the school run, all the while looking forward to the evening to celebrate, and when you popped out to buy a birthday cake, your husband cooked and ate dinner with the children without waiting for you?

We always celebrate family birthdays with dinner and cake. I never do anything big for myself because my birthday is in the same month as my two children, so never have enough energy left after two birthdays.

But I am so upset come home to find out they already ate. They did not even call me to ask when I was coming! I was out shopping locally and was out for about 1,5-2 hours! I guess it is not the end of the world, but I want to know if AIBU?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/11/2022 20:56

Icantsleep3am · 25/11/2022 20:55

@Bigbadfish to be fair, DH had a surgery last week. So he couldn't go out to buy a cake. But he did make an effort to get me a card and flowers.

Does he have access to the internet?

PinkyFlamingo · 25/11/2022 20:56

You still haven't explained the communication behind this, didn't you talk about plans for dinner?

RampantIvy · 25/11/2022 20:57

It sounds to me that there was a lack of communication on both sides.

Did you not discuss what you were doing for a family meal beforehand? Did you not contact your DH to let him know that you were struggling to find a cake and would be late back? Did your husband not contact you to let you know the DC were hungry and couldn't wait any longer?

Why don't people talk to each other any more?

Justcallmebebes · 25/11/2022 20:58

Really shit OP. Sounds like no effort made whatsoever. What about the rest of it? Any effort with presents, cards etc? Sorry if you've updated and I've missed it.

Happy Birthday lovely Flowers

CarefreeMe · 25/11/2022 20:58

The dinner wouldn’t bother me as I’d think having the dinner cooked and children fed by the time I got home so I could relax, would be a positive.

Although I would be annoyed that he hadn’t gone and got the cake and got me a nice takeaway as a treat.

Hbh17 · 25/11/2022 21:00

You don't need to clean the house on your birthday.
You don't need to spend 2 hours hunting down your own birthday cake - just do without or buy the first cheap one you see! I haven't had a birthday cake for nearly 40 years, which is fine because they are really only for children.

Martyrdom is not a good look......

Original poster
Icantsleep3am · 25/11/2022 21:00

@luxxlisbon DS are 12 and 7. Some days we eat late, especially on weekends.

OP posts:
Discoh · 25/11/2022 21:01

If DH went out for 2 hours at teatime, birthday or otherwise, he'd have to sort his own food on his return.

Felicity42 · 25/11/2022 21:02

Maybe you often go shopping and don't get back in time?
It depends on if this is usual behavior for you or not. Or if your DH is a selfish prick.

I've learned from experience not to try to please everyone's tastes. 😊
You could go to 3 shops then buy a nice cake and then no one wants any anyway. That's what'd happen in our house. So buy a nice dessert that you like. And a bucket of wine.

Januarcelebration · 25/11/2022 21:03

Your worked the whole day, cleaned the house, then did the school run….then went out looking for a cake for 2 hours? How on earth did you fit all that in?

But honestly, you nipped out for cake and we’re gone 2 hours without letting anyone at home know what was going on.

I think it’s obviously miscommunication. But it’s not just your dhs fault.

Justtheonethanks9099 · 25/11/2022 21:03

Is a birthday shag on the cards? Thought not.

CrystalCoco · 25/11/2022 21:05

If you'd popped out for 15 minutes and he'd somehow managed to cook and feed everyone else without you, then yes, I'd be fed up - but 1.5-2hrs??

Come on.

I'm an adult and I'm not going to wait that long at dinner time for you, kids - no chance!

Also, as PPs have said - where was the communication on this, once you embarked on your mission (and it started going awry) you knew you weren't going to be fast, what did you expect him to do, leave the kids hungry!? All sit around with rumbling tummies wondering how much longer mummy was going to be!?

You could have been thankful he fed everyone, then lit the candles on the cake and let them sing happy birthday to you!

Shinyandnew1 · 25/11/2022 21:05

What time did you go out/return?

How would you feel if it was your birthday, you worked the whole day, then cleaned the house, did the school run

I certainly wouldn’t have cleaned the house on my birthday!

girlmom21 · 25/11/2022 21:05

Icantsleep3am · 25/11/2022 20:52

No, not at all, no point to prove. Took a bit longer than anticipated and I came back a bit later than I thought I would, but it's Friday night, so no school tomorrow. They could have at least ring or text me to ask if I was on the way.

But you could have rang or text to let them know you'd be longer than expected?

I felt sympathy reading your OP but now I think you were testing him.

Loics · 25/11/2022 21:05

Hmm I can see why they ate if it took 2 hours to buy a cake, if it had actually been a quick trip to the shop fair enough, but that's a long time to wait for dinner.

ConnieTucker · 25/11/2022 21:06

Im not sure. Id have been upset. But i wouldnt have gone out for two hours at dinner time. Im not sure if your timing. Why do the cake this late?

Beees · 25/11/2022 21:09

Agree with others it certainly sounds like you're trying to be a martyr. The 2 hr trip, the cleaning, the not communicating.

I mean realistically most people would have fed the kids if their partner disappeared for 2 hours over tea time.

AndEverWhoKnew · 25/11/2022 21:10

Happy birthday!
I'd be upset too. Although two hours is a long time for a shopping trip. Since you missed having a birthday dinner tonight, can you arrange a nice birthday lunch for tomorrow instead?

Original poster
Icantsleep3am · 25/11/2022 21:10

@PinkyFlamingo It went like this. Me: "I am going to go to the shop to buy something for dinner". DH "Oh don't worry, I will cook pasta" Me: "Ok, pasta is good, I will just buy cake and cheese. DH: "Ok"

Background info: we had very busy week. In the event of the past 2 weeks we had 2 birthdays (DC's), hospital admission involving surgery, full-time job and professional exam (mine). Plus school, childcare etc. So not really much time to order or bake cakes.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 25/11/2022 21:13

Although making a cake would have been quicker than the shopping trip to buy one...

UnsolicitedOpinions · 25/11/2022 21:13

What time do you start work if you can work a full day, then clean the house, do the school run, then go out to the shops for 2 hours and expect to be eating dinner then? I don’t understand the timeline unless you start work at 4am or something (which is possible I know).

Complaining about cleaning the house on your birthday is ridiculous, unless someone made you do it. Just don’t do it. Or if you really want to clean then don’t moan about it.

I would be really disappointed if my family had dinner without me on my birthday, yes, but I wouldn’t have gone out over dinner time for two hours so it wouldn’t have happened.

Maybe you could have made a cake instead of cleaning the house and you wouldn’t have had to go out? (Obviously it would be better if your husband had, but as you were the one getting the cake)

MaydinEssex · 25/11/2022 21:14

I never do anything big for myself because my birthday is in the same month as my two children

So you never want a fuss on your birthday? Not sure why it's upset you then?

Original poster
Icantsleep3am · 25/11/2022 21:16

@Beees Not, not trying to be a martyr. The house was a tip, as had a busy week.

OP posts:
BosaNova · 25/11/2022 21:16

All i want to know is what time did you leave

AppleKatie · 25/11/2022 21:16

Your DH had surgery last week but also got you flowers and a card AND cooked dinner for the kids whilst you were out?

blimey, pour yourself a glass of wine, eat your lovely cake and look at your lovely flowers..