Popularity is genetic?

[wakeywakeyeggsandbacy]

As a child I was pretty unpopular. I was in a very small year group which didn’t help but I was always left out or on the periphery. I had one close friend outside of school from my swimming lesson but she was pretty quirky herself.

I made good friends at secondary, ups and downs and I did fall out with some on and off but I’m solid friends with about 6 or 7 now, still, some closer than others.

Same at university, don’t see each other much now we have DC but there was a little group of us.

I haven’t made loads as an adult but a few along the way - baby groups, school mums, work etc.

I’m definitely not “popular” though. There were the popular/cool kids at school and I wasn’t one of them. There’s a group of parents at my DC school who you just knew were the popular kids at school - still like it now and cliquey. Their kids are the same.

My DC are “unpopular”. Eldest is 7 and has two friends, struggles with the other kids. Littlest is still young but definitely not one of the “popular” ones. DH also similar as a child but made a decent group at secondary.

My parents are the same. I worry so much for my DC as I had a miserable time at primary.

It's not genetic but they're more likely to be more like their parents personality-wise and the 'popular' kids are likely to be like their parents and gravitate towards similar types of people.

I doubt it’s genetic: parents who value popularity and being in with the gang model that to their kids and place value on their social lives etc.People who are very at ease socially and charismatic probably also model this

I think a lot of it is tp do with confidence though. If you feel secure you are more likely to attract other people to you.

I think popular people with social lives that include activities at home (bbq's, dinner parties, parties etc) provide example models for their children that might be modelled. Also they often arrange these types of things for their children that increase their popularity.

I think in general popular parents result in a greater likelihood of popular kids.

However my kids seem relatively popular despite me be being quirky and not on the popular end of life style.

I don’t think it’s genetic, I think it’s learned behaviour, we grow up to behave like our parents effectively . So mine were outgoing, big socialisers, lots of friends, lots of house parties, and I do the same, they didn’t teach me it, just this is the behaviour i experienced growing up. My daughter is the same, So it’s learned. Your parents didn’t, and you mimic them, as are your kids mimicking you,

it’s not genetic, it’s learned behaviour . Nurture, not nature

Yes, agree with others that this is likely to be more about social learning from parents but also about the values that families share. If your family shares a belief that being kind/yourself/content is more important than being popular, then this may apply to various generations.

The one way it might be partially genetic is that physically attractive people are statistically more popular. Physical attractiveness is at least partly down to genetics.

This definitely isn’t true. I’ve never been popular and both my kids are very well liked with loads of friends. I was really awkward though and they’re not. I can see the difference in the way people interact with them.
Equally I know some very well liked and popular people who have kids that really struggle socially.

I’d also argue it’s not about being “popular” no one is social able to be popular.

I think you’re using the wrong word, but get your struggle to find the right one, it’s about being a sociable outgoing person , and that as said I don’t think is genetics but is totally down to what the parent models to the child growing up

Like everything else, most things are driven by genetics ... way more than people realise. So yes I'm sure it is. I was listening to a podcast with Robert Plomin talking about genetics and psychology yesterday - fascinating!!

I think as an adult people would probably think I’m sociable/outgoing now. I don’t find small talk hard, am friendly and chatty in groups etc.

@Autumnalleavestime yes I think that’s true, we did holiday with friends/extended family a bit when I was younger, I but my parents probably didn’t have big regular gatherings. DH and I do try and host but it’s few times a year, we don’t have a huge house/garden so can only manage so many at a time. Plus with young kids, families, I think it’s harder. I personally wouldn’t want to spend every weekend with friends as the four of us are a happy family unit, but I guess some families always prefer to be around others? I do enjoy it, but also like time just the four of us. It would feel exhausting to constantly be organising things with other families every weekend!

I don't think its genetic, but i think there are characters traits that help and they are often shared or developed in families.

Several of the women i know who are popular have a degree of.... arrogance isn't the right word, but its beyond confidence. Its an ability to genuinely not think it matters at all what others think. This tends to extend to being relaxed about lateness, seeming uncompetitive (an appealing trait).

For some reason, other women seem to pursue women of this type as friends. Even for myself, my most popular phases have coincided with windows in time when i can't be arsed and make zero effort with people and its like it triggers them to try so hard to be my friend.

I dont know if I believe its genetic but often easy going mothers who were loved and supported by their own families pass on a kind of insouciance to their kids.
It's been proven that people who expect to be accepted are warmer to others when they are getting to know them.
I guess warmth not people pleasing is key.
I am liked WHEN people get to know me but I'm always initially treated like a bit of a ghost in any group.
I'm not popular but nobody dislikes me. I think.

Yes its almost certainly got a strong genetic element, since we know that most of the factors that predict popularity all have extremely high genetic components.

The typical popular kid is going to be smart, extroverted, intelligent, and low anxiety.

Intelligence is around 80% genetic www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4270739/

Personality is around 50% genetic (depends on the specific personality factor but extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism [anxiety]) are most relevant) www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5068715/

Attractiveness obviously has a strong genetic element

etc

As slightly more direct evidence, the number of friends a person has also has a high genetic component. www.pnas.org/doi/full/10.1073/pnas.0806746106

basically; its genes all the way down

Found in the early years of primary there were big groups of popular parents and their kids tended to hang out and be invited to each others parties for eg and mine often weren't - but as time went on the kids chose their own friends and things changed - I was never a popular but always had a few friends.

My DC have never seemed bothered if they are in with a big crowd or not

Why habe you taken it to this extreme, every weekend, constantly organising things. Are you being all sensitive and hurt? Being sociable and outgoing doesn’t mean those extremes of every weekend etc, you can have a balance of seeing friends and being social without it being constant and every weekend.

@Autumnalleavestime ”am I being all sensitive and hurt”; WTF do you mean? Are you Regina George?

I was genuinely asking. I actually know plenty of people who seem to do stuff with other families every weekend. I don’t see it as a bad thing, I just personally don’t have the energy nor motivation.

I think looks play a part too, at school the pretty and athletic girls were the most popular. Top of them all we're the ones who's parents had money and did dancing.

I do think the fact they did dance gave them a lot of confidence in themselves.

I mention money as they always had the latest bags and nice coats.

I personally wouldn’t want to spend every weekend with friends as the four of us are a happy family unit

Highly sociable and outgoing people wouldn't really say this - it is definitely a learned behaviour to at least some extent.

@MoneyPrize2283

The typical popular kid is going to be smart, extroverted, intelligent, and low anxiety.

I haven’t read all of the paper but it does seem to bear this out. I am surprised at how reliably intelligence correlates with popularity. An awful lot of very clever people I have known have been extremely antisocial.

Interesting.

I am not popular, never was in school but one of my DC is incredibly popular at school. Not sure how it has happened 🤷

DH had an awful time at school, was not popular either. Makes you wonder how some children deviate from what you would expect.

@wakeywakeyeggsandbacy

I personally wouldn’t want to spend every weekend with friends as the four of us are a happy family unit

That does rather imply, whether intentional or not, that you think people who spend a lot of time with friends aren’t happy in the family unit, which I think is a bit of a stretch.

It’s possible to both love your immediate family and enjoy being with friends.

The majority of this is socialisation. If you are raised in a socially awkward, anxious household with a small circle you are less likely to be outgoing and social.
It is learned behaviour. You don’t value friendships and as such it impacts your DC’s view on them and also ability to form them.

Really?

But if you spend all the time every weekend with friends, then you’re not spending loads of time as a family unit, if both parents work of course. Note I said “every”.

But also, my point is a reflection on us - when we are around others I worry about what people think of my DC behaviour, so I can’t fully relax. My DH is also an introvert. So we would find it a lot of effort to be doing things with other people all weekend every weekend. I also don’t get invitations every single weekend!

@luxxlisbon you can be socially awkward and anxious and still value friendships!