Popularity is genetic?

[wakeywakeyeggsandbacy]

As a child I was pretty unpopular. I was in a very small year group which didn’t help but I was always left out or on the periphery. I had one close friend outside of school from my swimming lesson but she was pretty quirky herself.

I made good friends at secondary, ups and downs and I did fall out with some on and off but I’m solid friends with about 6 or 7 now, still, some closer than others.

Same at university, don’t see each other much now we have DC but there was a little group of us.

I haven’t made loads as an adult but a few along the way - baby groups, school mums, work etc.

I’m definitely not “popular” though. There were the popular/cool kids at school and I wasn’t one of them. There’s a group of parents at my DC school who you just knew were the popular kids at school - still like it now and cliquey. Their kids are the same.

My DC are “unpopular”. Eldest is 7 and has two friends, struggles with the other kids. Littlest is still young but definitely not one of the “popular” ones. DH also similar as a child but made a decent group at secondary.

My parents are the same. I worry so much for my DC as I had a miserable time at primary.

I think people are often popular for the wrong reasons. It’s not the same as being well-liked.

Not sure about that. I couldn't have been more unpopular in high school (extremely shy). My younger sister is very popular, and my mum always says we're otherwise very alike.
However, my sister was raised with 3 older siblings and was constantly around older kids, and I was the oldest. She was raised in the same household but her childhood was completely different.
So not genetic.

If someone didn’t like me I didn’t take it too personally and assume that meant something was wrong with me

Agree with this, don't beat yourself up & second guess yourself. If someone doesn't like you, who cares!

I have a friend who is super popular. She is nice, but isn't any nicer, funnier or charismatic than anyone else.
What she does is make lots of effort. She invites me and others out to things, remembers birthdays and important occasions, keeps in contact, and shows she likes you.
Its hard to explain, but she prioritises friends. She has loads of friends and gets invited to lots of things herself.

I think it’s genetic. I picked up friends easily and was never fazedby making new ones. I wasn’t ‘popular’ though. I wouldn’t have wanted to be.

Ds has loads of friends.

Dd is like her df, quite shy.

Like most things it's not one or the other. Otherwise all siblings would fall in the same camp and they certainly don't. Very few families have all siblings that are equally popular. It's more common to have one wildly popular one and one quieter less popular one. My parents were very quiet people. At around 15 I became very popular. Nothing to do with learned behaviour. Everything to do with suddenly blossoming into beauty. Popularity occurs for many reasons.

Sorry op but can't believe you've decided your dc are "unpopular" at the age of 7 and your other one is even younger 😢

In answer to your question I am not sure

I was not popular at school but I was in sixth form and when I left school

DH was popular he was a football player and very attractive and even now at 51 everyone likes him. Our dc3 (9) is popular in a kind of effortless way. Dc2 (13) struggles with friendships . Dc1 (16) is very popular but he is also tall and very beautiful looking (I know I'm biased but he's striking) which I think helps. He has a different dad who was not at all popular at school

You suggest that being popular contraindicates being kind, being yourself or being content. They aren't mutually exclusive you know. Popular people are often popular precisely because they are kind, be themselves abs are content. Strange that you seem to think otherwise.

@

Hard disagree. I was very unpopular at school and massively bullied. DD’s father was also unpopular, though not so much as me.
Somehow we have created the most popular kid in her class/year group/ play group/ I have no idea how she’s so charismatic. She came back from some time off school and a bunch of children literally cheered to see she had returned. Every year I let the parents know we’re doing a little party in the park for her birthday, and while making the food and whatnot privately think oh I hope they come, just remembering my friendless birthdays. Every year I think why do I still worry! As she’s surrounded by crowds of children.

She’s always had this ability to walk into a room and make friends. Always. She’s incredibly extroverted. And charming. People are always giving her stuff- cafe staff give her extras, she got an extra scoop of ice cream, she was dithering over pocket money toys and an old lady gave me a fiver and insisted I let her have both. It’s quite intimidating just how well-liked she is. The exact opposite of me as a child.

Shes very socially aware, too. I reckon she’ll make a good politician one day.

My parents had no friends. DP had to teach me how to have friends as an adult. Sad but true.

@interstatelovesong DH thinks I’m ridiculous to worry, but it does make me really sad/worried. Might be projecting from my own childhood.

I don't think anybody's mentioned it yet but perceived social capital is a factor. We are basic folks. It's predictable. Put simply, resources, access to resources, power, and connection to power.

This is not to say that a charismatic pauper isn't welcome if he's a man but if you ever wonder why does everybody tolerate that bore, she is either rich, married to somebody important, very fond of herself, or all 3. Everybody else has also noticed that it takes her a boringly long time to get to the point.

Totally agree with you. My 'popular' sister is also the kindest and most sensitive out of all of us. I think sometimes being an unconfident person can lead to projecting your insecurities onto others and bitterness. Obviously that's not always the case, but I think it's just as common as a popular person being mean or whatever the stereotype is.

I have a friend who has tonnes of friends and it's really not hard to guess why - she's always the first to check in when i'm upset and genuinely listens, always arranges get togethers and makes a genuine effort with everyone.

No its not genetic. I’m popular. Very popular. I’m a model when i was high school. I’m didnt go to school in the uk though.

my sister very unpopular its make her stress because she goes to same school as me and she feel so different because she knows i’m cheers captain and prom queen.

my boys both of them not popular either. They still in primary school. But as far as i remember i always been popular even in my primary school.

i think its due to personality. I’m very outgoing and friendly, but my boys are quite intovert.

I do think a major element in this is the way you were taught as a child to perceive "outsiders" (ie people outside your immediate family and longstanding friends). My parents were pretty gregarious people and there was a standing principle that being around other people was life-enhancing and they would accept invitations as a general rule other people were always welcome in our home and new friends were welcome. I don't always want to socialise because i'm busy and tired but I do see spending time with non family as a net positive to my life.

In contrast I've come across quite a lot of people who take the attitude that socialising with people outside the immediate family and a few close friends serves no purpose and is generally to be avoided. My oldest friend from childhood had parents who were very conservative and deeply suspicious of the idea of social behaviour and it took a long time for her to be allowed to come over to my house at weekend etc. She's come a long way from this but she still seems to take the view that there is not much to be gained from meeting new people and is very apathetic about meeting new friends other than those she has known for decades. The OP's post about being happy as a family reminded me of this: its a mindset that is suspicious of everyone other than those closest to you and I find it very hard to relate to.

I think there may be a genetic element to this but I think the majority of it is learned and comes down to whether you were brought up to think of socialising as something which adds to your life or which just drains your resources and energy.

Interesting @Thepeopleversuswork as my mum was quite sociable, mainly I think as my dad worked away a lot such was the time, so there were a lot of “mum friends” around. But she isn’t what I’d call a warm, open person. My dad appears warm and sociable but actually he hates people outside of his immediate family! My DH can’t be arsed either.

It’s social laziness too I think, but that could be based on introvertedness rather than anything else.

yeah I’m probably guilty of not making enough effort mainly because I forget about people when their out of sight, time goes so quickly without me realising

this statement surprises me, I never forget about my friends. I always make rhe time to text or call, and we are in contact most days. I’m no more likely to forget a friend than I am my daughter or husband, as my friends are important to me. I can’t imagine forgetting about them as they are out of sight.

this tells me either these people are not friends, or they simply are unimportant to you. Friendship is a two way thing.if you just forget about people this is why you are not popular, and this is not something to model to your kids. People won’t want to be your friend if you just forget about them as you please.

@wakeywakeyeggsandbacy

Yep. Social behaviour does usually require a degree of effort, even if you're naturally good at it. There are always times you can't be arsed and are tired and not in the mood and need a drink to get you through it.

But some people will power through it, seeing it as an investment in their lives, where others will take any loophole possible to avoid it. It's partly extrovert v introvert but I think it's also whether you perceive other people to be worth the social investment. Some people think this is essential to their self-worth whereas others are more self-contained and happier without it.

My family were totally unsociable. I never remember any friends coming round.

But l grew up very friendly and sociable. I’m more introvert now, but l still find making friends easy, and have never felt daunted by social situations. So I’m not sure where l ‘learnt’ my social skills🤷🏼‍♀️

@Autumnalleavestime wow you’re persistent, taking everything very literally!

I forget to contact people when they’re out of sight, not forget they’re exist. I have to physically remind myself to text friends to check in on them, and all it takes is for me to be distracted by something else, work/kids, for a minute, then I forget to send the message. Then literally a week will pass before I realise and remember again.

@Thepeopleversuswork absolutely, I never cancel plans unless I genuinely have to due to last minute emergency so it’s rare, as flakiness in that sense is really annoying and disrespectful to the friends you’ve made the plans with. I’m more understanding of it now with young DC as they can change plans at such short notice, but in the past there were people in my school group who’ve sort of dropped away as they were very flaky and would never turn up to stuff, even if they’d committed to. Hate that!

Look chances are you yourself are probably more anxious and this shows in the way you feel about your kids outcomes - unsure and worried. This probably influenced your social outcomes. Give your kids confidence by accepting them the way they are. Ie don’t say I would love it if you are more outgoing… tell her that you love her just the way she is and list a few good things she does well. This will give her confidence to go on and do better. If you have a disappointed attitude this will probably have a negative effect.

Another thing that strikes me about this discussion....

I always seemed very aware growing up of the 'popular' branches of our extended family, and we weren't on either side. I now personally get anxious whenever my antennae detect that either of my children is more wall flower than as part of the centre .

Really odd and unhelpful thoughts to have, and I don't think I have kept up the wall flower role in my adult life.