Popularity is genetic?

[wakeywakeyeggsandbacy]

As a child I was pretty unpopular. I was in a very small year group which didn’t help but I was always left out or on the periphery. I had one close friend outside of school from my swimming lesson but she was pretty quirky herself.

I made good friends at secondary, ups and downs and I did fall out with some on and off but I’m solid friends with about 6 or 7 now, still, some closer than others.

Same at university, don’t see each other much now we have DC but there was a little group of us.

I haven’t made loads as an adult but a few along the way - baby groups, school mums, work etc.

I’m definitely not “popular” though. There were the popular/cool kids at school and I wasn’t one of them. There’s a group of parents at my DC school who you just knew were the popular kids at school - still like it now and cliquey. Their kids are the same.

My DC are “unpopular”. Eldest is 7 and has two friends, struggles with the other kids. Littlest is still young but definitely not one of the “popular” ones. DH also similar as a child but made a decent group at secondary.

My parents are the same. I worry so much for my DC as I had a miserable time at primary.

You don’t value friendships and as such it impacts your DC’s view on them and also ability to form them.

I don't think not being popular means you don't value friendships!

Ok the answer is yes you are, and being quite angry too. I explained in my post, it was becayde you said “every weekend” and ‘constantly organising’ stuff, no one does that , it’s so extreme, I can’t understand why you even wrote it. I don’t believe for a moment you know all these folks who do it.

you also even wrote it like an insult, how these folks can’t spend time as a family and need others.

you don’t need to be all angry and weird about it.

Of course you can, in terms of valuing friendships I am talking about you specifically and the comments you have made, not people who are socially anxious generally. You seem quite high and mighty about people who spend a lot of time with friends, there is a lot of suggesting that your way is the better way and that other families can’t be as close if they aren’t together all the time.

Nature or Nurture? Who knows? But agree there are probably patterns.

Weird and angry. You literally jumped on my post @Autumnalleavestime .I asked if YOU were Regina George, not me.

I agree that is is learned behaviour .. both my DH and I come from 'socially active families', we had a wide circle of friends, we learned to 'give back' in terms of community involvement & volunteering. My DM at 90 is really active socially and volunteers and has a huge number of friends; our own DS is the same ... lots of friends, socially confident, happy to volunteer at 'unpopular' events, never cares if he's knows people or not before joint things. Self esteem is so important but I honestly don't know how you 'get it' if it doesn't come naturally to you.

I really don’t understand how I’ve come across high and mighty by pointing out I don’t consider myself nor my immediate family popular!

I have explained above why I and my DH would find it tiring seeing friends all weekend every weekend. We are happy as a family unit. This doesn’t mean people who are popular aren’t happy, I would PERSONALLY just find, for example, a holiday with just the four of us more relaxing. I worry about what people think and so find it easier to manage my DC etc when there’s not an audience.

This doesn’t mean I don’t value friendships, given I’ve explained in my OP that I am still friends with people from school and university! Last weekend I had a meal with friends on the Friday and then a milestone birthday party on the Saturday. This weekend I have another event tomorrow and then on Sunday, but none of these involve DC nor DPs so I wouldn’t want to do that all weekend every weekend…

Hey, guess what? "Popular" people can be kind and content too.

Maybe it's more accurate to describe people as introverted or extroverted? And both those things are fine? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t think popularity is genetic. But a lot of other things are - good looks, athleticism etc. Then things like confidence and social skills are often mimicked/picked up from parents. So while popularity isn’t necessarily genetic a lot of the traits that are common in popular people are genetic or learned behaviours.

I find this topic unusually interesting for some reason.

I wasn't popular but was always fine, always had enough friends really but was always a bit anxious about friends and was always aware of who the popular ones were. I have graduated not towards being popular but relaxed and confident with friends as I have got older and I find I tend to be in the groups I want to be in. I think liking people generally but not being overly invested in them (in a good way) has helped.

I worry that I in turn worry too much about my two young kids being if not popular then at least easygoing when it comes to friends and friendships being reciprocal. I do get anxious (I hope privately) about their friendships, which i think brings back memories of my own experience growing up.

It's odd as it is something I think too much about so I can't be that easygoing. I think opening up your house to people now and again, and striving, now and again, to be the fun easygoing place to go to for your kids' friends, helps. I did not have that growing up but have trained myself to feel quite natural about this, and I think I see that coming through in my kids (I hope) therefore I probably think that a lot is learned behavior.

As an adult I seem to be popular. Come across as sociable, outgoing etc.

At school I really wasn’t, esp at primary school. Secondary I had my little geeky group I was happy with, but at primary has a horrible time.

My kids are really the same. Both had struggles at primary despite being very kind and wanting to be sociable - and having been used to parents socialising etc, lots of little friends pre school, went to nursery etc. Dd now at secondary and again is perfectly happy with the friends she has despite not being “cool” ones. Ds having a really hard time at primary just like us for no obvious reason, except a really popular boy taking again him.

Theres something generic or learned or something going on but I’m blowed if I know what it is. Neuro diversity? Being too nice, not understanding the “game” somehow? Or just giving off the wrong vibe? No idea!

Forgive typos

Op the point being made is that very few people once they have kids want to see friends all weekend every weekend, we all understand this is your social circle but out with this it is a very rare thing, most socialable and popular people see friends maybe every week or two and at different times and doing different things. So for dinner or drinks or an event. Very few of us will habe experienced what you’re witnessing.

But we all hear you. you can stand down. We hear you. The people you perceive as popular spend all weekend every weekend with others.

@longdistanceclaraaa I’m guilty of the worry, but I don’t think I do such a good job of doing it privately! I can’t help myself asking my DC who they’ve played with etc, I just want them to be happy and have a few friends. My eldest DC isn’t friendless but I worry so much that he only has one or two friends.

@Autumnalleavestime that's what their social media implies anyway!

It must be a bit of both nature and nurture surely?

I do remember my DM crying after one school play where she'd tried and failed to get me the right outfit because she had no idea what the expected thing would be, and I stood out like a sore thumb from the other girls who in hindsight, had probably all coordinated their outfits. I didn't mind but it really upset her because she had always been the "weird" kid on the outside and I was as well.

OTOH I think we are probably both neurodivergent. I'm diagnosed; she isn't, and probably won't be but I can see signs in her too. That's genetic. My dad probably is too.

I'd love to be out every weekend (every other weekend?) doing things with other families but I have married a total introvert and even he thinks that we do loads because we see people occasionally, because his parents were completely antisocial and never socialised with anybody at all!

We're an odd pair - I am extraverted and desperately want to be popular but I don't know how to do it and tend to come across as weird to people, which results in me not attracting most people as friends, which is actually fine - I want to have a few friends, really, not be vaguely "popular". Whereas DH is not socially inept in any way, he's confident and can make people laugh and they tend to instantly like him, but he doesn't like people and it takes a lot for someone to appeal to him as a friend. He doesn't want or need more friends.

Personality is partly genetic. I don’t know why people like to pretend it isn’t? Looks are definitely genetic. And both good looks and extroverted personality make you popular. Therefore popularity is inherited.

I know popular people whose kids have it really hard, so I don't think there's a particular correlation.

For what it's worth, my daughter at 7 was having a horrible time at school, couldn't seem to make friends, just a really miserable time. 2 years later and it's transformed, she has a best friend and also a group of friends and is very popular and very happy. Your 7 year old has two friends so is doing better than my daughter was at that age! Don't write your kids popularity off just yet, they are still so young.

I think this for the most part too

@wakeywakeyeggsandbacy

Ime being popular requires a fair bit of effort & time. I was in the popular group at school by default because my best friend was in it whereas I was much more of a "B" group.

My best friend invested a lot into doing things with other people whereas I'm far too lazy. I like time with my friends, I like time with family, time alone & with DH plus I have a quite a big extended family.

For example I was invited on 4 group holidays this year but only went on the two most important to me. One with old friends & one with some school parents that I really like. I should have gone on one of the other ones to meet new school parents but it was the weekend after I got back from a family holiday & I just couldn't be bothered. My best friend would never have done this & would always make that effort.

I guess dc see that & model it? My dc are still quite young but the eldest has their core group & doesn't really deviate. I'm similar, my best friends are still the ones from primary school 😆

Yip I do exactly that too but try my best to stop myself or not make those types of question the first three that I ask them after school/nursery. I try to weave them in breezily later on. I do get you here.

But I personally think I'd be content if ,like you, either of my children ended up with one or two friends, as long as they were truly good friends. I'd worry, even more than usual about this, if I didn't think there was substance to the friendship. I suppose it's not popularity as such but easygoing reciprocity that I value. My children are a bit younger than yours sound so we're not there yet, but i admit that it's the aspect of parenting i know I'll have to keep myself in check about.

I know as an adult that being easygoing and keeping expectations reasonable leads to pretty good relationships so I very much want this for my children.

Actually interestingly, DS1 has never ever struggled to make friends, he attracts them, he has a different dad and his dad was the same. He was a narcissistic arse unfortunately, but charming, always had a crowd of followers because he was enchanting.

DS2 seems to be introverted but it's too early to say whether he'll be popular or not.

Wow @BertieBotts so much of your post has resonated with me! I think I would love to be popular and have loads of invitations but then when it comes to the day I have to really force the effort and wish I didn’t have to go out! My DH is an introvert and isn’t so bothered about having loads of friends, but he comes across well and people warm to him.

@crumbsneverdid thank you. I worry a lot,
especially as I feel like my DS is getting worse with age rather than better; he’s so lovely and funny but doesn’t seem to be well liked amongst the rest of his class, I see him trying to talk to them casually sometimes and they often ignore him, and his teacher has says he doesn’t work very well with others in class so I worry it’s chicken and egg.

@yoyy yeah I’m probably guilty of not making enough effort mainly because I forget about people when their out of sight, time goes so quickly without me realising.

Studies in friendship have shown it’s learnt behaviour, so if it’s heavily modeled in your family you could definitely pick up strong social skills before even attending school. Some people are natural extroverts so that could also help them. What IS genetic is shyness, so if you were a naturally shy person who then was never encouraged to learn social skills that could make it harder to make friends.

In my experience confidence counts for a lot. Women I have known (some my own friends) who said they “never” make friends and “nobody” likes them etc. unintentionally self-sabotage by assuming the worst, not having confidence to step out of their comfort zone and take ordinary knockbacks very hard.

Both my parents had lots of friends and always enjoyed talking to others and getting to know them, so I think my brother and I had an assumption that people would like us. If someone didn’t like me I didn’t take it too personally and assume that meant something was wrong with me. Although I make friends quite easily and usually get on well with work colleagues, so when I met a work colleague that was unresponsive and I just couldn’t for the life of me create rapport with it did surprise me TBH and I just had to accept for whatever reason she isn’t wasn’t interested in a friendship.

I have naturally done well in recruiting, sales, consulting etc. where I connect people to others and services they need.