Popularity is genetic?

[wakeywakeyeggsandbacy]

As a child I was pretty unpopular. I was in a very small year group which didn’t help but I was always left out or on the periphery. I had one close friend outside of school from my swimming lesson but she was pretty quirky herself.

I made good friends at secondary, ups and downs and I did fall out with some on and off but I’m solid friends with about 6 or 7 now, still, some closer than others.

Same at university, don’t see each other much now we have DC but there was a little group of us.

I haven’t made loads as an adult but a few along the way - baby groups, school mums, work etc.

I’m definitely not “popular” though. There were the popular/cool kids at school and I wasn’t one of them. There’s a group of parents at my DC school who you just knew were the popular kids at school - still like it now and cliquey. Their kids are the same.

My DC are “unpopular”. Eldest is 7 and has two friends, struggles with the other kids. Littlest is still young but definitely not one of the “popular” ones. DH also similar as a child but made a decent group at secondary.

My parents are the same. I worry so much for my DC as I had a miserable time at primary.

Yes @Jenny3412 im definitely anxious. Very. I think I must mask it quite well as an adult to people who don’t know me very well as people in work think I’m very calm and level headed, new friends tend to think the same. Whereas my childhood friends know I’m very uptight!

@longdistanceclaraaa yes exactly that. Not so much of branches of extended family as we weren’t close to either side (another factor? I wasn’t close to cousins growing up, they didn’t live locally but also my parents weren’t close to their siblings/big age gaps) but branches of family friends who were popular. The kids of my parents’ friends seemed to be “cool” whereas my siblings and I felt uncool, shy and weird.

I agree with all of this.

Guys don’t be so harsh ‘you don’t value friendships’ the lady is asking us for tips about how to better the situation for her daughter not to psychoanalyse the OP

I don’t think it is. DH is socially awkward although likes socialising, I’m less awkward but like being him. He wasn’t popular at school, neither was I but I had a large group of good friends.
DS1 isn’t popular or unpopular, he’s very self confident and strong minded.
DS2 is very popular and just more relaxed, he’s extremely self conscious though.

Studies in friendship have shown it’s learnt behaviour
My mother is the most social person you could ever meet. She models how to be super social every single day. She even talks to complete strangers. It has never rubbed off on me? I am constantly horrified by her talking to people, I’ve been known to walk away because she’s talking to someone and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Earlier this week she went to fetch a shop assistant because I couldn’t find what I was looking for, and I physically hid so she couldn’t bring the assistant to me and make me talk to them.

I think popular people really want to be popular (either consciously or subconsciously) so do what is required to achieve that

Friendship is really important for our overall health, and obviously you have more resources, support and means of survival the more genuine friends you have. So it seems an obvious and smart survival skill in a social species such as ours to want to be popular.

It’s curious but this started as being about your kids and has quickly become all about you and your own friendships. That seems to be key here to you. You don’t manage friendships well, forget to contact people, don’t seem to socialise much, the size of your home is not relevant, anyone can go out for dinner or drinks, and your own popularity rating.

I think I’d focus on that for awhile , try to come to terms with who you are and how you’re regarded and why, if there is anything you can change and how, before extending anything to your kids.

The OP is getting quite a hard time. She clearly does have friends just not loads of them & I assumes she invests time & effort in the ones that matter.

My best friend would invest much more in new friendships as well as maintaining one's so has a lot of friends & wider circle. As I said I can't be bothered to do that much & am content with the friendships I have so have a smaller circle. It doesn't mean I value friendships any less than her.

It's partly extrovert v introvert but I think it's also whether you perceive other people to be worth the social investment.

I agree with this

I was pretty popular at school and Uni, still am now.
I am a bit of a Queen Bee but without the sting.
DD is certainly not and has always struggled with friendships, we think she may have ADHD or similar though. DS seems to have loads of friends though, he’s not in the “cool” crowd because that’s the footballers but he’s made his own little gang and seems to be well liked by most people

There are 5 kids in my family - my parents never socialised when we were growing up infact they are neurodiverse with my dad showing ASD traits and my mum never having a friend.
Two of my siblings are very popular and I had popularity at high school / university although not now.
But I have recently discovered I have inattentive adhd and we tend to miss social cues and have our senses on high alert so find socialising exhausting

Except I would question how deep those connections and friendships are once it gets beyond a certain (fairly small) number

"I am a bit of a Queen Bee but without the sting"

Yeah, we wouldn't get on 😂

I dont know if I agree with that, personality is surely innate in a person, whether that is called genetic Im not sure

My parents couldnt be any further from popular and having social outlooks and social lives and friends.

I have always been popular but equally Im an introvert and will pick and choose carefully what things I like to do, I can get overwhelmed with too many people around me or social expectations

My sister has a diagnosis of Asperger's and doesnt have any friends or engage with people socially at all. I would say she is more like my parents.

I think the older I get the less I care. DH isn't particularly sociable. Lockdown has made me more anti social. I like being at home

I have a few close friends but am busy working and like spending time with my spouse and family. I occasionally meet up with friends

My dc always had plenty of friends and I encouraged it but weren't the super popular ones

I think you are being harsh on yourself! You sound like you are a normal amount of popular. School can be scarring and I think those of us who weren't popular at school still feel like outsiders later -?even if we aren't, popularity at school is dependent on lots of factors. Family is one - but it can be down to just bring liked or not liked by one person! Plus you need to be a people pleaser and go along with the group view - even if you don't agree with it.

I think you also look with rose tinted glasses at those popular people. Some are actually insecure - requiring validation from others constantly. It's a lot of work! There is a happy medium.

My son is exceptionally popular. I was not particularly. I didn't play the game/ follow the hierarchies. I see some grown up woman acting like school girls. Sucking up to the queen bee... It makes me think they are a bit tragic! Not popular! Be yourself..

That's how it was at my school! The people in the popular cliques all seemed nasty, fake and always had way too much drama going on. However, they did get picked first for everything, invited to parties and so on.

However, I'm not saying they are naturally exclusive and in adulthood, yes, this is less the case. I was trying to say more that different people may prioritise different things. I was just trying to think of examples. For "content" what I was trying to get at might be better explained as having a quiet life- not being busy and having to host/invite/deal with people all the time, which some people just find draining.

I think sometimes the more popular ones struggle more later in life when things don't go their way anymore itms.

It can make them more selfish and inflexible

I’m not sure sociable is the same as popularity. So someone can be seen as uncool and be sociable with lots of friends. And someone can be perceived as popular and cool but struggle with forming meaningful friendships. Also it’s perfectly possible to be popular and a nice person. And also unpopular and an unpleasant person. And vice versa! I think popularity in boys is heavily associated with sport. Popularity in girls is more a mix of things good social skills, attractive. I think being perceived to be attractive is probably more important than actual good looks in boys and girls.

Possibly not but I wouldn’t exclude or bitch about you anyway - due to the no sting bit 😁

I think there's a really important distinction between "being popular" and "having good friendships". They are not necessarily the same thing at all.

"Being popular" can often mean valuing numbers of friends over quantity. Some people like to be seen to have big social networks and put a lot of energy into it without really having high quality friendships within this. Some extreme extroverts seem to collect "friends" in order to tick them off the list and tell other people what good friends they are with x and don't necessarily have deep or meaningful friendships, where a quieter and more introverted person may actually find the fewer friendships they do have to be more durable. (I don't want to fall into the MN trap of saying extroverts are all vain and shallow because I don't think its this simple, but there are definitely people who value the appearance of friendship more than the friendship itself).

Also there are a lot of "second tier" popular people who drift along in the wake of a more extrovert, group leader, the quieter "deputy" in a clique for example: people want to keep on the good side of a person like this because of their proximity to a leader but they don't necessarily have any social "power" in their own right and would probably drift into obscurity if the clique dispersed.

It's partly extrovert v introvert but I think it's also whether you perceive other people to be worth the social investment.

I also agree with this people can tell if you’re genuinely interested in them and want to make the effort, but are not needy. A lot of people want to be popular and have friends but genuinely aren’t that interested in others and are very self absorbed and just Really want to talk about themselves and socialise when it suits them and not put themselves out. Then they wonder why they are not invited places and don’t have friends.

A lot of people want to be popular and have friends but genuinely aren’t that interested in others and are very self absorbed and just Really want to talk about themselves and socialise when it suits them and not put themselves out. Then they wonder why they are not invited places and don’t have friends.

There's a huge middle ground between being popular & having no friends 😆

Possibly being unfair to you Hopping and you may be perfectly pleasant, but I can't get over someone describing themselves as a Queen Bee - it's has so many negative associations for me. It certainly denotes someone who wants to be seen as a social lynchpin and somehow in charge?

@TaraRhu yes I am, I think it’s more of a worry for my DC tbh! I don’t worry about my own social status now, I have plenty of friends and do social things, I’m not quite sure why particular poster seems to have decided they know a lot about my life 🤔

What I will say is I do a lot on my own with friends. I guess that’s part and parcel of having DC, we do have reasonable babysitting offers but don’t like to use them all the time! But we probably don’t do loads with other families with kids on weekend days, if that makes sense. Maybe once a month on average. I think in my mind that’s what I’m picturing; big groups of families doing stuff together all the time, mums/dads, kids and all, whereas I was quite a bit earlier than the rest of my friends having DC so they have babies and toddlers now.