Do you raise your kids to care about money when it comes to future career and lifestyle?

[iojlrjgi9893]

I have been thinking about what advice I would like to give my kids regarding future jobs and careers - they are both still quite young. Yes, this comes from a position of privilege but has been spurred on my the current financial situation in the UK.

We currently live in London - I went to Oxford, have a PhD and work in academia. I earn ok but clearly not as much as I could be. All of my uni friends are the same - chose not to go into the city and are now on 60-70k in their 40s. They are all in managerial positions but dont seem as interested in chasing promotions or money at any price. Would rather go part time than hit the next salary mile stone. As far as I can tell - we all love what we do and are mainly in the arts, medicine, academia, publishing, think tanks etc.

By contrast, parents at my kids' school and my siblings are quite different and do tend to place a lot of emphasis on material wealth, the next promotion, competitive parenting - making sure you get the next thing, the bigger house, that promotion, become a partner, hit the next milestone. This also translates into how they raise their kids.

When I was younger - I clearly thought that doing something you love that pays less, getting a nice work life balance was better than going into the 'city' (could be anything else) and focusing primarily on the financial side of things. However, now that I have my own kids - and hit 40s - I am beginning to think that maybe my way is not better and actually chasing money and the next promotion, the nicer house and the next best thing is much smarter.

Is it that the world has change and money matters more or that I can grown up so to speak. How do you raise your kids and what do you tell them?

I bang on to my daughter the importance of financial independence and education

@healthadvice123 see it's your kind of ignorance (don't mean that as harsh as that sounds written down) as to why so many people have limits put on them. You make it sound unattainable without huge sacrifice. I earn well, doing a job I enjoy and have excellent work life balance. I work flexi, I've never missed a school play, sports day, I'm home more than they are. It isn't either/or. It's this kind of black and white thinking that stops people being ambitious and think they can only have time or money.

@iojlrjgi9893 I think that trying to answer a “should kids be encouraged to chase their dreams or go for a practical financially more rewarding job?” question by looking through the prism of the situation of you and your Oxford uni peers that had a choice of following your dreams and going into arts / medicine vs those that followed the money and went into the city is a bit of a false dichotomy.

If you’re at Oxford and in a position to get a job in either arts / medicine or the city, then you’re already pretty far removed from the usual experience.

Personally I think kids should be given an empathetic dose of reality, alongside being presented with a range of job options and being told what the prospects of the job will be / what their likelihood of getting into that job is / what the day to day reality of it will be. Being told to live your dreams, that money doesn’t buy happiness and that you anyone can do anything they set their mind too, is usually wrong and damaging imo.

I went to a standard northern state school, and the number of kids who in the meagre career counselling we got said their dream was to be a footballer, dancer, guardian journalist, actor, novelist, movie director, astronaut and got cheered on was staggering. Whereas the two kids that said they wanted to be a gardener and a nurse got the piss ripped out of them. Yeah there will be some kids who beat the odds, but the reality is that most of the aspiring footballers, actors and guardian columnists out there, could probably benefit from being sat down and told how unrealistic that is and / or how unlikely they are to get into that profession without connections and independent means. And steered towards something a bit more realistic that will also allow them a decent work life balance and enough money to be okay.

@user564576 but that comes with it , mine know the value of money etc
But if they want to become a binmen on £23000 and takes them longer to but a house , so what
Rather that than stuck in a job they hate and suffering ill health etc
Just said to mine stay home and save and try and get on property ladder , be sensible with what you do earn , live within your means etc
We can't all have top paid jobs , flashy homes and cars
What we can do is use the money we earn wisely
Also my dc get to choose their own deStination its their life's not mine to dictate or have expectations of

If I had a few million in the bank, yup I'd tell them just do what makes you happy.

But I dont have that privilege. And they will have to be able to earn a living in order to fund their life.

So they need something that pays the bill, I dont want them to have to worry about heating their house, or where their next meal is coming from.

So because I dont have the millions already, I will be encouraging them to work hard at school, and hopefully they will do well.

not sure why this would be controversial. Makes sense given the current climate and you only have to read mumsnet to see why independence is best.

My eldest DC has just started Uni, youngest is choosing A Levels. We talk about what they enjoy, where their talents are, what will pay well, what their work life balance might look like etc Dh and I can say what we like, these pesky kids will insist on having their own opinions 😁

@healthadvice123 that's fine, but you need to ask 2 questions, not 1. 1) what do you want to DO for work 2) and what do you want to be able to do outside of work?

If travelling and home ownership are really important to a person, it doesn't matter how much they love that low paying job if it's not providing for the other aspects of their life, they probably still won't be happy overall.

It's a balance, it's not either, or.

I just realised that my parents literally never advised us to think about salary in our chosen careers. It was all about ‘do whatever you are good at / what interests you’. We werent especially well off, but comfortable I guess - both parents teachers in the mid 90s. We had everything we needed and the future felt positive.

My brother and I are mid-earners, but could have had higher salaries if we’d gone another route. I think if I had children now I would be giving more financially focused advice.

A bit of both.
They grew up in a financially comfortable environment though we are careful with money and don't live extravagently. Happy to spend a lot on travel but not interested in the latest phone or new cars.
I always stressed that very few people are lucky enough to do a job they love and most people settle for something they don't mind as long as it pays enough.
My DC are in their 20s now.
One in tech who earns a lot but finds it a bit dull and the other is a teacher so not well paid but absolutely loves his job and buzzes with enthusiasm. The first one works from home strictly 9 to 5 and the teacher works 60+ hours a week and never has a day off.
Which one is best? Who knows.
Fortunately neither lives in London and both live in a part of the UK which is cheap to buy a house and close to beautiful countriside.

I’m very conscious of this- when most of us (30/40yrs old) were being raised, a basic income could guarantee you a home and food- now it doesn’t. I’m teaching my children to aim high as money gives you choice, and also think before you marry/ join finances with someone. Harsh but reality!

Coming from a family where nobody earns more than NMW, my 40K salary is an enormous amount to them (and me!).

I had a breakdown/burnout in my late teens, didn’t get my degree until I was 36, am now doing a Masters.

Being as I had my DDs in my early 20s, they’re now teens, and I spent years working shit jobs on shit wages, so yes, I do chase every promotion/extra qualification etc.

Eldest DD is in Y11, is 16. Predicted 8s/9s across the board; she’s also bilingual and clunky in a third as ExH very rarely uses the third language. She lives and breathes Physics, CompSci and Maths. I have no idea how well they pay as I’m in BioMed/Micro, I only have one friend who works in Tech and earns triple my salary, I’m not daft enough to think that’s a standard salary though.

It’s very easy to say “I don’t push my kids” when you earn 60K + and everyone around you does, presumably there’s large inheritances to be had too.

When you come from fuck all, will be inheriting fuck all, by some random fluke you’re intelligent and so are your children, it’s normal to push them to strive for more.

The main thing is to be hardworking. Lots of my friends kids won't get a job at 16 they want it all paid for. Work ethic is priority the rest follows

It’s interesting. I am from a group of peers who were all older siblings from well off backgrounds. Everyone has pursued more lower paid passion type routes where as the younger siblings of our group have all gone for the high paid city route. When instilled ethos has been largely the same.

My parents didn’t mind what I did but fully instilled the effort in - effort out ethos. Even down to my university choice of Long 7 year course + professional accredition and my dad warned that I might find these years more enjoyable if I opted for an easier degree (easy as in just knowledge based work and less physical coursework).

I was also into art and they did suggest that wasn’t a good career path as very unstable. I now look at peers who did pursue this work and are doing well so that might not have been the right suggestion.

I am looking at my son and will teach him the above. I do want him to feel he can do anything and make money. I think the confidence that you can is the most important part. When I look at the kids in the nearby very well elite private school I think no one there is being discouraged from being a writer, artist or cello player.

The one exception to the rule I think will be sports based. I think the competitiveness there and short span on money earning potential is not a good route. It also leaves you open to a huge early/ mid life crisis and loss of direction.

The advice I’ll give is the same as what my parents told me…
•do something that you have an interest in and that you will enjoy on the most part
•work hard no matter what you do, always do your best but don’t be made a mug of!
•be as independent as you can
•try to make your wage AT LEAST match your age
•save for a rainy day!

My kids are at secondary school and have both come home at some point this year (year 7 and year 11) and said STEM careers were the way forward because they pay more. There was even a graph of how much you could expect to get paid depending on which A-levels you do on a recent email home from school (spoiler - it's further maths followed by maths- and definitely sciences - and definitely not humanities). My oldest actively wants to be an engineer and has for quite some time, so all well and good in that regard. My youngest wanted to somehow do both acting and law part-time, but is now beginning to hear the STEM message, which I think is a shame..

What I tend to say to both of them is that they need to find what they love – or at least enjoy – otherwise they'll hate doing it day in day out. I also say they should be prepared to do more than one career during their very long working lives, so there's nothing totally final about their first choice. It's not like my parents/grandparents, who were sticking it out for the final salary pension...

I think it depends on privilege.

If you're rich, then the kids can afford to be an " artist" or "novelist", and it doenst matter if they fail, cos they have the financial security of mum and dad to fall back on.

I'm from working class roots, I have to work hard even if I hate my job. I havent been able to earn enough to protect my kids from that, so I do try and push them to do well in school.

Short answer is yes. It's all about creating the building blocks for happiness. In order to earn well, they need to achieve good grades. Good grades will open their options for universities and courses. A good degree will enable a fast start for a career, which in turn will lead to earning more money more quickly. This leads to lower financial stress, more options for fun and sparkle.

It slightly depends on whether you have boys or girls tbh.

I was raised with the idea that you prioritise finding something you enjoy and that fits around your life and that is the best route to happiness. My parents pushed me to achieve but they emphasised that ultimately it was more important to have an interesting and rewarding job than one which pays incredibly well. In general I still hew towards this view: I think its very important to enjoy what you do.

The older I get, though the more I realise that the ability to make money is perhaps more important for girls, because I think its incredibly important that girls not be raised to think of making money as an afterthought. And because the default is often that men become the breadwinner in a marriage.

Girls have to be able to support themselves financially to avoid financial abuse and the trap of living off a man. If they choose to take some time off work to raise children and are with a man they trust, so be it, but it should never be the default that you raise girls in the expectation that they will derive their financial support from marriage.

So its easy to say people should place happiness over making money and as a general principle its true. But if that becomes an excuse to take your foot off the pedal and rely on someone else to do the financial heavy lifting its a bit of a slippery slope.

Yes absolutely this.
thinking of someone I know who says "oh I was never career minded and I can't understand why people would work full time when they have children", whilst pursuing her 3 or 4 hours a week "hobby" job.

Cunningly forgetting that her parents bought and furnished her a house and pay for her children to go to private school, thus enabling her family to have a good standard of living on a single salary.

Very easy to not care about money when you are given plenty of it!

I also do wonder whether the happiness versus money is a generational thing. In the 90s, we certainly got told to do what you love and everyone from teachers to doctors to university profs could afford a family home in London. By the time my siblings finished uni in 2010s - I think the message had changed. I only have boys, but they seem to quite enjoy humanities/social sciences though my whole family is in STEM. It made me wonder whether I need to push them more into STEM as that brings more money at the moment

It's part of a package. They knew we needed money to pay bills and if we had more we had more fun.
I steered them into areas they were good at and enjoyed, we talked about how to financially make the most of that, so they could have a house, car etc

One thing that I think is worth considering is that if you gun for a massive salary - and achieve it - then you can much more easily take the pedal off later.

I earned a big salary quickly (and my friend an even bigger one much more quickly) - now I'm aged 33, mortgage in a good place due to aggressive pay downs. I work PT, am retraining, and looking to take a 3 day role/set up my own business, selling lucrative skills.

I don't think that's the worst plan, though in my case it happened by accident. Use your twenties working hard and playing hard, and ease the pedal off thirties onwards.

I think you're right.

My generation (born early 70s, middle class family) was raised by parents who had probably the best set of economic circumstances ever known in this country. When my parents were working they could literally take their pick of any career they wanted. If you had a degree you had a golden ticket to anything you wanted to do. My mum didn't even have a degree and still ended up with a pucker job. My parents were obsessed with us finding "interesting" jobs, which was partly a status thing but also I think reflective of the environment at the time.

By the time I was looking for work in the early 90s with a not particularly stellar degree, things were MUCH harder and they are far harder now. It's not enough just to have a degree. You have to be much more focused about what you want if you want to make enough money to support yourself (certainly in the SE).

This will have a massive influence on the careers advice you give girls in particular. I wouldn't push my DD into doing something massively well paid if she hated it, but the bottom line is money is important, particularly for girls. Girls need to be able to support themselves. And I would be careful about supporting her to go into a very precarious career just because it was "creative" or "interesting" at dinner parties.

I think the message is different for girls because they have a biological clock- career changes and chasing the arts wasting a few years has a big knock on effect, less so for men