I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

The more of this thread I’ve read the more horrible this man sounds. This is the thin edge of the wedge OP, if you continue to have a life with this man and children (please don’t!) he will get worse and worse until you become a shell of yourself (it’s already starting). You should seriously think about getting out of this, selling the house (or he buy you out) and start afresh. Don’t stay with him just because you have a house together!

And, OP - on what basis was mortgage loan amount calculated? Bet it wasn't on your salary contributing such a high amount to household expenditure whilst he squirrels money away.

As one of the older posters here I have to say I truly despair at the way so many young women allow themselves to be treated.

It doesn’t seem fair that you’re paying out 45% of the mortgage and bills and he’s paying out 55% if he is on 4 times the amount.

My partner received inheritance from his grandad that passed away and paid the whole of our deposit and our mortgage payments and would never talk to me the way your partner talks to you, making you feel bad that he earns more or pays more bills.

It doesn’t sound like you are much of a team

He can’t expect you to pay £300 on Christmas presents either!

I do not think he is being fair expecting you to afford 3 holidays a year on 20K a year either

I think you should of nipped this in the bud ages ago

Question is do you want this to be your future?
You are still young.. give yourself a massive Christmas present and leave if he won't see your point of view and start treating you as an equal partner (with NO 'jokes')

I think the partner is very insensitive, but in terms of the mortgage, why would it be unreasonable to expect the OP to pay half of the mortgage when she would be eligible for half of the equity should they split? He should pay a larger portion of the other household expenses but not more of the mortgage unless he is legally entitled to a larger share of the home equity.

Would anyone suggest that if they should split, she should refuse to talk half of the equity because she contributed only 40% of the deposit and is paying slightly less of the monthly payments?

Leave him. You’d be better off single (emotionally and financially). Ensure you get what you’re entiIed to receive re. the house. Ask him to buy you out.

I sometimes can’t believe what I read on here. Relationships shouldn’t have to be so miserable. This is not normal. This is Financial Abuse.

Do not marry this man. Why on Earth would anyone want to be legally and financially tied to someone like him!??

Do not have children with this man. How is this set up going to work with children? It won’t, you will continue to be out of pocket
and like you, your children will also suffer.

My partner is the higher earner and, therefore, pays the most towards our bills. I work PT and take on almost all of the childcare and household responsibilities, so this is a fair split of our finances and labour. He’s also worked abroad during the week for lengthy periods over the years to enable us to have the lifestyle we now have. Our lifestyle (home, cars, holidays, etc) are based on our joint income.

He’s travelling more often for work again so I have to pick up the slack re. ALL school runs and caring for OUR children when he’s abroad for an average of 1-2 days per month. He’s currently been abroad for a week.

It was my partner’s idea to make up the difference between my Maternity Pay and my full salary each time I was on Maternity Leave, so I didn’t lose out financially.

My partner paid OUR children’s FT & PT private nursery fees and my car payments for several years to ensure that I was not financially penalised for bearing OUR children and reducing my working hours from FT to PT due to the arrival of OUR children.

As a Birthday gift, he’s just paid the deposit on my next car and will pay for most of the running costs. I will be ferrying OUR children around in this car and transporting loads of shopping around for US in this car.

Please leave him ASAP.

Work on yourself by getting some therapy before you embark on another relationship. Please look in the Freedom Program.

You are so young!

And you are in a perfect position, as you do not have any children with this sorry excuse of a man.

You can do this! Best of luck 🌟

Oh just leave him.
He’s an arsehole.
Those “jokes” are nasty, why would you want a boyfriend who is nasty to you?

My husband and I actually have quite a similar set of salaries - but I’m the high earner. Plenty of people on MN would berate me for our set up, but it works for us. Our finances are completely separate. But it’s a second marriage, no joint kids, nobody compromising career for the other… separate children at different lifestages. The important thing is we were both very clear on our approach before marrying, and happy. I’m sure some on MN would think I’m financially abusive for not having one pot, but on a thread once when I gave more detail, my husband was called a cocklodger 😉

It is a different situation, but my point is that my husband lives in my house completely for free - and I would never make a “joke” like that, because I don’t think like that. Your boyfriend is an arsehole.

The ‘jokes’ are spiteful and full of contempt, OP. They don’t come from someone who loves you. In our family I’m the main earner atm and fully cover the mortgage and some other bills, about 3-4 times as much as my husband - but we were in a different situation before, and NEVER either of us had uttered anything like those ‘jokes’ or pushed the one earning less to contribute above their means. He is humiliating you and you are just swallowing that. It’s not about what you earn, it’s about self-respect. You are living with someone who doesn’t respect you.

Please get some self respect and either start living as proper partners i.e. fair and equal, or leave him.

He is treating you like a casual girlfriend who is kindly sharing the mortgage and keeping his costs down - not as a long term partner.

However on the plus side if you were renting or house sharing it would probably cost you this anyway, and this way if you split you might well get some equity-

On the other aspects of life I would just be right to the point and say you can't afford expensive presents or 3 holidays- so if he wants those holidays then he needs to be paying for both of you. I wouldn't get pregnant and see how things go- if he doesn't get the hint and carries on being tight and has ludicrous expectations then I would dump him and take the equity - and at a point that suits you.

The partner sounds awful generally, if you don't pay half of the mortgage I am sure he will try and claim you don't have a half share of the house because he has been covering the mortgage payments. Hope the house is in joint names and there is an express declaration of trust on the transfer.

I fear @Jessiejines has stopped listening a long while ago...

She'll be back in a few year's because her 'DP' expects her to continue to pay 45% of everything while she is on maternity leave, while she has paid for everything for the baby out of her meagre wages.

THIS

If you out in £8K and he put in £12K then you put in 40% of the deposit so a fairer split of the mortgage would be 60/40 - which would mean you paying between £520 -£560 per month ( depending on if the mortgage is £1300 or £1400)

But really if you are moving in together with a view to marriage and starting a family then it should all be joint money regardless of who earns what. His "jokes" are deeply unpleasant and if you were my daughter I'd be begging you to leave.

This is not a partnership - please do not ahve children with this horrible man.

30 years ago I sold my house and moved abroad to marry my husband. I wasnt working then but had full access to his earnings and there was no question of "his" money and mins - it was all "ours" and thats how we've navigated 3o years of marriage. I now realise I was pretty naive and I would advise my younger self differently but ultimately if you are a partnership then everything is shared equally regardless of who's putting in what.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money

He thinks he owns your salary too OP - he's so controlling and these "jokes" are emotional manipulation into doing what HE wants (going away on holidays you can't afford even though you don't even particularly want to). talk about taking the piss- you would be advised to ditch a family member or friend who was doing this to you, why on earth you should put up with it from a "partner" (hah!) is beyond me.

i hope you get out with just the house to split up legally - marraige, children massively complicate things and you WILL need to extricate yourself from this relationship sooner or later.. look at the Relationships board and you'll be there in a 5 years, but a lot more emotionally and financially abused by this awful man.

Not really they own the house 50/50 even though he paid more deposit .

What sort of stingy arsed "man" quibbles over 4k in the deposit when hes earning 4 times what she is.

My God OP, run away. You can do so so much better.

Sorry I'd missed that they own it 50/50. I was trying to make the point that it is unreasonable of the partner to expect OP to contribute 50% of the mortgage cost when she is earning so much less and that a fairer split of the mortgage cost would be on which reflects the deposit share.

Ideally the partner would be paying much more as he earns much more. However I think the whole situation is appalling and OP should seriously look at leaving, selling the house, getting her £8K back and a 50% share of any equity accrued. He is a ghastly abusive individual.

Get your own digs in

'I could go on three holidays next year with you if you weren't ripping me off with the bills couldn't I you tight arse, hahahaha' play him at his own game.

Don't price match him on gifts either, fair isn't always equal, and whilst he is feeling absolutely no consequences for being a miser, he will carry in, you're tying yourself in knots to make sure he can have the life he wants, stop it, its not worth your sanity.

The best thing you could do is talk to him, try and make him see things from your perspective, if he doesn't then its time to cut your losses and leave him.

Please, don’t have children with him. He’s abusive.

Echoing the rest... please don't have children with this man. Will he ever marry you?

Don’t ask - tell him. I earn a quarter of what you do, and most if my money is going on the house, so Christmas presents will be less this year.
i cannot afford to go on these many holidays , one holiday and a city break in a 3 star.
these jokes have to stop - either you live to my standard, or you need to be happy to contribute more. I’m fine either way. But do not hold this over my head.

and next time he says you can’t afford the house without him… you are right. I cannot. So we can either buy a cheaper house, I can move out, or you stop with this sh.. either we are partners, or we are not

Has he asked you to marry him? Red flags everywhere.

Out of interest what is his view on marriage?