I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

OP he is rinsing you because he is a controlling, selfish, tight fisted class A user. My ex was EXACTLY like this. Expected 50/50 even though he warned £90k and I £23k with 2 kids to support. I even did the calculations based on our earnings of the percentage we should both pay to our outgoings, holidays and nights out and he said it still wasn’t fair as he ‘worked harder than me’. But he expected holidays and expensive gifts at Christmas etc. He’d say he shouldn’t have to pay more than 50% as it wasn’t his fault I didn’t earn more and mine because it was my choice ‘I didn’t choose to be a CEO’ and therefore earn more.

It was a joyless life, every penny accounted for, he even ended up wanting me to pay for my share of heating when I stayed with twice a month!

This man is profiting from you, he is better off financially because of you & on top of that is belittling you! You are in effect finding a nice lifestyle for him whilst you suffer financially.

My god OP, leave this awful specimen.

He sounds like a dick. Don’t whatever you do have children with him. He’ll push you back out to work as soon as the baby falls out & make you foot the nursery bill for the privilege. Meanwhile he’ll be spending his money on weekends away & golf trips.

What a horrible man
he wasn't looking for a partner, he was looking for someone to bully
get out asap.

No. Being partners don’t share finances absolutely not. partners should pay bills,mortgage etc proportionally
Sharing finances is a dreadful idea don’t do it, don’t lose your autonomy
On mn sharing finances is one way traffic from a man to a woman, rarely see a well paid woman advised to share her monies with a lesser paid man

my husband and I have always contributed to the joint account in proportion to our incomes. But in reality when you become a long term couple your assets are joint. If he doesn’t see you as a family unit then it doesn’t bode well for the future sadly. My husband has never ever made any comment about the fact I earn less as it is irrelevant. We both work hard and clearly so do you. You are not a failure. You should be sitting down and planning your future. Every couple should be regularly talking about money and what their goals are and how you are going to get there together. None of this what is mine and what is yours.

@Jessiejines your partner is a ghastly though, he’s not listening and imposing his agenda on you. If he wants to spend like a Kardashian that’s his look out you’re not compelled to follow. He can’t instruct you what to spend. You need to be form and love within your own means. Don’t share finances with him btw

Have you let him know how you feel and how out of order his comments are? Can he not do maths and see that his lifestyle is wiping you out financially? He sounds like he is on a bit of power trip.

Absolutely keep finances separate, very much pursue my money is mine
sharing monies isn’t the bench mark of being a couple or harmony. It’s a tired tradition that needs to retired

He sounds awful and you’re dreadfully naive.

He is completely taking the piss here and you should not allow yourself to be taken advantage of. He earns the lion’s share, so should pay the lion’s share of the bills. Do some basic maths.

Nothing worse than a person who’s mean with money, so I hope he has redeeming qualities.

Op, having read all the responses, do you honestly think that you are with someone who is a true partner and you can share children with?

If he insists on you spending beyond your means now, what will life look like if you have children (and are unmarried, as I assume he has never mentioned marriage?)

When I met my DH (of many years) we had similar jobs/basic salaries, but he was able to earn overtime, plus lived in a cheaper area than me (about 20 miles apart). He had thus built up a significant amount of equity in his house.

When we got engaged, we put both houses on market. He sold first, and had enough equity to clear my mortgage. He did this before we got married (albeit only a few weeks) but didn’t ask to be put on deeds, as mine was on market too. Looking back, that was risky for him, but he didn’t give it a second thought. That to me is the mark of a loving partner. Totally different to your partner.

When my house sold and we bought our first house together, we bought mortgage free - virtually all of that money came from him. He has never once joked about it, thrown it back in my face etc, made me feel guilty. We were married then, expecting first child, a team and have had joint finances ever since. I have had some inheritance/windfalls over the years, so things have evened out. All money has always gone into a joint pot.

Incidentally, we never spent £300 on each other at Christmas in early days, even though we could. We do occasionally now, eg a new phone or iPad, but usually only if something needs replacing.

I hope you can see from this thread that your partner is not a loving, kind person, and things will only get worse. Please do not get yourself into debt for him, he really isn’t worth it.

I am so confused reading this OP. Is there an age gap as well as it sounds like there is a lot of inequality in this partnership (not just to do with £££).

Are you actually happy? Because this sounds like you are trapped. You can be single and you can buy a property on your own and you are allowed opinions you know!

He sounds absolutely insufferable and I can see a future playing out where you have kids, give your everything and he then dumps you when he has his head turned later on life and you are stuck penniless because you gave up work to be a SAHM and his job was sooooo important and he was sooooo busy.

Sorry to be so blunt and its very easy for me from behind a keyboard but you really need to advocate for yourself, stop letting his unfunny jokes brainwashing you and choose Your life to live how You want it.

For the love of god do not have children with him!

You will tie yourself to him for life and if you think things are bad now, wait until you have kids and he's expecting you to pay for everything they need! And if you think he'll step up as a father and do school runs, ever be off when they're ill and so on you are fooling yourself. He'll be the big important man with the big important man job and all things house and child will be left to you.

And if you are daft enough to have kids with him, do not give up your job or if you're daft enough to still want to have kids with him and daft enough to plan to give up your job after they're born for god's sake at least get married before you agree to conceive because this has got shitshow written all over it!

My friend was due to marry and move in with a man who earned a very high wage. They were in the process of buying a house and she was contributing fairly. He held his money over her all the time and then once said ‘you’re just with me for my money!’ She walked out and is now married to a much lovelier man. She’s very proud and always fair with money.

He sounds awful. Do not have children with this man.

Just buy what you can afford for Christmas, it's not relevant, but definitely talk about splitting the bills fairly. 45 vs 55% when he makes x4 what you do, is unfair.

I just read this out to my husband and the first thing he said was:"So THEY earn £100k"- when I told him he expected things split he said "bail!".

Got to say, I totally agree - I understand your need for feeling more 'equal', totally get it, but the disparity between wages here just doesn't allow for that and I suspect the mortgage amount has been largely based on his higher wage, meaning it's not affordable for you unless the money split is more in line with what you both earn. Don't forget, a bank expects a pooling of income to some extent, which is how they decide how much to lend for a mortgage - they don't expect your partner to be pushing you to your financial limits.

When people are in a partnership, it's a joint income - I don't think it should be any other way, to be honest. You are with someone to be on an even keel together, to thrive together, and to support each other. If he lost his job tomorrow the responsibility would fall to you and you can bet your arse he would let you do it, too.

I couldn't be with someone like that and you're either going to have a real, serious talk or leave. It's not sustainable to live the way you are, you're mentally in a bad place because of it.

Leave him. Split the house. Do not under any circumstances have a baby with him.

Well they could if their poorer partner was heavily subsidising them. You are the person enabling his lifestyle because you are paying so much of your money towards it !

Those expensive presents he buys you? YOU are the one paying for them. The holidays? OOPS , you again.

Totally agree with @viques - you need to change your thinking on this, OP.

It's easy for me to say sat behind a screen, but your partner sounds uncaring and horrible, frankly. I would really, really think again about having children with him.

Knock the jokes on the head. Very rude and inappropriate. I make more than double my dh and I have never, ever made any comment or 'joke' related to our different financial realities. It would be such a snide, superior and dreadful thing to do. The insults (it is only a joke if it is funny and it is NOT funny, it is snarky and so mean spirited) tell you what he's thinking. And what he's feeling isn't good! I'd have a very frank conversation with him. Has he a problem with what you earn? Does he think 50:50 is fair? Why? If he lost his earning power tomorrow, if situation reversed, how would he want things to be? Listen carefully to his answers and then consider your future. EVERYTHING gets harder with kids. Now is the time for ground rules, when you are still so young and you can still walk away relatively easily. Honestly, I HATE how people who earn more wield it like a weapon. Money is one small part of what people bring to a relationship but people treat it like having more of it makes you the almighty. Earning more doesn't give you the right to be a dick and it most definitely doesn't make you some sort of prize or make up for other deficiencies. Maybe he should think about that. What else does he bring to the relationship, other than cash, sneering and stress? Good luck.

You need to split your outgoing so they are proportionate to your income. You pay 1/5 and he pays 4/5. A partner wouldn't allow you to live pay check to pay check while they have 3 holidays a year. Read up about financial abuse. Also don't have kids with this guy. You'll be trapped without a Perry to get out.

This is just awful. The partner should either not expect you to live a lifestyle you can't afford or at least be willing to pay for the holidays (and never make any jokes about it). Maybe you need to have an open talk about it and he insists you pay or carries on making horrible jokes at your expense, I don't see how it's sustainable in the long run...

My long term partner initially earned more than me but "lowered" his spending (on things like going out etc...) so it wasn't more than I could afford (not going on expensive holidays or nights out etc) . Now that I earn way more than him and we can afford it, we have just carried on with our frugal ways because we're used it (haha) and save a lot of money as a result...

He should be treating you for those expensive holidays, if he doesn’t he’s a tw-t. My advice would be to find a better job and a better boyfriend.

If things are like this now when you are young, employed, healthy and child-free then please think carefully about your future with this man.

A longterm partnership can include all manner of things like illness, periods of unemployment, pregnancy, raising kids etc etc. Ideally when it comes to those things you want to be secure in a relationship where you are a unit and where you support each other without question.

If he's resentful now I dare not imagine how he would be if you were not earning and looking after a baby for instance. Would you be able to buy what you need? Clothe your baby without feeling guilty?

I actually believe some people are not really capable of being "all in" financially (or emotionally for that matter). These might be fine boyfriends / girlfriends etc but probably not the type to fully share your life with.

As many have said this isn't about Christmas presents or 3 holidays a year its about you having a worthy partner

Your anxiety is sky high because your gut is screaming at you that you are with a nasty mean man.

You are absolutely out of your mind if you really think he loves you.

Not a chance does he.

If you think you are miserable now, add a child and experience living hand to mouth while he lives big.

He's the type that would expect you to pay your way during mat leave.

You have made a mistake, don't make it your life.

Forget the holidays and gifts.
Your relationship is over.

Start focusing on getting money together for your future.

Stop apologising for not earning enough.
Suggest a lodger if there is a spare room.

Who does the main cleaning?
Is it you?

Men like him love a skivvy to pay her way.

Sell the house, do not allow him to rip you off, because he will try.

This is not a good man.

He's awful but the truth is it is only a drop in the ocean to just how awful he would be if you had children with him.

Thereon lies true misery.

MN is full of similar tales of men with fine clothes, lifestyles, hobbies, while their partner can't afford a haircut while she tries to care and feed her children.

These men are abusers who just aren't hitting you.

Tell family and friends the truth.