I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

How do people manage a large disparity of income if finances are kept separate?

If one earns 5x the other and you try to do 50/50, you’ve got to live within the means of the lower earner. That would leave the higher earner with tons of spare money - and if it were me, I would want to spend at least some of it on nice things, because life is for living, and save up a good nest egg to cushion against what life might throw at you, And I can’t imagine feathering my nest like that and living a £100K lifestyle some of the time without my partner, if our joint lifestyle was a £40K one.

Even if expenses were shared proportional to income, the higher earner will have lots more spare money - to either spend on themselves or save.

As PP have said, please don't have children with this selfish arse. You will end up scrimping for childcare out of your money while he buys himself whatever he wants

How you've managed to stop from quoting your income and outgoings when he talks about three holidays a year, is completely beyond me. "My monthly take home is x, my inputs to the mortgage and bills is y, that leaves me z. I'd be lucky to be able to afford one holiday a year you plonker."
Making it about how many holidays is normal is deflecting the real issue here.
Anyway he sounds miserable- will he be ordering the steak whilst you nurse spaghetti carbonara, I very much think so.

Do not get pregnant with this man please, even if he offers to marry you and has an apparent change of heart, he's financially mean and won't change.

Your total household income is £100k of which your income is 20%.
Your contributions for household expenditure should be 20%
He is getting richer at your expense. You are supposed to love each other and want the best for both of you - not just him.
If you talk to him and he cannot see this you must end it. And bloody well sell house and take 50% share - you've been paying it after all.
Fingers crossed he sees what a selfish git he has been. If not, get out and do not procreate with him or you'll be cap in hand asking for £ to buy their food/clothing.

Apologies if this has been said on the thread already, but it seems that he is equating putting in more money to the house with him being more generous than you, when in fact, the reverse is true. And I think you are perhaps also getting caught up in this narrative?

Is he kind? Respectful? Considerate?

If the answer is no, you have plenty of time to get out OP and find a kinder life.

I left my ex husband 6 months after we bought a house. I was 29. It was the best decision I ever made.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Listen to me OP, if you plan on staying with him: before you have children with him you need to get married.

And you need to keep your job, perhaps going down to 2 days a week if you want to, even if with childcare you run at a loss. Got it? Get married! Keep the job!

Otherwise, you will end up being a SAHM ("it just makes sense, I earn x4 what you do, no sense in paying for childcare...."), the jokes will continue, he will start refusing money to pay for you to have your hair done etc, and you will have to leave. You'll have been unemployed for a while and will find it hard to get back to work with no support. At least married you can walk away with some of the money that you have enabled him to accumulate by providing childcare, and with the job you can up your hours and support yourself.

Get out of there. Seriously. And do not get pregnant.

You're not married. You have zero protection here. And he's pretty much insisting through his 'jokes' (which aren't jokes) that you subsidize his higher salary by paying pretty much half of everything, and instead of saving money, like he's able to do, he wants you to spend it all to go on holidays with him.

Hard no. He doesn't care as much about you as you think.

This.

My husband and I contribute to our household equitably and if there's a month I don't hold up my share, it's no biggy, he makes it up.

You're supposed to be a team. I don't think he views this relationship as a partnership.

This isn't normal in a healthy relationship/marriage.

What a horrible horrible man you have there. He seems to take delight in pointing out how well off he is compared to you whilst squeezing you for every penny.
He’s nasty OP.
I honestly would be divorcing him for this and most certainly wouldn’t be having kids with the tight bastard.
You sound lovely.

You know those aren’t jokes, right?
they’re red flags that should have you running for the hills!!

His behaviour is inconsiderate and frankly kind of deranged. You can’t afford those things?! You just can’t?! People who earn 20k don’t go on 3 holidays a year and if he wants to he will have to pay your share. It’s basic maths.

Your anxiety is sky high because your gut is screaming at you that you are with a nasty mean man.
I agree. Your subconscious knows it's not right.

He's an arsehole, he is not your 'partner'

Does he do housework?

Food advice but the bottom line is Do Not have children with this condescending asshole, period.

Imagine how he'd gaslight and guilt his vulnerable offspring??

I’m I’d tell him he’s a selfish git then leave him.

@C1N1C

I am not here to be supported by my wife and it shouldn't be vice versa.

I’m pretty sure the law is that married couples have an obligation to financially support one another, should that become necessary (e.g. one not able to work)

If one partner contributes more, then the other starts to get lazy, complacent and abuses them.

That is absolutely not a given - it’s about the relationship of the particular couple.

I’ve been married 22 years, we have both had periods of not working or when one earned more than the other. No laziness or complacency here - we discussed the circumstances and agreed how we would handle them. Joint finances make that easier in practice. I’m the one who keeps an eye on the money - I just tell DH from time to time if we need to cut back or can afford to splash out. He accepts it, because he trusts me.

"I'm 28 and I just feel a massive failure."

to quote you above OP, I might have missed it but how old is your partner?
However old he is the fact that he has not picked up on the fact that you "feel a massive favour" is a large enough red flag to dump him and dump him quickly.
Whatever you do don't have kids with him, if you ever get divorced he is the type of person to expect you to pay for the kids out of your salary whilst he romances his new love interest on his much higher salary. A tale as old as the hills.

Um something isn't right here. My DH makes four times more than me and he pretty much takes on most of the financial burdens in our life, includinf paying for holidays for the both of us. He can do it comfortably whereas I can't. It makes no sense why you're being made to keep up with him. He actually sounds quite mean speaking to you like he does.

I think you need to speak to him about how awful he's being. He isn't being considerate towards you.

I’m pretty sure the law is that married couples have an obligation to financially support one another, should that become necessary (e.g. one not able to work) @PuzzledObserver No that’s not true. No compulsion to share monies or support when married. It’s a convention not a compulsion

Shells on the Beach
How is what they do as a job relevant to the situation?Mortgage companies and banks don't give discounts based upon the social value of their jobs. Generally, the career path that you choose determines the lifestyle that you live.

@DarkShade Yes, women need to keep their autonomy if they marry and try to keep working BUT why are you advising this poster to marry a man who treats her so badly?

Rather than telling her to make a bad relationship slightly better in financial terms, if they marry/ have kids/ split up, you should be telling her to run for the hills!

@Jessiejines You are worth so much more than this. It's not a partnership.

Couples who earn unequal amounts do not behave like your bloke.

They sit down and discuss what to do with their income, for the benefit of both of them.

During my career, I worked part time, earning between £10K- £18K pa depending on my work.

(I was highly qualified but in a low-paying profession and that income was working 2.5 days.) It suited us as we had no family to do childcare.

DH eventually earned over £100Kpa, with company car, perks etc.
There was never any argument over money and he paid for the bulk of everything. I saved my income as a nest egg/ rainy day fund for us.

Hmm I don’t much like the sound of him. He sounds thoughtless and mean. Personally I’d be seriously thinking about ending this relationship as it would be less stressful just living within my own salary even if it is a lot less than his.

This person is not a partner. Does he even like you?! He’s squirrelled away £15k because you are funding his lifestyle.

You can’t even have a conversation about this without him making ‘jokes’ and it is upsetting you.

This is not a relationship. This is a man with a woman he’s browbeaten into accepting his shit so he is never out of pocket and (I’d imagine) never inconvenienced either.

This is not normal and my genuine advice would be to break up, sell the house and have some counselling to explore why you think acceptance of this way of living is you being boring.

Oh and he said one thing to get you to commit to buying a house and the minute you were committed he went back on his word and started to mock you.

He is a liar.

He is utterly dishonest and dishonourable.

He was just waiting until you committed to show you what a nasty man he is, delighting in demeaning and humiliating you.

You have made a huge mistake buying with him, but now you how who he really is, dump him.

I suspect you have been ignoring lots of little red flags up to this.