I'm so much poorer than my partner :(

[Jessiejines]

We've been together for 5 years and we moved in together last year and since we've bought a house together, it's really highlighted to me how poor I am compared to him.

Partner earns around £80,000 a year. I earn around £20,000.

Christmas is coming up and I'm stressing about affording presents, whereas he's not bothered. I've asked him whether we can have a limit on how much we spend on each other this year (around £80-100) as I can't afford the usual £300 we spent before buying a house. He said he still wants to spend around that much but it's stressing me out because I'm trying to budget for Christmas but after paying my share of the mortgage and then buying some presents ready for Christmas, I'm finding I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

This time of year always stresses me out. I love Christmas but I hate the expectation of spending loads :(

He's planning about 3 holidays next year and I just can't afford this but he keeps telling me I can. I tell him the average person is would not go on 3 holidays so we don't need to.

I feel I can't save money as everything seems to be about spending money but now we have a mortgage, I can't just throw money about everywhere.

It's all keeping me up at night :(

Simple answer to this. Just start saying no.

What are you getting me for christmas? Nothing
Where should we go on holiday? Nowhere
Do you fancy a takeaway? No

If you cant afford stuff, he is oblivious to it and its making you feel bad then stop getting involved. TBH it sound madness you bought a house together with such financial missunderstandings. He sounds like a dick and it wouldnt surprise me if he refused to marry you to 'protect' his money.

FYI my own relationship has been the same financial disparity as your own for over 30yrs with me the higher earner. I havent once regarded a penny of that money as my own and would be horrified to see my partner feeling the way you do.

Not read past the first page, but this man is a total joker.

He is not a "partner", but a taker.

Sell the house and split up.

What’s the bet he’s not so militant about 50/50 when it comes to housework and cooking…

Op, my partner is very wealthy. He has never made me feel as if I'm lacking in any way because I don't have as much money as him. Early in our relationship he told me that he enjoyed a day out with a picnic that I organised as much as I enjoyed a few days away at the Grand Prix funded by him. That I should never feel we weren't equals just because I couldn't afford to spend on our trips. I don't know if I'm explaining this well, but it's about feeling that the energy is good, that we are equal partners in life and money doesn't come into that. As our relationship became permanent he's made sure that I'm safe and secure, even if we were to split up... which I don't think will happen. I don't think your "partner" makes you feel safe and secure, and I think he's doing his best to make you feel inferior - while making sure you don't get a chance to build some financial security.
Get away from this. Take your share of the house, whether by selling or him buying you out, and build a new life. Get some legal advice now.

The only Christmas present you should be giving is to yourself and it should be the gift of leaving this tight fisted user.

Do not have children with him unless you want to be begging him for money for their necessities. No doubt if you stay home with them he will expect you to be pinching pennies (after all, in his view the financial contribution is the only one that counts) while he spends lavishly.

Perhaps read about the gender pay gap.

Someone who loves you doesn't make you feel crap about yourself, or make you lie awake at night worrying. In a good relationship there's no such thing as "mine" and "yours", it should be "ours".

I haven’t rtft but your first dd out of your account on payday is pension, then mortgage, savings, bills.

What’s left over after that because that’s where Christmas and holidays come from.

I’m guessing that you’re neglecting savings and pension, and your reason is do that you’re not the butt of someone’s jokes.

Think about that.

Have a look at Jordan Page on YouTube- you might have to brace yourself because she’s very full on, but she has some very solid advice on how to talk about money with your spouse, dividing up financial responsibilities in a household.

I’m having a knee jerk ltb moment at the idea of your partner’s jokes, but if you’ve been together 5 years I’ll assume he has done redeeming qualities and that maybe you both need to learn how to communicate about money. It’s a hard topic for most couples to discuss.

His "jokes" aren't funny. They are a tool to demean you. To make you feel less than. Imagine what he'll be joking about if you have kids with him. Honestly, I would end the relationship. You are not partners.

You made a biggest mistake when bought a house with him. There is no future with this men. But I don't think you understand that...
Reality will hit you very hard as soon as you will be pregnant and will receive only Maternity pay.
Run. Now.

I totally understand your own feelings of wanting to pay your way, particularly if you have been financially independent and careful with money up till now. It can bring up all sorts of negative feelings and insecurities when you feel you are dependent on someone else. But if you have taken on a joint mortgage based on his higher earnings, it is only fair that you pay proportionately rather than equal amounts. It also means decisions have to be joint about how much money is spent on luxuries and that clearly isn't the case.

He needs to know how you feel about the comments he makes too, however much they might seem like a joke to him, they clearly aren't to you and this sounds like he has little understanding of the sacrifices you are making or how you might be feeling.

When it comes to holidays, he needs to pay for things that he wants to do. So I would expect him to pay the bulk of the extra holidays. I am with you, one holiday a year is perfectly normal and not boring.

Christmas - no way should he be allowed to dictate what you spend on him or on anyone else! Of all things that feels deeply unfair. It isn't as if he needs expensive presents earning £80k.

Please think about your long term future. I was in a similar relationship in my early 30s, with our friendship group earning similar or more than my ex. My ex expected me to pay my own way for going out, holidays etc and he paid the mortgage (always in his name we never married) while I paid. Wanting to be independent rather than being supported by my partner I willingly went along with it.

Long after we split this continues to have repercussions. I wasn't able to build up decent savings and have scraped by ever since. Ex and friends have all retired early, I will be working until pension age.

You should be paying proportionately, DH and I did this when we first moved in together, he earned a little more than me so the gap was much smaller.

I actually think protecting own specific deposits is fine though, it’s what’s advised to women on here all the time.

He doesn’t sound like a keeper though.

You're living off him? Now I've heard everything. Actually given the differences in your income and the amount you are both contributing to the joint pot, HE is living off you! No wonder he can afford 3 holidays a year and £300 for a Christmas present! Because you're paying more than your fair share to allow him to save.

You're 28. No way was I on £20,000 at that age. And no way I could have afforded a house or 3 holidays or to have any savings at your age. You sound like you are doing very well for being so young still.

If I'm understanding your finances correctly, you have £1500 in spends a month jointly. So this means you should be paying £300 and he should be paying £1200. And all joint holidays come from the joint account, so the level of contribution is the same and therefore only affordable if you can both afford it.

That said, someone so obsessed with money would drive me mad. You don't sound compatible long-term and I would be looking for an exit strategy. He can buy you out of the house at fair market rate.

This is not going to work long term. I have never understood couples that are not willing to support each other in a situation like this, he is not marriage material. If you ever have a baby with him and are on maternity leave, will he still expect you to pay half or thereabouts? If he doesn’t change dump him.

This is a great point too. When you're fit and well it's easy to assume you'll always be this way, but I couldn't be with somebody who I wasn't totally confident would support me financially if I fell ill.

Having a baby with him adds two points - firstly, the point of your reduced earning during maternity leave/maybe even not earning at all for a while. Secondly, in a 'normal' circumstance, pregnancy and childbirth is something you put yourself through acknowledging the small but real risk that it may come with complications and leave you with permanent consequences. These may well also affect your earning potential. How will he deal with that situation? Do you feel totally confident, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can rely on him? From what you've described, I wouldn't.

Sorry, I clearly can't read. You said your monthly contributions are currently £600 and £700. So your total joint expenses are £1300. So that means you should be contributing £260 and he should be contributing £1040.

Omg. He must be absolutely amazing in bed for you to put up with this treatment! Do you not deserve better? You sound lovely but need to tackle this now.

Ha also not listening when you say no or why you can’t or how it’s upsetting you.
he is trying to shame you into a reality you can’t perform to by saying you can save when you’ve repeatedly told him you can’t.or even don’t want to.
he’s dictating everything.

you sound like a really sensitive and lovely person op.and he just sounds like a really horrid man.
your clearly struggling here and I’m sorry for that.but he should be comforting you.helping you and easing that in any way he can.and I don’t just mean offering money I mean you just feeling supported,cared for and loved.

are you happy with him?

He has the right to keep all of his money, which will mean that he will always have a lot more money than you. And judging from his attitude now, that won’t change if/when you have children. While you have the right to accept it or to say sod that. Personally I wouldn’t live like that. He sounds like a casual boyfriend, not a partner.

He's an arsehole.

LTB.

I think that before we all judge this man you need to have an honest conversation with him about the situation. You need to spell out the difficulties of keeping up with him. You need to point out the unfairness of how you split the bills and how much disposable income this leaves you both with. You need to explain how "my money " and "your money" as a concept makes planning for children at any stage impossible.
It may be that it is your pride and insistence on paying your way that had caused this situation and it may be he is not tight at all!

I don’t understand why he’s jokily shaming you for this. Most couples can’t afford a house without each other, single people really struggle to buy.

From your current set up it sounds like he also can’t afford the house without you - if he could (and sustain his lifestyle) why is he forcing you to put in so much money?? You’re paying nearly half the bills on a quarter of his salary so you’re managing your money much better than he is and proportionally contributing much more - I don’t think he’s the Billy big bollocks he thinks he is.

I’d think long and hard about having children with this man, if he’s not generous and fair with money now do you want to be the main caregiver limiting your future earnings for a while and financially relying on him?

Oh@Jessiejines I am so glad that you're seeing the bigger picture now and realising how unhealthy this relationship is. He's materialistic and controlling, and he's using the difference in your earnings to humiliate and belittle you. This won't change, it'll only get worse. You can't live your life like this. You're worth more

So please have a good, hard think about this relationship and walk away. And please, as others have said, DON'T GET PREGNANT! This sort of controlling, emotional abuse typically escalates once there's a baby on the way.

Wishing you the best of luck and all the strength you need

Sell the house and move on with your life without him.