Boyfriend keeps talking about being good

[Sallyshillyshallydilly]

Just a silly turn of phrase I think - he’s never made me feel infantilised or similar in daily life.

sometimes if I ask him for something or suggest we should do something he’ll make a comment like “if you’re good” with a playful emoji. Or will say “don’t be naughty”…

Context is that in real life he’s respectful and kind etc etc, we definitely are equals and he’s never given me any reason not to think this - it is a new relationship though of 2 months. It’s absolutely not a bdsm or control / power thing. Lol.

Would anyone be troubled by this or just a silly / flirty joke over message? Just musing.

I think if in context he's generally respectful and has given you no other reason to feel like he's undermining you and treats you well then it sounds like he's just joking and I wouldn't take that to heart. If it really bothers you then just say that to him.

Sounds weird but he’s a lot taller than me and protective physically - checks up on me to make sure Im ok when we’re out, which I really like. I guess this is the only thing that contributes to the suggestion of an imbalance in power and / or strength. Just want to confirm I’m overthinking this as obviously I don’t feel threatened or anything. Just protected but I guess the above turns of phrase can feel oddly, I don’t know, authoritative? Even meant playfully

My first thought is that it's a clumsy attempt at flirting. Does he only do it by text?

Thanks both, that’s really helpful. Yeah only in messages!

I think it’s weird that you think this is weird. Have you ever not got something you were promised because you ‘weren’t good’?

I wouldn't mind it occasionally but it would get on my nerves if it was repeated regularly.

Don't see it as a red flag within the context you have given. Just annoying.

I think he's clumsily hoping it will turn into sexy texts with however you respond 🤷🏻‍♀️

If my dh said 'hope you're bring good' my reply would be 'never' with a winking emoji. I think you might be reading more into it than there is.

Run.

@Ihatethenewlook ok thanks. You think I’m being weird for asking? Not sure why.

It's probably something that was said to him and he's just musing with you

Although it sounds innocuous I think combined with the fact that you have a weird gut feeling to the extent that you are posting about it on here, it is not something you should just dismiss as harmless. I'd be quietly alert to any other possible red flags. Never ignore your gut.

Always trust your instincts.

I'd be quietly alert to any other possible red flags. Never ignore your gut.

This ^

It could be inoocent or an attempt at flirting or it could be the beginning of him building up your tolerance to being infantilised and disempowered.

Coercive control usually starts off very gently with something that doesn't feel quite right in the context of an otherwise lovely relationship. It escalates very gently and the victim's tolerance for it escalates with it because its never very different from what has gone before.

I think the fact that you are asking means that something doesn't feel right for you. It wouldn't cross my mind that someone was initialising me or that it was an imbalance of power. I think he's probably just trying to be funny and it's a bit cringe.

Either there's a reason you're looking for signs of an imbalance of power/infantilising
in this relationship or your gut is trying to tell you something.

Either have a conversation with him how you are not 5, and he is not Father Christmas (ie nip it in the butt now), or start doing it to him.

Nip it in the butt 🤭

Not since I was about ten. 🙄

I think you are never going to have a happy relationship with ANYONE if this is the sort of thing that's bothering you 😬

You don’t like it so tell him to stop saying it.

Have you told him you don’t like it OP? That would be an idea.

It would really bug me. Infantilising but also makes him sound really thick. I would tell him not to say it any more because I don’t like it and see if he follows through.

I'm with the OP - it's a childish and infantilising thing to say. I wouldn't like someone saying this to me at all. Who is supposed to be the judge of if the OP has been 'good' or 'bad'? Horrible.

I've been with my husband for 17 years, he is the nicest guy you could ever meet, but he always does this. It's just his clumsy attempt at being flirty and cheeky. Never at any point has he ever made me feel awkward or controlled.

Just take it for what it is. If he's genuinely a lovely guy then just bat it away if you don't like it.

What do you honestly feel about it? If it makes you laugh or turns you on then go with it, if not tell him it makes you feel a bit awkward.

Not everyone who makes little comments has an ulterior motive or wants to control you. Some men just watched bad porn as teens and think women like it said to them. He won't know you don't like it unless you tell him. x

A bit icky but wouldn’t strike me as sinister