Boyfriend keeps talking about being good

[Sallyshillyshallydilly]

Just a silly turn of phrase I think - he’s never made me feel infantilised or similar in daily life.

sometimes if I ask him for something or suggest we should do something he’ll make a comment like “if you’re good” with a playful emoji. Or will say “don’t be naughty”…

Context is that in real life he’s respectful and kind etc etc, we definitely are equals and he’s never given me any reason not to think this - it is a new relationship though of 2 months. It’s absolutely not a bdsm or control / power thing. Lol.

Would anyone be troubled by this or just a silly / flirty joke over message? Just musing.

It would make my vagina clamp shut at approximately the speed of light.

This. I wouldn't see it as a "red flag" or sinister, just utterly cringeworthy and a turn-off.

All of the above just goes to show how different we all are.

what some think is ‘idk’ some think as a funny/flirty joke.

So with this one- I’d say there’s no right or wrong, just what you personally feel about it.

i like to have a joke with my DH. I’d feel the ‘ick’ of he had no sense of fun.

My DH used to talk about me being a "good girl" in bed sometimes. And sometimes out of bed too. I'm now trying to leave the arsehole. Make of that what you will :) (so sample size of 1 says yes = red flag!)

Absolutely bizarre that you find this even the least bit strange. Think he’s in for a rough ride 🤦🏽‍♀️

That very emoji would give me the ick.

It’s obviously something which some people like. However you don’t like it so ask him to stop it. I would absolutely hate it if my DH spoke to me like this, I’m not a child and he’s not my dad.

After only 2 months? You're going to be well and truly sick of this game by the time 4 months is up.

Seriously though, there is something a bit "off" about it. It's framed as a joke but it's persistent and you're connecting it with size and protectiveness and authority. There's starting to be an adult/child thing going on between the two of you. You might like the "protectiveness" but that easily can shift towards "control" and he shouldn't be asserting authority with you. So if you have a sense that's what's going on it's time to reset boundaries.

Personally I think he’s steering you in the direction of you being so naughty he gets to spank you, but if he’s genuinely only agreeing to non sexual things you want to do if you’re good then it’s weird.

You don't like it. Explain that to him. Ask him to respect your wishes and stop.

No need to analyse your objection. It's bugging you. Say no.

Bleugh... all sounds a bit "call me daddy" to me.

Yep.

Echoing a PP, it wouldn't really be a red flag but it would get on my nerves.

I had a boyfriend who wouldn't use my name, one the 1 or 2 occasions he did he was being serious. Instead he called me by stupid pet names. Think 'honey bunny' which became 'bunny' which became 'bun'. It really fucking started to annoy me & on top of lots of other things I got Irreversible Ick.
Be prepared for that if you've picked up on this already.

He might be into S&m , he testing you, just ask him directly

Oh! And that boyfriend was VERY insecure. He never quite tipped over into coercive control but I started to change my behaviour around him.

Pay close attention to what he says & does & if you start to have doubts, get out sooner rather than later.

Who you dating - father Christmas?

God, he sounds like Alan Partridge.

checks up on me to make sure Im ok when we’re out... I guess the above turns of phrase can feel oddly, I don’t know, authoritative?

In what way does he 'check up' on you? Does he 'check up' if you are with a group of girls, or suddenly appear if chatting to the lads? Is he okay with you going out with your mates? Is he fine with you visiting family?

I think the advice you have been given re his reaction if you tell him you don't like the phrase will tell you everything you need to know is spot on.

Sounds like he’s trying to be flirty to me… perhaps hoping the texts will turn into something ‘naughty’ 🙄

If that gives you ‘the ick’ , maybe it’s a sign this guy isn’t right anyway?!

Just ask him to stop and see how you feel

Lol me and the OH are always talking about being "good" or not, we're probably just weird and gross. If he does the hoovering for example, we make a joke about him having earned "one good-boy point that can be cashed in for a single grape". He'll say similar nonsense to me. I never felt troubled by it myself, but I suppose that's the point - my gut never felt like it was weird.

If he's your bf then just talk to him about it, if it bothers you.

It’s just a normal phrase?

it’s applied to food all the time, people talk about “being good” and having a salad, or “naughty” and having cake.

no one thinks there’s food BDSM going on, or it’s infantilising.

it pisses me off, but it’s entirely normal and I hear people talk in terms of being “good” and rewarding themselves all the time.

As pps have said, the phrases wouldn't give me the ick or be a red flag.

My partner and I are flirty/jokey all the time, and it's the sort of thing we say to each other.

However, also as previously mentioned, the 'protectiveness' is, for me, a major red flag. Been there, done that, with a 'gentleman' I dated briefly. It was the tip of a massive iceberg of (attempted) controlling behaviour.

I've known from our first date my partner would always have my back if I couldn't deal with any situation. He's only ever stepped in once, when a random man, who had been complimenting my hair, pulled my hair quite hard because he didn't believe it was real. (I've often wondered how the idiot would have felt if it had been a wig hiding baldness?)

Anyway, on that occasion, my partner stepped in because I was, literally, so taken aback I could not respond at all, far less appropriately.

Just reading your post gave me the ick. I think I'd need to end it 😂

Having “a superiority complex” IS a red flag for abuse.

My ex used to do this.... he'd say it mainly as we were saying goodbye or I was going out etc and would say "be good"

He was very insecure and I took it to mean don't speak to any other males or cheat.

There's a reason he's an ex.