Boyfriend keeps talking about being good

[Sallyshillyshallydilly]

Just a silly turn of phrase I think - he’s never made me feel infantilised or similar in daily life.

sometimes if I ask him for something or suggest we should do something he’ll make a comment like “if you’re good” with a playful emoji. Or will say “don’t be naughty”…

Context is that in real life he’s respectful and kind etc etc, we definitely are equals and he’s never given me any reason not to think this - it is a new relationship though of 2 months. It’s absolutely not a bdsm or control / power thing. Lol.

Would anyone be troubled by this or just a silly / flirty joke over message? Just musing.

Oh goodness these replies 🙄.
Nice bloke attempting a little flirtation and he's suddenly an abuser.
Only on MN.

I agree. I don’t like it. It is possible he’s testing your boundaries.

Just tell him you don't like those comments. You are allowed to not like things. And to express yourself.

I'd probably be taking it as flirty. However I've previously dated two men of different cultural backgrounds. And being 'a good girl' was seen as being a 'decent' girl one they could take home to mother. The comments were fine initially but got a bit annoying. Has he a very traditional upbringing?

This would give me major ick.

Me too.

If I said to my husband "lets go out for a meal" and he replied "if you're good".... I would tell him where he could go. It's not sexy, it's not flirting. I am not a child. Tell him you don't like it - you won't start liking it anytime soon will you?

Just say

"I don't really like the "if you're good" stuff" or similar

His reaction will tell you lots about his character:

• if he gets in a huff or tells you you're overreacting, and continues to do it, then that's information about him to take notice of
• if he seems taken aback but stops doing it, then that's more positive about him
• if he says "oh OK" and stops doing it, then that's great.

You're just learning about each other, testing each other out, it's a good opportunity to find out how he reacts to a no about something.

‘Context is that in real life he’s respectful and kind etc etc, we definitely are equals and he’s never given me any reason not to think this -’

So far…

… now you are checking your spidery senses with the MN Hive.

Just two months in & you are not quite sure about this charmless verbal tic.
Pay attention as you are two quips short of an ick.

Agree - cringey but not dodgy!

That would totally turn me off, as someone else said, it’s patronising and belittling
who does he think he is…

I would find that patronising and therefore extremely annoying and off putting.

Whether it's a "red flag" I don't know but if not it's just a bit cringey.

I'd hate it but that's because my ex used me "not being good" as a reason to not propose. Personally I would ask him to stop.

Same with mine, it's just his way. I find it funny tbh. He doesn't do it ALL the time just enough to not be annoying.

It's not awful but it's making me cringe. He's the sort who will buy you a treat if you're good
Personally I would shudder and have to mention it to him.

I think it sounds an it creepy and like an early sign of control. ‘Protective’ men is also a red flag for me, it can so easily turn into ‘aggressive towards other men’ at any (mis)perceived attention paid to you, before landing on accusing you of inviting attention from other men…

You are not weird by asking about it.
I wouldnt like it either, its kind of sickening. He is not in a position of judging you. I would probably question him why is he saying it and hope that he just doesnt really realise the meaning of what he says.

If it bothers you why don't you tell him? It would bother me. A lot. I would tell him it's not cute, infantilising and makes me feel like a 5 year old and to please change the tune.

And cringe.

It would give me the major ick . Ask him nicely to stop.

With the other stuff, being overprotective etc (for more personally) I would view it as a very tiny red flag that I would monitor whilst I get to know him.

I would like to assure myself that the protectiveness doesn’t turn into overbearing traits

My DP does something similar, he says “well done” sometimes in response when I tell him what I’ve been up to. I find it mildly patronising and told him that, but I’m also aware that’s just a phrase he uses commonly.

if it bothers you, bring it up and tell him how it makes you feel, then see where that takes you

YABU

I don’t think it’s anything to be worried about and there’s nothing sick or sinister about it, although it would annoy me a bit and I’d have to mention it in a very breezy way.
But some people are just a bit awkward with flirting.

I do think there’s a fine line between being aware of red flags and trying to find them.

However, I do believe in listening to your gut, so I would keep an eye out for anything else.
I honestly don’t think you’d start a thread if you didn’t feel uneasy in some way.

My friend dated a guy who would constantly call her a good girl during sex or sexual contact which gave her (and me) the ick.

You're reading it wrong

Can we go to Lakeland Saturday?
Only if you're good
Ooohhhh what do I get if I'm naughty 😉

Can we go to Lakeland Saturday?
Only if you're not naughty
I thought you liked it when I was naughty? 😉

I’m getting the ick. I’d watch out for more red flags tbh

I think its a bit creepy. I wouldnt like it. But up to you.