Feel a bit judged by this mum

[locomelons]

I have a 3 year old DS and a 6 month old DD. I have met a mum who has a 6 month old DD as well.

We go for coffee sometimes.

Recently the topic of weaning came up and I showed her a video of me feeding my first baby his first few mouthfuls from a silver spoon. She remarked if that was OK, because it was metal. I have plastic spoons as well, but this particular time I used this silver spoon that was gifted to us. No harm done. Minor comment.

Then it came up again and she said how she was going to do all the baby led weaning stuff and absolutely no way any fruits until all veggies had been tried. All this stuff about it being so unhealthy etc, to let your baby try an apple first is wrong.

I weaned my first successfully with a slightly different approach. I didn't do baby led weaning and also started with baby rice and fruit and then slowly onto other stuff. I can say that my first baby definitely didn't prefer sweet stuff or anything. I've tried a similar approach with my second and actually, she prefers veggies at the moment and tends to eat more and be more eager on broccoli, rather than banana.

My friend was again pointing out how that's not how you should wean etc. it's better to do all the veggies etc. she fears her DD will grow up and only want to eat junk food. I said I think it's normal for me, once they're toddlers, that they have the occasional ice cream and treats, in moderation. She's seen my older son eat ice-cream when she went out for a meal. So she said, well if you don't even let them try it, then they won't know it. Like how goes XX know he loves ice cream so much, you must have let him try it at some point ?

It's minor, but I didn't really appreciate it and now feel a bit self conscious about what I give my older son in front of her. I understand her point, but I really think for my children, they'll be allowed to have occasional treats and it's completely OK. I'm not going to deprive them of this stuff, as it sounds like she plans to. I'm not judging her approach, but she's judging mine, I feel.

First world problem of course, which doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things at all.

You lost me at baby rice tbh 🤮

I would just laugh inwardly at how naïve she's being and change the subject.

Or ditch the friendship tbh if you aren't getting anything positive out of it.

Looks like OP's friend has found the thread 🙄

I think a lot of mums go a bit nuts when it comes to weaning. I remember 20 years ago when weaning my first I saw baked beans in one of the baby food jars and thought about making my own version... all I said was "I'm thinking baked beans would be a good idea..." and I friend went a bit nuts "omg I can't believe you would try it, full of salt and sugar!" I was quite taken aback.... I teased her (occasionally) for years "it's not as bad as that time I almost gave DD baked beans though is it?" whenever she complained about something. Just avoid weaning as a topic and good luck with it all!

^this.

I'd ignore her comments, dump her or say: the human brain is designed to automatically crave sweet things as a survival instinct, and an immature toddler brain even more so that our brains, so even if you avoided all fruit and ice cream and sweet things until your toddler is 12 year old the first thing he'd do is find sweet things, eat them, and ask for more. The key is to introduce them alongside other things so they become a normal part of eating, not the banned, and this super desired, sweet thing.

Then there are two of us, because I also thought that the baby rice somewhat undermined the claims of amazing weaning skills on the grounds of the experience of having weaned one other child. I have weaned more children than the OP, but I still wouldn't say that my way was right. They both sound as bad as each other.

Distance yourself from her op, don’t be around people who bring you down. Incidentally I know someone who restricted what her dc ate and whenever we at events with a spread her dc were straight to the table scoffing all the restricted foods whilst the other dcs played, so it can be counter productive.🙂

Sounds like shes projecting her own insecurities by judging what you are doing
And i fed dd veg first, before the good sweet stuff and guess what? As soon as she got a taste for the fruit she turned her nose up at the veg anyway..
Theres also sweet veggies, like carrots corn and sweet poatato, so it doesnt really matter which way round you go ..

Yeah but you don't have to eat it, it's meant to be for your baby.

You're taking it way too personally. You're discussing weaning. You're both saying what you'll do. She will do it differently. You will do it differently. You either say we'll each to their own, as long as they eat etc, or you explain why you gave baby banana before potato and allow an ice cream occasionally ("don't want it to become some magical test they'll gorge on, just know it's normal food we eat in moderation" or similar)

If your baby picked up banana and she said "banana, really? Omg you do know you'll make her fat?" then you have a point. Otherwise just accept its a conversation and she doesn't have to agree with you

im assuming this is her first

I’ve had three children over 20 years, youngest is 2 and thank the lord, no one has ever given a crap about how I wean them.

I didn’t over think it either. You just mush some things up, puree others, plonk some of it on the high chair and let them go for it themselves, hand them a spoon to fling bits round the room. It really doesn’t matter as long as they are eating something, it doesn’t need so much angst.

There are loads more interesting conversations to have.

Just don’t laugh if her baby rejects everything but toast and cheese in a years time (hard stare at dd).

The thing is it's a couple of years time parents will be told to wean in a different way to now. For example I have teenagers and baby led weaning as an expression did not exist when DD was born and those pouches of baby food were non-existent as well. Does your friend think that an entire cohort of late teens have somehow been damaged. Go back to when my mum weaned me and you'll find that I was weaned at 6 weeks on baby rice and rusks. Not advising we go back to that but every new generation wants to do it better than the last (which is lovely) but can make people a bit zealous. When your DCs are teens and eating you out of house and home you'll look back on this and wonder why you spent so much time worrying

I Annabel Karmelled the fuck out of weaning. I lovingly steamed the freshest organic veg, chopped and mashed to oblivion and painstakingly created cupcake sized shepherds pies, fish pies and all sorts of healthy stuff.

You get to age 2.5 and find them peeling a half eaten haribo off the floor of Tesco and dinnertime consists of begging them to at least lick the broccoli as he darted past me in a futile effort to get some nutrients into him.

She'll learn the hard way like we all did.

I rolled my eyes just reading that, op. Sounds like a stereotypical "mum without experience in that area yet"...

I meticulously weaned my son using the veg first approach with hope of making him less fussy... but now he's 3 and only wants to eat crisps...

She sounds like a high and mighty know-it-all for someone with a six month old and much less experience than you.

It's the same with people who refuse any screen time for their children. They'll still all end starring at their phones all day eventually.

My friend told me about her SIL who wouldn't let her daughter eat tomatoes because they have too much sugar. lol I wish my son ate tomatoes.

You "feel" a bit judged because you ARE being a bit judged.

It is perfectly possible to have slightly different approaches to weening without there being any judgement involved. I saw people doing a wide variety of things and the only ones I ever judged were SIL and BIL who were so paranoid about their child choking but still wanted to do BLW that they were chopping his food into tiny (more dangerous) pieces until he was about 3. But I still never said anything. And for everyone else , conversations went like this

Friend: "We're only going to offer vegetables at first, I don't want her being too into sweet things".
Me: "Nice. I tend to just mix things up as I go. Let me know how you get on."
Friend: "He does love butternut. Shall we order coffee now?"

@Tansytea I don't think my way is right at all.

I never said that. I just didn't say anything about her way and she keeps commenting on mine and questioning me on it. I don't question her.

Although, I must add that first children are always more precious. We planned DS' weaning, diarised the start date etc etc.

With DD, we were at a friend's house for a BBQ. She was looking interested in my friend's salad chopping so I handed her a piece of cucumber!

Let me guess - her first kid? She's read all the books and now knows everything about babies. Ignore her. Schedule meals with other people.

My ds has just turned 21.

The HV came round at exactly 15 weeks and gave me all the advice about now to make up baby rice at 16 weeks exactly. “Lumps” were to be introduced slowly later on.

People forget how things change.

She sounds a bit insufferable - hopefully there are good bits between these comments.

I had PFB syndrome too - but I managed to keep it to myself, and now thankfully I can just look back and cringe at my thoughts rather than words!

I remember being completely shocked when SIL split a packet of mini cheddars between her two year old twins when my baby was about 6 months (still ebf at this point but then went on to do baby led weaning/never used packet or jarred food/never used baby rice etc). Actually shocked and very judgy (this was nearly 18 years ago and it is etched on my mind!) - never said anything though. Yes, of course, my PFP was having some mini cheddars at two as well 😂.

Tell her plastic spoons are not advised because plastics are bad for babies.

Just kidding.

IMO this is a symptom of a societal problem where mothers are made to feel that any and all bad things that might happen to our children are our fault. Science and medicine does it too, most of the research is about controlling mothers' behavior before and after birth, not that much about controlling fathers.

There's also little acknowledgement that research changes and that therefore advice about how to raise babies is not "settled science" the way that the existence of DNA is settled science. My baby was in the generation where mums were advised to avoid nuts until age 3 and now we know that was exactly the wrong advice. Did the whole medical establishment apologise for giving mums the wrong advice? Nope. Or show any awareness that this sort of "advice" should be taken with a spoonful of salt? Nope.

I think the solution to this is humility. Try your best, absolutely. Read parenting advice, think about the advice, make your best judgement about the advice. But also acknowledge that you will do things that may later turn out to have been misguided. That will be true even for mothers who religiously follow every piece of parenting advice out there. That goes for your friend as much as for you.