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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this heading for disaster? Dh work colleague

119 replies

rasberryeyes · 22/11/2022 22:57

Evening.

My husband has recently started a new job in a new area we live in.

They have a group messaging app where all colleagues talk (about work)

Let's say dh boss is called Pam.

Pam works with dh closely.

After his first shift, randomly in the day I asked how his new colleagues were etc and he just replied with he thinks Pam has had a BBL? When I mention how random that is he said "I can just tell, her bottom is too big to be real" then he says before I have a chance "oh god now you're going to over react.. I knew you wanted to know how she looks but I can assure you even though her body is good her face is disgusting" ??!!!!! Like ok.

I chose to remain quiet because I wanted to wait and hear "more"

I read their conversation last night and in the space of two weeks he's progressed to putting "x" at the end. And they constantly ask each other when they are going to the smoking section etc..

I asked him about it all today he basically flew off the handle saying in order to have a career and progress he needs a good bond with his superior and I've got trust issues, my insecurities are showing up blah blah blah
To which I replied

"That's true babe, I've been out of work for a while so I've forgotten how it is to have work friends, when I return I'll guess I'll find out"

Then he goes
"If you cheated I wouldn't care, what could I do? Kill you. No it's your life, we would just finish"
Completely unprovoked.

I feel like he's gaslighting me to basically shut up asking about his work.

Sorry I'm really confused and I know it all doesn't make sense but could do with a straight talking to.

Im alone in this town so that probably doesn't help with two babies.

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 22/11/2022 23:02

He's an absolute idiot!!

Sorry OP but you don't deserve to be gaslighted like this.

Infracat · 22/11/2022 23:06

Why the hell is he putting x at the end????!!! That is not normal behaviour, with a work colleague!

Hawkins001 · 22/11/2022 23:08

I can understand a friendly x, but the way he talks to you op, omg 😲 l,t,b as fellow mumsnetters would advocate

EmmaDilemma5 · 22/11/2022 23:09

He sounds like a prick

blubberyboo · 22/11/2022 23:12

No work colleague puts an X at the end of messages to their superior

DuplicateUserName · 22/11/2022 23:12

He sounds disgusting.

rasberryeyes · 22/11/2022 23:12

Infracat · 22/11/2022 23:06

Why the hell is he putting x at the end????!!! That is not normal behaviour, with a work colleague!

I noticed she did from the beginning which I didn't think anything of? And he said he's just copying how they all text each other and it's very normal.

He said he feels sorry for her because apparently her husband is dying? (I facebooked checked and her husband seems quite fine and dandy, active on social media and there is no mention of his apparent illness I don't actually believe?

The thing is she isn't his type facially but is body wise and it's put an alert in my head

OP posts:
MissedItByThisMuch · 22/11/2022 23:13

Yes this is heading for disaster if not already there. It’s exactly how my husband’s affair started - arranging to have their breaks at the same time and meeting away from everyone else. The gaslighting and protesting too much came later with him, but all the elements are there.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/11/2022 23:39

I’m sorry to say this OP but your husband sounds like a total dick, purely from his comments on his boss’s face and body, and that’s before we get to his very obvious manipulation of you.

Is he normally like this, or is this a new thing?

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/11/2022 23:41

blubberyboo · 22/11/2022 23:12

No work colleague puts an X at the end of messages to their superior

Actually in some industries they do. People often do in mine. I find it bizarre, but it’s common enough.

SeenAndNot · 22/11/2022 23:42

His reaction is bizzare. Yes you are being gaslighted.

DarkShade · 22/11/2022 23:54

What he actually said about her originally is a bit weird but I think essentially fine. What really Isn't fine is the follow up, and how he talks to you. He doesn't respect you (or women in general it seems) at all.

What on earth does he mean he wouldn't care if you cheated on him ? You should sit him down and get him to spell out exactly what he means. What he said after that sounds like a thinly veiled threat to kill you.

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 23/11/2022 00:44

"even though her body is good her face is disgusting"
"the thing is she isn't his type facially but is body wise"

Are you both 16? What a shallow pair you are.

Remaker · 23/11/2022 00:48

If I asked my DH about a female colleague or boss he would tell me about their work and maybe their personality. He would not describe their looks. Definitely sounds suspicious to me and you do not need to put an x after a text message to a colleague to help your career - that’s just weird.

mashh · 23/11/2022 00:56

It's so weird how quickly he flies off the handle, that isn't someone I'd want to be with

MissTrip82 · 23/11/2022 00:56

Just sounds like a standard misogynist to me, given how he speaks about women. Revolting. You wouldn’t be losing much if he went.

Agapornis · 23/11/2022 00:58

Are you lucky that he won't kill you! Ditch him, for the shit way he speaks to you alone.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 23/11/2022 01:00

blubberyboo · 22/11/2022 23:12

No work colleague puts an X at the end of messages to their superior

Not true. Very common in my sector.

That said, the OPs husband is a dick.

toastfiend · 23/11/2022 01:30

What could he do, kill you?

Um, I mean there's a whole spectrum of other ways he could behave or choose to handle that situation, but yeah, sure, let's go for kill first. 🤨 What a fucking weird thing to say.

My ex used to come out with shit like that, he was an abusive prick, he intended it as a threat, and he was also cheating on me with literally anyone who'd let him near them. I'd bin your "D"H off, OP - cheating or not, he sounds like an absolute dick.

MysteryBelle · 23/11/2022 02:41

Ok. Op. The way he speaks, generally and to you is...classless. He is coarse, icky, ill-mannered, and sounds very stupid.

You can do much better than him. That is my advice.

Don’t waste your life on such scum. Seek out examples of gentlemen in your life, or in books, or even films, to understand how you should be treated by the men in your life.

You and your children deserve that.

dolor · 23/11/2022 02:57

Oh that piece of shit belongs in the BIN.

DeeCeeCherry · 23/11/2022 03:15

"even though her body is good her face is disgusting"
🙄
He's a sexist, misogynistic pig. I hope you screenshotted message. If they ever start messing around - & I bet they do - send it to her.

JustMakeMeAList · 23/11/2022 03:24

Then he goes
"If you cheated I wouldn't care, what could I do? Kill you. No it's your life, we would just finish"
Completely unprovoked.

He doesn't care because he's already planning his affair so if you have one it means nothing. In fact he'd probably like you to go off, he can then blame you for the end of the relationship.
He's telling you clearly what he's up to.

YellowTreeHouse · 23/11/2022 03:34

This is a clusterfuck.

Why did he say “I knew you wanted to know how she looks”? Do you often quiz him about how women he meets look?

It sounds like there has been issues there related to your thoughts on him being around other women.

And you invaded his privacy and read his messages? That’s entirely unacceptable.

Why are you even together? You don’t trust him and neither of you respect the other.

oatmilk4breakfast · 23/11/2022 04:32

If a partner of mine mused out loud about the hypothetical option of killing me i would leave him. I think the whole exchange speaks volumes.he’s either cheating or thinking about it and is showing you how possessive he would be in return. Sorry to sound extreme but a family friend’s daughter was killed by an ex of hers and that is why I am posting here. Please keep safe.