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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this heading for disaster? Dh work colleague

119 replies

rasberryeyes · 22/11/2022 22:57

Evening.

My husband has recently started a new job in a new area we live in.

They have a group messaging app where all colleagues talk (about work)

Let's say dh boss is called Pam.

Pam works with dh closely.

After his first shift, randomly in the day I asked how his new colleagues were etc and he just replied with he thinks Pam has had a BBL? When I mention how random that is he said "I can just tell, her bottom is too big to be real" then he says before I have a chance "oh god now you're going to over react.. I knew you wanted to know how she looks but I can assure you even though her body is good her face is disgusting" ??!!!!! Like ok.

I chose to remain quiet because I wanted to wait and hear "more"

I read their conversation last night and in the space of two weeks he's progressed to putting "x" at the end. And they constantly ask each other when they are going to the smoking section etc..

I asked him about it all today he basically flew off the handle saying in order to have a career and progress he needs a good bond with his superior and I've got trust issues, my insecurities are showing up blah blah blah
To which I replied

"That's true babe, I've been out of work for a while so I've forgotten how it is to have work friends, when I return I'll guess I'll find out"

Then he goes
"If you cheated I wouldn't care, what could I do? Kill you. No it's your life, we would just finish"
Completely unprovoked.

I feel like he's gaslighting me to basically shut up asking about his work.

Sorry I'm really confused and I know it all doesn't make sense but could do with a straight talking to.

Im alone in this town so that probably doesn't help with two babies.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/11/2022 07:29

I think you sound really possessive OP. The reason he told you about looks is no doubt because you're scared he's in contact with better looking woman at work. Sounds a very rocky relationship.

RedHelenB · 23/11/2022 07:30

DeeCeeCherry · 23/11/2022 03:15

"even though her body is good her face is disgusting"
🙄
He's a sexist, misogynistic pig. I hope you screenshotted message. If they ever start messing around - & I bet they do - send it to her.

And he'd juat say he said that to pacify his jealous gf and really her face is as gorgeous as her body.

WimbyAce · 23/11/2022 07:32

blubberyboo · 22/11/2022 23:12

No work colleague puts an X at the end of messages to their superior

I mean I do with my boss but she is female and we have known each other a long time.

JackTorrance · 23/11/2022 07:34

Who would want to be with a man who discribes a woman's face as "disgusting"?

CinnamonJellyBeans · 23/11/2022 07:34

TiddleyWink · 23/11/2022 07:20

He sounds absolutely disgusting. How are you sexually attracted to such a nasty, unintelligent, misogynistic slug? Imagine being the kind of person who describes a woman’s face as ‘disgusting’. This is actually really sad, that your self esteem is so low that you haven’t long since ditched him for someone with basic standards of decency. Want better for your children, if not you!

yes, this.

WeepingSomnambulist · 23/11/2022 07:35

You both sound pretty shitty.
He said that he knew you wanted to know what the women looked like, is that true? Is that what you meant when you asked about his colleagues? And he says you're jealous and insecure which you haven't contradicted. Are you? Is this how you normally behave? Questioning him on any women when really, you just want to know if they are his type. It's fine if he works with ugly women but not his type. That's just shitty and immature.

He sounds absolutely awful. The way he speaks about women. The way he speaks to you. Awful, disgusting, misogynistic. Just yuck.

The pair of you sound bad.

Shelby2010 · 23/11/2022 07:36

The whole thing is off. Starting with having a husband who knows what a Brazilian Butt Lift is (having just Googled it myself).

Allsnotwell · 23/11/2022 07:39

I think you need to get some self esteem and leave.

Go back to your home town and get some real support.

moggie22 · 23/11/2022 07:40

He sounds awful on many many levels.

VariantHela · 23/11/2022 07:47

Being THAT defensive and gaslighting you like that is a huge red flag. Why mention cheating also if it wasn't already on his mind. I'd leave

Anyfeckinusername · 23/11/2022 07:52

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 23/11/2022 00:44

"even though her body is good her face is disgusting"
"the thing is she isn't his type facially but is body wise"

Are you both 16? What a shallow pair you are.

Yes there's something in this for sure. The conversation is more like two blokes chatting. Fwiw that initial comment of his about wouldn't make me suspicious given the context of how you both think / speak.

What is the industry?

gamerchick · 23/11/2022 07:52

Yeah he sounds like a dick but the OP doesn't cover herself in glory either. Think there's probably a large backstory here.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 23/11/2022 07:54

Morestrangethings · 23/11/2022 06:21

Brazilian Butt Lift. I had to look it up.

Thankyou. The only BBL I know is the government Bounce Back Loan 😆

catfunk · 23/11/2022 07:57

I couldn't be with a man who spoke about women like that.

Motnight · 23/11/2022 07:59

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/11/2022 23:39

I’m sorry to say this OP but your husband sounds like a total dick, purely from his comments on his boss’s face and body, and that’s before we get to his very obvious manipulation of you.

Is he normally like this, or is this a new thing?

This! He sounds vile.

Mobydickssister · 23/11/2022 08:00

@avocadoandchill Normal conversations to have about your boss after 1 day.
1.seem a bit strict on punctuality so I'll make sure I'm on time.
2. Very friendly - showed me where the coffee machine was.
3. Not sure yet, will see how it goes.
4. Not sure how we will get on they've insisted I copy them into every email.

This ^

OP what you have written is rather odd.

I think you both have problems.

The answer to your original question is "Yes". 🙄

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 23/11/2022 08:02

Is your insecurity because he's cheated before? His dismissal if you cheated is because he's either doing it himself or thinking about it. Nasty, nasty dialogue to his significant other.

Sorry @rasberryeyes your relationship sounds toxic, lacking in respect on both sides and not destined for longevity.

WhirlyTwirly · 23/11/2022 08:04

What’s a BBL?

WhirlyTwirly · 23/11/2022 08:05

Sorry, ignore my last message, I’ve read the thread above ⬆️

Iknowthis1 · 23/11/2022 08:14

The way he speaks to you and the way he speaks about her is appalling. She's not his type facially, seriously? Both of you see women as objects.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 23/11/2022 08:23

Iknowthis1 · 23/11/2022 08:14

The way he speaks to you and the way he speaks about her is appalling. She's not his type facially, seriously? Both of you see women as objects.

Agreed. And if she was his type facially...?

Wrong on so many levels.

user1496262496 · 23/11/2022 08:30

Putting an X at the end of a message is not professional.

He sounds like he is manipulating you.

All this talk of ‘body type’ and ‘face type’…. No one cares what is on the mantlepiece whelp they are stoking the fire.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 23/11/2022 08:31

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 23/11/2022 08:23

Agreed. And if she was his type facially...?

Wrong on so many levels.

So his version of reassuring you @rasberryeyes is by saying she has a disgusting face? Any decent caring partner should be reassuring you that they would never cheat.

user1496262496 · 23/11/2022 08:31

While, not whelp! Typo!

KatherineJaneway · 23/11/2022 08:33

He is definitely thinking about cheating.