Is this heading for disaster? Dh work colleague

[rasberryeyes]

Evening.

My husband has recently started a new job in a new area we live in.

They have a group messaging app where all colleagues talk (about work)

Let's say dh boss is called Pam.

Pam works with dh closely.

After his first shift, randomly in the day I asked how his new colleagues were etc and he just replied with he thinks Pam has had a BBL? When I mention how random that is he said "I can just tell, her bottom is too big to be real" then he says before I have a chance "oh god now you're going to over react.. I knew you wanted to know how she looks but I can assure you even though her body is good her face is disgusting" ??!!!!! Like ok.

I chose to remain quiet because I wanted to wait and hear "more"

I read their conversation last night and in the space of two weeks he's progressed to putting "x" at the end. And they constantly ask each other when they are going to the smoking section etc..

I asked him about it all today he basically flew off the handle saying in order to have a career and progress he needs a good bond with his superior and I've got trust issues, my insecurities are showing up blah blah blah
To which I replied

"That's true babe, I've been out of work for a while so I've forgotten how it is to have work friends, when I return I'll guess I'll find out"

Then he goes
"If you cheated I wouldn't care, what could I do? Kill you. No it's your life, we would just finish"
Completely unprovoked.

I feel like he's gaslighting me to basically shut up asking about his work.

Sorry I'm really confused and I know it all doesn't make sense but could do with a straight talking to.

Im alone in this town so that probably doesn't help with two babies.

When I mention how random that is he said "I can just tell, her bottom is too big to be real" then he says before I have a chance "oh god now you're going to over react.. I knew you wanted to know how she looks but I can assure you even though her body is good her face is disgusting" ??!!!!!

You have far bigger problems than Pam.
So sorry OP - your H is an objectifying twat.
The very first thing he sees fit to mention about his new work colleagues is to hone in one one woman's bum. Weird enough - but his 'defence' is to make horrible remarks about her face?!
He sounds like Donald Trump. Remember Trump's outrageous claim that he couldn't possibly have raped a certain woman - because he didn't find her attractive?

He's already using The Script -
I asked him about it all today he basically flew off the handle saying in order to have a career and progress he needs a good bond with his superior and I've got trust issues, my insecurities are showing up blah blah blah
Classic DARVO tactic used by cheaters everywhere.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

I admired your response about your own return to work OP!
Isn't it interesting that he equates you resuming your career with nothing more than an opportunity to cheat on him?

Then the unprovoked wild talk about not caring if you have an affair. But killing you anyway. Or not killing you. Still - minor point, no, the murder of one's wife? Nothing to see here, move along quickly, don't we ALL put spousal murder on the agenda as soon as said spouse wonders why we are verbally dissecting our boss's body?

Then the bullshit about her husband, & the oh-so-professional X's ...

It's not Pam you need to worry about. She'd be welcome to this misogynistic twat, no? I suspect what you need to worry about is keeping yourself safe from your H's appalling attitude, & protecting your & DC's interests as you exit the marriage while extracting the maximum assets possible for a new future.
Because how can you live with this uncertainty? It's not about if he has an affair, it's when - plain as a pikestaff from his kneejerk stream of consciousness rant to you. It might not even be Pam. But it'll be someone, & when it happens he will lie, DARVO, blame, & be at the very least verbally aggressive to you. He has no shame - why would he accept responsibility for his actions? - so much easier to blame you, & make your life a misery.

What he actually said about her originally is a bit weird but I think essentially fine.

It is? Who knew, @DarkShade ?!

Is this how you talk about people to others?
Nothing but reporting on their appearance, & mean remarks as if you are a particularly ill-mannered judge at a dog show?
No interest whatsoever in their character, skills, work role, hobbies ... i.e. them as an actual person?

Or…

it is thought that the “x” was adopted as a signature in the Middle Ages as very few people could write so documents would be sealed with the symbol embossed in wax or lead. And people would be asked to confirm their X ‘signature’ by kissing it – so the two became synonymous.

which is why my French friend always signs off ‘bisous’ as ‘x’ is a sign for us English peasants 😁

Well said @MysteryBelle

Whether this nasty little man cheats or not, he's a very low quality specimen.

So sorry OP
I expect he was nicer in the beginning.
Has he become more dismissive & contemptuos since the DC came along?

Wow, what an answer. This x 1000%.

he’s a manipulative bully and he’s controlling you through repeatedly talking about other women to heighten your insecurities.

that comment about how you used to be beautiful but you’ve let yourself go would be grounds for divorce for me.

id never let a man speak to me like that. He’d be out the door the same day.

im very sorry OP but as the PP says it’s not Pam you need to worry about…

Protect your kids

He sounds revolting.

He’s an inadequate, insecure, misogynistic bully.

I’m pleased he has a job and I hope you will find a way to leave him and claim maintenance through the CMS. You are better than him and you can do better than him. It will be hard in the short term but you have a long life ahead of you and your children even longer.

He is disgusting.

He may your DC's father but he is certainly not a role model.

I wonder if you used to think it was okay for him to talk about women like that but with time and experience you’ve realised that most men don’t comment on women’s bodies. Maybe you were very young when you got together and your thinking has matured but his hasn’t?

He’s mean to you, rude about you and sees women as objects for him to letch at. Plus he’s having and affair. I’m so sorry, it’s really not okay.

Are you comfortable with the ways he objectifies and judges women? This all sounds horrible to live with tbh. You do know that he will be speaking that way about you if (or hopefully when) your relationship breaks down? This is not normal behaviour in the people I know, it's extremely ugly.

Also, your girls! Do you want them to grow up thinking that the important thing about them in the work force is their BOTTOM?!

Please leave him. He is emotionally abusing you and it will escalate. Get this moved to the relationships board, there are some very knowledgeable people there who will help you pick apart exactly what he's doing to you.

The 'x' on the end of the message doesn't even register for me. The stuff your DH is saying about his colleagues body and looks, and then to you about you cheating and killing you etc... Wtaf. He's awful!

I'm really sorry to say this OP, but he sounds like a basic, insecure, nasty little prick.
Telling you about other women, in his mind, absolves him, makes him 'honest'. He also actually enjoys hurting your feelings because it's one up on someone and that makes him feel better, somehow. He will take all the affairs he can get to soothe his feeble ego.

Nothing to do with you, not a reflection of you, nothing to do with your worth.
Look after yourself OP.

I sometimes add a x to my messages to boss as does he but it definitely doesn’t mean anything - I also do receive and give a x sometimes to work colleagues

What I don’t like from your OP is his defensiveness and also saying his boss has clearly had a BBL. That’s a bit weird. I also would feel slight unease if my husband was texting a female colleague going for a smoke at the same time.

Clearly there is more to this, why did he say he knew you’d want to know what she looked like. Why would you possibly want to know this and why would he think this. Is he right? Why are you both sitting discussing this woman like this. Why are you reading his messages.

Apparently ex colleagues have questioned him before "oh didn't expect a guy like you to be with your wife" and he kindly likes to tell me he tells them
"I've been with her at her most beautiful, and her worse. Everyone has a time where they let themselves go"

He honestly said this? Wow.

He is telling you loud and clear how he feels. My ExH was a bit like this. He would criticise silly things like my hairline, of all things - he said it was receding - it certainly wasn't plus comments on my weight. I was 8 stone and absolutely gorgeous (20 years ago mind), and he was decidedly average looking. He was always saying how this woman or that woman at work fancied him....turns out he was shagging around, whilst trying to keep me insecure.

You can do better than this Op.

PS. My current DH would never say anything derogatory about me, and Im about 2 stone heavier than when we met. If I moan about my weight, he says I'm being silly and I look lovely.

Does he look like Brad Pitt?