Is this heading for disaster? Dh work colleague

[rasberryeyes]

Evening.

My husband has recently started a new job in a new area we live in.

They have a group messaging app where all colleagues talk (about work)

Let's say dh boss is called Pam.

Pam works with dh closely.

After his first shift, randomly in the day I asked how his new colleagues were etc and he just replied with he thinks Pam has had a BBL? When I mention how random that is he said "I can just tell, her bottom is too big to be real" then he says before I have a chance "oh god now you're going to over react.. I knew you wanted to know how she looks but I can assure you even though her body is good her face is disgusting" ??!!!!! Like ok.

I chose to remain quiet because I wanted to wait and hear "more"

I read their conversation last night and in the space of two weeks he's progressed to putting "x" at the end. And they constantly ask each other when they are going to the smoking section etc..

I asked him about it all today he basically flew off the handle saying in order to have a career and progress he needs a good bond with his superior and I've got trust issues, my insecurities are showing up blah blah blah
To which I replied

"That's true babe, I've been out of work for a while so I've forgotten how it is to have work friends, when I return I'll guess I'll find out"

Then he goes
"If you cheated I wouldn't care, what could I do? Kill you. No it's your life, we would just finish"
Completely unprovoked.

I feel like he's gaslighting me to basically shut up asking about his work.

Sorry I'm really confused and I know it all doesn't make sense but could do with a straight talking to.

Im alone in this town so that probably doesn't help with two babies.

This relationship sounds toxic.

His attitude towards women and the way he speaks to you are disgusting. The fact he’s clearly checking his boss out and even if he isn’t attracted to her he is sucking up to her and that’s equally weird.

on the flip side you really have no business reading his work messages (assuming these are on slack or similar, and depending on his job this has security implications) and I imagine the tone when you’ve “asked” about such things has not been as innocent as you think. It sounds like there’s history and more to this interaction.

why have you moved to a new town where you know nobody? Was this his idea?

There’s obviously some back story here. He said you would want to know what she looked liked and said you would over react.

You the process to go through his messages and look the woman on FB to judge wether or not her husband is sick and her attractiveness.

I am guessing either you are insecure and paranoid and when you were asking about her, he knew (from your past behaviour) that you wanted to know what she looked like and what he though of how she looks.

Or he has cheated/come close to cheating before. It’s made you feel insecure and now he blames you for it.

He sounds like a dick. He doesn’t seem that fussed about being with you. Doesn’t care if you cheat etc.

But honestly, I think you are both quite toxic for each other.

Agree with others get out now. Why on earth would his head even go to killing you if you cheated on him? Not normal and the sort of red flag that should not be ignored.

So many red flags op

@rasberryeyes This bit "If you cheated I wouldn't care, what could I do? Kill you. No it's your life, [b]we would just finish"[/b]
Completely unprovoked.

He's got one for our the door. I would give him a good boot up the arse and help him complete the journey.

Gaaa

One foot

Has he cheated before?

What's BBL?

Has he had a woman boss before?
He sounds really muddled; it would explain it if she is also sending 'wrong' signals

I'm assuming butt lift or boobs and butt lift??

Brazilian Butt Lift. I had to look it up.

So you asked about his colleagues and the only thing he could comment on was his bosses bum?

Disgusting.

Imo, Your husband spoke to you in an unacceptable manner. Is this new for him or has he spoken to you this way before?

While I’ve always thought an ‘x’ was the end of a text to someone you are fond of, or love ,(or by mistake), I’m thinking it’s meaning may be changing?

Just below the surface he hates women, including you and his boss. That won't stop him having an affair with her though even with her "disgusting face".
He is unlikely to change.

Okay meaning of ‘x’ is changing:

”The custom of having an 'x' at the end of a message started as a way to symbolise a kiss. It was used between lovers. However, these days it is more often used as a way of implying you are being friendly, not formal. This is especially important now that so much communication is written, rather than spoken.

What that X means on messages | Britain Explained”

Your DH is being an arsehole but you know that
Trust your instincts, I've just read The gift of fear, what stands out is how we brush off our instinct but afterwards we say "I knew" and can pinpoint when we "knew"
Btw I put X on the end of my messages to colleagues but only the woman! It's an act of solidarity in a male dominated industry. I'm female

He sounds horrendous. You didn't ask what she looked like, he pretended you had and took it as an opportunity to judge a fellow colleague by how they look.

He discussed with you how 'disgusting' a woman's face was. If my DH ever said that about a woman he would be getting short shrift from me - how dare he speak about another human being like that!?

He then clearly is shutting you down and making out that you are being unreasonable rather than addressing your concerns.

To be honest, if I were you I'd be thinking Pam is welcome to him (whether she'd want him if she knew what he was actually like is another matter)

"even though her body is good her face is disgusting"
"the thing is she isn't his type facially but is body wise"

How dare the two of you have this sort of conversation about another person? Absolutely horrible!
He sounds like an idiot with all of his comments but honestly op the way you're discussing his boss is awful too.

Red flags from both of you. He’s probably cheating and you’re probably overly paranoid because of the fact.

is it a call centre type job by any chance? From my experience when I was younger everyone was always shagging everyone in those type of places

Yup I agree.

None of this would be said about a man.

Normal conversations to have about your boss after 1 day.

1.seem a bit strict on punctuality so I'll make sure I'm on time.

1. Very friendly - showed me where the coffee machine was.
2. Not sure yet, will see how it goes.
3. Not sure how we will get on they've insisted I copy them into every email.

He sounds like an absolute wanker. Also, I work with my best friend and met him at work and while we do a lot together and talk every day I don’t think we’ve ever put an x on the end of texts. He does it for girls he’s dating but not me because that would be a bit weird!

Weird. Well OP he is definitely not worth hanging on to. Yuk.

I’ve got plenty of work friends that are male where I wouldn’t even think about putting a x on the end. Because they’re friends. I’d be furious if my husband felt the need to read my messages as well and no doubt very defensive, even if there was nothing in it. Sounds like you don’t trust your husband and are reading into things, which is making him dismissive.

He sounds absolutely disgusting. How are you sexually attracted to such a nasty, unintelligent, misogynistic slug? Imagine being the kind of person who describes a woman’s face as ‘disgusting’. This is actually really sad, that your self esteem is so low that you haven’t long since ditched him for someone with basic standards of decency. Want better for your children, if not you!