Is this heading for disaster? Dh work colleague

[rasberryeyes]

Evening.

My husband has recently started a new job in a new area we live in.

They have a group messaging app where all colleagues talk (about work)

Let's say dh boss is called Pam.

Pam works with dh closely.

After his first shift, randomly in the day I asked how his new colleagues were etc and he just replied with he thinks Pam has had a BBL? When I mention how random that is he said "I can just tell, her bottom is too big to be real" then he says before I have a chance "oh god now you're going to over react.. I knew you wanted to know how she looks but I can assure you even though her body is good her face is disgusting" ??!!!!! Like ok.

I chose to remain quiet because I wanted to wait and hear "more"

I read their conversation last night and in the space of two weeks he's progressed to putting "x" at the end. And they constantly ask each other when they are going to the smoking section etc..

I asked him about it all today he basically flew off the handle saying in order to have a career and progress he needs a good bond with his superior and I've got trust issues, my insecurities are showing up blah blah blah
To which I replied

"That's true babe, I've been out of work for a while so I've forgotten how it is to have work friends, when I return I'll guess I'll find out"

Then he goes
"If you cheated I wouldn't care, what could I do? Kill you. No it's your life, we would just finish"
Completely unprovoked.

I feel like he's gaslighting me to basically shut up asking about his work.

Sorry I'm really confused and I know it all doesn't make sense but could do with a straight talking to.

Im alone in this town so that probably doesn't help with two babies.

He’s either fucking her or planning to. He’s an arsehole. And he sounds dangerous. Get rid

If that were my dh I think I’d be more worried about the way he speaks about women “she’s got a fit body/arse but she’s ugly!” as I would about the fact he’s planning to cheat on me (he is, btw). If fact, if dh spoke about a woman like this I’d probably be taking him to hospital coz I’d think he’d had a stroke!

Horrible.

This

So many people finish with an x it's like punctuation. I dislike it but do it so I don't look like a stand offish bitch and everything perpetuates.

He sounds horrible. Though you were basically passive-aggressively hinting that you might have an affair when you return to work, so that's not great either. Someone upthread said "clusterfuck", and I think that's about the size of it. Do adults really call one another "babe"?

I'm not ignoring anyone.
I'm going to take my children to school then I will explain the "back log"

But it basically consist of

Me not asking anything but being told repeatedly for years about colleagues/people fancying him. Completely unprovoked.

So now I just sort of try to get it out the way before I'm told.

Even this morning he told me "oh I've been introduced to these two twins, all the bachelors were raving about them so I was glad to see what the fuss was about! One brunette one blonde of course"

Like I didn't ask? I literally said "good morning"

That's it.

I've never been insecure but the fact he always brings up other women has sort of trained me to be insecure and then he says I have trust issues! But they never existed! I just don't want to hear about women all the time!

This is very good sensible advice and as much it feels wrong you need to prepare. If not because of this current situation but for the way it looks like your relationship will pan out.

I don’t think “getting rid” helps at this point.
First go out, join all the baby groups, get some mum friends, find a part time job, go to the gym when the kids go to bed. Basically have a life outside of the house.
Let him worry about who you are meeting at the gym and why you want to get in shape.
If he has an affair you’re better placed to deal with it. If he’s not, you’re still better off.

I’d be really put off by a man knowing what a BBL is tbh.

Just ignore him.

Is he some sort of golden catch or something, your DH?

His personality sounds woeful from this thread.

He sounds odd OP. Can you make plans to leave?

Have you explained to him how his comments make you feel? His answer will be interesting.

It may be that he thinks he's God's gift to women but even if it's that innocent the way he speaks to you is nasty at best.

I would just reply with "that's nice dear". Take the wind out of his sails

Apparently ex colleagues have questioned him before "oh didn't expect a guy like you to be with your wife" and he kindly likes to tell me he tells them
"I've been with her at her most beautiful, and her worse. Everyone has a time where they let themselves go"

I mean it probably would have been best not to tell me that if the conversation even took place.

I feel he's so insecure he projects it onto me

I can't leave just yet but I think what another poster said below about doing my own thing etc going gym finding friends is probably a good start in the right direction

@Chickenvoicesinmyhead

I have and he says I'm causing an argument.

He can't even chat to me because my insecurities ruin the conversation

It's basically a dead end. Minimises my feelings and tells me my feelings are insecurity.
His brother has even told him, it's wrong and the way he speaks about other women, he would never do that to his wife

Horrible comments made about his boss & to you. He’s looking to cover himself for an affair IMHO. Sorry OP

Yes, definitely this. He sounds awful. Getting prepared takes your focus away from this disaster of a man and back into you. Take that power back.

Agreed x 100.

So does he also tell his brother he must have insecurities for calling him out on it too?

At least you have the reassurance to know it's not just you who thinks his behaviour is off. Keep that in the back of your mind when he tries to dismiss you again.

Goodness op...he sounds vile on so many levels..

Please make friends, plan your return to work as soon as possible, retrain if necessary and eventually get rid of him.

Next time set the bar much higher.

Are you in an episode of towie?

The way you both talk!

He sounds like a really low calibre bloke. Nobody should have children with men like that, their genes shouldn’t be being passed on. Surely enough is enough? Don’t you want better for yourself?

How long have you been with him, has he always spoken like this? He sounds very immature.

He sounds like a covert narcissist tbh: I imagine he’s the one who is insecure underneath it all, but hiding behind all this bravado. He doesn’t seem to be able to see things from your perspective and empathise either. have a read up on narcissistic traits, do any of the others ring true to you? Did your relationship follow the narcissistic cycle: love bombing, then undermining you to stay. If you can recognise these traits, I hope you have the strength to ask him to leave. It’s hard, but it will be worth it. You deserve better. Good luck.