Desperate to end friendship!!

[cloudsandream]

Apologies in advance about the length!

I met this friend around two years ago whilst we was studying on the same course. Whilst it was smooth sailing, it’s been bloody hard work since then.

She struggles with mental health so there’s been countless times me and our other friend have sat with her for hours whilst she has breakdowns, threatens to harm herself etc. These can last between hours and days and she will blow up my phone.

She also does things like meet up with men despite us saying they display red flags, and then cries how awful they was afterwards. I feel she takes no bloody advice from what I tell her. It’s then hours after trying to comfort her before the harm talk stirs up again.

Likewise, any plans made has to be okay with her otherwise we all aren’t going. It was my turn to choose for our date and on the last two occasions she complained and said we should go somewhere else instead. It’s her way or we don’t go at all.

Now my actual dilemma. She has a new flat and this past monday, i sat in her flat (cold, unfurnished, no heating or carpet) for over three hours to wait for the gas man to turn up just because she wanted to go shopping. I was frozen to the bone and when she came back, no thank you but simply complained the man never came.

She’s since asked for money and furnishing despite me telling her i’m pretty broke myself. She’s now taken it upon herself to ask what days i am free and what times so i can watch her flat whilst maintenance does her bits so she can do other stuff instead and be at her part time job.

Now she’s asked me to go on Thursday whilst carpets be put down. I don’t want to go, the flat is freezing, and i have to travel and pay for my own taxis there and back. I’ve wasted hours of my time anyway and i’m tired of being her first point of call, despite us sharing other friends, because I don’t really tell her “no”.

I feel awful but i want to be shot of her. She’s emotionally and physically draining with how much she needs and wants off me, it feels constant. I’ve left the groupchat on many occasions because it’s so overwhelming but she just adds me back and asks me for things again.

I get nothing from the friendship, it’s just me giving all and her just taking it. I understand she has issues but i’m fed up of it now, I want my life back before more favours come flooding in.

Aibu to end this friendship? I just feel bad because she has alot of problems.

i don’t have time to read everyone else’s responses but this is my view…
She should be arranging maintenance work, carpet fitters etc around her work commitments and not yours ! You should simply tell her you are busy and can not sit in her house waiting for workmen…. This is her responsibility to arrange and supervise !

if she doesn’t want to go to a place you’ve chosen then you simply go without her!… if my friends invited me to somewhere I didn’t like I’d simply say I wasn’t going and tell them to enjoy their evening. Friends don’t dictate that you can’t go out without them!

Tell her you will not be funding her furnishings… period! Just say no! If she doesn’t like it tough!! You’re her friend not a loan company or charity!

If the friendship is one sided then walk away, head held high at the amount of stuff you’ve done for her already. Simply tell her that you can’t do it anymore and feel extremely under appreciated.

I think you need to walk away for your own sanity…. How does the rest of the group feel? Will you be loosing your friendship circle if you step away? Or will she be completely cut off if you all step away?

she clearly needs help but thats not on you to sort out-i have mh issues but i dont go round using people like this and demanding things

its a crap excuse shes jjust trying to guilt trip you

I hope @cloudsandream isn't sitting in the CF's flat too embarrassed to post on here.

Exactly this…. When she texts and says this kind of stuff you simply need to reply…
’I’m sorry but could you please arrange maintenance and carpet fitters for when you are off, as I am busy and can’t keep giving up my time so that you can go shopping and do all the nice things pure making me miss out on during my days off!
at best it will make
her see what a
selfixh cow she’s been, at worst she’ll fall out with you… which kind of saves you a job!

You don’t need to end the friendship. You need to set better boundaries and learn the word no.

Just end it. She's taking you for a ride.

What did you do? Did you spend today sat in her flat?
I think you need to speak to the rest of the friendship group and ask their advice…. They know her and they know
you… how do they say no to her? They should be supporting you and surely can see this abuse?? If they can’t and are happy for you to continue being used then I would walk away from them all and make healthier friendships.
also a great way of finding out what this ‘friend’ is like is to say you feel like crap so are unavailable for the rest of the week…. See if she offers to do your shopping, sends you concerned texts asking how you are etc… or whether she simply moans that she’s got to rearrange her carpet fitters and how inconvenient to her your illness is!!
either way you’ve got to start politely saying
‘sorry I don’t want to flat sit, could you arrange it for your days off please!’ (It’s her flat and her responsibility)

Likely a borderline personality disorder.
You won't win.
You won't get anything back.
You won't be thanked.

Best to be brutal about ending the friendship. But bear in mind she may retaliate as you are not toeing the line. HER line.
Good luck.

This woman is no kind of a friend to you or your other mates. Step back and say no to everything she asks. If she asks you why you are being like this,tell her. You deserve better from a friendship than to be used,controlled and made to feel constantly guilty about everything in her life. Wouldn't give this person another second of my time tbh. Again.....you deserve BETTER!!!

You know the answer. The question you need to ask yourself is what is it in you that is engaging in masochistic behaviour? You aren’t helping this person. If she has mental health issues she needs guidance towards professional help. Not a relationship which enables her to abuse the people around her. Just disengage. You could explain why if you have the determination not to get drawn back in. But probably best to just excuse yourself. She’s no doubt had this done to her many times. Her threats to harm herself are just that. If she does it won’t be your fault. There’s help out there and it isn’t you.You need to extricate yourself.

Then what happened?

She has no interest in sorting herself out because she's already winning at life getting people to shoulder her burdens for her. And you need help for your own codependency. If you complain to us and then carry on as you were then you and your "friend" are exactly the same.

Say “no, actually I think I have given you enough” then block her. She is obviously very needy and in victim mode, that is very draining.

I'm just going to throw the cat amongst the pigeons here....
For a while (many many years ago) I was just like your friend. I did have mental health issues, but a lot of my behaviour stemmed from being insecure, lonely and attention seeking. I was good fun a lot of the time (partying) but I was not a good friend and I leant on others far too much without treating them well.

I made a new friend at work and we were very close, but inevitably I started to lean on her too. One night I phoned her, very drunk and very upset about the latest man who I had allowed to treat me like shit. She said some things to me that were a massive wake up call.
She told me that she enjoyed my company but being friends with her was a two way street. I couldn't expect her to drop everything in her own life on a whim. She said that she knew I was struggling with life and she wanted to help me, but there were limits. If I was lonely I could join her and her family for a day over the weekend (going to the park, cooking and eating a meal together, watching a film etc) but I could not wake her up and cry down the phone every weekend because this was not friendship. Her words held up a mirror to me and made me behave differently not just with her but other friends also. Likewise, hanging out in a proper loving environment and having a bit of structure in making meals, being around kids etc really helped my mental health and over issues (surprisingly a heck of a lot more than getting pissed, having one night stands and sitting alone in my flat all weekend!)

OP, maybe you don't need to grow enough of a backbone to cut this person off. Maybe you need to grow enough of a backbone to lay down the law and see how she responds. She might become a better friend.
I ended up becoming quite an integral part in the lives of my friend's children when her job changed and I became part of a regular childcare arrangement. Not long after, I met someone special and entered into a stable relationship. We have now been married for 13 years and have a child of our own.

You already know that you need and want to end this ‘friendship’ (and it isn’t a friendship at all, you’ve merely been targeted by a needy self-centred person who’s taking advantage of you).

So the only question is, how to get away from her. I don’t think she is the sort of person you can step back and drift away from, as until she’s blocked, she will hound and hound you and stress you out until you play her games. She obviously seeks out and thrives on drama.

You’ve only known her two years and owe her nothing. I know she struggles with mental health and threatens self harm but you cannot allow her to blackmail you into being her slave for life. Personally I would send her a text message saying something like “Hi, this is awkward to say but for my own mental health and wellbeing I’ve recently taken the decision to end some friendships that are difficult for me. I’m reducing my social media contacts and downsizing facebook friends lists etc. I wish you all the best but I won’t be meeting up or messaging anymore. Best wishes, @cloudsandream .”

Then block her on everything (block, don’t just delete), and that’s it. You’re free. No more freezing flat or emotional blackmail.

Have you been a mug? No, you’ve been nice, and kind, and those are good things. You’ve been taken advantage of and perhaps need to get better at spotting assholes and cutting them out of your life faster, but please don’t let this experience put you off being a lovely person.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread, but if you haven't done so already:

Just tell her you're absolutely fed up of doing stuff with her and she's not to contact you again, and then block her.

It's perfectly acceptable to do that with some people who take take take and she'll move on to someone else.

shitontheshittingthing that is a lovely story and your friend sounds amazing. But you didn't sound like you were as demanding as OPs friend is.

@Janbohonut
I honestly was a total nightmare to everyone around me.

She has a new flat and this past Monday, i sat in her flat (cold, unfurnished, no heating or carpet) for over three hours to wait for the gas man to turn up just because she wanted to go shopping. I was frozen to the bone and when she came back, no thank you but simply complained the man never came.

YOU: " Yes, it's annoying for you that the gas man didn't come. It's even more annoying for me as I have wasted an entire afternoon whilst you have been out shopping AND I have been freezing cold as well! Please do not ask me to cover when the gas man says he is coming again, I am not willing to repeat this afternoon's dire experience! Bye!"

She’s since asked for money and furnishing despite me telling her I’m pretty broke myself.

YOU "Why are you asking me for money and furnishings when I have told you I am broke. I can't help. Bye"

She’s now taken it upon herself to ask what days i am free and what times so i can watch her flat whilst maintenance does her bits so she can do other stuff instead and be at her part time job

YOU "I am not going to give up all my free time because there is maintenance to do on your flat. You will have to make other arrangements! Bye"

Now she’s asked me to go on Thursday whilst carpets be put down. I don’t want to go

YOU. "I am not free on Thursday. You will have to make other arrangements! Bye!"

... the flat is freezing, and I have to travel and pay for my own taxis there and back. I’ve wasted hours of my time anyway and I’m tired of being her first point of call, despite us sharing other friends, because I don’t really tell her “no”

YOU "I am not willing to sit in your flat and get frozen to the bone again. I also cannot afford the taxi fares. I have my own things to do in my free time. You will have to make other arrangements. Bye!"

I feel awful but i want to be shot of her. She’s emotionally and physically draining with how much she needs and wants off me, it feels constant. I’ve left the group chat on many occasions because it’s so overwhelming, but she just adds me back

YOU ."Please do not add me back into the group chat. I will join myself if I want to be part of it. Bye" (if she does add again, just leave without comment!!

And asks me for things again

YOU "No, I can't do that. Bye"

Did she ever actually self harm, or was it all about controlling you? If she has, I would just look up some emergency numbers and give them to a mutual friend for her to pass on should she have a crisis again. You’ve done your bit, supporting a friend is one thing, being dragged into an abusive relationship is another. Walk away.

Leaches will drain you dry, then kick your husk aside and move on to the next

Oh, I was hoping for an update from @cloudsandream .

I hope you've managed to remove yourself from this situation and that you are in a much calmer place.

Op have you gone off in the taxi to flat sit again?

She's no friend. She thinks you're her skivvy.