Desperate to end friendship!!

[cloudsandream]

Apologies in advance about the length!

I met this friend around two years ago whilst we was studying on the same course. Whilst it was smooth sailing, it’s been bloody hard work since then.

She struggles with mental health so there’s been countless times me and our other friend have sat with her for hours whilst she has breakdowns, threatens to harm herself etc. These can last between hours and days and she will blow up my phone.

She also does things like meet up with men despite us saying they display red flags, and then cries how awful they was afterwards. I feel she takes no bloody advice from what I tell her. It’s then hours after trying to comfort her before the harm talk stirs up again.

Likewise, any plans made has to be okay with her otherwise we all aren’t going. It was my turn to choose for our date and on the last two occasions she complained and said we should go somewhere else instead. It’s her way or we don’t go at all.

Now my actual dilemma. She has a new flat and this past monday, i sat in her flat (cold, unfurnished, no heating or carpet) for over three hours to wait for the gas man to turn up just because she wanted to go shopping. I was frozen to the bone and when she came back, no thank you but simply complained the man never came.

She’s since asked for money and furnishing despite me telling her i’m pretty broke myself. She’s now taken it upon herself to ask what days i am free and what times so i can watch her flat whilst maintenance does her bits so she can do other stuff instead and be at her part time job.

Now she’s asked me to go on Thursday whilst carpets be put down. I don’t want to go, the flat is freezing, and i have to travel and pay for my own taxis there and back. I’ve wasted hours of my time anyway and i’m tired of being her first point of call, despite us sharing other friends, because I don’t really tell her “no”.

I feel awful but i want to be shot of her. She’s emotionally and physically draining with how much she needs and wants off me, it feels constant. I’ve left the groupchat on many occasions because it’s so overwhelming but she just adds me back and asks me for things again.

I get nothing from the friendship, it’s just me giving all and her just taking it. I understand she has issues but i’m fed up of it now, I want my life back before more favours come flooding in.

Aibu to end this friendship? I just feel bad because she has alot of problems.

OP you sound like a genuinely kind, good friend. Some people have been harsh in describing you and I think that’s unfair. It sounds like she is a practiced manipulator and she has essentially groomed you into this position.

Your energies and time are much better spent on true friendships. Please confide in a IRL friend who can help and support you through this. You need to cut this girl off immediately and completely. Then take some time for yourself and with true friends who aren’t using you.

Text her right now and say that you can't flat sit tomorrow and that in any case, you couldn't afford the taxi fares there and back, so best she makes other plans for Thursday, then block her.
If she somehow persists after that, tell her a few home truths!
You've obviously been a good friend and you deserve far better in return!

Any relationship should be mutually beneficial, but I don't think there is anything to be gained by you from this friendship. I don't believe in ghosting, but you have learn to tell her no. You need to have boundaries, if you don't then people will take advantage right through your life - partners, employers, MIL (a popular boundary pusher on here). Learning to say no to a soft target, such as a friend, will help your boundary skills with people who are much harder to say no to.

100 times this.

because I don’t really tell her “no”.

Say no - if you really can't say yes rethink and text no - or be much less reliable and less likely to turn up to flat sitting - the latter two aren't great approaches but do get the message across (having been on the end of that you learn to avoid).

Also not answering the phone or being very vague and hard to pin down -I'll have to see - well I don't know yet - yes we must arrange something next time - I'll have to get back to you and not doing so -well that sounds hard good luck with with it all.

She's not your friend, you are her servant. For your own sake, please learn to say "no", to keep saying it, even when you're being nagged/manipulated. This will only get worse, not better. And I dare say that her real problem is personality disorder and not "mental health" as such. She will bleed you dry and move on.

It's always good when the OP returns with an update or has further input

I ended a friendship for these reasons. The only thing I regret is ever being friends with her in the first place. She was also okay at first but within months was demanding constant attention and (unreciprocated) favours. She became very toxic when I withdrew from the friendship and attempted to get me dismissed (we were work colleagues). Ultimately I left that workplace and moved on to a better job. She was a main cause. No amount of 'no's' were ever enough to deter her. She drained me utterly. As you say, OP, you have run into one of life's takers. Get rid and don't look back. The self-harm threats are a manipulation tactic and not your responsibility.

Ah sorry! Just been busy and been taking the time to read every reply.

To the person who asked if she has a cat/dog she doesn’t.

Since this morning she has texted me on all platforms since i’ve decided to not reply just yet about Thursday, currently still growing my backbone.

Grow a backbone and stop taking her calls or responding to her requests.

You have a life of her own.

It's amazing how so many complete users can make friends so easily. Say no!

Just tell her you’re not available on Thursday or any other day and to stop hassling you

I’m in a similar situation but with a relative. For years I’ve bent over backwards to please them but it’s never enough. Everything is my fault and they are always the victim. Eventually you have to put yourself first and say enough is enough. Hope you can find the strength to end the friendship 💐

You have to start saying no that way she'll stop asking!

Don't reply at all. Protect that newly growing backbone. Its still fragile

I've been in your position before and people like her will drain you till you become a shadow of yourself.

You need to say no to her. She may guilt you, play the victim or use her MH to justify taking something from you but stand your ground. If she ignores you and pushes, then the only way is to block her and pretend she doesn't exist. As long as you keep talking to her for any reason, she will keep pushing for more.

I know some think blocking is immature but if you've tried everything and they're still bulldozing your boundaries, then its the only way.

Good luck.

Send a msg saying 'sorry I can't help, have a lot going on myself'. Then ignore any phone calls or further messages until you feel stronger to tackle the issue of whether to block. Don't worry about the wider friendship group for now. She'll probably move onto one of them or they already know what she's like.
Stay strong.

Just text back that you are not available Thursday or any other day to sort out her household problems. Every time she asks for a favour, money, to meet up etc just say No, not possible, not convenient etc, whichever you are most comfortable with. Don't get into explanations as to why you can't do her bidding, just decline. Then pull back, don't reply to her messages immediately, delay responding and ignore others. If she doesn't get the message, then block her.

If this user demands an explanation and you find your backbone you can tell her that you are tired of being used and that this relationship no longer works for you and has run it's course.

Good Luck Op.

currently still growing my backbone.

Given that you don't want to continue this "friendship" It should be easy to say that you aren't available and she will have to stay in or ask someone else.

She asks you all the time because she can. Simple.

She will disappear if you ask her for help!

I wish I could lend you strength to resist her emotional blackmail @cloudsandream
One last message, 'I am no longer available for any favours. Please respect this and do not ask again.'
Been in your shoes and it is tough. She is like a desperate ex trying to keep a connection. Cut off any communication.

Imagine that the texts she is sending you about Thursday read: "Hi Clouds, I've just done such a massive shit that it's blocked my loo! Will you come round and unblock it for me?"

Because that's what it's like. She's not asking you for a favour. She's asking you to take on the necessary but unpleasant jobs that are part of life. You or I wouldn't dream of asking someone to wait in for the gas man so that we could swan off shopping, but she has no compunction in asking you to, because she has fuck-all respect for you.

So answer her texts as if she had asked you to come round and stick your arm down her loo.

Am I right by saying everything you do has to benefit her?

She’s never gone out of her way to help you or be kind to you has she?

Everything has to revolve around her and her schedule and her needs?

She never asks if something is convenient for you?

If she is every inconvenienced she throws a massive fit? She doesn’t react calmly? She reacts in anger/upset and expects you to sort it all out?

She’s a fully grown and capable adult but incapable of doing anything for herself?

If you’ve answered yet to any of those OP, she isn’t your friend. She’s a manipulator. Probably a narcissist. She doesn’t care about you. Your merely a puppet and she is the puppet master.

If she was male and was your partner everyone would be saying this is abusive.

I believe she is emotionally abusing you. She is taking your nice nature for granted. And you do nothing about it. Because you are scared to upset or “inconvenience” her. You can’t be bothered with the backlash. You keep her happy to save the peace.

Stop doing this now!!!

Honestly OP, I see myself in you. I was in your shoes many years ago with a so call “friend”. She sounds so similar to what you describe.

You need to distance yourself, eventually cut the contact. You don’t owe her an explanation. She’ll get over it eventually and find someone new to unload all her shit onto.

You say you get nothing from the friendship OP but you clearly do. Or did. You enjoy being a rescuer. You get something from it. I know, because I used to be one of these people too.

The relief when you find you don't need to rescue people to boost your self esteem is a wonderful day.

Accept that you have played your part in the friendship getting to this point. And now you've had enough and you are taking control back. As is your right. Enjoy the power!

Good idea