Desperate to end friendship!!

[cloudsandream]

Apologies in advance about the length!

I met this friend around two years ago whilst we was studying on the same course. Whilst it was smooth sailing, it’s been bloody hard work since then.

She struggles with mental health so there’s been countless times me and our other friend have sat with her for hours whilst she has breakdowns, threatens to harm herself etc. These can last between hours and days and she will blow up my phone.

She also does things like meet up with men despite us saying they display red flags, and then cries how awful they was afterwards. I feel she takes no bloody advice from what I tell her. It’s then hours after trying to comfort her before the harm talk stirs up again.

Likewise, any plans made has to be okay with her otherwise we all aren’t going. It was my turn to choose for our date and on the last two occasions she complained and said we should go somewhere else instead. It’s her way or we don’t go at all.

Now my actual dilemma. She has a new flat and this past monday, i sat in her flat (cold, unfurnished, no heating or carpet) for over three hours to wait for the gas man to turn up just because she wanted to go shopping. I was frozen to the bone and when she came back, no thank you but simply complained the man never came.

She’s since asked for money and furnishing despite me telling her i’m pretty broke myself. She’s now taken it upon herself to ask what days i am free and what times so i can watch her flat whilst maintenance does her bits so she can do other stuff instead and be at her part time job.

Now she’s asked me to go on Thursday whilst carpets be put down. I don’t want to go, the flat is freezing, and i have to travel and pay for my own taxis there and back. I’ve wasted hours of my time anyway and i’m tired of being her first point of call, despite us sharing other friends, because I don’t really tell her “no”.

I feel awful but i want to be shot of her. She’s emotionally and physically draining with how much she needs and wants off me, it feels constant. I’ve left the groupchat on many occasions because it’s so overwhelming but she just adds me back and asks me for things again.

I get nothing from the friendship, it’s just me giving all and her just taking it. I understand she has issues but i’m fed up of it now, I want my life back before more favours come flooding in.

Aibu to end this friendship? I just feel bad because she has alot of problems.

Block and find something else to do. Tell her you've got too much on to help for the moment first, so you're not just ghosting her.

I feel like she must have installed some sort of trauma bond in you OP, otherwise surely you'd have dropped her like a hot brick long ago. I'm thinking that must have happened during this phase:
'She struggles with mental health so there’s been countless times me and our other friend have sat with her for hours whilst she has breakdowns, threatens to harm herself etc'
now the others have deserted her so she works especially hard to keep you dancing to her tune?

@Stressedmum2017 is iMO spot on.

A drama queen attention seeker, too.

Block her on ALL platforms and get on with your life.

Whatever THAT is, it certainly isn't friendship.

Do some assertiveness training to help you, or buy a well reviewed assertiveness book.

If you want a miserable stressful future, continue to allow people like her take your peace.

If you don't, the minute they try and use you, you back away promptly.

This is who she is and always will be.
Rip off the plaster and block her.
You will feel better for it.
Tell the other friend that you are done and want NOTHING further to do with her.

She sees you as a soft touch, a mug, a fool.

You really don't have to be.

Life is too short and sadly users are ten a penny.

Good luck.

Curious of what your mum and dad was like, also a people pleaser? Or why didn’t they teach you necessary life skills, because it’s not normal to let people treat you like this and not even knowing if yabu or not.

OP, have you heard of the old saying,

fool me once, shame on you;
fool me twice, shame on me.

think on.

I've met people like this before and it won't improve. She'll just move onto the next person once you're done anyway so make that time now before she ruins your Xmas. Reply to her message saying "Sorry mate, I'm done with all the favours and the drama. I wish you well but our friendship hasbedn a one way street. I won't be in contact again, all the best" And then block on everything. I promise you won't regret it.

Fuck me, that's a bit unnecessarily nasty!

Sorry I voted YABU because you are being used and you aren’t saying no to the user.

My advice would be to block her on all platforms (such as Facebook and Messenger and even Twitter) and leave her with WhatsApp. Then you can mute the group that she is in and she is contacting you on. You can mute her too so that she can't contact you outside of the group.

If she phones you, block that number on your phone.

Then if she contacts you on WhatsApp say that your phone has been acting up but no, you don't want to sit in her cold flat while she galavants off all over the place. She needs to make time for the service people she has made appointments with and stay in herself.
If she keeps on at you, send her this link:
www.taskrabbit.co.uk/services/shopping-delivery/waiting-in-line
She can pay someone to queue/wait for her gas man/painter/decorator/whoever.

I find a text reply of "No thanks" works in most situations when people are always asking you for favours you don't want to do.

You don't need to explain
Just reply "No thanks" and ignore everything else

If she blows up your phone and other platforms, block her

Then take a deep sigh of relief.
You know she's not a real friend nor is this friendship worth saving
It is making you ill

She won't listen to whatever you say, as she's so far beyond unreasonable she treats you like her personal maid. So don't give her any opportunity to argue back or try to persuade you- a 'no thanks' is all she needs to hear. Less is more sometimes.

Happy blocking!!

I also have a friend I’d like to be rid of. She’s an unbearable narcissist who (literally) doesn’t listen to a word I say. But getting rid of friends isn’t always easy. That’s why I’m very careful who I allow into my life.

Say yes and agree to her request. Then don't turn up and don't answer your phone.

You have other options such as saying NO to her requests, and find new friends.

Ask her to do something for you tomorrow... or ask to borrow money for Wednesday.

Use her reply as a model for your own reply about Thursday.

Rehearse the word that is not yes:

You:
No, I can't do Thurs.
No, Thurs isn't convenient.

Her likely reply: why can't you - you promised - I need you to - you'd be letting me down - how could you fail me like this - what will I do- other friends wouldn't leave me like this...

You:
I can't do Thursday
It isn't convenient

Don't use too many additional words and avoid explaining your reasons as this opens things up for her to make suggestions/demands about how it can be made to work for her.

(NOTE: Not wanting to do something is a perfectly sound reason for not doing it.)

OP, it's as if you came on here expecting other magical ways of saying no without actually saying but there's only one way to do that, which is to ghost & block her. If you're not prepared to do this, then I'm afraid you're going to HAVE to say no in one way or another. There is no other option.

I agree with Tiani4, "No thanks" is a good response. It puts the other person on the back foot as it doesn't completely make sense and there's no comeback they can give that will quite fit both their question and your answer. It's also completely polite so they can't accuse you of being rude or mean or selfish.

YANBU for wanting to make this break - in fact in sounds essential because you are being taken for a mug. However, YABU for letting it get this far - if you feel resentful about what you are doing, you need to seriously look at making some changes.

Block her. She's not a friend, she's a user.

You wouldn't treat a person you liked like this, don't you like and respect yourself? Don't allow yourself to be treated badly, it encourages more because the perp thinks you have no self-respect and will put up with it. (They sure wouldn't!)

Block her everywhere, then don't worry about how you'll say no.

I'm afraid FlissyPaps has got it spot on and I recognise everything that is in her post.

She is really not a friend if she keeps manipulating you like this.

Someone else mentioned trauma bond which is why you keep acquiescing to her demands.

You mental health and self esteem will be elevated once you've found the strength to say no to her and stick with it.

Since this morning she has texted me on all platforms since i’ve decided to not reply just yet about Thursday, currently still growing my backbone.

And OP I would not mind betting that in none of the messages she has said thank you for the last time you helped or asked how you are?

It's easier said than done, but by the sound of it you'd be best off cutting her out of your life completely. If you really can't, for your own sanity, you need to put up some clear & firm boundaries quickly. She is more than likely going to try and rebel against these new boundaries that she isn't used to you using and she's learnt that the louder she shouts and the more she acts out, the more she gets her needs met. This time you need to say no, commit to the fact you said no, avoid over-explaining why and then remove any way for her to contact you for a few days.

Not necessarily. Sometimes you need someone to point out the toxic dynamics you've learned. That's how I learned in my early 30s that boundaries were okay and didn't make me mean, inflexible and difficult (all ideas my mother had instilled in me). I wish someone had taught me that at least ten years earlier.

You sound like an absolutely wonderful friend . It's hard when we are too nice and I'm sorry to say from experience that the only thing that happens is these granny friends just keep taking . I had to grow a backbone like you say but still struggle today as I love helping and hate to think of anyone struggling . I went through the whole 'making an excuse' as to why I couldn't help and with people as thick skinned as your friend they come back with something to cancel out your excuse !! I've learned now that NO is a complete sentence . No excuses as you don't owe her anything. I'm a big wuss tho and would recommend typing no and sending immediately before you bottle it !! Xx

I Hope you have managed to take something from PP and say no to this woman, OP.

As others have said, this will get worse. It won't ever be the friendship you want it to be.
You see her as a friend, she sees you as that woman she knows that will help her when she needs it 'because she's so nice'.

I had a toxic group of friends a while ago, yes there were at least two of them behaving this way. I told them I couldn't go to an event because I didn't have enough money (I actually didn't want to go) and they drew up a payment plan for me to pay it off monthly and quizzed me aggressively about why I couldn't afford repayments. It was so utterly bizarre, they get desperate when you start growing a back bone. Why were they so desperate for me o go to the event? They wanted to use me as a taxi as I don't drink.

The more you push back, the more aggressive and intense they tend to get. If you can't handle that OP, say no and block.