Desperate to end friendship!!

[cloudsandream]

Apologies in advance about the length!

I met this friend around two years ago whilst we was studying on the same course. Whilst it was smooth sailing, it’s been bloody hard work since then.

She struggles with mental health so there’s been countless times me and our other friend have sat with her for hours whilst she has breakdowns, threatens to harm herself etc. These can last between hours and days and she will blow up my phone.

She also does things like meet up with men despite us saying they display red flags, and then cries how awful they was afterwards. I feel she takes no bloody advice from what I tell her. It’s then hours after trying to comfort her before the harm talk stirs up again.

Likewise, any plans made has to be okay with her otherwise we all aren’t going. It was my turn to choose for our date and on the last two occasions she complained and said we should go somewhere else instead. It’s her way or we don’t go at all.

Now my actual dilemma. She has a new flat and this past monday, i sat in her flat (cold, unfurnished, no heating or carpet) for over three hours to wait for the gas man to turn up just because she wanted to go shopping. I was frozen to the bone and when she came back, no thank you but simply complained the man never came.

She’s since asked for money and furnishing despite me telling her i’m pretty broke myself. She’s now taken it upon herself to ask what days i am free and what times so i can watch her flat whilst maintenance does her bits so she can do other stuff instead and be at her part time job.

Now she’s asked me to go on Thursday whilst carpets be put down. I don’t want to go, the flat is freezing, and i have to travel and pay for my own taxis there and back. I’ve wasted hours of my time anyway and i’m tired of being her first point of call, despite us sharing other friends, because I don’t really tell her “no”.

I feel awful but i want to be shot of her. She’s emotionally and physically draining with how much she needs and wants off me, it feels constant. I’ve left the groupchat on many occasions because it’s so overwhelming but she just adds me back and asks me for things again.

I get nothing from the friendship, it’s just me giving all and her just taking it. I understand she has issues but i’m fed up of it now, I want my life back before more favours come flooding in.

Aibu to end this friendship? I just feel bad because she has alot of problems.

If you want to be a friend to her, support her to visit her GP to get help, or sit down with her and look at the support she might be entitled to.

Definitely need to set boundaries and be less available.

if you keep doing all this stuff you allow her to not address the roots of the issues she’s dealing with. No one normally needs this level of help from their friends. There’s obviously something else going on here whether that’s mental health or a completely unrealistic attitude towards friends. By going along with it she will never need to address these issues. Just tell her your busy all the time. If you struggle maybe sign yourself up to a course or something just for you and that’s what you’re always going to be busy with when she asks. You also need to look at and better understand how you agreed to all this in the first place. You need to make sure this doesn’t happen again

Honestly, I don't know. Because I'm not a weak person and have no problems asserting myself when needs be. But something about how these people operate messes with your head and you find yourself on the other side of some cheeky fuckwittery and have no idea how you got there.

It doesn't sound remotely likely that she would do any of this for you, so you shouldn't feel guilty about saying no. You're not her 'staff'!

Time to step away, be much less available, and wind things down.

Exactly this - if she does have a personality disorder she actually won’t really care if she loses you as a friend, she’ll just be pissed off that she’s lost another person to manipulate.

I’m sorry you’re getting flack from the ‘grow a backbone’ police - they have a valid point but probably haven’t dealt with the type of personality you’re dealing with - there is a level of manipulation that comes with some personality disorders that are incredibly strong and it’s actually quite easy to fall into their traps if you’ve not met them before.

my advice is to tell her you can’t be friends anymore - some people cannot understand boundaries and will never respect them.

I think they key to everything is in your own words .... 'I dont really say no'.

You have to start saying no. No explanation needed. Be firm. Say no and she'll look for an easier mark. She is completely taking advantage of you. As long as you keep saying yes....albeit begrudgingly....shes going to keep leaning on you to do the sit stuff she doesnt want to do. I say with love....grow a backbone and stop being such a doormat! Your future self will thank you. She doesnt even sound like much of a friend, or someone who all the hassle it worth it for. GET RUTHLESS. She's a user.

Why can't you say no? You're letting her treat you like crap.

Why aren't you angry with her? Why not just say "Look, I sat freezing my arse off in your unheated flat for three hours on Monday waiting for the gas man and you didn't even say thank you. Like fuck am I going to repeat the experience on Thursday."

Friends don't do that to friends, therefore she's not your friend, therefore why does it matter if you part on bad terms?

Exactly.

I've been in a friendship like this - I don't think you're a mug I think you've just tried to be a good friend. I realised my friend was emotionally dumping on me, I read up on how toxic it is and how different it is from venting. She is using you as an emotional dumping ground. I stepped back from the friendship completely. When she started hounding me I told her honestly that I needed some space because I felt that she was emotionally dumping and i wasn't in the right space to support her.

I'm guessing she latched onto you very quickly and suddenly you were the "best friend she's ever had", then the bad decisions start to happen but you think she just has bad luck, and then she's calling you threatening to hurt herself but you feel like you have to be kind as you don't want to be responsible for her harming herself.

Yeah, I've known loads like it. Like others say, she's likely got a personality disorder. They follow the same pattern. Single (not saying everyone who is single has a PD!), with a string of unsuitable partners, lots of "friends" but when you look a bit closer they just inject themselves into others lives and they don't really have any meaningful friends. They just use people until they are no longer giving them anything and then move onto the next victim.

I like to think of them as emotional vampires, they thrive off the drama and your kindness until you have all the joy sapped out of you.

@cloudsandream She is no friend to you. She’s a grade A user and attention seeker.
I’d absolutely sever all ties with such a self -centred arsehole.

Stop being such a wet lettuce and just say no for goodness sake!

I say this with love, as someone who has been in your exact shoes, cut it off asap. The longer it goes on the more resentment builds up and the more toxic it will get. There are always just some people in the world who think they're entitled to it all and just see "friends" as little personal servants.
Remove yourself from the group chat, block their number, ignore all contact and crack on with your life!

Some people have an instinctive talent for manipulation. It may be unconscious but that doesn't make it less damaging to you. I think you need to start by figuring out what is stopping you from saying no. What is it that you are afraid will happen if you tell her no?

I understand that it's not as easy as "just say no," because that's not how conversation works with some people. For example I noticed in your original post she asked you what days and times you are free so you could spend your time waiting for/supervising the maintenance workers. In other words, she already knew she couldn't just say, "Hey, I have to work on Friday, can you be there from 2 to 4 pm for the carpet guy?" because she knows you could then say, "Sorry, I'm busy on Friday" (well, how about Tuesday?), or "sorry, I have a busy week" (how about next week?) or even "No that doesn't work for me" (what do you mean that doesn't work for you? Look how much flexibility I am giving you, you can pick any day or time!).

I felt exhausted by the time I got to the end of your third paragraph! Just stop running round after her.

Text, "Sorry can't help on Thursday. Hope you sort something out." Job done. And ignore/block any follow up calls or texts.

@cloudsandream Other posters are right.
This user is an emotional vampire.
Take, take, take, drain, drain, use use use, take, demand, oh poor meeee poor meeee poor me! Take, take, use use

Her so say friends will be sucked dry and discarded.
You are a willing victim, offering up her metaphorical neck to a practiced user.
Say NO
I doubt if you’ll hear from her again.

Block and move on.

Actually, @alorismakes a really good point about looking like she's being flexible, but what she's actually doing is asking for your availability so she can arrange for trades to come round when you are free to wait in for them. This isn't a case of asking you to do it when she genuinely can't, you're not the back-up plan, you ARE the plan. Simply put, she is taking the utter piss and clearly values her own time far more than she does yours.

Edit: “Offering up your neck “ that should be.
“No” is a very empowering word.
Emotional Vampires can’t argue against a simple NO.

I'd block her now and have done with it.

Practice saying ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO, I CAN'T. I'M NOT ABLE TO HELP.

Stop saying sorry, it's not convenient, I'm busy. That just gives her to chance to say when is it convenient, when are you free?

She's not a friend and she's using the mental health card to get you do her bidding.

Withdraw from her completely, she's not adding any joy to your life.

Hi OP, you really need to start saying no when she asks you to do favours, and not answering the phone when she is “on one”

You are allowed to say no. You don’t need to do everything someone else wants you to do. You need to protect yourself. There is a difference to being a good friend and being a walkover.

it does look like you have a massive lack of personal boundaries and possibly low self esteem. Is there any way you can access some sort of counselling to help with this?

Google Energy Vampires, she'll use you, suck you dry and move on. If you continue to see her, set boundaries and stick to them. If you continue to feel used, you only have yourself to blame.

I would do all of this for my bestie, but I get a lot out of the friendship and she would do it for me.

There is no way I would do this for anyone else. Tell her no. Suspect it will end the friendship anyway. She seems a right user

i’m tired of being her first point of call, despite us sharing other friends, because I don’t really tell her “no”.

So tell her no, then.