Desperate to end friendship!!

[cloudsandream]

Apologies in advance about the length!

I met this friend around two years ago whilst we was studying on the same course. Whilst it was smooth sailing, it’s been bloody hard work since then.

She struggles with mental health so there’s been countless times me and our other friend have sat with her for hours whilst she has breakdowns, threatens to harm herself etc. These can last between hours and days and she will blow up my phone.

She also does things like meet up with men despite us saying they display red flags, and then cries how awful they was afterwards. I feel she takes no bloody advice from what I tell her. It’s then hours after trying to comfort her before the harm talk stirs up again.

Likewise, any plans made has to be okay with her otherwise we all aren’t going. It was my turn to choose for our date and on the last two occasions she complained and said we should go somewhere else instead. It’s her way or we don’t go at all.

Now my actual dilemma. She has a new flat and this past monday, i sat in her flat (cold, unfurnished, no heating or carpet) for over three hours to wait for the gas man to turn up just because she wanted to go shopping. I was frozen to the bone and when she came back, no thank you but simply complained the man never came.

She’s since asked for money and furnishing despite me telling her i’m pretty broke myself. She’s now taken it upon herself to ask what days i am free and what times so i can watch her flat whilst maintenance does her bits so she can do other stuff instead and be at her part time job.

Now she’s asked me to go on Thursday whilst carpets be put down. I don’t want to go, the flat is freezing, and i have to travel and pay for my own taxis there and back. I’ve wasted hours of my time anyway and i’m tired of being her first point of call, despite us sharing other friends, because I don’t really tell her “no”.

I feel awful but i want to be shot of her. She’s emotionally and physically draining with how much she needs and wants off me, it feels constant. I’ve left the groupchat on many occasions because it’s so overwhelming but she just adds me back and asks me for things again.

I get nothing from the friendship, it’s just me giving all and her just taking it. I understand she has issues but i’m fed up of it now, I want my life back before more favours come flooding in.

Aibu to end this friendship? I just feel bad because she has alot of problems.

Firm no.

She's just a user, she would never do anything for you but will continue to use you until you say no. Then you won't see her for dust until she finds another victim.

Agree with the above. This is the best way. Texting is your best method. Just keep replying. No sorry, I'm not available to do that.

She's contacting you on all platforms, demanding a reply? That's such a bully move. Are these private or public messages? Outrageous if they are public.

Also, what's the worst that can happen if you do say no?
She might complain about you? But so what if she does...
People who know her and know you will easily spot her nonsense a mile off and more because she will be asking them to do the things you are currently helping her with.

Remove yrself as its a 1 way friendship. Dont answer Yr phone occasionally, same with texts and group chats etc. Be busy, say u have to go into town urself. If she wants u at her flat say u can't afford the cab right at that moment. Have an appointment yrself. If she has time/energy etc to meet up with men she seems capable of looking after herself. The breakdowns seem more atte tion seeking than needing any actual help, no?

Cut her off. You’re busy. You have things to do too. She’s using you. By all means remain friends, but on your terms. Don’t let her take you for granted.

I had a friend like this. After I was diagnosed with cancer I messaged her asking for support and she told me to F**k off then ghosted me. Some months later she tried to get in touch via a mutual acquaintance and I declined.

This! You've been lovely, but you've done enough - too much really! She's an absolute user .... get out, your conscious can be clear!

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but if it’s WhatsApp you can select people (or all people) to not be able to add you to group chats.

My advice .. end the friendship. It won't get any better.

I was in a very similar situation. Also met her whilst studying. The people saying just say no etc, that is easier said than done especially when the person is controlling, aggressive, domineering and a complete nightmare - which is all the things my friend was. She would constantly be on rants, screaming at her kids, ringing my phone off the hook, turning up at my door. It was like being in an abusive relationship. I tried to end it but she went crazy then acted like nothing happened. Eventually, after 5 very long miserable, anxious years, I just started to take longer to answer messages, not call her back, not make any plans and she just stopped calling. Is that bad.. maybe. But she had me on edge all the time. She was quite horrible to me. Haven't spoken to her in over a year and I do not miss her one bit.

Wishing you the best. I know it's a horrible situation to be in and hopefully you will be out of it soon.

My thoughts entirely.

Wow! What you've described is an abusive relationship.

Like you, my "friend" went nuts whenever I said no. One time they rang when I had family over and we were travelling up to attend a funeral the next day, I tried to tell them I wasn't available and had family to tend to. Well, they hung up on me and told me to forget about them. I never felt such relief but also anger that they had no empathy at all.

Unfortunately, I was hoovered 6 months later after ignoring their emails and the cycle started again. In the end, I stopped answering them completely and even though I was accosted on my way to work, I pretty much ran past them.

OP, people like that who don't take "No" for an answer will seriously damage your mental health, so it is imperative that you rid yourself of this person.

So reply via the platform that most people will see and say NO. Sorry, I am no longer available to house sit your contractors. Maybe someone else can help you if you genuinely can't be there yourself.

Seeing as you want out of the friendship, just say no every time she asks for something. Don't make excuses, just say 'No, I can't.' She'll soon catch on

Definitely do not try and maintain this so called friendship. Don't try set boundaries.

You need to get completely rid of this person. There's no helping her and she's put you through alot of crap as it is, things I personally would not forgive.

Save yourself the stress. Definitely cut ties with her. Up to you how you do this, send a text, give her a call, to explain you do not want this friendship anymore and will no longer be there. Or just straight up block and ignore.

Good luck.

You don’t need to end the friendship - just have it on your terms and she will probably end it once she’s not getting what she wants. Just tell her no to the carpets - it’s too cold, taxi fares and you don’t have the time to spare! Why don’t you go out unless she chooses venue? It’s ridiculous op - just say no.

This is an easy one, and I say this as a people pleaser- just say sorry, you are busy and sorry, you don't have spare money. Then change the subject.

She knows currently you won't say no so is taking advantage. Learn not to stop everything when she texts etc. it's not easy, but gets easier

Once you start saying no, I think she’ll stop contacting you herself pretty sharpish!

Why would you put up with this?

Yanbu. Be strong say no about Thurs. What's the worst that can happen? She takes a strop and never speaks to you again? Sounds ideal!

This isn't a friendship. She is using you. Don't feel bad putting your foot down. Start with tomorrow.

'Sorry, that doesn't work for me'.

Then ignore all further messages.

Genius!

There are a few things here.
Firstly if she is threatening to harm herself you need to call the police/ambulance or MHT single point of access. It isn't your job to manage her MH and she needs professional help.
Second, the flat is not your responsibility and she needs to arrange appointments when she is free.
Third, you need to put in boundaries of what you are prepared to offer and then stick to this. If you want to end the friendship, don't just block her, explain why and signpost her to services that can help.

Some people do have MH conditions that show up like this, BPD is very similar and needs treatment. You have done more than enough now, step away and get your life back.

’ I’m not available to help Thursday or any other day, I helped the other day for 3 hours and didn’t even get a thank you. This friendship isn’t working out for me, it is all take on your side and I am emotionally drained. I wish you the best with your mental health, but now I need to put mine first and step away from you’

You have given her enough of your time, she cannot use mental health issues as an excuse to be a selfish user forever. You won’t regret getting rid!

Drop her at once. Just say no in any way you want. Nicely, snappishly, whatever and then block her. If you don't block her, don't take her calls anymore or reply to texts. Defriend her on Facebook. Get this witch out of your life at once. Good luck 🙂.