To ignore friends hints for money

[Moneylender]

I have a friend who told me a couple of weeks ago on a night out that she had no money, and was in a bit of debt. She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks. I’d had a drink so didn’t think about the logistics behind her being out, but ended up settling our bill, DH also gave her £100 to get her through the week.

A few days later I lent her £500 but I’ve told her I can wait until after Christmas for the money back, seen as she has children and we are not struggling financially.

Since then she’s hinted a couple of times that she is really stressed / struggling mentally over this debt and only needs “x” amount more to be out of the red. I have said that she shouldn’t be getting into more debt to clear others but she just keeps reiterating how hard it is so I’ve started ignoring her.

I feel extremely guilty, but DH has said under no circumstances am I to give her any more money. He also doesn’t know it was £500 I lent her out of my savings, just that I lent money. I’m not working as I’m starting my own business, so DH is the only income we have so it is really up to him.

To add, since I have been ignoring her hints she hasn’t really messaged much, whereas she would usually text me multiple times a day/ call over for coffee etc.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months. DH works a lot and I don’t want to be lonely, but then another part of me thinks that she knows this and is trying to take advantage of me. What are your thoughts mumsnetters?

FFS, we really don’t need a Piir Menz post on every bloody thread 🙄

It came out of her savings and she already feels bad about it.

*poor menz

You won't see any of that £600 back. Its gone.
You won't see her around much longer. By Christmas she'll be gone.

How much do you think part timers with children earn to be able to pay back that amount? I think you should hand all financial situations to your husband as you seriously have no clue about anything.

If you have to pay her or she doesn't contact you then she's not a friend. She's a leech.

You've given her £600 (you know you won't be seeing that again), having only known her a short amount of time. I think you are bonkers handing her any money, even if you were well off. I'm not convinced she was the friend you thought she was, sounds like she was looking for a cash cow, the fact she's now avoiding contacting you is very telling.

I'd write the friendship off but attempt to recover the money, a payment plan to pay you back should be put into place, I doubt she will stick to it though.

If a friend asks for money and you loan it to them you lose the money and a 'friend'.

If a friend asks for money and you DON'T it to them then you only lose a 'friend'.

FFS, we really don’t need a Piir Menz post on every bloody thread 🙄
It came out of her savings and she already feels bad about it

yea but in reverse gender it's ''their savings/their inheritance''.

OP you sound lovely honestly but I've been in your shoes and a long time later seruouosy regretted it when the person used me like a free ATM. She then dumped me entirely when I got cancer and couldn't work or earn money.

Wow.

I think you’ve lent her some money as she needs it and that’s fine. She may not be able to pay you back.. she’s a good friend- fine.
The phrase ‘it’s up to DH as he’s the only one working’ bothered me though.. even then your finances should be joint so I don’t like the sound of that phrase personally. But I get what you meant… It doesn’t sound like you can afford to help her any more by giving money.
can you help her in other ways? Free childcare, help with meals or point her in the direction of places she could turn to? Can she get a job/do you know anyone who might be able to offer her a job? Why is she in this problematic situation - something sinister you could help her out of?
good luck. You could say to her you can’t afford any more money but you’re still there for her and can do XYZ. xx

@fdgdfgdfgdfg “I'd be bloody leaving you if you'd chucked £500 of family money at a friend without even talking to me about it first.”

You can’t be serious!!? You would get rid of your partner for the sake of £500??? Either you are mega tight with money or you don’t care that much about your marriage! It’s £500 not £50k

You're not a friend to her, you're a mark. Is that what you want to be?

Lots of mentions of £500 but isn't it £600 as your DH gave her £100 the night you went out.

You won't see it again. I'm afraid I don't believe for a moment that she needs even more than that right now to feed her children, so she's clearly seeing how much she can get from you.

Please don't look at it as losing a friend. She's the one who has lost a friend.

A fool and her partners money are soon parted!

Well the money's gone. I did this once. This friend then did a moonlit flit. What came to light was that three months previous she had opened electric, gas accounts in my name as if I was a new tenant. That took some sorting out 🙈

I understand how that meant and luckily that’s not our dynamic - he wouldn’t ever make me ask for money and we do share everything other than savings we had before we met eachother, as we have never bothered to merge them. The majority of my savings are not in Sterling as we didn’t always live here, and so he asks me not to spend them and just to spend his wages as the exchange rate is so crap. DH works a blue collar job so had a period of time during covid where he didn’t work and so I was the sole earner, so I think it is generally quite balanced.

that’s why I would run spending by him…

she does have a part time job, I don’t think she could work much more hours than she does with the kids. I have also offered childcare etc previously but she has wanted it at her home but I’m too busy to spend the day sat in someone else’s home when I’ve things to get on with at my own 😂.

YANBU OP, £500 is a lot. Definitely don't give her any more.

Sounds like she gets stuff on credit cards which is a big mistake, she needs to learn to budget- it is possible for those of us who are 'poor.'

You lost me at her being on a night out when she only had £30 to feed her two young children for the next couple of weeks. You've been a mug.

You must have missed the bit where I said it was my savings. Not my husbands.

You sound very chill and kind, and she's a user. If she can't support her kids, why did she have them? Where is their father? Who was watching them while she was out drinking?

I don't think you'll see her money again but at least you now will see her coming and can dodge any further sob stories.

I recall similar situation many years ago now. I was a SAHP and my husband was the main earner.

I'd lent a friend in similar circumstances £100. This was in the 1980's so it was a lot of money.

My husband found out and he was cross. I knew he'd say no so hadn't told him.

When the first repayment instalment didn't materialise (I was easy to avoid) he went to her house and formulated a repayment plan she would keep to. She repaid him, no one would dare do otherwise. She stopped asking for more loans.

I wouldn't have asked for it back. She needed it more that we did.

We are down over 50k due to BIL and SIL. We were supposed to get the larger loans back when they sold their business but we didn't. Found out later when the tap was turned off here BIL had gone round every other sibling for a few grand and then to cousins and then to friends for a few hundred here and there. The list is long. He would do it more than once and use money from one person to pay back another for an initial loan and then they would get bitten further down the line. We think it's horrible not to talk to people about it as it's 'shaming' someone but it helps them hide what they are doing and stops the next person from being taken in. If I were in genuine need I would be going to family and charities for help before people I don't know that well. I would also be doing whatever I could to keep my own costs down and pay family back. Also have another BIL who was lent a couple of grand a few months ago who came back and asked for a couple of hundred recently. I think he probably feels that we couldn't say no to a 'small' sum. DH said no and I know it was hard for him to do. The money we lost was inheritance and our income is only sufficient to meet our needs.

I wouldn't write it off and think it's ok for her to not pay it back.

Not unless you're absolutely minted and £500 doesn't matter in the slightest.

Unfortunately your kind hearted nature has been preyed upon and this woman sees you as being someone weak who she can tap for money.

I clarified in a further post that I did leave someone over them loaning shared money to a friend. It was £3000 rather than £500, and it properly screwed us over, but it wasn't just about the money. This was something that affected us both, and she hadn't even spoken to me about it. I had to find out from bank statements.

Yes, it was a lot more money in my case, but OP has lent this money to someone she's only known for a few months. Its unlikely she'll get it back. If your partner walked up to you and burnt £500 in front of you, you'd think they were nuts and probably run away as fast as you could. This is no different really.