To ignore friends hints for money

[Moneylender]

I have a friend who told me a couple of weeks ago on a night out that she had no money, and was in a bit of debt. She has two very young children and said she only had £30 to last a few weeks. I’d had a drink so didn’t think about the logistics behind her being out, but ended up settling our bill, DH also gave her £100 to get her through the week.

A few days later I lent her £500 but I’ve told her I can wait until after Christmas for the money back, seen as she has children and we are not struggling financially.

Since then she’s hinted a couple of times that she is really stressed / struggling mentally over this debt and only needs “x” amount more to be out of the red. I have said that she shouldn’t be getting into more debt to clear others but she just keeps reiterating how hard it is so I’ve started ignoring her.

I feel extremely guilty, but DH has said under no circumstances am I to give her any more money. He also doesn’t know it was £500 I lent her out of my savings, just that I lent money. I’m not working as I’m starting my own business, so DH is the only income we have so it is really up to him.

To add, since I have been ignoring her hints she hasn’t really messaged much, whereas she would usually text me multiple times a day/ call over for coffee etc.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months. DH works a lot and I don’t want to be lonely, but then another part of me thinks that she knows this and is trying to take advantage of me. What are your thoughts mumsnetters?

Send her a link to stepchange. They are excellent at helping people out of debt. If she hints again, ask her what stepchange said. Ask her if she'd like to set up a payment plan with you starting after Christmas, say £50-£100 a month?

Deliberately misunderstand any hints, and tell her you and your husband are also having to tighten your belts.

Don't give her any more money, you aren't helping her by giving her more debt to pay. I doubt you'll see your money back, she sounds like a user.

This ^

I'm amazed you lent £600 to someone you've only know a few months. You say it won't set you back or that you won't be without but unless you have 10s of thousands of savings and regularly donate this amount to charity you are going without something from giving this money away.

If this op was reverse gender, the husband had left work to start up a business and the wife was the earner and he gave away 500 quid I can not imagine the responses would be so compassionate.

To all the people saying op was a good soul etc for giving her the 500 quid, if an op came on mn saying she was supporting her husband and he gave his friend 500 quid he'd be called a cock lodger and roasted

This.

I suspect you'll see her less and less if you aren't giving her money, and I forsee issues when you try to get your cash back ... this is a tale as old as time unfortunately.... I've been silly enough to fall for it myself in the past

She's taking you for a mug and an easy mark.

You gave her £500 just like that, on top of a previous loan. Then said 'don't worry about paying me back until after Christmas'.

She thinks you are minted. You can whistle for that money.

If she's had £600 extra off you in the past couple of weeks, then she shouldn't be hurting for money right now.
If I had an extra £600 in my budget for a month I'd notice it.

Not that it's your job to lend it to her & I doubt you'll ever get it back, or if you do it will be £10 here & there with loans requested in between for higher amounts than she gives you back.

She does still work there, still has money issues, never paid anyone back that she had previously borrowed money from, and now gets roundly ignored when she starts her regular 'I'm so broke' stories. Subsequently someone found out she has a weed habit and likes a drop of vodka a bit too often so there's probably something else going on in her life as well as the lack of cash.

Blimey that's completely bizarre! Well, all the scrounging colleague stories are in wtf territory, but this is a turbo version! Do you think any of the other blokes have caved in and that's why she's still playing this tune?

You would be unwise to lend your friend any more money, frankly. I doubt if you will see the £500 again and in your place, if I could afford it, I would write it off and tell her to forget it but you cannot do it again. You and husband have been good to her and I sympathise as someone who was very hard up when younger. However you can't go around asking friends; parents, yes, but I assume that isn't on the cards for her. There are ways of organising debt (I did back in the day), and perhaps you could investigate and help your friend in that regard.

You have done enough, you probably won’t see the £500 again. Please don’t give her anymore money.

I think I could have lost a friend over this, and we are only in the area a few months.

She is not your friend. She targeted you as everyone else knows what she is up to.

she just has the sweetest children and it’s the thought of them going without that gets me

So why is she on a night out?

She has totally used you and you will never see that £500 again. And you need to tell your DH.

Consider it an expensive lesson. Dont tell DH the amount unless he asks. He genuinely doesn't want the stress which is why he doesnt want to talk about it.

People who need money rarely ask. And you typically need to force them to take it either by giving them the stuff they need or as a gift. Lesson learnt.

My friend had 4 children and was on benefits when she came to me to say she was in debt to the bank with her mortgage and would lose her home . Naturally my first thought was I must help her . I took my savings out of the bank (£300) and said , pay me back when you can one day , but pay off your debt .

I look back with hindsite and realise that in fact her interest only mortgage would have been paid by the bank because she was on benefits

Almost 40 years on the money was never offered back , she married sold the house making a large profit, never offered the money , then years later inherited a large sum of money , she has never offered. I never asked , but I often tell myself , had a friend of mine saved the roof over my children's head I would never have forgotten , ever .

Obviously I don't bother with this so called friend , I now see clearly that she was a taker and I was a foolish giver and too kind a loving .

That £300 I handed to that woman was all I had , I too was single with older kids . I am more upset with myself because I never confronted her , foolish me

Op you say your going to let her get Christmas past with before asking, my advice is ask for it back now!

Hey Friend we need that money back to get my kids Christmas / Boots / Coats.
You won't have reasons to ask for it back in January (other than its your money)

But realistically I think you'll never see the money again. Sad but true. And I'd try not to tell your DH where the £500 went either.

OP you sound lovely honestly but I've been in your shoes and a long time later seruouosy regretted it when the person used me like a free ATM. She then dumped me entirely when I got cancer and couldn't work or earn money.

The problems start IMO by assuming everyone else is like you. So when she asked you for money you immediately thought what it would be like for you to be that stuck you would need to beg from a friend. You think how you would prioritise getting the money back to that person and how humiliating it would be.

But here's the thing - she's not you. She isn't grateful or she would not have allowed three handouts already and be looking for more. She is manipulating your generous nature. And she's not a friend, she doesn't want to see you without any financial gain.

I would write the 600 off in my head but contact her and say you need to agree a repayment plan starting January. At least this will make it clear that there is no more money coming from you.

Your husband sounds very nice and generous actually to hand her over 100 euro. Is it possible he simply doesn't want to see you being taken advantage of?

You haven't lost a friend as she was no friend to you. You have probably lost £500-£600 between you and DH though sadly.

Please don't give her any more. After Christmas, print out the texts and send it to her recorded delivery and ask when she will be repaying it.

The lesson to learn is to not lend money to anyone who is in debt. She clearly wants to live beyond her means, and nobody can help her until she realises that she can't do that.

Send her details of Stepchange, they help people who are in debt and I often recommend them to clients.

I always say this on these types of threads, I have seen it first hand, where debts have been cleared in full by friends/family trying to help, then the person builds it up all over again as they cannot stop spending.

If she was that desperate for money she wouldn't have even been on the night out.

OP, your husband sounds lovely.

If you do not receive this loan back, of course you should tell your mutual friends.

Perhaps if you had been warned you might not have fallen for this.

I think this might say more about you and your acquaintances than people with a disparity in earnings. I currently earn considerably less than a couple of my closest friends and have never, ever expected them to pay for me. When I earned more than (different) friends, they never expected me to pay for them. I have met people who expect others to sub them, but they were not the ones struggling most financially, and they very quickly stopped trying to latch on to us when they realised that we were not going to bite.

Kiss the £500 goodbye.
Think of it this way: it's a small price to pay to be shot of a friend like that!

This.
You'll never see that money, absolutely do not lend any more

Everyone gets a parasite attached to them on occasion OP. You won't be the only one and you won't be the last one.

I doubt you'll see the money you have already lent back so I'd not be giving any more.

OP you have tried to be be a kind friend. I would ask her about a repayment plan, with the knowledge that it's highly unlikely to happen.

A bit wider, sounds like you need some decent friends. Perhaps meetups in your local area?