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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband has been cheating

116 replies

Bananacaramel8 · 21/11/2022 16:42

A few months ago my husband told me out the blue he only liked me as a friend and he wanted a divorce (we hadn’t even been married 7 months and both in our 30s).
it seemed to come from nowhere so I was certain he must have had his head turned and met someone else. He completely denied this and got really defensive and tried to make me out to be some paranoid controlling nutter.
long story short I was ready to move out of our home a few weeks later but he got cold feet and begged me to stay to try and work things out.
The last 6 months were total mental turmoil as he was very hot and cold and kept telling me he felt trapped.
The last 6 weeks seemed to take a massive turn for the better and he was trying really hard to make things up to me and reassure me. I finally felt like we had moved past our issues and were going to be happy long term.
last night I found out he had been having sex with his work colleague in her car and her house during the time he had been asking me for a divorce and I’m fairly sure they were having an ongoing emotional affair too. I can’t even put into words how devastated I feel. He has totally betrayed my trust and I feel like our relationship will be tainted forever now.
he is extremely upset and desperately trying to fix things with me. He works in a small office with her every day though and I can’t get the image of them having passionate sex in her car while I was at home feeling depressed waiting for him.
Has anyone stayed in this sort of situation and were able to make it work? I’m not in a financial position to leave yet and I don’t have anyone to talk to or help me. I want to try and make it work as he seems so remorseful but I’m scared I’m making a huge mistake.
he told me when he asked for a divorce that he doesnt feel any spark with me and our sex life is boring. She is younger than me and skinny and very busty. The thought of him naked with her and all over her is tearing me apart.
Hes now saying I’m the love of his life and he can’t ever lose me and he really regrets what he did etc.
Have any of your marriages survived this sort of thing and how did you do it? Thanks

OP posts:

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 21/11/2022 16:47

He's saying you are the love of his life and he can't lose you but he already did when his dipped his wick into her.

If you don't ditch this guy now he will always do it because you will have given him the green light to cheat.

EndlessRain · 21/11/2022 16:49

People can and do work through cheating. I think it requires remorse and forgiveness and probably therapy for most.

I couldn't move past it I don't think.

BalletTapModern · 21/11/2022 16:51

Only have experience of what it did to my mum. Thank god she dragged us all out that house and didn't go back because he did it to every other woman he went out with. Over 30 years. They don't change.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

ExtraOnions · 21/11/2022 16:52

How anyone can manage sex in a car is beyond me..

That aside … your decision is, is this something you can put in the past, not bring up again - and move on from, or, is this something that you will never be able to come to terms with, and marks the end of your relationship.

There is no halfway house - it’s one or the other. Only you know the answer though

Whiskyvodka · 21/11/2022 16:53

It’s not just the cheating it’s the fact that when he was happily shagging the ow he didn’t think you had a spark!
Is he upset because she’s dumped him, because he wants you and is remorseful or just because he got caught?
The latter I suspect.

BalletTapModern · 21/11/2022 16:56

I forgot to add. My dad came back to her when it first happened (he did it lots of times) and she took him back, it was awful to live like that. They weren't happy. When his other woman lost interest, he'd be back grovelling. She then just one day couldn't take it anymore. She'd had enough. I think it really damaged her. I wouldn't want that for you or anyone in similar situation.

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia · 21/11/2022 16:56

I could never forgive or move past that. Not just the cheating, but the messing you about, like you don't actually matter. Is he now trying to sort it out with you because she's dumped him? Don't be his second choice, don't do the Pick Me dance & try to win him back, while he looks around for another OW.

I would always be suspicious that his first statement - basically that he's not that into you - was the truth. And TBH I couldn't deal with the waiting for him to do it again.

slowquickstep · 21/11/2022 17:00

My ex husband cheated so many times and told me it was my fault for taking him back the first time. Get rid of him as it will never get better. he will cheat and cheat.

Rayn22 · 21/11/2022 17:00

I kept forgiving my ex! He was so remorseful but unfortunately it gave him the green light that I would forgive him!
He did it 3 or 4 times and I eventually found some pride and chucked him out!

ChocolateCakeYum · 21/11/2022 17:00

Marriage counselling would be a must for a start.

Personally I’m not sure I could forgive. Especially not if:
a) he tried to claim it was my fault (he says your sex life was boring but it takes two for a slump so what did he do to fix things before he thought ‘nah can’t be arsed, I’ll just thrust into the first woman I see that isn’t my wife’. And even if it was more of a communication breakdown AGAIN what did he do to fix things? Nothing from what I can see)
b) tried to ruin my mental health by claiming it was all in my head
c) not being totally honest
d) compromised my sexual health (I mean have you been to get checked? I know I damn well would be if I found out my husband was screwing some hoochy)

Walk away.

Hillarious · 21/11/2022 17:01

This is sad, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you have the confidence and self-esteem to be able to move on from him. Regardless of what he says, it's always easier to do something like this a second time.

DowntonCrabby · 21/11/2022 17:02

You are worth SO much more than this. He’s shat all over any trust and respect you can ever have for him again. Leave lovely, the future will be bright with someone who deserves you.

Nannytimes4 · 21/11/2022 17:04

My husband had an affair over 30 years ago and we’re still together and very happy, but it does I think take a certain type of person to get through it, you just have to literally ‘get over it’ and get on with your life together, only you know what you can do.
if you ask on here virtually everyone will advise you to leave him, but they’re not you are they, it can work if you both are willing to work together and make it so.

Original poster

Bananacaramel8 · 21/11/2022 17:06

I feel physically unwell from the stress of the situation. I had a panic attack this morning and only got 3 hours of broken sleep last night.
i think what I’m most angry about is the fact he denied everything for months and made out I was being pathetic and insecure

OP posts:

Gummibär · 21/11/2022 17:07

How can you ever trust him again?

I couldn't!

WhatToD0 · 21/11/2022 17:09

So sorry you're going through this - it's a really traumatic thing.

I'm 6 weeks post discovering my partner's affair so I can't tell you if it's possible long term but we are still together. I've only stuck with him because he's been fully remorseful, has not blamed me for the affair, and is showing he's willing to do whatever it takes to repair things.

People can and do get beyond this but the partner who's had the affair needs to put in shedloads of work, and needs to be completely open and honest with you - the relationship going forward needs to be the mirror image of the affair - total honesty and transparency.

I found the Surviving Infidelity website really helpful - good info on the conditions that need to be present for repair and recovery to take place.

NoraButty · 21/11/2022 17:09

I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve this.

I don’t think the odds are in favour of a relationship working out after infidelity.

I’d advise leaving him, he’s not worthy of your love and devotion.

Hellno44 · 21/11/2022 17:11

I think some marriages survive infidelity. I imagine it takes a lot of work to move past it. I however couldn't. The way I see is he asked you for a divorce when he thought he had a better option because he was snagging his work colleague. It went tits up and now he's begging because he doesn't have another option. When another option comes along what's to stop him shagging them. I couldn't live with looking over my shoulder, waiting and watching. He's a liar. He's a cheat and he doesn't deserve YOU.

OopsAnotherOne · 21/11/2022 17:11

The cheating is one thing and the lying, decieving and gaslighting is another thing. Not only was your husband unfaithful multiple times, he was happy to convince you that you were pathetic and insecure in order to hide his behaviour is abhorrant. The damage that must have done (and continues to do) on your mental health is inexcusable in my opinion. He didn't confess all either, you had to find out and only then is he apologetic. The last 6 weeks have probably been better between you two because OW dumped him and now he's realised he is losing the security of a marriage, but at the end of the day it's up to you what you want, not him.

Will you ever be able to trust him fully again?
Or if not, are you happy spending the rest of your life with an unfaithful man who has no problems with lying to your face?
Are you prepared to sacrifice your mental health and security in a relationship for a man who had no consideration for your feelings and mental/physical wellbeing?

I know it might be the easier option to just carry on and try to forgive and forget but do you genuinely, genuinely believe you will ever be able to trust him or rely on him again?

He's shown you who he is and what he is capable of - believe him.

GettinHyggeWithIt · 21/11/2022 17:13

What a spineless lying manipulative waste of space bastard he is.

Kick him to the curb and tell everyone this ^^

So sorry OP.

Gummibär · 21/11/2022 17:15

The way I see is he asked you for a divorce when he thought he had a better option because he was snagging his work colleague. It went tits up and now he's begging because he doesn't have another option. When another option comes along what's to stop him shagging them. I couldn't live with looking over my shoulder, waiting and watching. He's a liar. He's a cheat and he doesn't deserve YOU.

That's what I think too. He would have preferred his work colleague but that didn't seem to work out for him.

You definitely deserve much better!

OnlyFannys · 21/11/2022 17:16

Hi Op, did you post about this at the time? I remember a poster in a situation where the husband basically said what you said here and then kept going back and forth about whether he still loved her or not. If it is you then based on the last thread he sounds like a nasty piece of work

Aworldofmyown · 21/11/2022 17:18

Unfortunately, you may get past this, but he will definitely do it again. Don't put yourself through it.

Mirrorcell · 21/11/2022 17:20

If you don’t have kids, joint commitments etc I would split straight away. Yes you can work through it but with a short marriage and no kids what is the point?
If you have more assets than him than submit the divorce papers as quick as possible after speaking to a solicitor on the quiet. If he is claiming that he is bored after 7 months than he isn’t worth keeping.

Runover · 21/11/2022 17:21

If you have really been married less than a year dump this creep ASAP. You hopefully have no kids and he has shown that he cannot be trusted, is a liar and clearly doesn’t love you or have any respect for you . It’s horrible and painful but get out NOW. This is supposed to be a wonderful time of putting down the foundations for your happy married life. This man doesn’t even consider himself married obviously. It can only get a lot, lot worse from here. GET OUT.
(I am happily married 26 yrs, you do not have any kind of marriage here).

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