Husband has been cheating

[Bananacaramel8]

A few months ago my husband told me out the blue he only liked me as a friend and he wanted a divorce (we hadn’t even been married 7 months and both in our 30s).
it seemed to come from nowhere so I was certain he must have had his head turned and met someone else. He completely denied this and got really defensive and tried to make me out to be some paranoid controlling nutter.
long story short I was ready to move out of our home a few weeks later but he got cold feet and begged me to stay to try and work things out.
The last 6 months were total mental turmoil as he was very hot and cold and kept telling me he felt trapped.
The last 6 weeks seemed to take a massive turn for the better and he was trying really hard to make things up to me and reassure me. I finally felt like we had moved past our issues and were going to be happy long term.
last night I found out he had been having sex with his work colleague in her car and her house during the time he had been asking me for a divorce and I’m fairly sure they were having an ongoing emotional affair too. I can’t even put into words how devastated I feel. He has totally betrayed my trust and I feel like our relationship will be tainted forever now.
he is extremely upset and desperately trying to fix things with me. He works in a small office with her every day though and I can’t get the image of them having passionate sex in her car while I was at home feeling depressed waiting for him.
Has anyone stayed in this sort of situation and were able to make it work? I’m not in a financial position to leave yet and I don’t have anyone to talk to or help me. I want to try and make it work as he seems so remorseful but I’m scared I’m making a huge mistake.
he told me when he asked for a divorce that he doesnt feel any spark with me and our sex life is boring. She is younger than me and skinny and very busty. The thought of him naked with her and all over her is tearing me apart.
Hes now saying I’m the love of his life and he can’t ever lose me and he really regrets what he did etc.
Have any of your marriages survived this sort of thing and how did you do it? Thanks

OP I’m so sorry. I’m in a similar position except we have kids which makes it so much more complicated.

I know it feels horrendous now, but please leave him. Your future self, self esteem and self confidence will thank you for it.

I won't say LTB or stay - that is completely down to you (and you have to do what feels right and what is best for you). I will say though, that I've only known of two couples IRL (both couples were friends of mine) where infidelity occurred, and they survived it. In both cases, the man (who had cheated) came clean, took full responsibility for their actions, did NOT ever blame or gaslight their spouses, and did everything they could to work on fixing things. They were also completely honest with what had happened to their friends and family. They were proactive with doing whatever was needed to support their spouses and work through everything (counselling etc), and gave their spouses the time needed to figure things out about what they wanted etc. Again, the reason I know about it is because I know the couples (they're friends of mine).

For me, I filed for divorce when I found out about OW. But, tbh, that was the straw that completely broke the camel's back, after many years of other massive issues and problems I had with XH. If things had been 100% perfect, and I found out about OW, I don't know what my choice would have been. I think as I've got older, I realise that there is no real black and white, and that we never know how we'll react until we're actually in the thick of a situation!!

I think it might be worth you quietly getting all the info you may need (should you decide to end things), and take your time to figure what feels right for you. You don't have to end things right now, you can do that at any point.

I wish you all the best!

No you have barely been married me his done this ! You Must divorce him

FWIW, in my case, I don't regret divorcing....but I am sad that the marriage failed. The gaslighting, other issues and lies XH told me completely did me in. Was I scared about divorcing? Absolutely. I was worried I'd regret it, I was worried that others might think I wasn't a good enough wife (he really did a number on me). I was also worried that I'd not fulfilled/stuck to my marriage vows. But I spoke to family, friends and local priest about the situation and they all said that I'd done everything I could, and now was the time to end things as it was XH who had not followed his marriage vows!!

OP he has said horrible things to you, and lied to you.
And of course cheated on you.
Please find it within yourself to draw a line and leave this jerk, and don't look back. Being single is so much better than being with an insulting, lying cheater.

Only 7 months in is so early, op. He is now begging because his other option fell through. You'll never trust him again and he'll definitely do it again. I'd leave.

This.
I know because I forgave my husband when he cheated and gave him a second chance.
He saw this as a green light and just did it again with another woman
He is now my ex husband

Do people forgive cheating? Of course - but to cheat the beginning of a marriage, the head fuck for the last 6 months- hell no.
practically - who owns the house, any value there, any family near by? How old are you OP?

He has totally betrayed my trust and I feel like our relationship will be tainted forever now

Your relationship should just be over forever now.

Seriously, you weren’t even 7 months married and he was balls deep in a young work colleague? He doesn’t give a shit about you and has zero respect for you. He’s probably only told you bc he knew you were going to find out anyway (how did you find out of interest?)

I mean people can make mistakes but he has gone way way way beyond that. Lying for all this time, blaming you (the sex having no spark), gaslighting you, how can anyone that has done all that really change ?

It actually wouldn’t be the cheating that would be the decider for me it would be they lying and making you out to be controlling and psychopathi. When the whole time he was shagging her

I think I remember an earlier thread that was similar, are you the poster whose recently married husband tried to say wasn't physically attracted to?

Life is too short OP. Leave him and move on, if he's like that after a few months of marriage what is he going to be like after ten years with kids or busy career (or both!) taking your focus away from him.

so we have just had another discussion where I completely lost my shit with him as he admitted he kissed her just 6 weeks ago on the same night that he promised me before he went out that I had nothing to worry about and he would never do anything to hurt me.
He caught covid off her that night and gave it to me and I was bedridden for 10 days

Has he no shame?
I could cry for you reading this.
I'm not going to post advice because quite frankly that's not my strong point but please know you have my sympathy.

Oh OP, bin his ass. No way back from this, take the pain now and get your life back on track for YOU

There are no more words for what a pathetic human being this person is. So even when coming clean he lies?

so we have just had another discussion where I completely lost my shit

Good! Get angry and get him out.

Who have you told btw? I would be straight on the phone to family and friends, they will support you and also he can’t weasel back in.

OP, are you able to separate? Is there anyone you can stay with for a while? I think it's impossible to know what to do when you're having to see him and listen to all his whatevers. You need time apart so you can hear your own thoughts.

Like many others here, I too forgave a cheater but despite counselling and much chest thumping/hand-wringing from him, he just went on to do it again 18 months later. That's not always how it works out but I know that by forgiving and ignoring his massive character flaw, he saw that as a green light to do it again. I forgave once, I'd forgive twice, right? Nah.

found out? ?- how ?

He’s doesn’t love you, I’d assume ow had dumped him

You deserve better don’t waste another minute on him

So you'd gptton married less than 7 months before (and a month flies by) and he was already cheating?

Why did he bother getting married?

What does he think marriage is?

What is wrong with his head that he stood up in front of your gathered, joint families, friends, acquaintances etc and made vows to be your exclusive partner, to be each other's life partners. .... And then started a relationship with someone else a few months really later. He clearly takes his vows and commitments very seriously. They clearly mean a lot to him. It's not only the public avowal of exclusivity and commitment, bit of the personal, intimate, emotional commitment he made to you when he married you.

Then there's the fact he also vowed, no doubt, to cherish you, care for you, support you, whatever .... That also clearly means jack shit to him. He's done the opposite, he's betrayed you, cheated on you, and equally bad gas lit you and let you think/made you think you are pathetic and insecure and paranoid.

Integrity - non existent.

This is not marriage material. He really shouldn't have gotten married.

It also sounds like he was going to leave but then lost his "alternative" option.

He's tried his luck elsewhere - pre prepped you in the hope it would work out with her. It hasn't and he's come running back .....

He's not accidentally tripped and ended up with his penis inside her - he's actively chosen to pursue something with someone who isn't his wife - and then maintained a lie beyond it. No way should you be thinking of forgiving him.

Get your ducks in a row. Use the online calcs to see what help you'll be entitled to if you leave and make plans to walk away. You deserve better.

I think the fact you don't have kids yet is a blessing and that you have worked recently or a part time job you could get a house share or save for awhile and try get another job.

It's in your means. Don't wait til you have a kid it's so much harder to leave when you have them and you been out of work for ahwile

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Put it this way.
When he loses his spark again.. he will do this again.

You are worth so much more than this. So much more. And it will hurt now. But in 6 months time. You will be so thankful you got rid and wish you did it sooner

(Hugs) xxx

You need to leave. Staying would be a huge mistake.

It's not what you want to hear but a man who's cheating on his wife and apparently contemplating leaving her within less than 7 months of getting married is either;

A. Utterly flaky, impulsive, dick led, no integrity, can't turn down sexual opportunities, feckless, has zero respect for marriage etc. and shouldn't be married to anyone.

Or

B. Really really shouldn't have married that woman ... Because he's clearly not committed to her, does not feel right for her, will cheat and maybe leave if he has opportunities etc etc. There is no way a relatively recently married person cheats on and considers leaving their spouse if they feel the right way about them, unless they are a truly disordered, possibly sociopathic etc person.

Either option does not work out for you.

You have no kids . .. the damage is limited. It won't be if you have.

He is not the right man for you.