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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has been cheating

116 replies

Bananacaramel8 · 21/11/2022 16:42

A few months ago my husband told me out the blue he only liked me as a friend and he wanted a divorce (we hadn’t even been married 7 months and both in our 30s).
it seemed to come from nowhere so I was certain he must have had his head turned and met someone else. He completely denied this and got really defensive and tried to make me out to be some paranoid controlling nutter.
long story short I was ready to move out of our home a few weeks later but he got cold feet and begged me to stay to try and work things out.
The last 6 months were total mental turmoil as he was very hot and cold and kept telling me he felt trapped.
The last 6 weeks seemed to take a massive turn for the better and he was trying really hard to make things up to me and reassure me. I finally felt like we had moved past our issues and were going to be happy long term.
last night I found out he had been having sex with his work colleague in her car and her house during the time he had been asking me for a divorce and I’m fairly sure they were having an ongoing emotional affair too. I can’t even put into words how devastated I feel. He has totally betrayed my trust and I feel like our relationship will be tainted forever now.
he is extremely upset and desperately trying to fix things with me. He works in a small office with her every day though and I can’t get the image of them having passionate sex in her car while I was at home feeling depressed waiting for him.
Has anyone stayed in this sort of situation and were able to make it work? I’m not in a financial position to leave yet and I don’t have anyone to talk to or help me. I want to try and make it work as he seems so remorseful but I’m scared I’m making a huge mistake.
he told me when he asked for a divorce that he doesnt feel any spark with me and our sex life is boring. She is younger than me and skinny and very busty. The thought of him naked with her and all over her is tearing me apart.
Hes now saying I’m the love of his life and he can’t ever lose me and he really regrets what he did etc.
Have any of your marriages survived this sort of thing and how did you do it? Thanks

OP posts:
BirdSou · 21/11/2022 17:56

How did you find out?
Was he finally honest and told you?

The other relationship didn't work out so now he's sorry....until another opportunity...he'll know you've already forgiven him once...

It's a horrible position to be in but in my experience leaving is the only way to restore your dignity and self esteem x

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2022 17:57

Your marriage is already over, op, that's the truth. The issue now is how much of your life are you willing to waste on him before it ends. How many times are you going to allow him to fuck you over? Because he will, repeatedly. You're mad to stay even one more day.

lostonmn · 21/11/2022 17:58

He's been absolutely horrible to you OP. Repeatedly messed with your head, which is not worth forgiving. His excuses are insulting and cruel. He does that 7 months into your marriage: it's not worth persevering, for what? a lifetime of misery? If you stay, next time he has an affair, and he will, you'll have children and it'll be 10x worse. Please move on, before he damages your whole life. Take the time you need to organise yourself, but go, and don't look back. You'll thank yourself later.

GotBeatenUp · 21/11/2022 18:00

Get legal and financial advice about where you stand if you divorce him, then file for divorce.
It will hurt but you will eventually get over it.
If you don't LTB, the agony will go on.

Sorry you are going through this, but he is not worth it.

Happyunhappy · 21/11/2022 18:01

Thats not long into a marriage for him to do that. Plus he's gaslighted you and made you believe its your fault. Its not. Never mind his opinion, the spark has obviously gone for you now. Plus he will try hard to get you as his ego will have taken a bashing if you reject him which of course you should. It doesn't sound recoverable from your side anyway.

Bide your time until you can leave would be my advice. Tell him you need some space. Its up to you as you only you can know if your mh can deal with wondering if he's cheating again
I know I couldn't.

emptythelitterbox · 21/11/2022 18:04

Bananacaramel8 · 21/11/2022 17:26

My self esteem is rock bottom and I don’t have anywhere to go. I can’t afford to live alone just yet. I love him but I don’t know why as he has treated me so badly :-(

No wonder after him lying,cheating, insulting, and gaslighting you all this time.

Maybe you love the him he used to be and the promise of a life together more than him the reality?

Staying isn't going to help your self esteem.

Where did you live before you got married?

I'd rather find a room share with 1 or 2 nice women than spend another day with that cheating arse.

FlissyPaps · 21/11/2022 18:05

He’s a selfish, slimy cheating cunt OP.

You deserve better.

Don’t allow him to tell you he doesn’t want you twice. He’s already told you once. Don’t fall for any “remorseful” bullshit. He just wants his cake and eat it.

Please leave him. For your own mental health. You’ll never get passed this. There will always be something in the back of your mind now. He has betrayed and destroyed the trust.

Contact a solicitor ASAP. Get all the legal and financial advice you can.

Jedsnewstar · 21/11/2022 18:07

I am not going to sugar coat it. You will be absolutely miserable if you stay. You will turn into the paranoid wreck he accused you of being. Always wondering where he is and who he is with. Your self esteem will be zero blaming yourself. It will eventually lead to divorce anyway.

HE did this, not you. You have just got married, so really he will cheat again.

Get out now. While you can. Clean painful break is so much better than a car crash for the next few decades.

fruktsoda · 21/11/2022 18:08

I don't think I could ever forgive that. It happened so early in your marriage, and he not only cheated on you but then lied again when you voiced your valid concerns. I don't think many people have it in them to change who they are. He's a weak-willed p.o.s. and will probably always be one, unfortunately...

HintofVintagePink · 21/11/2022 18:09

Cheaters do not change (though many mistakenly believe they do!)

Get rid of him. He’s a liar and emotionally abusive and controlling. You are worth so much more.

Lndnmummy · 21/11/2022 18:09

The 'cheating' is one thing. I am not sure I could forgive that, maybe. What I would not be able to get past, is the manipulation of you. Making you feel like you are crazy, controlling etc. That is such an abuse of trust and not actions of someone who sees you as "the love of his life". They are actions of someone terrified of getting caught, of someone always putting themselves first, to the detriment of my mental wellbeing. To make someone you are supposed to love question their sanity like that is just so cruel. And I don't think I could forgive that.

ArabellaScott · 21/11/2022 18:13

Bananacaramel8 · 21/11/2022 17:06

I feel physically unwell from the stress of the situation. I had a panic attack this morning and only got 3 hours of broken sleep last night.
i think what I’m most angry about is the fact he denied everything for months and made out I was being pathetic and insecure

Yes, it's not even so much the infidelity as the gaslighting. I'm so very sorry, OP.

I guess it might be possible to try and work past this, but why on earth would you? The man's treated you like dirt and made you feel like you were going mad rather than own up and accept any responsibility.

FantaFour · 21/11/2022 18:15

What a pig. You deserve better. Anyone who treats you this cruelly is not worthy of you. He hurt you before and has proven he has the potential to do it again , don't allow him this opportunity. Sorry you are going through this.

lostonmn · 21/11/2022 18:17

And the detail that you shouldn't ignore OP: cheating with someone he works with. Not only is he an absolute - I don't even have the words - to you OP but he is also very stupid - sorry. Impressive lack of judgement, jeopardizing so much personally and professionally, for so little, it doesn't bode well for him. Or anyone associated with him. At the very least, expect to be constantly embarrassed, and at worse, have a seriously difficult life with him. He's done you a favour by showing you exactly what he is. Dodge that bullet. So sorry OP, you will absolutely feel better, without him Flowers

Chooksnroses · 21/11/2022 18:31

You CAN stay. if that's how you want to live. (Never knowing what he's doing when he's out of the house, never trusting him totally, never believing him when he tells you where he's been) and at the end of it, when you leave you will grieve for the loss of your hopes and dreams. That might take some time.
OR
You can leave tomorrow, and you will grieve for the loss of your hopes and dreams. That might take some time.

Nymeria6 · 21/11/2022 18:34

So sorry OP. I would seriously think about what you want, not him. You don't need anyone else, you've got yourself and that's what matters.

He wanted you as a friend. Well friends stay in separate beds and don't play mind games.

Honest answer I could forgive the cheating in time. I couldn't forgive the mental torture, gaslighting and lies.

Also just because she's younger doesn't mean she's better looking or a nicer person. Be proud of you x

ThreeblackCats · 21/11/2022 18:36

He’s a lying, cheating piece of crap.

Do you think that’s what you’re worth? Or do you think you’re worth more than that?

I can tell you now, he will not stop cheating, he’ll just get better at hiding his lies.

Choconut · 21/11/2022 18:40

If you want to stay because it's financially more convenient right now OP then do it, now it's time only to do what's best for you. Get an STD test first, don't have sex with him any more, tell him you only like him as a friend and start getting your ducks in a row.

How did you find out about the cheating? Funny how they're suddenly terribly remorseful once their lies start to unravel isn't it? Was he ever remorseful mid shag? Was he ever remorseful when he was lying to you and gas lighting you for months? He's a bad one OP, end of. Right now you're just his security blanket and you deserve a thousand times better.

BellePeppa · 21/11/2022 18:40

The trust is gone. Once that’s gone there’s no going back from it. Even if you put on a happy face and continue in your marriage in the back of your mind you’ll still know the trust has been broken, not just because he cheated but because he lied and lied about it. And a big big red flag - you’ve only been married 7 months, that’s practically on par with a groom shagging the bridesmaid on his wedding day. The best thing you could do is draw a line through this marriage and not waste the rest of your life on him.

ExtraJalapenos · 21/11/2022 18:44

He cheated.
Get angry!
Kick him out. Tell him he can fuck off. He slept with someone only months after you got married. What a cunt! Why should u move? He's the one who went out shagging!
Stay where u are till u can get back on your feet. He can pay for his cheating by continuing to pay for the place you share for atleast another couple months or so.
And don't allow him back in. He can stay at his new skanks house.

You deserve better.

Dippydonky · 21/11/2022 18:53

@ExtraOnions completely agree! The logistics baffle me! Doubt it’s ever like the scenario from titanic.

OP - I think a lot of people who ‘make it work’ potentially have kids. Someone can be a crappy partner but a fabulous dad (e.g. my ex’s Dad.) and people do try to stay together because of that common desire to have ‘a family’. If you don’t have kids, and it’s money holding you back it may be better for your mental well-being to leave him. There are lots of jobs out there at the moment, it’s an employees market so maybe focus all the raw energy and hurt you have now into a job hunt……. And I know it’s easier saying this than doing it, and that nothing anyone can say will take the pain away but you’re worth more than this & sometimes this crap happens for a reason (as one door closes another will open)

VeronicaFranklin · 21/11/2022 18:59

Honestly, leave him. He will do it again. You deserve better and you will find better.

TidyDancer · 21/11/2022 19:04

I have friends where the husband cheated on his wife in quite similar circumstances to yours about 10-12 years ago. They are still together but other than on paper their marriage has not survived. She has never felt able to trust him again and is now obsessive and controlling to the point where I believe it has become abusive. I think it's broken both of them tbh and neither is happy. They haven't had sex in years.

Can a marriage survive this? Maybe. But it'll never be what it was again and only you can decide if that's something you can live with. I'm not sure I could.

Frida9 · 21/11/2022 19:17

Op I had an ex who cheated on me with one of my friends years ago, I thought I loved him so I tried to make it work. 6 months later he left me for someone from his work and I finally realised how naive I had been. At the time I thought I would never find someone I loved as much, I ended up having to move back in with my parents and I lost a lot of friends who chose to stay with my ex. 5 years on I'm married to a genuinely wonderful man, I'm expecting a baby in February and I very very rarely think about my ex. It's all consuming for you just now but once you're out of the situation you'll see things more clearly. Maybe have a break from your husband for now and you'll realise that you don't need him and you're far better off on your own.

Staryflight445 · 21/11/2022 19:19

Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like this?

why do you want to be the easy option?