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Original poster

Husband has been cheating

116 replies

Bananacaramel8 · 21/11/2022 16:42

A few months ago my husband told me out the blue he only liked me as a friend and he wanted a divorce (we hadn’t even been married 7 months and both in our 30s).
it seemed to come from nowhere so I was certain he must have had his head turned and met someone else. He completely denied this and got really defensive and tried to make me out to be some paranoid controlling nutter.
long story short I was ready to move out of our home a few weeks later but he got cold feet and begged me to stay to try and work things out.
The last 6 months were total mental turmoil as he was very hot and cold and kept telling me he felt trapped.
The last 6 weeks seemed to take a massive turn for the better and he was trying really hard to make things up to me and reassure me. I finally felt like we had moved past our issues and were going to be happy long term.
last night I found out he had been having sex with his work colleague in her car and her house during the time he had been asking me for a divorce and I’m fairly sure they were having an ongoing emotional affair too. I can’t even put into words how devastated I feel. He has totally betrayed my trust and I feel like our relationship will be tainted forever now.
he is extremely upset and desperately trying to fix things with me. He works in a small office with her every day though and I can’t get the image of them having passionate sex in her car while I was at home feeling depressed waiting for him.
Has anyone stayed in this sort of situation and were able to make it work? I’m not in a financial position to leave yet and I don’t have anyone to talk to or help me. I want to try and make it work as he seems so remorseful but I’m scared I’m making a huge mistake.
he told me when he asked for a divorce that he doesnt feel any spark with me and our sex life is boring. She is younger than me and skinny and very busty. The thought of him naked with her and all over her is tearing me apart.
Hes now saying I’m the love of his life and he can’t ever lose me and he really regrets what he did etc.
Have any of your marriages survived this sort of thing and how did you do it? Thanks

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 21/11/2022 17:22

I say cut your losses and end it now rather than investing another 10 or 20 years and this fucker is still cheating in you.

The only reason he came back is because it didn't work out with her.

Go over to chumplady dot com and read.

ItsBritneyBitch45 · 21/11/2022 17:24

he is extremely upset and desperately trying to fix things with me. Lol why is he the one that’s upset?

It sounds to me as if the relationship is over and sounds like it’ll just be forced moving forward. He said he didn’t want to be together only 7 months into your marriage, then moved hot and cold after claiming he didn’t want you to move out. Now you’ve found out he’s had a physical and possibly an emotional affair with someone he works with. What would be the reason to stay with him?

Original poster
Bananacaramel8 · 21/11/2022 17:26

My self esteem is rock bottom and I don’t have anywhere to go. I can’t afford to live alone just yet. I love him but I don’t know why as he has treated me so badly :-(

OP posts:
theremustonlybeone · 21/11/2022 17:27

I couldn't forgive I am afraid, this man made you ill, lied to your face whilst along he was shagging a work colleague. You were married only 7mths and he was already playing away.

For me I would be closing the chapter and putting it down to a bad experience and moving on

Original poster
Bananacaramel8 · 21/11/2022 17:28

I feel like I would struggle to have sex with him again as I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about him with her

OP posts:
Wellitjustgetsworse · 21/11/2022 17:30

I'm in a similar situation he hasn't admitted it though. You have to try remember it wasn't some one off one night stand. He lied probably hundreds of times. So many opportunities he could have nipped it in the bud but choose to see where it took him.
Every day he choose to carry on with it whilst watching you go ill from the stress. They won't magically see your worth and care about you genuinely. They only will because it's in their interests until he decides to do it again and blame you to make them have no accountability for it.

Dundees · 21/11/2022 17:30

So she’s dumped him and he’s coming crawling back.

Why can’t you move out, do you not work? You’ll regret it if you don’t find your anger and leave him. How can you trust him?

Alexandernevermind · 21/11/2022 17:30

Sorry this has happened op. I wonder with the couples (women probably) who have forgiven, how many have felt they had to forgive out of financial dependence, children or family expectation. I just think its done now, and I'm not sure you will every trust him again. You are already comparing yourself unfavourably to her. Staying with him is detrimental to your mental health, he has caused you to have a panic attack, he has made you feel pathetic and insecure, when he should be making you feel as though you are the most wonderful person on the planet.

tootiredtobother · 21/11/2022 17:30

ditch him before he gets you pregnant

twinklystar23 · 21/11/2022 17:32

The relationship you had is over.

Do you want another relationship with the same man?

Original poster
Bananacaramel8 · 21/11/2022 17:32

I do work but I was made redundant at the start of the year and could only find a job that doesn’t pay very well for the time being

OP posts:
Bollocks2that · 21/11/2022 17:35

@Bananacaramel8 he did this to you because he is a prick (a massive one at that). It is no reflection on you. Any scrap of energy you have you need to focus on you and where you want your future self to be and not what has just happened.

MustBeTrueThen · 21/11/2022 17:35

It's not going to work, you've said yourself you're staying because financially you're not in a position to leave. That's not reasons that a marriage will work. He's a dick.

CantFindTheBeat · 21/11/2022 17:35

I'm so sorry, OP, what an awful thing to happen to you.

As you've only been married a short time, it seems that he had at least started the emotional affair beforehand?

I think you are worth more than him, but can see this is a very hard thing to deal with.

Can you talk to an online therapist to work through your feelings if you have no one in real life?

NeedAChangeAsIAmSoooOuting · 21/11/2022 17:35

He is only sorry because he got caught.

HyggeandTea · 21/11/2022 17:36

You are worth so much more than this.
Pick yourself up, see a solicitor for some free advice and divorce the arse off the cheating git.

CantFindTheBeat · 21/11/2022 17:37

How did the truth come out, OP?

bethatgirl · 21/11/2022 17:39

Hi OP, I am sorry to hear this 💐.

I am 6 weeks into finding out for definite by husband was having an affair. A few months prior to that I had my suspicions and then he slipped up. We've been married 17 years, have two children and had a good life so it really came out the blue. I won't be forgiving him, even though I would love to.

  1. He made me think I was crazy those few months the same as you, and I could never live another day like that.
  2. There would be no trust going forward, and I don't want to be worrying about where my husband is and what he is doing day in, day out.
  3. He will do it again at some point as there will be no consequences to his actions, and lastly, 4. I am worth so much more than that.
I told him to leave and he went. It was, and is the hardest thing ever, I have had to be super strong but I don't think I will regret my choice. I had sleepless nights, panic, and was ill with the stress and saw my GP who were amazing. LTB!
LadyEloise1 · 21/11/2022 17:39

He took you for a mug.
Are you one ?
You have to ask yourself this.

He is a lying, cheating, gaslighting man.

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/11/2022 17:43

Urgh. I couldn’t get past this.

You are young and (presumably) don’t have children with him.

Why would you hang around to be insulted by this useless creep?

BadNomad · 21/11/2022 17:48

It's the lies that are the hardest part to get past in my experience. It's always going to be in your head. Every time things are going well, you'll be wondering if he's keeping something from you. Every time he's a little quiet, you'll be wondering if someone else is on his mind. You'll ask him, he'll answer, but you won't ever know if it's the truth. It's no way to live. It will wear you down. When trust is gone, it's over.

RealBecca · 21/11/2022 17:49

Cheating after 7 months is shameless.

Honestly hendoesnt sound ready to be married.

Do you want kids? Do you trust that he wont lose interest in the 9 months of being pregnant and likely dry spell afterwards? Whe you're old do you trust you can be in hospital and he isnt chasing some fun?

Save yourself the hassle of years of worry and start again while you're young enough to find a trustworthy man to father your kids. Because he sounds like the dickhead who will blame you for his cheating.

SandyY2K · 21/11/2022 17:52

If he's sleeping around after 7 months of marriage, you have slim to no hope.

No kids, no serious stress, illness or anything as yet and he breaks his vows so easily.

A woman whose husband cheated... told me that their marriage was good...he said it was goid too, after begging for forgiveness... but that was the very reason she refused to reconcile.

If he could cheat when things were good... she felt she couldn't trust him when the going got tough.

RealBecca · 21/11/2022 17:52

Amd I dont sympathise with him but he is clearly acting in a way that shows that marriage isnt really what he wants and might not be able to admit that or articulate it even to himself.

Justisme · 21/11/2022 17:53

I don’t mean to be mean when I say this. But do you really think it will get better from now on?

you said your self esteem is rock bottom, you picture them being naked and having passionate sex- fast forward 10 years. Will you be proud to call him your husband with this knowledge he has done this and is likely to do it again. Will you be proud to call him the father of your children?

im sorry OP but he took those steps knowing fully well he could lose you. He knowingly broke your trust, vows and heart.

for your own self respect, leave you really do deserve better